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“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

— Oscar Wilde

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what if they are not warning me about who you were or who you are

what if they are warning me about who you will be

i don't know you

but they do.

i didn't let that stop me from knowing you though.

i'm liking what i know about you right now.

you're kind, selfless, considerate.

you're perfect.

but i dont know who you were.

and i know it's insignificant.

but we can't deny the fact that the past contributes to who we are in the present.

your past, no matter how insignificant it may be, is still a part of you.

and that part is strangely the one thing i do not know among everything you've introduced me to.

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i've never had a fascination for the stars,

there are too many of them,

they're all the same white dots.

but when i saw how your eyes twinkled and sparkled when you looked for people in the sky,

i saw the real beauty of the stars in them.

from then on, the only stars i love looking at are the ones i see in your eyes.

the light of the night bounces around your blue eyes, creating an ocean of galaxies that i will pray to drown in;

the light of the night bounces around your blue eyes, and i see in them a world, a life, a future.

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No, I don’t care that you’re messy and loud and sometimes annoying. I love you anyhow. Come over tonight. I will cook for you in the kitchen—it’s green tiles and the sun that peaks in through the windows. Come as you are. Leave your hair messy and your skin blank and your body cloaked in plain clothing. I find you most beautiful in that state—natural, beating, tender, alive. I will make us soup in my cleanest pot. It will be steaming and hot, but not too hot that it burns. I will love you enough for it to always keep you warm, but never in such a way that it hurts.

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whats it like to lock your fingers with someone you love

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i wonder what he thinks of me now. does he still think the same as 8 months ago or the first few weeks of us getting to know each other? is his perception of me still the same? am i a completely new person to him now?

he's probably sick and tired of my inconsistency—or just me in general.

can't say the same for me though. i don't think i'll ever get used to him.

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i never got better and i never will (married to the void)

i never let go of the sadness — of the black void. it's with me still. and i think it will forever be with me.

i've grown attached to it. peculiarly, it gives me comfort.

i've been in the void for far too long that the thought of nothing but darkness is comforting to me now. it gives me solitude.

the guaranteed peace is calming.

i say "guaranteed peace" because in the void, there is nothing. literally. no anything at all.

no pain, no hurt, no fear — just darkness.

and yes, of course, because of the "nothingness" of the void, i have grown numb. unhealthily numb. but that's a good thing — for me who is afraid of emotional (emotional because unfortunately the void does not exist to sooth us physically) pain and trauma — because then i am somewhat protected.

with the absence of emotion, i can't feel pain. it's amazing. helpful and amazing.

for most people, the connection between depression and the void is exactly what i revel in: the absence of emotion, the nothingness.

people who are void (hah see what i did there?) of emotions are those that are often called depressed. and yes, in most cases (in all cases), that is true. i can vouch for that because i was once in that case — not feeling anything other than sadness, alone in the void together with sorrow.

but the reason why i say "i never got better" is because i never got out of the void. i am still defined as someone who is "void of emotion".

what makes me different is that i have accepted the void. hugged it, embraced it, married it, lived with it in a tiny cottage home that always smells of freshly baked pie, and soon, i am to die with it. point is, the void is tied to me with a ring and a vow like how wedded couples are.

and because i have accepted it, i have had the opportunity to understand it, get to know it, and essentially use it to my benefit. hence the "comforting and protective numbness".

the people who are still labeled as "depressed" and claim that they are spiraling into insanity in the void have either never accepted the comfort that the void offers or never got out of it to be really, truly better — to feel emotions again and be "healthy".

but, as evil as this makes me, i wish that people would never figure out how to accept the void. i am the void's wife, we are wed. the void can only give ME comfort. anyone else can get out and up their asses and fix their lives.

i'm happy being alone with the void. that's why i never got better and i never will.

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““It is madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn.” Antoine de Saint-Exupére”

—

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Rita Dove, from “Canary”, Grace Notes

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The climber 

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void

there's something so peaceful about the thought of floating in nothingness—blackness all around and you can't see anything. you're just there.

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i love you so much it hurts

pain is the only other emotion with an intensity strong enough to be comparable to the love i feel for you.

i'd better peel the skin from your bones or have your limbs tied to horses than express it with words.

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"why are people who do cool things always so weird"

i have a startling truth to keep from you... about the relationship between cool and weird

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Death on the Pale Horse (Gustave Doré)

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the idea that your friends won't like you if you're too weird is wrong for example one time I told a friend whenever I was losing my mind I laid down on the floor under my desk and stared at it until I was better and next time she visited me she taped a bag of salami snacks to the underside of my desk with a message saying "going insane all by yourself, handsome?" which I only saw months later when I had a breakdown. that's friendship.

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Jeffrey Eugenides, from Middlesex