nientary-1832

[nientary-1832]

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”

On February 16th spiteful old rat Putin killed my hero Alexei Navalny.

It’s been 10 days, and acceptance won’t seem to come. I’m still switching from crushed to bloodthirsty to dissociating to bawling my eyes out.

Alexei was hope. Hope for change, peace and freedom. For a future where our own country would treat us as citizens, not mud under gestapo boots.

He was also a wonderful human being: loving and funny, unyielding and untiring, headstrong and absolutely fearless. Against him Putin’s dogs were no more than rats fighting a Greek mythology hero. The million fingered fascist machine was not able to break him or even wipe the smile off his face. This is why he was murdered.

I don't know how to live with this hole in my chest. This feels like the second end of the world, at least the world I knew and wanted to be in. This one’s going to hell at full speed, and no one’s even trying to fix it.

The western leaders are either malicious or impotent or out of touch. Can’t you see what’s happening? Can’t you see the pure flaunting evil in front of you? Can’t you feel what’s coming next? Don’t you remember history? Do you think evil stops spreading once it’s sated?

There’s only one way to stop it: FUCKING. HELP. UKRAINE. NOW. With weapons, not words. Are you afraid of rats? Are you waiting for them to grow?

I see so many people on Twitter calling Russians “genetic slaves”, poking fun at our fear and helplessness. I will admit, I am a coward. I’m not Navalny. Yet here I am, saying things I might very well get jailed for and, honestly, feeling slightly less pathetic than the US government, paralyzed by assholes on Putin’s payroll.

P.S. I don’t hate real rats.

[nientary-1832]

"The light was not hot, but it was terribly penetrating. I fell into it and became it. It seemed to come from inside my eyes themselves. There was no avoiding it. It was light that seared but did not illuminate. I could see nothing. It was unbearably bright, and then suddenly, the brilliance increased. I screamed, my whole body screamed with the force of the light surging through me. I was a broken limb jerked straight, a dammed river released, snarled hair roughly combed. Rightness tore through me. The cure was worse than the malady. My heart stopped. Voices cried out in dismay. Then my heart slammed into motion again. Air scorched into my lungs.

I passed through an instant of wild wakefulness in which I saw all, knew all, felt all. […] And the Fool, the Fool was gold gleaming and joy and a flight of jeweled dragons across a pure blue sky". 

Um… hi. I haven’t been productive this year, as you might or might not have noticed. It was pretty much one big art block from beginning to end. I was still able to draw lots of sketches and studies but every attempt at something more creative made me feel miserable. Thing is, I don't like what I see so I make myself redraw the same stuff over and over and over and over until all joy and creativity are sucked out of my existence (and the result still looks off). Perfect recipe for burnout.

So this is the first thing I’ve finished this year 🤡 Not really finished, more like finally gave up on it. At least now I get to start something new, so there’s that.

Btw, I had still wanted to do Winterfest despite all that because external deadlines actually tend to help me. But I missed the sign-ups, so 🤡 oh well 🤡 not this time 🤡

[nientary-1832]

So this was the worst year of my life and I’m not even sorry for not being productive in terms of finished works. But still, it was quite eventful art-wise.

I continued to draw every day (actually, I haven't missed a single day since April 2019). I mostly made quick sketches and I think they became more dynamic, though it doesn’t necessarily show in my rendered pieces.

I tried my hand in political art. Normally my art doesn’t have a MeAnInG or a MeSsAGe, it’s just a way of expressing my love for whatever I draw. So this is new, though I wish I’d never had to do this. Not sure my leaflets did any good, but at least I had somewhere to pour my anger and despair.

I worked in traditional medium more than I ever did since childhood. I think I lasted full 2,5 months without touching my tablet. I’m still not comfortable drawing people traditionally and I fix them quite a lot before posting online. But there are nice perks, especially for more abstract art. For example, it’s super satisfying to make textures with palette knives!

I started making jewelry with epoxy resin, wood, flowers and basically anything I can get my hands on. I have a swarm of ideas and works in progress. Here are my favorite future pendants. I have a vague ambition of somehow making a living out of this. It seems slightly more realistic than becoming a popular artist with patreon and commissions. At least there’s no AI coughing up free jewelry 🤪

I tried fluid art, which I’d never even heard of before. And I realized there are so many kinds of art to try out / to master! I want it all. I want to make sculptures, jewelry, pottery, soap and candles, to carve, model, mold, decoupage, weld metals, paint with everything that paints, you name it. This is why I’m not crawling to the cemetery, even though my future looks like Gulag. Art is awesome and makes me wanna live 😭❤😭❤

[nientary-1832]

My second New Year with @winterfest-gift-exchange! This is one of my favorite scenes from "Assassin's fate": Fitz and Beloved (and Bee) get a moment of peace and happiness between rounds of drama ❤

[nientary-1832]

Just a lil portrait of my girl Rhaenyra. Tbh, I dread the actress replacement cause Milly Alcock is slaying it! 🔥

[nientary-1832]

Fitz & the Fool, something about trauma and keeping a grip on oneself.

