notacircusmonkey

[notacircusmonkey]

should i or should i not? could i or could i not? will i or will i not? stay tuned.

[notacircusmonkey]

fallencomrade‌:

     CONTINGENCY PLAN.  this  MORBID  idea.  he  is  well  -  aware  how  much  steve  does  not  want  to  talk  about  it.  the  man  is  transparent  enough  when  he  isn’t  being  careful.  even  so,  bucky  barnes  has  always  been  able  to  see  through  his  facades.  he  does  not  mean  to  cause  his  friend  such  DISTRESS.  he  knows  steve  refuses  to  view  him  as  DANGEROUS  ;;  refuses  to  see  him  as  anything  other  than  a  VICTIM  in  need  of  support  -  but  the  HARSH  reality  is  that  he  is,  dangerous  &&  unstable.  buck  needs  to  know  that  if  it  came  down  to  it,  if  push  came  to  shove,  steve  would  do  what  was  necessary  to  keep  himself  SAFE.   

  MOVEMENT  ;;  the  floor  creaks.  by  the  time  james’  mind  finally  catches  up  and  he  is  able  to  look  up,  steve  is  already  seated.  he  must  have  lost…  at  least  ten  seconds?  time  continues  to  slow,  stop  and  then  speed  forth.  it  is  STAGGERING.  listless  eyes  rest  on  the  pale  hand  resting  between  them  on  the  table,  staring  at  long  pale  fingers :  ARTIST  HANDS.  &&  again,  he  is  momentarily  distracted,  lost  staring  into  a  window  into  the  past.  he  sees  DELICATE  wrists,  paint  stained  fingers,  smudges  of  charcoal.  he  sees  sketch  pads  &&  sharpened  pencils  ;;  smells  parchment,  and  smiles.  those  fingers  are  washed  clean  now,  still  the  same  albeit  a  bit  longer,  stronger  -  calloused,  but  still  the  same.  in  a  moment  of  mind - numbing  DELIRIUM,  he  wants  to  ask  steve  if  he  has  painted  anything  recently,  but  their  previous  conversation  comes  rushing  back  and  his  FEARS  thrust  him  back  into  focus.  

     RIGID SHOULDERS SAG WITH RELIEF  once  he  learns  that  steve  has  in  fact  thought  about  this,  although  his  response  isn’t  exactly  what  buck  had  been  hoping  to  hear.  it  did  however  SCREAM  steven  grant  rogers.  his  chest  feels  tight.  he  rolls  his  eyes  and  shakes  his  head,  chest  heaving  with  a  heavy  sigh.    ❛  SPONTANEITY,  huh?  ❜  he  laughs,  but  it  lacks  any  trace  of  sincere  amusement.  instead  it  just  sounds…  tired.    ❛  MAN WITH A PLAN?  don’t  make  me  laugh.  ❜   

    HIS BLOOD TURNS COLD  when  steve  elaborates.  it  is  NOT  what  james  wanted  to  hear  and  it  does  not  help.  he  chokes,  head  spinning  and  words  thick  on  his  tongue.    ❛  that  plan  needs  some  serious  work.  ❜   the  legs  of  his  chair  scrap  rather  loudly  against  the  floor,  and  for  a  moment,  he  is  confused.  he  realizes  he  is  moving?  mind  &&  body  are  completely  disjointed,  out - of - sync  and  disconnected.  before  he  is  even  consciously  aware,  he  is  already  half - way  out  of  the  room,  legs  shaking  and  struggling  to  keep  him  upright.  paling  and  breaking  out  in  a  cold  sweat,  james  tries  swallowing  passed  the  nausea  clogging  his  throat,  eyes  wide  and  searching.  where  are  you  going,  barnes?  he  does  not  have  an  answer.  he  doesn’t  know,  he  just  needs  to…  move.  

