nightdreamdaymare

[nightdreamdaymare]

Love is

Love is doing the right thing for you, even when it hurts. Love is setting boundaries. Love is existing in the silence of a crowded room. Love is facing the night to wake up into dawn. Love is reaching within and tugging at the parts that hurt. Love is meeting people where they're at, instead of where you think they should be. Love is making space for change, with an open mind. Love is choosing to live. Love is choosing the hurt because it was worth it. Love is discovering self worth, because you were the one worth leaving. Love is picking up every shattered piece and making yourself whole again. Love is honoring the lessons you've learnt and the people that have taught them to you. Love is allowing yourself the grace to feel. Love is allowing yourself the space to heal. Love is holding yourself accountable. Love is transforming. I love you

[nightdreamdaymare]

12/18/2020

Break my soul in two 

Looking for you but you're right here 

>> Looking for you in every partner I’ve had since you, wanting your love and affection from others who can’t/wont give it to me, because they’re not you. Feeling as if no one has ever really “seen” me. Feeling like I’m always in two places at once. 

If I can't relate to you anymore

Then who am I related to?

>> Knowing you is a knowing deeper than I’ve experienced with anyone else, it is beautiful and dangerous what I become with and without you.

And if this is the long haul

How'd we get here so soon?

>> seven years, too long and too soon, so much has happened over the years. 

Did I close my fist around something delicate?

Did I shatter you?

>> I know she’s probably saying this out of spite, but for me it’s an honest statement of something I omitted for a long time, at least in the beginning years. 

And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?

>> Reminds me of plastic cups of wine in the sand, or up on the rooftop looking at the moon, or the sidewalk under the light, and when I’ve gone to my ocean I think about us during in-between times, wondering what you’re doing and if you’re happy. 

The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go

>> The dog days of Blue Rock, and Studio Sharise, and the late night karaoke. 

Sorry for not making you my centerfold

Over and over

>> This is a nod to acknowledging not making you my priority when I should have, not choosing you when I should have, and the hurt that I’ve caused you while being with others, and through the years. 

Lost again with no surprises

Disappointments, close your eyes

And it gets colder and colder

When the sun goes down

>> Sunsets render only to sunrise- making the same mistakes over and over again, being disappointed and wondering why things with others didn’t work out and it’s never really a surprise. As long as we are in each others lives, we have unfinished business that we need to work through and settle. 

The question pounds my head

"What's a lifetime of achievement?”

>> I’m always worried about the future, and security, because I’ve never had it. And even when I realized I was with someone that did have the money, or the sense of security or knowing someone wouldn’t abandon me it never mattered at the end of the day, because they couldn’t nurture me in the ways I need, the way that you not only understand me at my core, but love and support and nurture the good, and recognize and accept my downfalls. Living in a big house isn’t worth it if it’s empty. 

If I pushed you to the edge

But you were too polite to leave me

>>You have always had the right to walk away and never look back, I am undeserving of the time you have given me. 

And do you miss the rogue

Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there?

>> This reminds me of our early days, it was heavy and velvet, we loved each other and hurt each other too much.

Will you forgive my soul

When you're…

Over and over

Lost again with no surprises

Disappointments, close your eyes

And it gets colder and colder

When the sun goes down

>> This is a nod to the past two years, not fully learning lessons and making decisions that literally almost killed me.

Were you waiting at our old spot

In the tree line by the gold clock

Did I leave you hanging every single day?

Were you standing in the hallway

With a big cake, happy birthday

Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest gray?

A universe away

>> “Falling and missing, you” When we’ve showed up in each others lives time after time, although with no malintent we have brought chaos into each others lives and hurt not only each other but our other partners. 

And when I got into the accident

The sight that flashed before me was your face

But when I walked up to the podium

I think that I forgot to say your name

>> Knowing in my heart, time after time that it’s always been you, but when faced with a choice, remaining silent every time. “again, you with just enough wine, to stand at the precipice, with just enough, to stand there.”

I'm on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go?

The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go

Sorry for not making you my centerfold

Over and over

Lost again with no surprises

Disappointments, close your eyes

And it gets colder and colder

When the sun goes down

When the sun goes down

The sight that flashed before me was your face

When the sun goes down

But I think that I forgot to say your name

Over and over

Sorry for not making you my

Making you my

Making you my centerfold

>> To fall, one must jump, and I’ve always had one foot cemented in the ground. 

[nightdreamdaymare]

October 2, 2022

I send this to you now, though, because I feel like it is important to honor my words. 

