nocaptainnomore-blog

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&seesgood‌

     She can’t breathe. It feels like she’s slowly suffocating right here in front of him. The thought that MAYBE she’s wrong about this whole thing surfaces in her mind. Maybe she made it all up. Maybe she created this thing, molded him into who SHE WANTED him to be. And maybe, maybe that’s just not him at all. But she doesn’t want to give up on him. She can’t give up on this. Without taking a sip, she sets her glass down.   ❝ It doesn’t have to be, ❞   She nearly sobs, stepping closer to him, DARING to reach up and touch him. Her hands frame his face, fingers brushing through the scruff covering his jaw. There isn’t a single thing she wouldn’t give to just be with him. To have him want her the way she wants him. To feel what his arms are like wrapped around her, to feel him kiss her. Her thumb brushes over his cheek, scruff prickling against her finger.

     ❝ You could be happy. ❞   Her weight shifts,   ❝ I could make you happy. Just give me a chance, give us a chance. Please, ❞   Tears prickle in her eyes, slowly slipping over her her cheeks.   ❝ I know you’re scared. I know you — you think you’re all sorts of FUCKED up and that no one should want you like this. But I do. Okay? I want you. So, SO badly. ❞   Her voice cracks, fingers holding on a bit tighter to his face. There’s a terrible feeling in her gut, like if she lets go, she’ll lose him. He’ll spiral, she’ll break and this whole thing will have just been a MISTAKE.   ❝ Steve I’m…I’m falling in love with you. ❞   Her tongue feels heavy. Dry. As soon as the words are out, she knows they’ll probably backfire. Caroline swallows, slowly ( begrudgingly ) letting her hands fall from his face.   ❝ So we need to get out of the grey area. We’ll…solve the case. ❞   Her stomach twists as she looks back towards the coffee table. Files. Files she knows holds the information that she doesn’t want to know. The details she’s been too scared to ask about.

     He wants to hurl something at the wall, the glass or a bottle  --  he doesn’t know for sure.      She seems to be determined to go through with that, she seems determined to make his life a living hell apparently. He can’t keep watching so intensely the bottle, he can’t keep staring at her face because he feels something bubbling inside him && he can’t say if it’s good or bad. So he chooses to stand and go by the windows, It seems that the weather matches their mood -- it’s dark and unforgiving. His clenched fists bury themselves in the pockets of his pants as her fingers reach for his face. His eyes close automatically, her hands cool on his face. He wants to reach for her, wants to close his hands around her waist, to kiss her, to devour her. He wants all of her, he wants to love every inch of her body, he wants, he wants, HE WANTS. And then her words hit him like a truck. She’s asking him for a chance, she wants him, she says she does and fuck if she didn’t just say she’s in love with him.

     It seems to shut his brain down, her words. And then, her hands disappear from his face and he can’t lose that. He just can’t. His hands grab her hips, pushing her against the wall softly, his forehead pushing against hers. He’s not sure he’s breathing anymore, he wants her so damn much. Her scent assaults him, his blue eyes staring at her mouth, at the perfect freckles on the flesh of her face. His nose rubs against hers, his fingers a second away from the flesh that appears between her pants and her shirt. He’s driving himself insane as his nose grazes the flesh of her cheek. He has to stop, he has to or he’ll throw everything he’s fighting for by the window. He finally rests his forehead against the wall, his nose pressed against the column of her throat.     “I want you. You have no idea how much,”      his voice is rough, soft as he speaks and tries to contain everything he feels,      “but we can’t. Not right now, you have to, you have to trust me a bit.”      His eyes close, he chooses to enjoy being so close to her because he’ll never have the guts again. His stomach twists as she speaks, a sigh of relief the only reply he can make. He wonders if he should go, put some distance between them. But then, she would tell him if he was bothering her.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&avenginghawk‌

                ❛ ─ there’s one a few blocks from here actually. ❜ the archer comments, whilst ignoring the others obvious awkwardness ( or at least what he perceived to be, given the face, that’s all he could assume at present ). ❛ an’ hey, given that we’re neighbors, it’ll give us a chance to get to know each other, right? ❜ clint barton, always the type to try and SOOTH any sort of unease in a situation ( small town charm never truly goes away that’s for sure ). now if only he could do that when it pertained to his own love life, he’d be set… wishful thinking.