[nientary-1832]

Hello from Mordor! Let me show you some anti-war leaflets I’ve painted.

“Motherland is asking to stop” (an allusion to the soviet poster “Motherland is calling”)

“Don’t / please / I want to live / Please / Please”

Yeah… I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.

Stephen King is right, you know. Putin must be killed before he pushes the button. Looks like no one’s taking him seriously anymore, but remember: that piece of shit ALWAYS chooses the worst option. God, I hope CIA is working with his inner circle….

“Can’t say “war”? / OK / This is not a war / This is terror”.

Banditry, terrorism, genocide. Honestly, they’re gonna regret banning "war".  

The other two leaflets are based on my favorite song of the moment, called “This will pass”. It became sort of an anti-Putin hymn, almost as hopeful as it is angry.

"A wet plastic bag on her head, / electric marks on her hand, / my Russia is behind bars, but believe me: / this will pass!"

"All will pass, everything passes sometime / There will be a year, a day, an instant / Yesterday’s dictator will lie alone in the morgue, / now just a dead old man"

[the tag: V. V. Putin]

Leaflets are hardly an efficient tool for changing your opponents’ minds but they are perfect for supporting your allies. There’s a special brand of Kremlin propaganda for those who don’t buy the basic nonsense about nazis in Ukraine or NATO threatening Russia. The message is this: “80% of Russians support Putin and the “special operation”. If you disagree, you are alone. A misfit, an outcast, an oddity”. They keep waving some dubious polls in our faces and plastering cities with ZZZwastikas. And it’s working. I feel like this is Putin’s only success in this whole endeavor. He’s convinced most people in and out of Russia that Russians actually want this war, despite the numerous signs to the contrary (like the violent aggression towards Z-billboards and Z-cars, mysterious fires and derailments all over the country, etc). This narrative is very comfortable for him and hugely demoralizing for us, so fighting it and showing we are everywhere is actually important. Must be encouraging to come out of your building in the morning to the promise of Putin’s impending doom. I hope it helps a little. I’m not brave enough to burn police buses yet. My jokerization is progressing quickly, though, so who knows.

P. S. I’m awful at traditional art, so there’s some massive digital cheating happening here and there. The paper versions I actually pasted in the streets are not that pretty.

[nientary-1832]

No more fanart for now, just some anti-war leaflets. I don’t have a printer and going to a copy center would be dangerous, so I have to make them with my own hands (alas, leaving my fingerprints everywhere). I’m pretty sure I was followed by two cars while pasting them up 🤪

(Attacked

Ukraine / Czechoslovakia and Poland

Under a pretext of protecting

Russians/Germans

Putin dishonours Russia)

(They bombed Kyiv

early in the morning when people were sleeping

Putin dishonours Russia

Patriots, don't stay silent)

(“We will go to heaven and they’ll just bite the dust”

© Putin V. V. about a nuclear war

Will you wait quietly?!

Come out)

Apparently this kind of art makes me a criminal. In Russia, where everyone is pompously lectured since kindergarten about the horrors of war and the sacrifice of our people during the World War II. My great-grandmother survived the siege of Leningrad. She was a doctor who saved many lives while being bombed and literally starving. Luckily, she died two years ago, so she doesn’t have to know about the new Hitler, born in the very same city she’d helped save.

Here’s the deal.

- Telling any uncomfortable truth about the war might get you 15 years in prison. We can’t even call it a war. They are literally telling us war is peace!

- Providing any help to Ukraine = 12 to 20 years (this is “high treason”).

- Participating in protests = up to 6 years in prison. To put that into perspective, beating your wife will just get you a fine.

- The government has already threatened to reinstall the death penalty.

- Many people detained for protesting are brutally beaten, girls are threatened by rape.

- Some of the last independent media have been destroyed this week.

- Yesterday cops were visiting homes to carry out searches and/or discourage people from taking part in today’s protests.

- Reportedly, children’s services threatened a family to take away their adopted child for signing an anti-war petition.

