notjustanocdbrain

[notjustanocdbrain]

[notjustanocdbrain]

I just noticed I'm the ugly one of my friend group

I don't shine as they do

No matter how hard I try

I brush my hair

Wax my face

I wear the pretty dress

Yet they glow to brightly next to me

Even with plain clothes they are pretty

I don't deserve them

[notjustanocdbrain]

I am finding my way back to myself again. slowly, patiently, intricately. I am finding roads in between my heart and my mind that connect. I am finding melodies that taste good on my soul. I stray and i take detours occasionally, but I am finding my way back to myself again.

Unknown

[notjustanocdbrain]

[notjustanocdbrain]

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are" - Kurt Cobain

[notjustanocdbrain]

[notjustanocdbrain]

Sleep deprivation.

I love sleeping. Always have. No worries, no responsibilities, nothing. It's true when they say ocd latches on things you love and care about the most.

It started innocently enough. One day i just couldn't fall asleep. Ant then the next day. And my mind already started to wander.

Is there something wrong with me?

Is it my brain?

What if i never sleep again?

I tried everything. CBD, HHC etc. Didn't work. I told myself it won't work. So i tried sleeping pills. They sure did work. But i didn't want to develop an addiction on top of all this. So i called my psychiatrist and boom. That's how i developed my biggest compulsion yet.

She prescribed me antipsychotics. I finally felt good. I could sleep. But i can't sleep without them, because i'm afraid i won't fall asleep.

"You won't fall asleep now that you didn't take the pill."

"Just think about how tired you'll be if you don't get enough sleep."

"If you don't fall asleep now, you'll only sleep for 7 hours."

"But if you take the pill that makes you an addict."

"But if you don't you won't sleep."

I tried. So many times. But every single time i don't take the pill, i get overwhelmed by anxiety. So i just take it.

But now i've dissapointed myself.

Yet again.

[notjustanocdbrain]

anxious mind.

I was always described as an anxious child. I was always worried i'd get sick or die. I had my first anxiety attack when i was 9 years old. I didn't know what they were, all i knew was that i couldn't breathe.

Something was always wrong. My parents took me to so many specialists, but it's almost ironic that i got my official diagnosis at 24 years old. It's not only ironic, it's also heartbreaking and sad. I felt misunderstood most of my life and what's worse...i felt ignored and overlooked, because nobody took me seriously. I was just dramatic. What they didn't know or seemed to understand was the true fear and desperation i felt on a daily basis.

What if i die?

What i have some sort of an illness?

My eye felt weird. Am i going blind?

I can't breathe. Is it cancer? Pulmonary embolism?

This headache feels different. Am i having a stroke?

My brain was always like this, always working overtime and going into overdrive. I couldn't help it. It was (and still is) who i was. No child should ever think these thoughts. But i did. And nobody understood.

Today i am 24 years old and even though young, i feel this disorder has aged me in many ways. I¨ve been trough so many themes and fears, i probably couldn't count them on both hands. As i finally started to understand this incredibly vile and despicable illness that ocd is, i also understood a lot of my childhood behaviors and realized that ocd has really been with me since i gained conciousness.

I want to write my story here. To maybe help some of you and to help myself get my thoughts out there.

Be kind to yourself.

[notjustanocdbrain]

No, everyone isn't a 'little bit ocd'.

[notjustanocdbrain]

Introduction.

I wanted to do this for a really long time, but life has been so busy, i couldn't get myself to do it. I wanted a space where i could tell my story, as far as ocd goes and also maybe whine a little bit about everyday struggles, as a normal person would. Maybe people will read this blog and maybe they won't. I guess that's okay. If you do read it, for whatever reason, i hope you find yourself understanding people like me a little bit better. Maybe you'll relate to some stuff i'll say and if you do, i hope you're being kind to yourself. I've been struggling to accept that i deserve love and compassion, but i do. And so do you.