nohjaem

[nohjaem]

I took this one by chance while riding up an elevator. But I keep looking back on it because... so many little people.

[nohjaem]

Tokyo always surprises me at how down to earth it feels. People going about their day, children with their overside backpack riding the subway by themselves alongside men in suits and grandmas carrying groceries.

[nohjaem]

Yesterday it really dawned on me that money could actually fix the majority of my problems. Not the extra end year bonus or the 3% raise that barely covers covers eggflation, but the kind of money that would make a flight to Asia from the US feel like chump change. But since that's not going to happen anytime soon, I'm feeling stuck in a misery of my own making. I absolutely hate living here in bumblefuck Texas and I've been using my remote work perks to travel when possible, but I'm gradually realizing it's not a sustainable plan for what I want. I live here because 1 my aging parents are here and I help with the rent, car etc and 2 because I don't really see better options in the US (where my company is based). I feel guilty for not being content with working in a comfortable team with a lot of autonomy, having the means to care for my parents and not live paycheck to paycheck. These used to be things I only dreamed of, so I feel greedy for wanting more. But it's true that I do want more. I should stop making excuses or asking for others to decide things for me when I already know what I want, what I can get and what is out of reach. Nobody else will live my life for me, so I need to take steps to make my environment suit me. I'm very far from where I want to be, but there's small things I can do to close the gap.

[nohjaem]

For my summer to do list.

There’s this very small tiramisu shop that sells tiramisu in simple cups in Mangwon-dong, just a few minutes in between both the Han river and Hapjeong station (line 2+6). I should have done this more in the summer before the chilly weather set in, but grabbing a tiramisu cup and walking down Mangwon-dong’s quiet neighborhood to the less crowded side of the Han river sounds like a nice night.

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[nohjaem]

I just met my boss in person for the 2nd time since I started this job 2 years ago. She is learning Korean in her free time so I took her to Korean BBQ and ordered all the unique meats that my ex used to order for me. Small intestine (곱창), large intestine (대창), cow tongue, etc. She likes the soybean paste soup (된장) the most. I pour her soju with both hands and drink with my head turned to the side to show respect, but she laughs and says it's not necessary. I laugh too because I know it isn't either, but I want to because I really do respect her. The atmosphere is casual and relaxed and I can't help but think of how lucky I am, after all these years to find a team as comfortable as this.

[nohjaem]

You’re secretly a little slut, aren’t you

I think my first ask in like 3 years lol

[nohjaem]

I heard this site is dead? Maybe now I can write on here without second-guessing every sentence I type.

[nohjaem]

Came back home a week ago and all I’ve done is binge watch BL shows. Even though I was still working full-time while in Asia I still felt this pressure to spend as much time exploring and doing new things. Having the leisure to binge a show with no regrets is nice. Most of these BL stories follow friendships that turn into relationships. I have no idea what that is like in real life. Maybe that’s why no matter how much they repeat the same formula I get pulled in. I see hints of these cute scenes in my own relationships, but just moments here and there among a mess of bland or transactional interactions. I think I grew up with a distorted view of friendships and relationships. I don’t value my friends enough because they don’t fill the unrealistic role of “childhood friend I’m in love with” that I’ve idealized from watching too much tv. I guess recently binging these shows again has got me wondering what I really need to be content. Working remotely in Asia was really nice and I’m already looking for my next ticket back, but I’m also trying to see if I’d be content in this suburban emptiness with the right partner to do mundane things together. 

[nohjaem]

Every so often I come across a character that feels like “I’m so thankful for your mere existence, even if just as a fictional character”. During confusing and lonely times I feel like many of them kept me company. In writing it sounds incredibly silly like I’m talking about imaginary friends.

[nohjaem]

I am an hikikokomori who dreads going into the office. But today I’m dragging myself out of bed waking up at an ungodly hour (I know 6am is normal for many people) to get dressed and meet my new department lead. 

