no-demons-in-wonderland

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

I am so beyond fucking fed up with being disabled and not having a single reliable human being in my goddamn life.

I need 4 prescriptions to keep myself functional and alive every month. I PAY FOR IT MYSELF. All I fucking needed was someone to pick it up for me because the pharmacy is 51 miles away. But no. I can ask and ask and ask and beg but it doesn't fucking matter of the one goddamn thing I need SOMEONE ELSE to help me with DOES NOT FUCKING HAPPEN. I will not be able to sleep or eat until I get my meds. I will be forced to bear my insomnia and severe GERD and vomiting. I will be wheezing because I don't have my inhaler. The cysts on my ovaries will have me crippled in unbearable pain unable to move.

But at least y'all got to go for a fun drive. At least y'all have an oven that works to cook your fucking meals. But I guess that doesn't matter since I won't be able to eat anyway.

Y'all can walk. Y'all can drive. Y'all can sleep and eat.

I FUCKING CANT DO ANY OF THAT

And I'm so sick and fucking tired...

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

I am truly sorry little man. I know you're back to annoying your pupper but I really wish you could have stuck around. Such a sweet and sassy little guy Maximus there's a hole in the house without you here. I had a pit in my stomach waking up yesterday I knew something bad happened. I love you lots itty bitty baby a year just wasn't long enough. 🩶

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Take a moment to listen to the rain, you're exhausted from fighting; ableism, racism, classism, homophobia, transphobia, biphobia, pro lifers, chronic illness, financial disparity and much more.



[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Not gonna add a number to this but this specific phrase makes me want to struggle to stand on one leg, pick up my 15lb wheelchair and use it like the professional wrestlers do in the ring to smack the ever loving crap outta someone.

"Back on your feet"

I have physically bitten through my lip and/or made my palms bleed holding back from doing it. 

Tips on how to avoid being unintentionally ableist

1. When a disabled person says they cannot do something, and you wish to offer solutions, do not make a solution that involves them powering through pain, or something thats not accessible to the disabled.

Example:

Disabled person: "washing dishes hurts too much and i cannot do it."

Abled person: "what if you did one dish at a time throughout the day?"

This statement is not respecting that this disabled person just said they "can't". Always respect that. No matter how simple the task would be for you.

Disabled person:" i think ill use plastic silverware so i don't make dishes."

Abled person: "plastic is bad for the environment!"

This statement shuts down the most accessible and disabled friendly option that this disabled person can actually do because of the abled persons personal beliefs. This is not helpful, and ableist.

Better yet, instead of offering solutions, ask them directly "is there anything you need that you do not have that would help you do this?" This allows the disabled person to think about what would work, and they will always have a better idea of what would work than you do.

To add on to this, when we say we have no more energy to solve a problem or do a task, or change our lifestyle, we mean it.

2. If you feel discomfort when a disabled person is talking about their health, good and bad, that is ableist. Your discomfort is coming from a place that deams disabled peoples very existence as a bad thing and you need to fix that.

For example:

Disabled person:" this week has been rough pain wise, ive been through a lot, felt like my body was on fire. Lucky i got new meds though and i think they're helping!"

Abled person: "can we talk about something else, this is a bummer."

Disabled people should be able to exist freely without worrying about your personal comfort. Do you really think its appropriate to tell someone in constant pain that their life is making YOU uncomfortable?

3. Do not treat disabled people as tragedies, do not romanticize their old life or put their current one down.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah my life is pretty difficult sometimes, ive lost a lot but i still have happy moments."

Abled person: "it makes me so sad to see what disabled people go through :(. You used to love rock climbing and running, i would love to see you move around more again."

This statement is putting more value on the disabled persons abled past, and ignoring their life as a whole.

4. Do not avoid speaking to disabled people because it hurts to see your loved one disabled.

For example: my grandmother avoids conversations with me because it hurts her to see me in pain. While she has good intentions it leaves me being unable to be close to her. This is very isolating to the disabled.