- People are expelled from universities and fired from their jobs for protesting or just speaking out against the war.

- Many people are leaving the country. Prices of the tickets have skyrocketed, so you have to be pretty well-off to afford them, and it feels like everyone with any power to do good is abandoning us.

- Personally, I wasn’t cautious and did something worth 20 years of prison. I have no money and nowhere to run.

- The whole country is officially cancelled. Some sanctions will help us bury this regime, but some others are cruel and counterproductive. For example, we’ll have no foreign medicines, so basically no decent medicines at all. This will hit people with disabilities, mental disorders and chronic diseases. Many will die. I’ve barely managed to find one pack of my antidepressant and it’s likely the last one in my life. Something’s wrong with my joints or probably nerves. Walking hurts. Whatever it is, I won’t get any help now.

- Why take away pet food? My cat needs special food because of renal insufficiency. He’ll probably die without it.

- Cutting us off from services like Paypal is affecting creators, some of the most free-thinking people out here. Ironically, Paypal was the back-up that allowed many people to protest against the war despite the risk of being fined and/or losing their jobs.

What next? I dunno, anything might happen. By attacking Ukraine Putler has obviously made a fatal mistake and shot himself in the foot. It really feels like his end is close. The question is how long the agony will last and how many people he’ll take with him.

Tomorrow we could wake up in a free country or in North Korea. That is, if we wake up at all. All the civilized world apparently expects us to overthrow Putler, which might or might not happen. There are many people poisoned by years upon years of militaristic propaganda. Others are in denial, or too frightened, or burnt out to the point of being dead inside. You could put a stick up their asses and they’d be like: “This is fine, I’ll get used to it”. They are actually proud of their "flexibility" and "survival skills". I don’t know if they will come around when they have nothing to eat. Many of us young(ish) people are screaming ourselves hoarse to get through to our parents and it’s like talking at walls.

I wasn’t prepared for this reality where you have to be a hero to be a decent person, where you have to become a martyr or the whole world will shame and despise you. I just wanted to be an artist. I’m not asking for pity, though. I’m just asking you, whoever reads this, not to dehumanize us. I actually cried from gratitude while listening to some of the European politicians who emphasized Putler is not Russia. He’s not. We are. I want you to know there are people in Russia who care about justice, freedom, human lives and rights. We will never forgive him.

Even if the protests stop, please don’t think we’re done, we’ll just find quieter ways of resistance and sabotage. All of our futures have been stolen, all of our dreams are dead and MURDERS are being commited in our names. That’s not something we can accept or patch with fandom stuff. Many of us are thinking about killing ourselves if Putler’s regime survives, but we will not – because we want to see him lose his money, his friends, his freedom and his life. I refuse to die while that botox rat lives. I will keep going. One day I'll sing and dance and piss on his grave.

Peace for Ukraine, freedom for Russia and Belarus, death for Putler.

[nientary-1832]

A sloppy study of Ophelia. I didn't try to copy every detail, the goal was to absorb the vibe for my own piece.

I've always admired the original painting but now it hits me differently. Looking at her face and trying to copy the expression, I've come to recognize the feeling behind that glassy gaze. It's been with me for 2 years now. The world is too much, everything is out of your control and there's no point moving a muscle even if you're drowning.

Nothing you value is safe anymore. You lose your freedom of movement because of the pandemic and your political freedoms because of an old megalomaniac rat clinging to power with his blood-soaked hands (guess the country, haha). You might lose your loved ones to COVID any day. You lose your sanity (not much to begin with) to hopelessness and anxiety and you know you might never get better. No pills can stop the virus or the everyday flood of news about a shameful war your country might start and the rampaging old clowns discussing what they are going to outlaw next (abortions? women rights in general? rainbows? fanfics?). And do you find comfort in the thought that no one can take away your art? Haha, WRONG. Turns out there is any number of diseases that can affect your ability to use your hands. [I've been plagued by weird pains in all of my limbs, so I'm being checked up by different doctors and this week I'll probably find out if I have arthritis].

So you feel desperate but also sort of numb because you just can't process all of this and this moment of being suspended up to your chin in the water is drawing on and on and on and on and there's no way out. You don't want to drown, but why do anything at all if external forces are going to squash all of your plans, efforts, dreams and progress anyway?

[nientary-1832]

THIS!!!!!!

All of this sleeping together, cuddling, carrying in arms, kissing, having a child together... in other fandoms that sort of thing only happens in fanfiction. The fact that some people seriously perceive them as bros blows my mind every time. H O W? HOW ON EARTH? Did we read the same books?