If people ask why I dislike the office I say it’s the bright fluorescent office light that is opposite from the dim cave I usually work from or the traffic that adds an additional 90 minutes of nothing to my day. But it’s really not that, it’s the large amount of energy it personally takes to pretend I’m normal. It’s the fact that I can only talk about the weather or allergies for so long before people begin to realize I have nothing in common with them. I also work at a fashion company and people dress up and have very bold statement pieces, while I dress bland as can be so as to blend into the wall, because it’s the safest option. It just feels a lot more exhausting than it should be to like be mindful of others. It’s odd that I used to do this all the time before covid. Back then, we didn’t know there were other options. 

But with that said I am incredibly lucky to normally work remotely under a direct manager who really encourages remote work and understands me. She reminds me that I don’t have to go in if I don’t want to and I can talk to her about just about anything. She recommends me Nintendo games, tells me I need to watch the latest episode of an anime I’ve let slide off my backlog, shares photos of her cats and talking about the weather with her is actually natural. She also tells me not to overwork, steps in when other departments make ridiculous requests and champions my work to others. She sees me as a human first before anything else and that makes a world of difference. None of my other bosses did this. She understands that going into the office does not reflect whether I’m a good worker or not, and that’s really just a huge relief because yes actually that bright fluorescent office light is terrible and sitting in your cubicle with AirPods in 8hrs+ is not what gets me into work mode.

I guess with that said I’m in a good place thanks to her and that’s why I’m okay with going into the office from time to time to appear normal.

[nohjaem]

I’m taking this $11 udemy course on iOS development and the lecturer gives me these 5 minute messages of encouragement at the end of every module. I’ve started to look forward to these. I watch most lessons at 1.5x because I’m impatient and feel like the world is moving head of me while I’m just stuck here playing catch up with myself. But when her 5 minute end of module video comes on titled something like “When Life gives You Lemon” I make sure to go back to 1x speed because her life tips have gradually become more and more meaningful to me. I don’t know if I was too coddled all my life, but strangers going out of their way to kindly say I’m doing ok helps me so much. Like most of us, I’ve had my fair share of strangers saying something nasty things as you pass them by or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. These moments keep me down a lot of the time. But this time, I feel like I was in the right place at the right time. I didn’t expect to have heard so many encouraging words in a $11 online coding course. Hearing her little messages makes me feel like there are kind strangers out there. 

[nohjaem]

Had a dream I got into a irreversible fight with my mom and I declared that I would no longer eat her food as a way to break off any last ties. Then I woke up to the smell of her cooking and was so relieved I didn’t actually say that. Dreams are such an odd extension of your life. Sometimes they’re like a jumbled mess, like last month’s dream where I was playing hide and seek in a flooded forest with whale sized koi fish just swimming past me or a last week’s groundhog day murder mystery that keeps resetting itself everytime I “die” until I find the real culprit, but then on days like today I’m just living out potential life choices and dealing with the fallout.

[nohjaem]

안에서도 벚꽃 구경

[nohjaem]

I feel like the cherry blossom season really captures the subtle joy of following a real-life clock in Animal Crossing. The fact that in a few days these will cherry blossom trees will be gone, makes me cherish them just as much as I used to cherish the real ones when they briefly came and went around my neighborhood in Seoul.

[nohjaem]

My Spring 2020 Fashion Look Book

[nohjaem]

I understand what you mean by not saying much and finding it difficult to start again; situations can make socializing exhausting. Anyway, hope all is well

Glad to hear it’s not just me. Hope all is well with you and you’re finding time to recharge each day, in whatever way that may be~

[nohjaem]

How have you been? :)

Sorry I don’t even know when this is from :/ In case you’re still curious tho, I am at home like we all should be if we’re not someone on the frontlines. As I’ve probably mentioned before I never went out much before the “lockdowns” began, so I’m not feeling cooped up or anything. Just worried for my parents, as I’m sure we all are. In light of everyone finding solace in digital friendship and community, I’m sort of itching to see if the part of me that felt so comfortable sharing my thoughts and making friends with people I’d probably never meet is still around. A few years ago I began overthinking everything. I felt like everything I said could be used against me, and it could. But in the end I began saying nothing and it became really hard to start again. There’s a lot of old drafts piled up over the years and it feels weird seeing them just separated, hidden behind a curtain made of my own fears. Now I’m beginning to feel like it’s worse to keep holding thoughts back. This ask that I rudely left for so long just seemed like somewhere to start.