      His hand goes to his hip, mouth twisting a bit in pain. Fucking hip that keeps hurting when it shouldn’t. His jaw clenches in pain before he brings his hand back against the fur of the cat. He tries to blink away his pain, concentrating on what his neighbor is saying.      “Yeah, that would be great, I, well, I don’t know anyone,”      they’re ALL DEAD he doesn’t say. His fingers pats his pockets, retrieving his car key.      “Would you mind driving please ? I,”     he sighs, looking down in shame at his inability to do anything right because of all the ways his body is BROKEN,      “I can’t right now.”      Blue eyes glance back up, questions in them.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&seesgood

     She tries not to let it get to her head. But the fact that he NOTICES her at all always makes her stomach flip. It feels like she did in high school, when she’d catch Matt looking at her, the first time he reached out to touch her cheek, the first time he told her he loved her. It feels like that. Innocent. Pure. Safe. But even comparing this to Matt seems to do it a stark INJUSTICE. They’re not even dating. They’ve never kissed. She can count on one hand the amount of times he’s touched her in any way that could be deemed overly affectionate and yet still, she can’t help but think that this is more. The kind of thing that changes your entire life. He looks at her and it’s like she can feel the Earth moving beneath her feet, he smiles and she swears she forgets how to breathe.     ❝ I was never that brave. ❞    She murmurs, smiling softly to herself just knowing that he THINKS that about her.     ❝ And you’re a good person. Trust me. I know bad people and you…are not one of them. ❞

      Funny how now he’s the one who wants to convince her that she’s brave, the same way she’s wanted to convince him he was good. As if. He’s fought in Iraq, in Afghanistan, he’s killed people. He did horrible things there, it still plagues his mind, waking him up in the middle of the night. He shakes his head, he doesn’t want to think about all this, he doesn’t want to remember anymore. Another sip is taken before he gulps down the content of his cup in one go. He swears under his breath at her dismissal, his hands close into fists at her reminder of the bed people she knows. He knows, he remembers ( he still have to work that fucking case ). Grey eyes glance at the bottle before looking at clock, Steve still has three hours before going to work and thus, he stands up so as to refill his cup.    Coffee && whiskey.      “ I think you’re the bravest person I know, ”     he replies, voice soft. He believes every word of it, he’s seen the determination in her eyes when he first found her, that girl is a fighter. He sighs, tired of this conversation but willing to talk about anything if it means talking to her,      “ There are different kinds of bad people. Good men can become bad men when they stand by, when they do nothing. It’s all matter of perspective, really. ”      Another mouthful, he can’t wait to catch the fuckers who dared to hurt her.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&seesgood‌

          It was never supposed to be like this. They were supposed to end up together, to get through it, to fight for one another. They’d have difficulties, sure, she’d known that since the day he’d told her he was enlisting. But they were supposed to end up TOGETHER. And at some point, she just couldn’t do it. It had broken her to leave him, and in some ways she knew she’d never fully mended back together. On some level, she knew she never would. But she can’t fix him. She can’t LOVE him enough that the part of him war broke will knit back together. At least not according to the support group she went to a few times after he came home. Something about…loved ones of veterans with PTSD. It had always seemed lame to her. A bunch of sniffling wives talking about how their husbands weren’t the SAME. She’d judged them. Wondered why they couldn’t just love that version of their man. And then…then she’d realized. 

          Pulling back from the embrace was nearly excruciating. There was nothing more she wanted than to just stay there. With him. Forever. But she couldn’t. For his sake, she couldn’t. He had SOMEONE ELSE. And for all her faults, she couldn’t blame him for wanting to move on. Reaching up, she wipes away some of her tears, smudging mascara in the process, trying to swallow the emotions back down before they can get the best of her again.   ❝ Are you happy with her? ❞  It’ll break her heart to hear the answer. If he is, it’ll mean he’s moved on. Found someone else. She’ll smile and nod and force herself to be HAPPY for him, because at the end of the day that’s all he deserves. But then it means they’re over. Actually, truly, really over. Or there’s the alternative. The possibility that he’s NOT happy. That she’s condemned him to a life of loneliness and lovelessness and he’s living in the same kind of hell she is. It’s a catch-22, she knows, because either answer is wrong. Neither answer brings him back to her. 