Clothes hampers

Recycling containers

Shoe rack and clothes hangers

Waste baskets

Kitchen mat

Sink organizers

Dresser space 

Pot and pan storage

Bowl storage

Refrigerator storage

Baskets

Baskets

Baskets

These are some of the things I have brought to the house to accompany us since we have moved in. It went from not cleaning at all and settling in to trying to make a schedule. Changing the schedule. Changing the duties. Splitting the rooms. Writing down exactly what needed to be done in each room. 

You had a job and an opposite schedule. 

We needed to unpack. 

We needed to organize.

You had a different job.

You had to settle into the new routine. 

You were too tired. 

You were emotionally drained. 

You forgot. 

We weren’t home. 

We were busy. 

You lost your job. 

You were busy. 

You got a new job. 

You are adjusting to the commute. 

You are adjusting to the schedule. 

You are adjusting to the work demands. 

You. 

You. 

You.

 You were going through all of these things but have continued to neglect the house and therefore me. 

I accommodated. 

I asked. 

I got mad. 

I cleaned. 

I cleaned. 

I cleaned. 

I was patient. I was forgiving. I forgot. 

I looked for more ways to gently remind you or ask to do what I needed you to do. You half cleaned. You picked up if someone came over. You finally cleaned when Debbie came over and showed me the greatest disrespect that you would do it for her and not me. That hurt more than I would like to admit. This is not a partnership. This is filth. The house is filthy. You have not once cleaned up after yourself and I refuse to live like this. I would NEVER. EVER. Allow myself to live in this environment with a roommate so why the fuck am I letting myself do it with you. I am no longer asking. This is a demand. I cannot and will not be in a relationship with someone who cannot give me the respect enough for the bare minimum that I am asking. I don’t want any more apologies. I don’t want anymore “I’ll do it on my day off” “I’ll do it tomorrow” because it turns into “I was going to” “I was so tired” “ I forgot” 

I am done. 

I am no longer accepting words. 

I need action. 

I am at the point where I don’t want to be physical with you or be around you because I am clouded in anger and resentment. I have tried to look at every angle and work with you and figure out what works for you. I told you I wasn’t going to demand you do something on my schedule, but you have failed to show me that you are capable of doing it on your own. 

Am I not physically tired? Am I not emotionally exhausted from work? Am I not tired of my commute? Do I not have events and weekends away? Am I not worthy of having a day where I don’t have to clean up? AM I worthy of a day where I don’t have to clean up after someone? Do I not complete my chores before I leave? Or communicate that I need to finish something and when it will get done? 

I do not thank you nor do I want thanks if I clean because this is a duty that must be done. It is not something I enjoy doing or do out of love. 

It is part of being an adult. It’s not fun. No one can honestly sit there and say they enjoy cleaning. I certainly do not enjoy cleaning all day at work and coming home and having to clean. I am so fucking tired of cleaning up after everyone in my life. I am done. 

This is no longer a viable space for me to thrive in. I am not accepting this for myself. 

I need you to hear me as I am not screaming at you in person but let these words sink in because I mean them. This is a dangerous place for me.

This is my final attempt in demanding you to come to the table with a solution.

I am no longer asking.   

In addition: 

You asked if you had made progress, and I do see it, though I told you I needed consistency. I will be mindful and remind myself that you are trying, and I do recognize this. I am clouded by history and anger from this past year-  I will work on this on my end. 

As you have now said from our last discussion/argument that my methods or suggestions don’t work for you, I need you to figure out what does and let me know. I need to know what this looks like so I can know my place. That way we can move forward from this. I have some other ideas though I will wait for your response and we can go from there. 

Love you. 

[nightdreamdaymare]

Let’s monitor our swings

I got home from work with energy, 

Planned to clean the kitchen, or play piano or clean my room or work on finalizing the other songs I have 

laid in bed

thought about calling the laptop repair guys, thought a bout how my space feels clausterpobic, thought about moving, thought about living with other people, thought about my job, thought about going back to school so I can make more money and have the things I want and be able to live somewhere. back to my room not being clean, feeling overwhelmed, thinking about what to have in an apartment that I can’t afford by myself while making the money I make is ridiculous, maybe I don’t deserve the things I want right now because I don’t make enough money, so how do I figure out how to let go of want. I shouldn’t be wanting anything, isn’t what I have enough, guilt. MY room maybe could use more space, if I move my piano maybe I’ll have room to breathe. Maybe I should take out the dresser I have. My brother gave me the dresser I can’t get rid of it. What about when my brother moves where will I be, what will happen to me. Guilt for not being productive for the past 3 hours. Now I’m feeling down 

[nightdreamdaymare]

The five card spread

The tower

Ace of pentacles 

Center- father of swords

Wheel of fortune

Father of wands

6- nine of pentacles

[nightdreamdaymare]

July 22 - Learning to trust

You grew up without a sense of stability or security. 

