nostalgicmaim

[nostalgicmaim]

so... i should stop saying that i got my shit together.

usually my life goes downhill just a few minutes later.

[nostalgicmaim]

got my shit together. had a breakdown. got it together again.

it's just five months and i'll feel better i guess.

just have to romanticize the fuck out of this whole situation.

[nostalgicmaim]

getting my shit together i guess?

printed some college shit. ganging up my friends to study together. enrolling in some classes.

god, i'm already fucking exhausted.

[nostalgicmaim]

the best i can bring out of this whole situation is that it finally got my life in order. my college calendar, my gym schedule, having to work out a way to do both things and work, and be finally free from keeping many things inside of me. i hope i can keep up. but structure is sooooo fucking important.

[nostalgicmaim]

but now i just need to do that with college and i'll be good to go!!

the fact that i need to develop an hyperfixation for every single thing i do in order to do the bear minimum is in the middle of hilarious and worrying.

[nostalgicmaim]

the fact that i need to develop an hyperfixation for every single thing i do in order to do the bear minimum is in the middle of hilarious and worrying.

[nostalgicmaim]

it feels so private to be so public.

[nostalgicmaim]

will never get tired of this pic. yasmin le bon is that bitch and will forever be that bitch.

[nostalgicmaim]

my best friend always says: "you have to disappoint your parents at a young age so they won't expect much from you as you grow."

so true.

[nostalgicmaim]

the last few days have been shit. but you reap what you sow, and that's what is happening to me right now. i did things wrong, although it wasn't my intention, but each action has its consequence.

it just find unfair the fact that i'm always measured differently than the rest, i am expected to do everything perfectly, and when things go south, my punishment is 90% harsher.

and it's funny, close to sad, to talk about being "punished" given that i'm basically an adult. but like i said to a friend today, i was always expected to act like an adult and was treated like a kid, so i think that kinda fucked up my head, and there comes my inabilitly to put limits. mostly within my family.

[nostalgicmaim]

my god, i used to spend hours a day on this site. it was my whole life, to be fair. i built my life around here, and i do miss it a lot sometimes.

i also do feel like i missed a lot of my "actual" life to be around here. but honestly the real life was too painful at that time for me to properly deal with it. i needed this safe haven.

i could be writting in here for hours, days if i was strong enough to stay awake. i couldn't wait to be home to read, write and live in this beautiful fantasy world that i created.

it's like my mind is able to create thousands of scenarios, but sometimes that's overwhelming. i find it hard to be present, on my own true life, and live it. i guess life taught me that this imaginary life is way more bearable, because when shit hits the fan, i can switch to another story and avoid those feelings.

it's weird. but i can't imagine how my own life would be without it.

[nostalgicmaim]

the sole purpose of this blog is to write what goes through my head. i can ramble, talk nonsense, or even try to make sense of the contradictory thoughts that just show up every now and then.

i know i can't write this on a traditional "journal". sad thing is, i can't trust my family, and if i can't trust them enough to tell them about how i feel, how could i handwrite my very own feelings on a piece of paper they can find?

funny thing is, this is a public space. likely nobody will read it, perhaps everybody will. but who knows? i just know they can't find me here, and i need somewhere to channel all of these little thoughts. sometimes simple words, sometimes whole paragraphs, but they'll never know. like the beautiful jordan baker says in the great gatsby: "i like large parties. they're so intimate. at small parties there isn't any privacy." that's how i feel towards the internet.

and i've been here a while, truth be told. i've been many people, lived many lives. but right now i want to be me. behind a question mark, but me at the end of the day. or the sentence. whatever. i just want to feel like i can say what i feel and not leave it as a passing thought on my head. because i have so many of them and it's getting kinda tiring to deal with it.

so yeah, this is mostly a reminder for future me to remember why i made this blog.

[nostalgicmaim]

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Moss in New York, 1993

[nostalgicmaim]