     TIME SLIPS AWAY AGAIN,  and  when  he  comes  to  (  seconds  /  minutes later? )  he  finds  himself  tucked  in  a  dark  corner  of  his  bedroom,  knees  drawn  to  his  chest,  heart  POUNDING  against  his  chest,  fear  still  TOXIC  on  his  tongue  and  body  locked  tight.

        the smile on steve’s lips never reaches his eyes, he’s not even truly aware of the grimace he must be making as he looks at his friend and takes his mock with pride. he wishes that he could make bucky laugh and that they could go back to easier days, but there was no point in getting lost in the ghost of the past now. --- brooklyn felt like a lifetime ago now.

         an apology and an agreement are muttered in response to bucky’s words, but the man is up on his feet and leaving the kitchen already. for some reason, steve thinks it is best to let him go. give him a moment or two. --- he can’t stay away for too long, though. the fear of going after bucky only to see that he’d long gone a constant companion to steve’s every single thought. 

he turned the stove off, knowing better than to assume either of them would be able to eat anything in the forsaken future, and finally followed after him. the door is open, but steve chooses to call for bucky’s name rather than to knock or to just walk in. the most difficult part of all of this is not only that steve does not know how to properly help bucky, but that he doubts bucky even knows what he’d need at this time to calm him down and ground him. ------ they are trying to understand this together. steve spends every waking second thinking about their interactions, analysing every twitch of bucky’s muscles in an attempt to decide what made him feel uncomfortable and what, rather than helping, at least didn’t make matters worse.

               “ i know you don’t trust yourself half as much as i do, but i need you to trust me, bucky. --- not today. not in five minutes. but ... one day, maybe?” he’s leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest to hide the way his knuckles turn white with the force he balls his hands into fists.

[notacircusmonkey]

            steve had been more quiet than he usually was, mind rushing ahead of him as he tried his hardest and his best to avoid getting lost in bucky’s eyes. --- he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, or whether it was the collaboration of many, many little things, but for some reason, steve couldn’t help it but feel almost shy around bucky. stealing glances, rather than giving in and memorizing every single line on his face so he could draw him later. his heart was beating rapidly, cheeks burning; the bright color barely hidden by the moonlight as bucky stepped closer. he couldn’t help it but smile and arch his brows, silence still wrapped around them gently as bucky moved closer and pushed steve back. it would have been a scene right out of one of the romance book hadn’t it been for bucky’s big mouth. any tension left his body immediately and laughter began to softly shaking his body. “ can i? ” steve was still laughing when he reached up to put one hand on bucky’s chest and the other under his chin. “ interesting. ‘cause, ya know, i really don’t remember saying i’d want to kiss you. ” 

              “  there’s  no  one  around,  ”   bucky started softly, the late night ferry was quiet on deck even as the waves of the water slapped against the bulk of the exterior but here, under the night sky with no one standing close or with them on the surface and the dark hiding them from prying eyes was how bucky found it within him to slip closer. closer than they would have dared at any other time that wasn’t the privacy of their own apartment. he had been mesmerized by steve for what felt like eternity, watching the way that the moonlight touched his face, painted shapes against his skin. how it reflected in his eyes when he looked at him and he reached for him, fingers tracing through his hair as he pressed his other to his waist and pushed until he had him crowded against the rail of the ship.   “  you  can  kiss  me  now.  ”  //  @notacircusmonkey

[notacircusmonkey]

PSA: MELA WHERE R U?

the promises of my return have been nothing but empty promises so far. soz fams. life is kinda hectic and busier than i thought . p.s. i didn’t even remember how to lower-case anymore. that’s my life now. that’s how long i’ve been gone... it took me like 10 seconds of combination pushing and trying to find the real one...

[notacircusmonkey]

What do you know about pain, Steve?

NOTHING.

[notacircusmonkey]

I hope that you never forget that you are valued, loved, and appreciated. Always remember that there are people out there who love you, and who are thrilled to see you on their dash. You are an amazing person and wholly unique in the universe. You are you, and that makes you irreplaceable. Never forget that.

this is so adorable! thank you very much

// @roleplaypositivitea

[notacircusmonkey]

ebvenom‌:

         most speculated a country hero turned dangerous man, but eddie felt no FEAR standing before the other. it might be the makings of insanity, but all he saw was someone doing what they thought was right. its why he needed this. NEEDED this story for his slowly failing career. eddie stood his ground, knowing this chase wouldn’t let up until steve caved. and thankfully, it ended as soon as it started. he had agreed to dinner.

         ‘ I will HAPPILY treat you to however many dinners you’ll let me, steve. ‘  he quipped in return, surprisingly AMUSED at his stubborness and unwillingness to co-operate with the request use of casual names.  ‘ I’d prefer it if it takes more then a few – I already have a feeling you’re EXCELLENT company. ‘  following that with directions and a time for his apartment this Friday night.