5. Do not stop inviting your disabled friend/loved one out even if they are never well enough to attend. Unless we specifically ask you to stop asking if we can go out, good chances are we want to know you still care because again, disability is very isolating.

6. When a disabled person says certain things in their health have gotten better or worse, do not challenge this because you don't see a difference.

For example:

Disabled person: "yeah things are getting a little better"

Abled person sees disabled person using their wheelchair like usual: "i thought you said you were getting better?"

Better and worse are usually small changes only the disabled experience, its not like abled people healing from a broken arm. Better to a disabled person could mean they can stand for 10 more minutes.

7. Do not expect disabled people to ever be abled again, and again, do not put more value on an abled life.

For example:

Disabled person:"I have been using a wheelchair for 2 years."

Abled person: "oh you're young, im sure you'll be walking around in no time!"

This statement invalidates and ignores the disabled persons current life by hoping they get a more abled bodied life. Its fine to hope disabled people get better, but you don't get to decide what better looks like.

Hope this helps, stay punk.

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

I literally can't wait. Every single phone call I have to make regarding my literal life/quality of life starts with some automated system. And more than half the time the system brings me right back to the start.

I've found pressing 0 a thousand times gets you to an actual employee much faster.

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

CRPS & Other Chronic Pain vent.

I met with a surgeon again. And again he's too scared. I get it I really do. But I daydream that my foot gets run over, I dream that I get frostbite, I dream that something tragic needs to happen for me to not be in pain anymore. Because a doctor is too scared to cut the problem off. And the excuse is the same every time "I'm too scared I'll make it worse".

I'm scared to leave the house. Because using my crutches to go in and out the door means I can fall. Falling means I can break something or damage my foot further, but not enough to amputate. I have to live like an amputee whose foot is on fire 24/7 and is still attached to me. I haven't walked in 3 years. I'm trapped in my wheelchair which doesn't go through grass and gravel. My back, shoulders, wrists, hips, knees, ankles, elbows they all HURT.

The only treatment that makes a dent in my quality of life is OMT. And all that does is put my ribs, joints and spine back into the positions they should have been in the first place.

Aside from the many medications keeping my nervous system somewhat functioning, that little green plant is all that's keeping me alive.

I've tried so many medications, I've done YEARS of physical therapy, I tortured myself for weeks using topicals, I had electrical cords shoved down my spinal column, I've had massive needles shoved into my back.

I WANT TO CUT OFF MY MOTHERFORKING FOOT and I don't want people thinking it's a drastic decision. Because it's all I've thought about since the day I sprained my ankle and the pain never went away 3 fucking years ago. 

I'm just tired. So freaking tired.

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Last and first photos I took of you sweet girl. It breaks my heart I couldn't say goodbye to such a gentle baby kitty. Duma missed you so much so keep him and Camo company for me. I loved you all to pieces.

Sweet Sophie 💛

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

You stuck around for 3 days after dads birthday huh?

You were okay and then you wern't.

Goodbye sweet Boa, you're the last doggo I'll have in my life.

Go chase all the birds Bocephus 🩷

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Autistic/ADHD folks I need halp.

I haven't successfully watched anything new in 2-3 years unless it's a one off anime with 12 episodes 😭

I've been trying desperately hard and I just can't focus. My list of shows to watch just keeps growing and I keep rewatching the same stuff on an endless loop or until new episodes are released.

Any advice would be helpful I really wanna watch new stuff but can't force my brain to pay attention before I pick up my phone and scroll through Tik tok or check for new web manga chapters. And I'm noticing more and more I'm doing it on autopilot.

I've put it out of immediate reach but then will still realize I missed half an episode because I was looking at a smudge on the screen and not the damn tv show.

Ya'll I can only watch Naruto, DBZ, Criminal Minds etc so many times 😭😭😭😭 I just finished Psych and Bones for maybe the 6th time

(PS I've seen nearly everything so my loop never ends)

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Who needs friends? Not me I guess. I'm the one who goes outta their way to buy gifts even when I have no money. I remember their birthdays. I always text first.