The universe showed you not to trust it, so you became manipulative and controlling to provide a sense of security and stability.

you didn’t trust that security or stability, so you became manipulative and controlling in an attempt to hold onto whatever security or stability you had at any cost.

You are then so afraid to lose that control, you self sabotage the sense of security or stability because at least you were in control. 

You then continue the cycle of the self fulfilling prophecy of not being able to be trusted by others, the universe, or yourself and thus you do not trust others, the universe or yourself.

Thus the cycle begins again. 

Interesting the things we learn, when we look at common themes. I am not sure what’s most deep down inside of me, I only have a small candle to light the way through the caverns of my being. 

[nightdreamdaymare]

Control burn : Day 2

I wanted to leave the house and instead let fear get the best of me, I almost spent $300 on an air B&B just to get out of here. I may still drive south towards the coast if I feel like it. 

Tomorrow I’ll actually get out of the house with no expectations and take a drive up 1. There is a place I have in mind, but if it’s inaccessible then so be it and I’ll just keep driving through to SF. 

I came across the idea of Twin Flames, and the difference between that and a soul mate. I’ve been doing some research. 

I reconnected with diving back into my codependency therapy, and still trying to recognize if I’m being codependent in relationships I currently have. It’s a fine line because part of it includes having expectations of behavior that I don’t see reciprocated, and then I think.. well shit. If I just have no expectations then I’d be happier. And also, are the things I’m expecting a codependent tendency that maybe isn’t healthy to want in the first place. 

I know I’m past the point of losing myself in a relationship, I ran too hard the other way the past couple years and became selfish. Though to some extent, it’s still hard for me to break out of that completely, because I will mirror the other person and their hobbies. I still have my own, though, which I find hard to share, because I am fearful of not being understood/accepted. 

Being an individual in a relationship is important, though I also think it’s important to find balance between that and the relationship itself. 

I’m finding that for every question I think I have an answer to I end up finding something else that tells me I might be wrong. I just want a partner.  I’m so tired. 

Today is chaotic in my mind. 

[nightdreamdaymare]

Control Burn:Day 1

Turn off your phone, computer. 

no matter what there is no emergency in which you are the only answer. 

If someone needs help they can find it elsewhere or within, you are relieved. 

It doesn't matter what you do with that time. What matters is what you don’t do. You’re not beholden to anyone else. Not even your Ideal Self. 

NO LISTS. No things you feel you should accomplish during this time. Your only priority is your immediate self, and what you want in that moment. 

If you do nothing at all for a week, that’s fine. Time spent given your body and mind rest is not time wasted. 

Relieve yourself of the guilt for non-accomplishment beforehand. Go in with the expectation that nothing will get done in that time. 

No Obligations. No room for failure. If you end up doing it, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s fine. If you start and don’t finish that’s fine. [That impulse is you trying to sabotage yourself. Quash it right now.] 

Don’t even allow expectations. 

- Damnit That’s a list. So already this morning I immediately went to check my email and work phone, put it down after reading a work text, I did respond because I did have to give some small direction. Tried to make a list, actually like 3 times this morning. Maybe I should take a count of how many lists I end up trying to write. Is that a list of lists? Already this morning there was a small fire at work, I don’t feel responsible, but I am letting go of control and trusting everyone to take care of each other and themselves accordingly. 

I’m happy to write into my quiet Tumblr void where no one knows of my other account. 

[nightdreamdaymare]

Letters to lovers

It’s shitty that I have to apologize to you again, but I am sorry. Something within me flipped and I couldn’t even stop myself.

I feel like I should explain some things.

When we broke up I was under the notion that we still loved and cared for each other. I had it in my head that we would work on ourselves as individuals and after a few months we would re-evaluate where we were and how we felt. It was logical in my mind for us to separate. Maybe we would continue as friends, maybe we would continue as acquaintances, maybe we would continue as lovers brought back together. I never believed it was truly over. It didn’t feel over.

When I found out what you did I lost all sense of what was real. How could you keep telling me you loved me and then sleep with someone else? And so soon? You didn’t even wait. Maybe you didn’t want to. I don’t know. I still don’t know. But it made me question my very existence in your life and if what we had ever really mattered. This was the begging of the end for me. Since then I have become filled with such rage and it’s grown increasingly hard to control and manage while trying to deal with all the other emotions on top of it.