      Steve lets her go, he lets her leave his embrace. He doesn’t want to impose, doesn’t want to annoy her, to be too much. He’s always been an intense guy, always feeling everything entirely, never been able to hide away or to lie about how he felt. It might have been, he can be too much, he knows that ! He has his faults, he can be uncompromising when it comes to his values, his opinions. Even when he was little, he still would have defended his opinions until he was blue in the face. He’s a lot, he’s overwhelming and thus, he lets her go. Attentive blue eyes watch her small hands wiping at her tears, the ones he placed there. Hands clench into fists, willing himself to not wipe the dark smudges under her beautiful blue eyes. Caroline has wished for some space, he could absolutely not crowed her like that, he has to respect the distance she wants.

      The question makes his heart skip a beat. She’s talking about Sharon, of course she is. He couldn’t not be honest with her, he had to tell her. So she knows. And now, now she wants to know if he’s happy. He’s not stupid, it’s not really about his happiness, it’s about his happiness without her. He doesn’t know how to answer because he knows total happiness is never going to be in the cards for him anymore -- he’s been hurt too much, scarred for life. Thus, he is content, not happy but okay. For a long time, as long as he was not sobbing once a week, he considered himself happy. Now, he was actually not able to leave bed less than once a month most times -- it was a great improvement.  He sighs, hands a bit sweaty, he has to be honest with her,      “I’m not happy with her but, well, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again, you know so,”      a shrug, ashamed eyes downcast,      “I don’t blame you for leaving me, again, I don’t think I could ever make anyone happy, not when I feel so, so, I don’t know, so empty all the time.”      He has to be honest with her, remember ? He offers a smile, hoping to see one on her beautiful face.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&seesgood‌

          She doesn’t notice the touch  ( because she can’t FEEL IT enough to notice it )  but she does notice the dog. Ears back eyes alert, staring at her like she’s some kind of threat. And she’s not, she’s…not, is she? Her hand reaches up, pressing against her forehead as she shakes her head. No, no she’s not hungry. Or thirsty. She’s just…dizzy. Nauseous. And she can’t remember anything but some unfamiliar voice screaming her name, the world going dark. And before that there’s a feeling of weightlessness, a crash, a light, a scream that sounds like it could be hers. And then NOTHING. Nothing before, nothing after.

           ❝ Who are you? ❞  Has he answered that already? Does she know him? No, no she can’t because then he’d know HER and he clearly doesn’t, right? Anyway, he looks terrified. Like she’s some kind of mutant. Like he’s seen a ghost. Caroline backs up slightly, unsure why he suddenly looks like she —- and then she realizes. The dog is more alert now, tail extended, and when she looks down, she realizes why. She backed up into the table. But not into it, INTO it. Like…she’s standing in the middle of his kitchen table, it’s going right through her and she can’t even feel it. ❝ What the hell? ❞ She moves away, looking down at her hand, moving to rest it on the counter only to see it pass through like vapor. ❝ Oh my god what’s happening to me what is this? ❞

      His heart is beating faster and faster, he can’t believe this. His hand went through her, literally through. It didn’t feel warm, it felt like it went through absolutely nothing, air. This is INSANE. Teeth worry the inside of his cheek as he wonders when he last went to the neurologist, when was his last scan. Fuck, how desperate is he for conjuring up a freaking girl in his room ? The bag slips through his fingers, hitting the ground but he barely notices it. His head is rigging, his heartbeat is going crazy -- he can’t believe that he’s having a panic attack right now. Sweaty palms are pushed against his jeans as he tries to dry them. This can’t be happening, one person freaking out in this room is ENOUGH. 

      Blue eyes take in the blonde girl ( ghost ? ), that girl is clearly freaking out enough for both of them. She asks his name again and he repeats it because, honestly, he can’t say what is real and what is not. It scares the shit out of him. His voice shakes, he hates it but he’s really doing his best to stay calm here. His hand rests in a fist on his kitchen counter, gaze focused on his shoes as he tries to calm his heartbeat. Head shots up as it seems that she realizes what is happening. At least, he’s not the only one seeing this, that’s a relief. But at the same time, if she’s a figment of his broken brain, then it’s not THAT surprising. Fucking hell, Steve, pull yourself together.      “ I don’t know but you’re seeing this, right ? I’m not -- you’re real, right ? ”      He knows that it’s stupid to ask but he has to, he has to know. What is he going to do with a ghost girl ? His life is a mess, as per usual.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

Chris Evans - Puncture (2011)