I once had someone write me an angry comment, something like "Robin Hobb was trying to explain why they were not *slur for gay* throughout 6 books, but your mind is deaf to anything higher than carnal love" 🤡🤡🤡 That was before F&F trilogy. Then it came out and fitzloved had a daughter 😂 A highly inadvisable maneuver if the goal was to dissuade shippers. Good job proving they are not gay, Robin Hobb 😂😂😂 And oh my god, don't even get me started on RH herself who used all of these tropes the way she did and somehow didn't expect fans to ship the characters. So baffling...

Btw, another thing about "bros". Fitz and Nighteyes call each other brothers all the time, but not Fitz and the Fool. I kinda expected that with some dread but it never happened, despite all of their closeness. Isn't that a clue? As well as calling each other Beloved instead!! I mean, RH could have given the Fool literally any other name if she didn't want the name exchange to read romantically, WTF....

I will never be able to see Fitz and the Fool as non-romantic the way straight people do :( It’s weird to think that they have as much problem with seeing them as romantic as I have seeing them as just bros.

[nientary-1832]

Happy Valentine's day to my favorite fandom! Fitz has sent you a very dramatic Valentine's card. In case you can't see shit in this chaos, it says "you hold my heart captive and you're not unattractive" 😁

The Fool loves you too, but there's no card because I've had 3 days of headaches this week 💩 Fitz's card sucks for the same reason. On the bright side, I've managed to call Fitz a bisexual catastrophe, just a catastrophe and an emoboy without actually calling him any of these 🤭

[nientary-1832]

So... This user has discovered AI Dungeon and had a fun horny chat about fitzloved. For those who don't know, it's an AI powered text game. You write something to start a story, it writes something back, and so on, and you can scrap any suggestions you don't like.

Anyway, some memes happened. First of all, my prompt was so thirsty that Fitz SNEAKED INTO THE FOOL'S BEDROOM in the very first sentence by AI 😂😂😂

Then Fitz woke the Fool up and things got awkward because he wasn't able to explain what he wanted. The Fool saw through him and told him a story about unfulfilled wishes. I like it almost unironically 😁 The dancing idea was mine as well as the blacksmith's rationalization but I wouldn't have come up with any it on my own.

Btw, I'd mentioned Smithy the dog a bit earlier and the AI figured it would be a great name for a blacksmith 😂 Smithy Smith, a blacksmith. Makes sense!

Anyway, Fitz didn't get the meaning, and the AI Fool actually reacted with the "you are not very smart" line 😂😂😂

And shortly after Fitz got surprised when he removed the Fool's pants 😂😂😂

Pair of what now 😂😂😂 Come on!!

P. S. I'm not sure I had to write in the second person, I just followed the example on the site.

[nientary-1832]

Two doggos unhappy about veterinary procedures: Fitz is deticking Nighteyes, both being snarky about it 😁

I finally got round to fixing some of my Inktober art. There were like maybe 5 ROTE-related entries that I'd posted on twitter but not here because they were terribly rushed and therefore looked like shit. Meanwhile some of the ideas are neat and deserve better so I'm not done with them.

The prompt for this one was "tick" but I somehow managed to make it pretty 😁

[nientary-1832]

This is my art for @winterfest-gift-exchange - a gift for the wonderful writer Gwenllian.

I was asked to do something cozy with winter vibes, so this is a happy post-canon where no one dies. Fitz, Beloved and Bee live together somewhere in the countryside. Fitz and Beloved finally become romantic partners. They are trying to keep their relationship private for now, but of course everyone knows. That includes Spark, Lant and Per who stay with them for Winterfest. In this particular scene the kids return after a walk and find something cute in the living room.

They are wearing ugly deer ponchos/capes because ugly sweaters would feel too modern 😁

Lant kinda looks like Hiddleston, which is an honest to god accident, not some shitty fancast 🤣 

I'm sooo glad I signed up despite my social anxiety going brrrr over the whole idea! This New year felt truly special and now I'm brimming with inspiration to do more ROTE stuff. ROTE fandom, you are the best ❤

[nientary-1832]

Now, I'm not a fan of book Rand, but show Rand is so pretty I find it impossible to be annoyed by anything he does 😅 And, of course, he's a delight to draw!

[nientary-1832]

My version of Nynaeve (probably the first and the last time I'm drawing her like this). Zoë Robins looks awesome in this role and I'm pretty sure she'll replace my own vision, so I had to capture it for history's sake 😁

[nientary-1832]

Just a little study of my girl ❤