I was still under the impression that maybe we still had a chance for something positive between us, no matter how slim. I don’t want to feel like I hate you, I don’t want to be this angry. Joe and Pam kept telling me to just ask you to coffee or something, so we could sit down and talk face to face instead of over text message. It took me almost a week to gather up the courage to even open that door.  So I wrote some bullshit on a card and went to leave it on your car, but you weren't at work. I got freaked out. I got worried. You still didn’t reply. But I still had their voice in my head feeding me bullshit that maybe it was worth a shot. So it took me another day to finally extend that invitation. The worst thing you could have said is no and I was okay with that. Except that you did something much worse. You ignored it. Two days I sat in my head over analyzing everything. I looked like such a fucking idiot but they had me believing I still had a chance. Finally Monday I caved and texted you again. I shouldn't have. If it was really something you wanted you had every opportunity to say so. Yet you still said yes- Which confused me even more. I’m still confused. Everything you’ve said doesn't coincide with what you’ve done. It’s tearing me apart. It still tears me apart.

So now we fast forward to the new year. I’ve been sitting on the edge for a long time. It made me sick to think about where you were or who you were with. I knew there wasn’t going to be a happy new years text from you. I was terrified of 2018, because It meant I had to leave you and us and our relationship behind. I wasn’t ready. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I know Niki said that it didn’t seem like I was bothered while moving, but if you only knew of the breakdowns, nightmares and sleepless nights I had that evening after I went to my moms house and every night after that and for the months it’s been since then you would understand what it meant to me. What it still means to me.

So yes, I look like a complete lunatic every time I text you. I’ve never been so angry in my whole life, and it’s something I haven't been able to cope with yet. I am trying, but I realized I’m not trying hard enough. I wanted to text you this apology but obviously it became way too long. I know I was never good at opening up, so here I am. Deep down I do want good things for you, it’s just because I love you still that I am so angry. And I am sorry, I’m so sorry.

[nightdreamdaymare]

:meditation:

I tried meditating today. I love the leaves on the trees. i of the rain i love this weather. i love fall and the amber that comes burning from the sky. 

im worried about the future. but what. i am a chameleon and i have to shed my skin. i have no self confidence, i have low self worth. i am always a yes man and instead of having a relationship with myself i have one with everyone else. 

maybe thats why I ‘m never satisfied. why i feel theres always something missing. because i stopped listening to my thoughts wants and needs a long time ago. i let everyone else define me, and i am now at a pivotal point in my life. not quite thirty but its so close i can touch it. 

i used to write novels about my thoughts and feelings, and i could uncover why i felt a certain way. and now i have been feeling so lost and numb. dangerously so. so why. what patterns am i swinging around again. i have embedded myself into work and when it used to be a stress it was manageable, 

guilt. 

i feel guilty for giselle being let go. I don’t feel like i did enough. unless i physically held her hand i don't think her personality would change. this isn't a job she wanted. i didn't even get to interview her. i can’t remember. but the fact of the matter is i made a decision. a business decision. and the road is scary and its very new and I’m going to have to wing it and I am unsure if I’m going to be emotionally supported through this time. theres a lot of extra work i feel li have to do to develop myself and make the team want to be there. and maybe its passion. maybe i need to put myself in their shoes more often than not. 

i need to find some self confidence, and not be so worried about what everyone thinks of me. they're going to hate me regardless when she goes and its just a fate i need to accept. 

I need to look at why this happened; i need to make clear expectations and followthrough. i can’t complain if I'm not doing anything about it. this is going to be a rough road these next two weeks but i have to trust that I'm making the right decisions. i know how things should be run. everything will work out okay if i give them the proper tools. 

its so much easier said than done 

[nightdreamdaymare]

To wish

I wished to make it through this year.

