nobodys-fuckin-cuck

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

Literally everything is your fault. Play victim. Cry boo hoo all you want. I'm no one's fucking cuck and the way you just tried to cuck me was not only disgusting and pathetic it legitimately was unhinged.

You're nothing to me anymore. You've destroyed everything. You don't listen, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

For a long time my greatest fear was waiting for the day you say you hate me.

Well today your choice and actions spelled out crystal clearly that you do in fact hate me. You never cared about anything but what you could gain. Your oaths were just manipulation to get what you wanted. You claimed to want to submit to me but all you wanted was to defy me. You never even tried to pretend to submit to me. Even the smallest ask of you was met with heavy scoffs, disdain, an unwillingness to actually do anything and when you did do the very rare thing after fighting me about whether you should, you did it with heavy hesitation and eye rolling and annoyance.

You call me Master then say I deserve to be treated like shit. You destroy everything that is good about us then tell me how sad you are hearing only the bad. You actively and intentionally hurt me then refuse to apologize.

Well congratulations. All you've done is create bad and refuse to take responsibility for your actions. Play victim. Play innocent. Project.

All while you choose to lash out. Choose to inflict harm. Attack me because you don't think you're getting enough sympathy. You feel entitled to pity and you don't care what you've done to me. All you care about is how nice you are. So nice. So so nice. You listened to me talk for ten whole minutes! But then I interrupt you cuz I'm just a big ol meanie. Nevermind the fact you're lying and trying to make your actions justified. And what I was saying to you is how you completely destroyed me as a person and the FIRST THING YOU DO is ask me if I'm actually sure you are the one who made the post in question. First thing. Deny. Deflect deflect. Claim ignorance because you don't "remember" doing it. Then come at me saying I never tried talking about it and that's my fault. But we have had multiple conversations about exactly this same thing in question and you already admitted to it being your post and I've seen the post on your phone in your account.

But can I really be SURE you said that? And now that I am sure and you've fought me on it am.i just over reacting anyways? It's just an emotional post on an anonymous app so that you never had to admit you wished you never left your abusive ex to begin with.

Years telling me you'd kill yourself if I compare you at all to any girl. Years telling me you loved me and only me and I was so much better than your abusive shit ex. You'd never get with him again. He makes your stomache stick and you can't believe I'd ever ask if you'd allow any sexual thing to ever happen between you and any other person at all. How could I? Your BODY belongs only to me and only I can dictate what penetrates it. I alone am allowed to touch you. And in fact it matters so much to you that the last person you let touch you sexually was me. You made such a big deal over how important that was to you. You'd never make me feel like he was more important than me and if anyone at all tried to be sexual with you you'd tell me immediately because you're mine. All mine and only mine and you swear it on your life. Your bond. You swear it on your future ability to have children. On your very soul and regardless of anything else in existence you'd keep this promise to your dying breath.

By everything. So many times you swore it and got to the point of angry with me for even being insecure.

So fucking dramatic you got. Hysterical.

And you wish you never left him in the first place. You consent to and negotiate prices for different sex acts. The only reason you do not have more sex acts with him is because he doesn't have more than 150 dollars.

150 dollars.

That's it. That was the price of consenting to letting him be the last person to be sexual with you.

150 dollars. A single monthly bill. One hundred fifty dollars.

And every oath on your life, soul, future child bearance, everything.

For 150 dollars I was offering you for free to help out.

You just had to do the worst things in the world to me and lie to me. You had no choice because talking is hard. You never get the Chance to explain yourself or do the right thing, you're just too busy doing the wrong thing to find the time to show me even a tiny glimmer of respect or love.

It's simply remarkable how easily and loudly you scream in my face and attack me just because you want to but when I ask you to stop and tell you to leave and you scream no, I have to threaten to call the police because you don't give a fuck about being told no. For someone who was just raped and made ME fix the problem for her you'd think when someone repeatedly said no to anything you would respect it.

But no. Even when you're trying to scream about how you were screaming no, and for someone to help you, and want me to feel exactly how horrible that felt..... you have to scream it over me telling you no and to stop and I didn't want to do this. But you never care about me. As long as you get to do what you want right?

Your actions tell me everything about how much you "love" me. How much you "care"

You sure demonstrated understanding about what I feel. I'm in shock. True amazement.

You really are a whole other level.

Congratulations. You must be so proud of yourself. The only thing you love more than me, is hating me.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

This is your fault.

Yours

You chose this. You screamed multiple times at me that we were done forever.

Don't you dare cry at me. Don't dare pretend you care about me. Don't you dare to pretend to love me.

You've lied to me enough.

You've betrayed me enough.

You've failed to protect me and laughed at my bleeding heart on the ground.

Then you dare ask me what I want?

I'll fucking tell you.

The Jensen that wasn't a lying bitch who threatens me and hurts me and sleeps like a baby ignoring me.