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&seesgood‌

❝ Yeah, ❞ She sighs, moving the phone to her other ear. There’s no way to make him UNDERSTAND, she supposes. He wasn’t in her position. He hadn’t known how dark things were getting before he showed up.  ❝ But there were other girls there, and you saved me. And then you stayed. ❞  THAT is what matters most. That he hadn’t just left. Most of the other  girls, their families had flown in to reunite with them. Brothers, mothers, husbands, fathers —- and she’d had no one. But when she’d woken up and seen him there next to her, she’d felt SAFE. Maybe she hadn’t known him. Maybe he was right and she was thanking him for something that couldn’t entirely be attributed to him, but as far as she was concerned, he’d been the one to carry her out of hell. And he’d been the one to sit with her while she picked up the pieces of her life afterwards.  ❝ Nah, I went to one of those pony rides once, with the mini horses? It bit me though. ❞  Ever since then, she hasn’t really gone NEAR one.   

      He stayed. That’s true, he went into her hospital room, sat at her side and waited for her to open those eyes. He spent days, nights, in her room, speaking, laughing. He was there for her and still doesn’t know why. It just felt like he couldn’t stop worrying until he was back at her side, like nothing was real until he was with her. Head tilts down, gaze focusing on the black liquid in his mug. Caroline has gripped his heart since the moment he laid eyes on her, since those blue eyes met his. He was FUCKED.      “ I stayed because it was you, not because I’m a good person. ”      He has no idea why he just said that, a blush blossoms on the back of his neck and Steve quickly sips from his mug. He snorts, she does have a way with words. He likes that about her, the fact that she always seems to find silver linings, that she always manages to make him laugh or SMILE.      “ And what ? You’ve never tried again ? That doesn’t sound like the brave Caroline I’ve heard about ? ”      Because yes, as if he isn’t fucked enough, he has talked to her friends, he has learnt a lot of stuff about her. Shit. Closing his eyes, he takes another sip. TRULY fucked.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

misc ship aesthetics     (  feat. @nocaptainnomore​  ). 

          she’s the kind of girl you never see coming. it starts off simple and two months later you’re saying  i           love you, you are my world. she told me  ❛ i want a kiss ❜  and i knew i was in trouble. i want to spend           every night tucked up in the mystery that is her mind. what is she thinking ?  what does she want ?            is this enough for her ?  am i enough for her ?  some people you can read; she’s a novel written in           another language.  love  is never easily understood. our love was unexpected, the kind you only read           about. one second i was flying on a plane, the next we were falling in love. it gives me hope that the           world is a good place. she gives me hope that i am good. i look into her eyes and i’m in her soul,           completely transfixed. she wraps her arms around me and i swear no one has ever felt safer in this           world .fingers intertwined with mine and i’m sure we can take on the world. lying next to her i feel her           magic, the kind you can only find in a girl who finds humor in everything. she kisses me and i sprout           wings that take me to a place where we’re together forever. sometimes she laughs and i swear it’s the           cure for any disease. it healed me. she feels like home. no, better than that,; she feels like where i           belong, where i was always supposed to be. i wasn’t looking for anyone; she showed me my forever.           she’s the kind of girl that can do that,  steal your heart and change your life.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&seesgood‌

          Her entire world STOPS in that one moment. She says the words teasingly, as he’s walking out the door, knowing she won’t get a response from him. But when she looks up, still grinning, the sight of his smile LITERALLY makes her heart skip a beat. If she didn’t know she was in love with him, the sight of his smile would have done it right then and there. HAPPINESS looks good on him. He seems lighter, and maybe it’s wishful thinking but the past few weeks…he’s seemed better. Lighter, somehow. She swears the moment can’t get better and then…then those words leave him and she actually sucks in a breath. 

          It’s nothing short of a miracle that she doesn’t die right then and there. Caroline sits frozen, mouth slightly agape, eyes staring at him as he’s halfway out the door. He loves her. She’s still somewhat processing the words, wondering if she imagined them, if he even meant to SAY them, but one look at him proves he did. And then, like his happiness broke through the floodgates, she lets out a laugh, uncurling her legs from beneath her on the couch and practically skipping towards him before he can shut the door. ❝ Say it again, ❞ She murmurs, breathless as she looks up at him. There was a time, maybe as short as FIVE MINUTES ago, that she never thought she’d hear those words. And now that she has… ❝ You love me? ❞ Her smile is nearly painful, happiness flooding through her entire being, buzzing and warm and whole.