[nightdreamdaymare]

It's been a long time since ive felt my heart, I don't know where this pressure is coming from It's been a long time since ive felt my heart beet and i dont know where its coming from im like a spiderweb, a black widow beautiful but poison underneath they all want to catch the beauty but they all end up my meat It's been a long time since ive seen my face its always cloudy and torn up underneath broken pieces of the girl I used to be she comes out sometimes, screaming this is the song i wish i never have to write - again. but im lost in my mind im drowning at sea and i hope itd be you the boy from before the one who outstretched your hand so easy but I am flawed I am flawed. I can't keep up with my own facade some times id hope that id be saved from my own disfunction like a short circuit of light but i guess its just not my time It's been a long time since ive felt your smile and its been longer since you've seen a real one of mine and i cry, every night that i lay and I'm motionless again thought i was better but these panic attacks keep haunting me in my dreams and I'm a runaway and my families seen it theres a cigarette for every hour of the day It's been a long time since i was okay maybe 5 years or 6 years, today and i wish i could show you the heart that I had the world was beautiful in my head It's been a long time since ive felt my heart where is all this pressure coming from It's been a long time since ive seen my face it's always cloudy and drenched with the rain It's been a long time since ive been okay so I write to keep my daemons at bay.

[nightdreamdaymare]

Letters to lovers.

My Love, This has been the hardest month of our time together. So much has happened, we both said and did things that we didn't mean. I want to start off by saying that I love you. I love being with you. I love our loud and quiet moments, our good and bad. I know you've had tremendous stress put upon you, and while you have your moments and I have mine it's never been a thought in my mind to go our separate ways. I want to see you grow. I want to see you succeed. I want to see you happy, and healthy. I want to stand by your side and be the one that soothes your pain, the shoulder you cry on. The one you trust with anything and everything. I want to lift you up and let your spirit fly free. I want to break you of your inhibitions. I want you to understand your emotions, and where they come from. That's why I always stress on self reflection. It's not running away, it's taking a deep look inside at the root of the problem. I want you to learn that it's okay to change your mind, and voice your opinion, it's okay to take back your words; because you can't take back actions. Actions are heavy, words are just sound with emotion behind it. I came to some great realizations about myself while we were apart, and I am happy with what I have found. I hope that you were able to think about things as well. I know I don't express my love for you in the way you wish, or sometimes it's hard to see it; but I do. I love you. I don't know what I would do without you, who I would be without you. I still have a long way to go, yes. And I beg you please, have faith in me. Have faith in us. We both have such exquisite potential. We both have what the other lacks. Lets use this to our advantage, lets grow together - face the world - because it's only you and me. I love you. I will continue to love you, for all of my days and then some. I said I'd never let you go, and I never did.

[nightdreamdaymare]

What was I trying to accomplish today?

I left last night. I didn't really think about much, I'm so tired. Do I want to be with you? Yes. Do I need you to respect me? Yes. where am I emotionally? I'm not sure. I feel a bit more empty today...lately. How do I feel about what happened? I feel like I've been emotionally abused. I feel like you're nothing but the same as the rest of them. Maybe you take my forgiveness and you squeeze it like an orange until I have nothing left. You leave and you leave, you come back and come back again. I don't need to leave to get my point across. And I won't beg you to stay. I won't chase after you. Not like I did once before for someone else. Am I not emotional enough for you? Do I not express it enough for you? What are my fears? My fears include you not being able to protect me. You not being strong enough. You not having the street smarts to compliment mine. Yet I know this comes with time. I know. I don't want to be the one wearing the pants in the relationship. I shouldn't have to be the driving force for everything. I shouldn't have to be the one motivating you as well as myself. You say you want me to talk to you, open and honest like I have others. But I'm afraid that you don't understand me. I'm afraid that you can't relate to my heart felt lyrics and therefor you don't appreciate it like I do. Maybe that's where a lot of our problems arise. I feel like we aren't on the same page intellectually. And that scares me. A lot of our arguments are smashed up against a misunderstanding from either you or I. And there are times you say things and with the context it's placed you literally set it up for looking like something horrible; because I've always had the later I default to it hurting me, or I find it petty, or see it as childish. I don't want to live like this. I feel strange today. So strange.

[nightdreamdaymare]

Does it hurt the same or do you feel no pain, brush it off your shoulder when you call his name in the middle of the night? can you here them whisper? I remember when we used to sit and talk along the skyline there was only you and me there was nothing they could say to get in our way and look at who we've become now broken fists and bleeding mirrors all along the road with tire tracks up and down my face broken hearts collecting in the yard you told me we'd be fine. but love, love doesn't stay where the wind doesn't blow where the rain doesn't rain and love, love is letting go of everything you've been holding on to and I know it hurts because I've seen that sky before I just want to feel like I'm a little more alive than yesterday because the sun keeps on shining.

[nightdreamdaymare]

I think we’re both the moon.. Deep cracks but in our brightest moment we are truly resilient for all to see, we just need the clouds to part and the city to be quiet beneath us.

-Glitter of life (via holdemhigh)