I want the Jensen that doesn't Hate her alleged "Master"

I wanted the woman who waited ten years to be with me.

The one who thought she was lucky to even talk to me.

But I don't have her. All I have is a Jena that thinks it's all a game and doesn't care what I think or feel. All I have is a knife in my back.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

All I ever wanted if I ever got to be with you was to be the Hero and Master you always made me believe I was. To be the absolute best man that you ever knew. To have your absolute faith in me feel rewarded.

In so many ways, what we have now is more than we've ever had and more than we dared even hope could be a reality let alone on the kind of timescales that its all happened and yet.

Instead of hearing you tell me how absolutely happy you are with everything you've gotten with me and how far we've come. Instead of any celebration whatsoever of the success we have had or how hard either of us has worked to get here...

We fight. You tell me all the time you're seriously thinking about things that will make you NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME. After the Decade of fight... After everything you went through for ten years. The fact you can ever even say to me that you are thinking of not being with me is Frankly such a major blow that I am still not recovered from it.

I have to live in a reality now where I've been such a disappointment to you that you constantly feel like you might not want to be with me.

Every single night I am haunted by the way you used to say you'd do anything to just be my friend. You would be grateful forever to just be able to talk to me whenever you wanted. That if you ever got to call me yours you would NEVER LEAVE ME for any reason Whatsoever. That you love me always and forever and you'll never make me feel undesirable.

And yet I do feel undesirable. Now I have to consider all the ways in which you will leave me. Now I have to be careful of what I say or You'll yell at me. Now I have to beg you to answer the phone when I'm calling you in tears. Now I have to deal with the fact that you can actively decide you want to ignore me.

It turns my stomache.

I used to think I was some kind of wonderful treasure that you valued more than your own life. I used to think I made everything better and you wanted to be with me by my side through anything. I used to think you wanted to protect me and help me be better.

Now I have to live with the fact that I'm overwhelming and you don't even want to talk to me sometimes. That whether

You say it or not out loud anymore I see in your eyes that sometimes you don't even fucking like me. Now I know for a fact that I cause you so many problems that you're really thinking you would be better off without me.

I went from untouchable hero you used to beg to come save you and you would be so grateful to be able to talk to....

...to an easily ignorable cry baby you don't trust with your issues and might not even want in your life.

I am struggling with Accepting this as any kind of reality. I am struggling with feeling like I should even try to fix it. If I failed this badly I never deserved you. I am struggling feeling like I never deserved to be in your life and that I was better off as some impossible dream you held onto but believed in  rather than....

.....being.... This big of a problem. Rather than crushing your hope this badly. Rather than making you lose faith in what you believed in. Rather than ruining your entire life by being.... Just some guy with problems and not....

The hero and Master you made me feel like I was to you.

I never thought that any of this could ever happen and it's happening right in front of me.

I never thought that after all this work you could ever think that what we had for the  last 10 years was better than what we have now.

I never thought you'd ever willingly choose a life without me.

And I can't even blame you. That's the worst part of all of this. I really do not blame you for thinking about it. For considering it.

I fucking hate myself so much and if I could escape me I would seriously think about it too.

*swallows and just looks down* anyways I don't know why I wrote this. It's just something that I feel all the time. Maybe I thought my feelings should be heard.  I don't know. I don't even know if or when I'll send this.

All I know is it hurts so badly right now that I had to write it down. I had to feel like even if I never send this message I still told you.  I had to feel like if I write it down there is a very small chance that you will see it. That you'll hear me. That you'll see this hurt too.

That you'll listen.

*rocks quietly* I'm talking to nothing pretending it's you listening so that I feel like maybe just maybe the thoughts will quiet down enough that I can hear you. That I can support you.

That I can take care of you. That instead of hurt you can feel the love in my arms. That instead of pain you see that I need you in my eyes.

I'm writing Into a void you may never look into just so I can try to face the reality that I hate that I find ourselves in because I don't know how to escape.

Not from the bad reality.

Not from my pain.

Not... From myself....

I found a Void to post this to. Now I don't have to interrupt you or send a shit message and if you ever Do find it.... Well. Now you can talk to me when you're ready and not be forced to address it now when you're overwhelmed by other shit...

Atra Liono, R'athniere.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

I actually left for this Drive to clear my head. Hoping maybe you wpuld want to call me and talk. Maybe realign with me a bit. Maybe just catch our breath together.

I can't reread or messages here anymore.

You're so different now. You've changed so much. The way you treat me has changed entirely. The things you used to talk about making something to you don't get brought up anymore. You for smile first thing when you see me anymore. That one hurts.

*traces his Grace slowly* you haven't even tried to write your name on me. You haven't told me how much you want to match me. Haven't told me how much you need Master to claim you and own you.