                                   He hadn’t promised to come. He’d promised to try to make some time to come, there was a grant difference in that that Steve hoped Eddie would understand. Nevertheless, just because he insisted on Eddie not expecting him to come, didn’t mean that he wasn’t planning on coming. It was Friday evening and Steve made his way inside Eddie’s place using the fire escape and a poorly closed and locked window to enter.

         He decided to stand in the middle of the room that appeared to be the livingroom, back towards the wall so he could watch the window and the door with a mere tilt of his head as he waited for Eddie.

[notacircusmonkey]

fallencomrade‌:

     THE ROOM WAS DARK,  and  yet…     he  swore,  steve’s  (  silly,  stupid,  drunken,  cheesin’  )  smile  could  LIGHT  UP  an  entire  universe.  bucky  found  himself  enamored,  caught  staring  at  the  brilliance  of  such  a  RADIANT  smile,  an  honest  grin  slowly  spreading  across  his  own.  he  thought  the  sound  of  steve’s  easy  laughter  could  chase  away  every  single  one  of  his  demons.  believed  the  WARMTH  of  his  soul  could  melt  even  the  deepest,  coldest  mountains  in  siberia.  everything  about  this  man  was  gentle  and  kind  and  GOOD,  and  for  whatever  reason,  it  made  barnes’  chest  ache.  it  was  just  -  it  had  been  so  long  since  he  saw  steve  in  such  a  JOYOUS  state.  hell  -  even  if  it  was  due  to  inebriation,  buck  did  not  care.  not  if  it  meant  steve  smiling  and  laughing  and  loosening  up  ;;  not  if  it  meant  steve  was  happy,  pink  peppering  the  apples  of  his  cheeks.    

     —————  fiercely  BEAUTIFUL,   that  was  what  his  old  friend  was.  barnes  had  always  thought  so,  (  he  thinks?  )  even  back  in  the  day.  before  the  CAPTAIN,  before  the  serum,  before  the  shield.  back  when  all  steve  rogers  had  was  his  GRIT  and  spunk  and  steadfast  beliefs  (  in  a  BETTER  world  )  ;;  that  STUBBORN  morality  that  seemed  to  always  get  him  (  &&  james  )  into  trouble.  he  could  hardly  remember…  and  yet,  thinking  about  it,  james  found  himself  momentarily  overwhelmed  by  a  sudden  flare  of  lost  memory…  the  memory  of  a  smaller  steve,  with  bony  shoulders  and  a  skinny  face,  but  still  with  that  same  kind,  BRIGHT  smile  and  dazzling  eyes  and  he  knew,  buck  knew  he  was  right.  

                                                     STEVE  HAD  ALWAYS  BEEN  BEAUTIFUL.                                                                            —-  you  might  be  in  trouble,  james  barnes. 

    HEAVY HANDS REACHED FOR HIS,  demanding  -  and  the  sight  of  steve’s  long,  artist  fingers  laced  together  with  his  own  had  barnes  smiling  once  again.  his  hands  probably  REEKED  of  gunfire  and  metal,  and  were  still  rough  and  calloused  from  the  mission.  glancing  down,  he  could  make  out  the  fresh  scabs  of  split  knuckles  (  some  fights  were  unavoidable  )  but  he  did  not  pull  away  from  steve’s  desperate  grasp.  no,  he  allowed  himself  a  moment  to  look,  a  moment  to  INDULGE  -  although  the  juxtaposition  between  steve’s  softness  and  his…  unsightliness  made  his  smile  turn  just  a  shade  sadder.  still,  he  squeezed  back  in  all  hopes  of  being  somewhat  reassuring.   ❛  no,  of  course  not.  PROMISE.  ❜

     LACKING ANY OUNCE OF GRACE,   the  big  oaf  continued  to  struggle  in  his  endeavors  to  undress  his  poor  self.  towards  the  end,  buck  stepped  in  to  help  again,  chuckling  softly  as  he  pulled  the  shirt  off  and  dropped  it  onto  the  floor.  alright,  that  was  enough  for  now.  tie  and  dress  shirt  were  off,  as  too  were  both  shoes.  the  guy  still  had  his  belt  and  trousers  on,  but  thinking  about  the  FIASCO  that  might  cause  convinced  him  to  push  it  off.  maybe  at  least  until  steve  had  passed  out  for  the  night.  steve  went  down  like  a  ton  of  bricks,  and  barnes  let  out  a  grateful  exhale.  he  grabbed  the  soft  duvet  lain  across  the  bottom  of  the  bed  and  helped  draped  it  over  steve’s  lap  and  legs.   