@nocaptainnomore          /          continued ! 

      He feels stupid really when he sees her smile lights up the room, he can’t believe he didn’t allow her this happiness for so long. Because she truly looks happy, happier than he’s ever seen. And he should have told her, he should have told her from the first time he’s known, he should have told her every day because she deserves to look as happy as she does now, she deserves to be as happy every day of her life. She saved him much more than he saved her, she saved him from the dullness of his life, she saved him from hiding himself so much he didn’t even look like a human being anymore. Just a robot, refusing to let anyone close, refusing to be part of this world again. He still has a lot of shit to work through, he still feels barely human most days but he has her. And if he has her, he has EVERYTHING. 

       Door is half opened as she throws herself at him, all laughs and blonde hair. His favorite kind of person, truly. He looks into those blue eyes, feels himself grin, he really can’t help. Soon, soon he’ll tell her to come live here forever, soon he’ll ask her to marry her, soon he’ll make hundreds of kids, soon he’ll love her as she deserves to be. He’ll try to at least. He nods, hands finding her cheeks,       “ I do. ”      And he does, God does he love this girl who makes him stupid but better. Better because, thanks to her, he decided to dig and dig and dig and now those motherfuckers will rot. She makes him a better cop, a better person. He gives her a last smile, lips pressing tenderly on the tip of her nose,       “ We’ll soon be out of the grey area, I promise. ”       And he closes the door behind him. 

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

&mcmachine

maybe there were a few things about it that should have made april wearier than she was but truthfully the reasons that she had come over here in the first place hadn’t been as noble as what might have been advertised.  she just needed to be anywhere but seattle even if that meant running halfway across the world.  here,  she wasn’t constantly plagued by the few minutes that she had held her son while he lived and died.  here,  she had an immediate purpose.  the constants of where she was kept her occupied and distracted from her own pain.  she needed that just as much as there was a need for more doctors and trauma surgeons on this side of the world.  she can’t just say that,  though  ––  not to him,  not to anyone else.  she’s supposed to be mentally stable.  putting on the face was something that she was good at.

“better safe than sorry.”  she could at least give him that much.  it would give her something to do in the bit of downtime that she did have when things over here weren’t so crazy and maybe even give him something to look forward to once he was healed up.  “but it’s still going to be contingent on you being a cooperative patient.”  she knew in for good measure.

taking care of people was her job and sometimes it meant adding on things beyond what was taught in medical school.  “yeah,  well,  hopefully there won’t be a need to use any of it at home.  i think if another bad thing happens at that hospital i’m going to have to get a new job.”  she practically already had.  that was why she was here and not there.  a smile was pushed across her lips for a brief moment.  “while i’m here,  now would probably be a good time for me to clean your wound and change your bandages.”

      He’s relieved to hear her agreeing, somehow. He hopes that she’s not saying that for him to comply. However, she doesn’t know him and she doesn’t know how stubborn he can be. His anger has dwelled down a bit now that she has agreed. He truly wishes to help her, to give her chance. Mouth forms a pout, shrugging before wincing, fuck that hurts,      “ I’ll be good. I can’t train you if I’m still all broken. ”      What was he saying ? Yes, he can be stubborn. But he does truly believe that he can help her. And honestly, he didn’t enlist in the army to shoot people and wreak havoc in unknown countries. If he can help her, he would consider it a win on his part. 

       A chuckle escapes his lips though he wonders what kind of town it was for so much shit to happen to her. He prefers not to ask, it’s not his business and is not one to prob at obviously still opened wounds. He has his own of course and she has hers. He’s not one for sharing, he believes that you can heal by yourself. He doesn’t know if it’s true or not but he believes and that is what matters. He doesn’t know if he believes in God anymore but he believes in myself and that’s something. He takes what he can, he likes the action, to be useful but it comes with such awful bad sides.  Steve tries to forget it, to forget them but he can’t always do. He needs distraction. Helping her will help him, it’s a win-win situation.      “ You should get a new job anyway, yes. This town seems like it sucks. ”      

