nothingherebutmythoughts

[nothingherebutmythoughts]

08/22/24

Entry Three

I have to work tomorrow, early, but my partner has tomorrow off. And very last minute they decided to go to a rave without me and i’m bummed as fuck because I want to go so bad, i’ve wanted to go to one for ages. and i fucking can’t because i have to work. and im upset they’re going without me. and like, i understand. they shouldn’t have to miss out on fun stuff bc of my work schedule. but it sucks and it’s dumb that the rave is even on a thursday. tonight i get to sleep alone will my partner gets shitfaced

[nothingherebutmythoughts]

08/18/24

Entry Two

Today was amazing. My partner, Snake, got home from work and we went to some caves to hike and enjoy nature. It was beautiful and so much fun. A much needed day out of the house. The brain fog dissipated somewhat. Then we came home for a bit before going out to see some people and drink a lil bit. Then we ended the night tipsy and cuddling and enjoying each others company. It was a fantastic day and I want to relive it again.

[nothingherebutmythoughts]

08/17/24 - 9:07pm

Entry one

today was weird. i started in a decent headspace. it was kinda on the verge of being bad but it was also back in forth. i woke up with my wonderful partner and spent time with my cat. i went to a friends house and had a fantastic time. and then i started spiraling not long after getting home. i mega dissociated. the worst i have in a bit. my partner wanted some alone time (which is valid we’re both autistic and take alone time) and while they were in the bedroom i silently sobbed about my mom being weird about my transition. it came out of nowhere and hit me hard. like, i was her only daughter and now she has none. and i know it’s hard. and she was really sad when i mentioned that i wanted to change my middle name too. i feel awful sometimes and i wish i could go back to being her little girl. but i also wish she didn’t react like that because it makes me feel awful and i shouldn’t. i’m finally on testosterone and it’s been great. and like, i also feel horrible about wanting more bc my mom is better than most. she loves me and supports me and wants me to be happy. but she also calls me my birth name around most people and uses she/her pronouns. and when we’re around my immediate family and my friends she calls me my chosen name (which is a play off my given name so it shouldn’t be that hard for her) which is great but she uses they/them pronouns for me even tho i’ve told her it’s he/him. i just wish she made more of an effort. and i wish she stood up for me. my dad got it so quickly and he’s the one i’m always the most worried to tell things. i ultimately got so lucky with my parents, they’re both amazing. but i wish my mom would understand more. i really need to sit down and talk to her about it but it’s so hard because i hate seeing her sad. i just want her to be proud of me. im still spiraling on a downward trajectory and fast. i feel myself slipping. i burned myself today for the first time in years. it felt exhilarating but it hurt. i hated it. and i hated that i kinda liked pushing myself to withstand it. i don’t want to do it again. i don’t want to slip that far back. i was past that. i’ve been past that. i need to be past that. this needs to be a fluke. i can’t make it a habit again.

- frog

[nothingherebutmythoughts]

this is basically my diary as the name says. just somewhere to my put my thoughts, not necessarily for anyone to read. my entires will be personal but vague. they won’t be tagged other than for trigger warnings.

i’m a 21 year old (almost 22) trans man. i have a good support system but i don’t want to bother people (something im working on) and im not currently in therapy (can’t afford rn) and not asking for it. i ask that if anyone reads these they don’t interact much.

there’s not much reason for me to keep this account public other than for the lack of caring. and hey, maybe if anyone sees these (doubtful) they’ll feel less alone with their own issues.

this will be my pinned for now but note that i’m high and in a weird headspace while writing this so it may change <3

- frog