     THE INVITATION HAD BARNES PAUSING,  steel - colored  eyes  considering  the  spot  steve  was  offering  to  him.  he  hesitated  for  a  half - second,  uncertain  -  while  he  contemplated  his  choices,  teeth  anxiously  pinching  at  the  meat  of  his  bottom  lip.  in  the  end  though,  james  huffed  and  rolled  his  eyes,  bending  down  to  unlace  his  own  shoes  and  tug  them  off.   ❛  scoot  over  more,  you  big  lush.  all  the  way  on  the  bed.  ❜  james  sat  down,  bending  his  leg  and  tucking  his  left  ankle  beneath  his  right  knee.  he  kept  the  leg  farthest  away  from  steve  dangling  off  the  end  of  the  bed,  every - so - often  sweeping  the  bottom  of  his  socked  foot  gently  against  the  wooden  floor.  leaning  back,  he  settled  against  the  headboard,  getting  as  comfortable  as  he  could,  arms  folded  casually  across  his  chest.  

      the  question  had  him  glancing  over,  exhaling  softly,  but  smiling  still  -  although  the  corners  of  his  mouth  dipped  slightly,  tense  and  tired.   ❛  mission  was  fine.  ❜  he  supplied,  offering  a  noncommittal  shrug.  focus  drooped  away  from  steve,  falling  to  his  lap.   ❛  they  needed  someone  who  could  navigate  through  an  old  hydra  safe - house.  someone  who  knew  the  ins - and - outs.  there  were  a  few  nasty  surprises  waiting  inside.  (  fucking  hydra  )  nothing  i  couldn’t  handle  though.  ❜  tilting  his  head,  he  was  quick  to  open  his  mouth  back  up  and  quickly  add,   ❛  and  no.  no  serious  injuries.  some  scrapes.  a  few  bruises.  the  worst  of  it  is  just  –  sore  muscles  &&  a  headache.  so  you  can  relax,  okay?  ❜  

     chewing  on  his  lip,  he  allowed  the  silence  to  settle  for  a  brief  moment  before  cocking  his  head  and  shifting  the  focus  back  to  his  best  friend,  easy  smile  turning  playful.   ❛  you  have  FUN  tonight?  for  once?  ❜

      steve had never been the one to see what others saw in him; never understood why bucky stuck with him through all the troubles he’d dragged them through. never understood why bucky choose to be his friend even once they grew old enough to have a choice asides from being in the same class and bucky being the unfortunate fool to bring steve his homework. --- to this day he wonders what it is that bucky saw in him. (what erskin saw in him. what peggy or howard saw in him ... what all these people see in him... but it’s different. none of them have ever seen steve for who he really is. none of them had been around on a fever-ish night when steve was miserable and it was the third cold in two months he had to fight. no one was around to clean out the cuts in steve’s knuckles left behind from a punch aimed so high and so fast that he almost broke the jaw of a guy twice his size. bucky had seen all that and chosen to still be his friend. --- he’d seen worse and he’d seen better. and tonight, he was left witnessing this chaos, and steve just couldn’t stop himself from smiling.)

he didn’t need to understand it, though, which was the beauty of it all. there was no point in arguing that steve was not half as good a man as bucky thought just like there was no point in arguing that bucky was, to steve, the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and a kind soul forced into a rough shell. ------ bucky was everything. the past, the present, and the future. he was the turning point where happiness and sadness met. he was the one that made steve feel the most alive while at the same time making him feel like a ghost; living a dream, or wandering through an afterlife... maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the excuse of the alcohol, but either way, steve didn’t care about much more than the presence and the warmth of bucky’s body now on the bed with him.

      steve had moved over and turned onto his back, making as much room for bucky as possible without falling off the bed himself. with his chin lifted and gaze focused upon bucky’s features, he watched him. --- he looked like a portrait in black and white in that moment. the lines blurring and the shadows claiming most of his face for themselves rather selfishly. 

it was only due to the seriousness of the topic, that steve could even focus on bucky’s voice rather than listening to it like a child might listen to a lullaby before passing out. --- no serious injuries. he’d have to convince himself of that in the morning, considering that ‘serious injuries’ could easily mean anything from losing a limb to getting a paper cut. 