      Steve is not fond of bandaging, of changing them, of cleaning his wounds. It hurts and it sucks. But he’s been through worse and he’ll get through this minor inconvenience.      “ Fine. But you better tell me funny stories. ”      His mother used to do that when he was so sick, telling him funny stories.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

it feels like ages, waiting for this moment. building up to it. treading carefully, speculating, yearning for it.  she’s spent hours wondering what his lips would feel like, what his tongue would taste like, what it would feel like to have him TRULY touch her. and in more than just a brush of the arm, sort’ve way. more than her hand nestled in the c rook of his arm. no, no she wants to know what his arms feel like wrapped around her, what his chest feels like when she’s pressed against it, how his breath hitches as they kiss. but they take it SLOW. slow, because she doesn’t want to set him off. because no matter how strong she knows he is, he’s also incredibly broken. and so is she. —– the night, for all intents and purposes, is perfect. romantic dinner, the warm night air as he walks her back to her apartment. they don’t talk about anything overly serious, she laughs, he smiles, it leaves her with that light, fluttery feeling in her stomach.

and then it happens. right there on her doorstep, right there like it’s out of some GOD DAMN romantic movie montage. she barely hears the muttered words before his hands are sliding over her cheeks, pulling her closer. and then he’s kissing her. like really kissing her. and it’s safe to say it’s FAR MORE than she ever could have predicted. his mouth is slow, but his hands are firm. it makes her knees go weak, the way he touches her, the way he kisses her. all thoughts fly from her mind as her hands curl around his shoulders, pulling him in closer, kissing back before the moment can end too soon. but eventually it does, eventually, she knows, it has to. but neither of them pull away just yet, so she just lingers there, breathing him in, half-wondering if she’s dreaming. ❝ wow, ❞ she finally breathes out, punctuating the word with a small laugh. ❝ that was, um, wow. ❞

@seesgood

      He’s fallen in love with her, HARD. He loves her smile, her laughs, the freckles on her nose as she crinkles it. He loves how she allows him time, he loves how careful she is with him without it feeling like a barrier between them. She makes him want to get ouf of bed in the morning, she makes him want to be better, to stop being beaten down by his past. She makes everyday better and he’s so thankful for her. Caroline is in his every waking thoughts, she’s truly the sun around which he revolves. And so here she is, smiling and laughing, her hands hesitating on her keys and he wants her. BAD. He hasn’t had the guts yet, he’s afraid to break that balance they seem to have found. But in this moment, rays of the moon echoing on her blonde hair, he can’t help it. Words escape his lips without him realizing. His hands curves around her cheeks, holding her like she’s porcelain and he’s pressing his lips against her.

      Small kisses first, each one is an I love you he’s not ready to say. But then she responds and his mind is blown away, not a coherent thought in sight as he kisses her, as his tongue slides against hers. Thumb mindlessly rubs at her flesh and he feels STRONG under her delicate hands on his shoulders. Her smell is everywhere, his eyes close tight as he carves this memory in his brain, keeping it safe for rainy day. He feels like a man, one whole man, as he kisses her and he wonders if maybe she’s what’s been missing all along. His human condition brings him back, he needs to breath. But hands stay on her cheek, eyes still closed as he rests his forehead against hers, He doesn’t want to happen them, he wants to stay in this moment forever. But she speaks and the words make him blush a bit, blue eyes opening as thumbs keep rubbing her skin softly.      “ I don’t think I’ll ever stop kissing you. ”       Steve presses his lips against her nose, a tentative smile on his lips. I do hope she’ll give him the opportunity to do so, to kiss her until he dies.

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

[nocaptainnomore-blog]

‘ i know you love me. ’

       A smile brightens his face at her words, he can’t help it. But she seems to know every inflexion of his voice, every line of his face – she knows everything he can’t say. Her  patience has truly been a GIFT for she told him she loved him a while ago now, in that fateful night of snow in his flat. He hasn’t been able to tell her that he feels the same, he has wanted to wait for her case to be closed. But he has made so much progress since that night, he’s so close to get them. He doesn’t want them to take any more of her HAPPINESS. 

      Hand is hovering above the handle of his door, ready to go. Her words stopped it. She’s been spending some time here and there, a key of his flat given to her. She said she felt SAFE there, so he usually lets her come and go as she pleases. Turning back to face her, he grins.      “ Everybody knows that I love you, doll. ”      Eyebrows shot up, grin so wide as he waits to see her reaction before closing the door behind him. He feels euphoric. 