Actually you've backed off your submission quite a lot. *feels pain rip through him* you sweetie to trust Master. Swore it was not I submit to master, but. It was I submit to Master. I will trust him entirely

Then proceedee to stop trusting me and treat me like I don't know things and started acting like I need to be tolerated not indulged. Carefully given neutral responses now.no more eager to learn.

Learn.

*very painful look*

I stopped Asking about the Devotion. Hurt too much. Hurts so much.

Maybe you're starting to finally understand why I was so afraid of you seeing me for me. Maybe you're rethinking that teach you line. Maybe you realize my wisdom isn't very wise. My Light is dim. My mercy is weakness.

*holds his stomache*

D'athniere.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

This was supposed to be a diary of sorts. Remember that? Do you remember anything about the way we used to be right now?

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

3 hours my chest has been numb like this. My stomache tight. I can't control my breathing. I am seriously considering a Hospital trip.

But even in an extreme I can't contact you. You took that away from me. So I'm turning back on life 360.

So at very least if an emergency does Happen I care that you know.

Wiol Ono. *face tightens in distress but decides if he's going to wait then he's going to do so as silently as he can, knowing you hold every post he makes against him*

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

I can't fucking believe this is happening

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

I sincerely hope you don't have notifications turned on for this tumblr anymore or you are actually going to see this before tomorrow.

I wrote this like 35 minutes before this all happened. You have these clear repeating patterns that you do but you deny. So much so that I start documenting them.

Today was the absolute and most heavy sense of betrayal I have ever felt. And I have to trust you. Trust that you aren't going to hurt me when I literally just watched you hurt me AGAIN.

And tomorrow. You're going to tell me how wrong I was. Make me apologize and tell me because I'm not giving you the understanding and support that you expected with your hurt today, that this is MY fault you're going to tell me that when you aren't supported, when you are hurting, you act exactly how you acted last night and if I want to prevent that from happening then I should give you the support you need.

Well guess what. I tried and I told you I needed support. I used our safe word to ask for reassurance today. You promised me when you got home you would. Then you completely forgot me and on multiple occasions when I told you that I love you, you did NOT say it back.

You alwaya deny that you do that to me. But you do.

You. Hurt. Me.

But because you had a bad day and did not ask for what you need from me, you chose instead to select something small like the nicknames that I had a PERFECTLY FAIR REASON for, and decide that I caused you hurt and no longer get to call you, you withhold the affection of going to sleep with me. You do not offer an apology or explanation. You just tell me that maybe we can discuss what happened there.

And then.

THEN.

In anger. Telling me that communication won't continue tonight.

That.

That's when you decide to say I love you.

You have SWORN to me. That if you were ever hurting me and irrational I could ALWAYS talk to you.

You have SWORN to me that if I am crying. You would never ignore my tears. That you would always be here for me. And get I directly was crying in chat and you didn't even ask about it.

You have SWORN to me that if I wanted to go to sleep with you on the phone,then I would get to.

Even if we were fighting. Even if I were the one who was in the wrong and hurting you.

I absolutely 100% know that you aren't telling me everything about your day. I know you're shutting me out, and I was still offering love, support,affection. You denied them all to me. Every single one.

So this is where I'm at with this.

Tomorrow, I am willing to communicate with you.

And we are going to see if you're willing to accept that you were wrong, or if you're going to choose to defend the choices that you made tonight.

For the very first time, I'm Angry at you.

But I still. Love you.

I still. Want to be be with you. *fights tears* still.

It's your move, Vyxen.

~Master Always.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

Emergency

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

*laughs hysterically as he stops in the middle of the road.*

Neve driven on this road before. And hey guess what direction it fucking goes?

I mean there's only 4 of v then what are the odds.

West.

Tcht.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

Such a beautiful Curse on this Heart of mine

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

No wounds. Only mental hell but I didn't cut. I made it through to be here when you finally returned without a single physical wound....

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

.... My last post was everything I had. All the potential good I could try to do today and now it's just the very dark thoughts and fears.

When you decide to talk again please forgive me but I am trying to survive this right now and my mind is conjuring horrendous imagery and my insecurity is having a field day, so I'm very fucking sorry but I'm trying to be safe and I pray you're not actually doing the cruel things my mind is imagining.

I love you. Even if you won't say it back right now I love you and I and clinging to Faith. Please see me Goddess. Please hear me

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

I have serious trouble with being ignored. It seems me into spirals that make me think the worst of myself. Just tell me you need the space like you were doing before. I can't stop my mind from imagining stomache wrenching nightmare scenarios. I imagine stuff that really really really really scares me she I end up needing reassurances and am afraid of asking for them because I know I made it up in my head and don't want to have that become a Weapom against me

I don't do well with when I am told something is a problem but then see the person do something that is were done to them would be a problem but they do it without seeming thought. This has only VERY rarely happened but he specific instance mm thinking of hurt like hell

I get crushed by guilt. It's one of the most effective weapons that's ever been used against me and when I feel even slightly guilty I will even hurt myself badly to try and compensate for the guilt. I feel like I deserve to hurt and my blame game activates and I will mutilate my heart and body over it. I often need a lot of security boosts to remove guilt and that's a lot of effort I know.I'm sorry.