    with his own mind still clouded; body acting way faster than his mind, steve had already reached out to take bucky’s hand, tugging at it just until he could comfortable be playing with his finger and the roughed up parts from where he laid. “ yeah. ” --- the smile was dimmed, brows slightly furrowed. if possible, he would much rather attend to every single one of Bucky’s mission or do them for him, but he knew better than to even dream of such a nonsense. “ it would have been more fun with you. ” it shouldn’t be this easy to slip into comfort after their kiss; and yet, it was. it was as if they’d never done anything else in their lives than to share a bed and talk... “ you were supposed to come back sooner. --- weren’t you? something must have gone wrong. ”

[notacircusmonkey]

[notacircusmonkey]

oh, yes, hello everybody. it’s mela straight from the UK.

life has been good. exhausting, really, but i’m settling in slowly. even got a 2 week break in 2 weeks which is probably a bad thing for my activity here; since i just got settled in enough to have time around the evenings but... yeah! all in all, i’m still alive, i’ve got a lot of motivation to write, i need to work on my tags, and you should just throw things my way to reply to in my freetime or come plot with me!

i am planning on replying to pretty much everything i owe; i will not be dropping any threads without further notice, so if there is a thread you want me to get to asap, link me to it and i will!

[notacircusmonkey]

         it wouldn’t be quiet right to say that steve didn’t like talking about his entire situation. --- it is that people struggle with more serious issues than ‘surviving’. it doesn’t seem right to even think about questioning this. not with all those, who’d fallen during the war. he believed that there was a reason for all of this, that, somehow, even though the world had long moved on from captain america, he was still needed. he believed in god’s plan. that didn’t mean he understood it.

all he could do was try his hardest, fight his best, and make sure to do as much good as he could. protect those who couldn’t protect themselves and fight those trying to turn the world into a more violent and brutal place. he felt like that is exactly what he was doing here. --- with shepherd and roman and their team.

         this wasn’t the first time roman spoke about any of this, and steve knew it wouldn’t be the last. that didn’t change anything about his everlasting reaction to these words, though. just a shrug of his shoulder as he pretended to care about what was happening on the screen before them. --- it might have been the way roman spoke, the fact he had brought it up one too many times, or the lack of entertainment provided by the TV, but steve turned to face roman after his dismissive shrug. he didn’t say anything; barely tilted his head and arched his brows in a manner that was supposed to encourage Roman to go on. --- It wasn’t a question. Roman was talking more to himself then he was actually talking to Steve, lost between imagining what steve must feel like and what he probably would feel like in that very situation. (Maybe it was due to the many times Steve hadn’t bothered telling him much more than ‘I’m fine’ when asked, or maybe Roman, too, was bored by the TV.)

             “ still … it  must’ve  been  strange. ”  roman said carefully, while it wasn’t the first time that the topic of steve’s miraculous rescue from the ice had been brought up, it was the first time that roman tried to get a little deeper with steve about it. steve had a habit of brushing over the ordeal, of pretending as if things were okay, like he wasn’t a man quite literally pulled from time. he supposed they had that in common, the knee jerk reaction to pretend like they didn’t have problems, like there was nothing that could touch them because they couldn’t afford to get hurt, to have trouble with coping in being back in the world.

there were some days that roman felt as if he was back at the orphanage, trapped in that small dark room alone and others when he felt like he was back in the field. dust storms choking him under the heat of the sun, gunfire zipping over his head as if he were transported into a different world where pizza and tv were as foreign to him as magic.

      “ one  minute  you’re  in  the  middle  of  a  war  thinking  you’re  going  to  die  and  the  next  you’re  waking  up … here. ”  //  @notacircusmonkey  spontaneous  starter !!

[notacircusmonkey]

still not back. --- will be back soon, though. let me get through this weekend and the next week, too, and then i’ll be around.

[notacircusmonkey]

when u accidentally click on your saved tap of tumblr and see your icon. hot damn, steve, srsly. i love my icon.

[notacircusmonkey]

i meant to be around more but it’s not exactly possible atm. i have my oral exam in mathematics next monday (23th) but after that, i’ll be around for a while to give you guys my love and shitty writing!

[notacircusmonkey]

Happy 100th Birthday Steve Rogers 🎉🎉

[notacircusmonkey]

i forgot it was steve’s birthday, but sam didn’t

[notacircusmonkey]

Happy 100th Birthday, Steve!