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I can’t help it 

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&seesgood‌

She doesn’t realize that the tears are falling until one falls on the table in front of her. Until they’re streaming down her cheeks and she’s drawing in a shaking breath. HE’S TOO  GOOD. He’s always been too good for her. In high school, he’d been the one that could always calm her down. Her other half. The one that knew her better than anyone ever had, or would, or could know her. He was EVERYTHING. He still is. Caroline shakes her head at his comment, only wanting to cry harder at his reassurance. She doesn’t deserve it. SHE DOESN’T. And the fact that he’s promising her it was alright, that she deserved better, only further proves that he doesn’t believe he’s worth anything. And that, quite possibly, breaks her heart more than the rest of it does.

❝ I abandoned you, ❞   She sobs, the picture of him blurring in front of her as she blinks back tears.   ❝ You needed me and I LEFT. ❞   And then he went back. But she’d known he would. The warzone would always call him back, and she’d never be able to pull him away. She’d never be enough to ground him back to their home. To her. She hadn’t been enough. There’s no way to explain the kind of pain she felt — that she FEELS — about walking away from him. How excruciating it is to turn your back on the person you love most. At some point, she has to tell herself that there is no happy ending. That there’s no magical fix for him to return to the man she first fell in love with. That no matter how hard she tries, she will never be enough to FIX him.  

       He can’t stand it, the tears streaming down her face and he can’t stand that he’s the cause of it. Her hand in his isn’t enough, it can’t be, his words are only drawing more and more tears and he hates that. He rises, sitting next to her, his arm naturally coming over her shoulders, tucking her in his side. Oh Caroline, she can’t be sad, she has to burn bright and happy, she truly is the SUN. Her scent engulfs him and he closes his eyes, basking in it. She’s warm against his side and he feels like he’s finally home with her tucked at his side. He wouldn’t wish to be anywhere else in the world, truly. And he feels bad, bad about Sharon because he’s never felt that connection with her. 

       Blonde hair gets stuck in his beard and his hand closes around hers over their laps. Tongue wets his dry lips, hoping to find the right words.      “ You’ve always been there with me, Caroline. You taught me a lot, you gave me so much, you’ve never abandoned me, not at all. ”      She taught him compassion, she taught how to fight for himself, she taught him LOVE. A love you can’t forget, a love that forgives everything and accepts every part of yourself. That’s what he does, he kept it close to heart and applies it every day of his life. She’s been his best girl since he was a teenager, she held his hand when he lost his mother, she kissed him silly and warmed him to the core when the nights were too cold in his flat. She’s always been his rock, his SHINING STAR, always leading him hime.

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&mcmachine‌

she smiled for a brief moment and gave a shake of her head.  “i’d love to see any picture of you where your bicep isn’t the size of my head.  you’d think i would be used to being scrawny compared to everyone around me.”  yeah,  he makes her look pretty tiny when she has to stand next to him or when they were training together.  most people made her look pretty small but it felt exaggerated in circumstances where size actually made a difference.  it doesn’t matter in the operating room like it does here.  usually even,  having such nimble and dainty fingers worked as in an advantage when she was working inside of someone.  but surgery was the exception for so many things in life and this just happened to be another one of them.  the world doesn’t work like the operating room does.

“oof!”  a victory still comes with a cost here apparently as both her knees hit the ground,  only avoiding falling on her face from the grip that he had on his arm.  “it’s a little hard to tell up against you.  not that i don’t appreciate this because i do,  but you make me feel like a wimp.”  she commented as she stood back up and brushed off her knees.  “but i like getting knocked onto my knees more than bruising my tailbone again,  so there’s that.”

       Sad chuckle passes dry lips, he won’t answer anymore, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t know how he came to be this healthy but he truly was closer to dying than living for more than the first decade of his life. That’s a burden he would not wish on anyone, sickness that is. He knows his mother still has pictures of him from when he was little, even though he begged her to destroy them. Still, he could not refuse her a thing and so the pictures are still up in his childhood home. He doesn’t mind as long as it makes her happy, she has never been too happy about him leaving for war, enlisting in the army, he can let her have pictures she likes up. 

        Fingers immediately release her arm, as soon as she seems stable enough on her own two feet and a step backward is taken. Arms cross on her chest, letting her clean roughly herself up.      “ Don’t be too hard on yourself, I’ve been training for years. Thank God I’m still better than you, right ? ”       He tries a smile, hoping to convey that he’s still on this little banter they’ve got going. He waits for her, eyes going to his wristwatch, they still have a few minutes left before he has to go.      “ Okay, last round. ”      Hands go to rest against his tights, only eyes shining with a fighting flame.