When I don't feel heard I try to say it in different ways but I get so anxious I sometimes get confusing. I have tried to reach a point of compromise with this issue in so many different ways but inevitably I always fall back too talking too much and saying too many things. Its very helpful if someone is willing to ask me the direct intent of what I'm saying and they can then ignore the poorly worded word vomit.

... Withholding the words "I love you" and "I miss you" has always wounded me deeply. Switching to "love you" with obligatory tones and looking away does not feel like a compromise or anything to me. It feels like you pity me and don't want to hurt my feelings but you don't actually feel the love. I know it's a hard thing to sometimes consciously choose but adding the I and returning the admonition is a massive comfort to me. The more this Happens, the worss I start to feel.

- I Cannot always keep up with the deflecting and distracting from a problem and hurt . I would prefer if you say "I need to readdress this in a minute" or "I need to gather my thoughts" instead of just Suddenly putting a new thing in front of me cvd talking only about that as if we were not just talking about my feelings on something. I have extensive trauma with this I will explain if desired.

-a lot of the time I feel like I am expected to be understanding and calm and reasonable at all times and any flash of emotion is heavily reprimanded and I'm made to feel guilty. This is a very difficult subject but I feel like I leave room for you to have emotional outbursts regularly but even if I ask for the permission to break a bit it feels like I'm being unfair and it feels like I'm.... Overstaying my welcome. This is very very very uncomfortable and adds to my feeling like a burden or at worst car scenario like I'm being used as an emotional lightning rod but denied my own outlet as well. This is... Critical. Massive to my mental wellness.

I have more but I need to think so I can be good. Do good. Right... I know you're hurt and I don't deserve this but I can't... I need to do something with my time and stop thinking about what... I.. I...

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

....thank you.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

I just put all of my Trust in you....

Please don't betray it.

[nobodys-fuckin-cuck]

I'm too much. Overwhelming. Overbearing. A burden and when I asked if it was worth it you couldn't answer...

*laughs sadly*

Too insecure. Too weak. I need more than your physically able to give. And it's my fault for having such hard problems

I get it. I really do. You're trying. But I'm just too hard to deal with and it's not fair to ask you to.

I'll swallow as much as I can. I won't put any thing on you that you do not want to carry anymore. I can't keep doing this to you. I can't keep being and feeling like you blame me for not being able to control my feelings.....

But there's things I can't swallow. And there's so many times where your anger and the way you snap at me when you feel like you've done enough for me and now I'm being unreasonable and it fucking hurts.

You're drowning. I get it. I really do and I'm  not sure if you really can't see it or you just think I'm really that strong. Maybe you honestly believe I'm holding my shit together but I'm telling you right now I'm underwater and I don't have any breath Right now. I am lost. I am so hurt and confused and I'm sinking even lower.

But I'm still clinging to you because you're drowning and I can't let that happen, so I will swallow the whole ocean if I can to make sure you can touch ground once in a while but then sometimes I look back and cough up some water and it's like you are insulted that I got some in your eye.

I really don't know how to talk about what I'm going through without feeling as though are you getting fed up and annoyed with me. You lash out very hard at me a lot and then you forget about it but I am still bleeding. This isn't some blame thing I'm doing with you to be malicious or anything. It's trying to explain why I'm having difficulty sometimes with reaching out, and show you that there's times where you do hurt me. I want to navigate thru those.

But very often you just tell me how you are navigating through things or what works for you and you just do things your way and you then get angry at me for feeling hurt and tell me you're doing this your way...

But I honestly don't remember when you last asked me how to deal with a problem MY way  and every time  I've tried to explain myself you've shut me down very hard. Told me to just stop. Literally cut off my way of processing things and  at times have made me feel wrong for needing to process things my way. There are even things that I honestly feel like I should have gotten a bit more understanding and then was made to feel like my lack of understanding was out of line.

I'm paralyzed... At any moment you can just walk away from me. From any hurt I have and if it's just all you have to give then it's all you have and I'm expected to cover my own wounds and not bleed until you're ready to look at it again. And it just makes me feel like my problems are too much and  like you don't want any of it

All of this. It's all just me whining and crying. But I feel like I'm.expected to get over it. I'm expected to just... Sit down. Shut up  and speak when given permission....

*touches his Collar and very suddenly feels like an idiot*

Maybe I should learn my place.... And stop getting to control anything when I can't even control my own emotions.....

*hugs his knees to his chest and puts two fingers under his own Collar, falling silent*