But that really doesn't matter anymore. Not when I do that much and more. Not a single "friend" remembered. It doesn't even hurt like I thought it would because I knew they'd forget. I'm just so disappointed. You'd think that years together would make a difference, you'd think that someone would remember. I'm just tired. Tired of no one caring. Tired of no one checking in. Tired of trying to save friendships that no one but me wants.

Someone made some sad video on how their best friend was far away. And I've realized my friends contacted me more when I was able bodied, lived 14 hours and a time zone away. But now that I'm disabled and live 1 hour away in the same timezone we barely even speak let alone see each other.

No one in months has asked me to make plans. No one has asked to hang out. No one remembered my damn birthday. Cheers to being 28 and realizing I have no friends... happy birthday right?

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Oof it's gonna be a mad one.

I am soooo SICK AND TIRED of people glamorizing chronic mental and physical illnesses. As well as oppression Olympics.

You couldn't shower or brush your teeth recently? Totally fine everyone has bad days.

You haven't done laundry in a while? Rewear those jeans/tshirt/dress.

But bragging that it's been 5 months since you washed your bedding and saying it's not real bed rotting unless you've neglected yourself that long?

Makes me sick. Because there are actual people being mistreated in facilities and in their own homes by supposed caretakers. People that should be getting their teeth and hair brushed daily. People that should be getting wiped down daily if they don't shower as often. It's disgusting to be bragging about things that are considered neglect and abuse to other people.

And the victim complex some people have...

"You don't know what you're talking about because you don't agree"

Like many people have various experiences especially within the disabled community. I personally have never been long term bedridden. But I've had multiple surgeries that have left me extremely restricted in what I can and can't do. Abdominal surgeries that didn't allow me to shower or lift more that 5lbs for weeks at a time. Pain while showering separate from the severe disabling conditions I already have.

I'll never look down or judge someone harshly based on circumstances. But there's a huge difference between feeling bad for someone and knowing they need help vs feeling bad because they refuse to help themselves.

Might be a bit controversial but it's the same group of people who blame their bad decisions on their illness/disability. And ughhh it's so patronizing when there's valid reasons someone can't do something based on their disability and restrictions and abled people use those folks to make laws surrounding our rights as human beings.

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Rainbows in the night sky, peep the Big Dipper ✨

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Anime fans

BL lovers

Please please we've been waiting almost a decade for this continuation. Bring the movie back to life.

Y'all if Mappa can afford JJK they owe it to all the fans to finish Yuri On Ice, if not someone else should take over 💞

We were born to make history 🎵

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

I've had not one but two abdominal surgeries.

Two separate times I had organs removed.

10 total weeks of recovery.

And my PCOS pain is worse than all that combined. I can't sit up straight. I'm curled up in a ball taking Toradol every 6 hours because going to the ER won't change anything. I want these monstrous and useless organs out of my body. I wanna lay down without extra cries because more than one part of my faulty body is experiencing uncontrollable pain.

Rip. Out. My. Uterus. Feel free to take the ovaries too I don't need them 💀

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Sleeping with a weapon under my pillow isn't new.

It's even something that provided me comfort in the past. But the reasoning behind why actually scares me. I've feared for my life before, but the reality is setting in that I actually have to sleep with a knife on me and loaded gun under my pillow.

I'm so tired of fear and people who have no problem making threats however empty they may or not be. I have to be prepared to defend myself inside my own residence with my furbabies.

[no-demons-in-wonderland]

Okay this. If you hear "I love your hair/dress/shoes/bag/etc" it's genuine cause who is gonna waste their energy giving a "drive by compliment" they don't mean.

Kudos if you get a chipper response my personal favorite is "thanks it's thrifted" or a genuine excitement when I'm told where they bought it.

i saw a post on twitter by a european saying americans are fake for their random compliments to strangers and their general cheery demeanor and like no. no no no you don’t understand. if you get a random compliment from an american on the street about your outfit or whatever, that is 100% genuine. we mean it. we aren’t lying we are making a small but fleeting connection with you because our lives are shitty but the human condition is enduring. oh god i’m clutching my chest