nevermindtheblood

[nevermindtheblood]

i started getting really fucked up sxual impulses "out of nowhere." they fucking laid eggs in my skin with the expectations of rape and sedation and i thought i escaped being affected by any of it they hatched

[nevermindtheblood]

i know what i went through... i know deep within the recesses of my mind and with my whole body. i know how cold and alone and afraid i felt. i shouldnt have been alone. they shouldnt have kept me. no one talks to me about how i was kidnapped and part of me frets with preemptive shame at the possibilty we really did make a huge deal out of nothing. but no we fucking didn't. everyone just assumes im just as petty as my captors because they did bad things over completely superficial drama between themselves. but i had no idea what anyone was talking about any of the time and they fucking completely ignored me when i asked and brought up my concerns multiple times. they held me captive, they gave me pills, they kept me as high and as drunk as possible, they manipulated my alters individually and gaslighted my brain and body as a whole, they interrogated, endangered, abused, touched our littles, beat our adults, took sexual advantage of as many alters as possible. pushed our known schizophrenic + abandonment activated alters into front nearly on purpose and it wreaked havoc on our mental health. wore down our defenses until we didnt even say no once to them raping us to extremes. completely neglected AND took advantage of our support needs. i dont even remember what they did anymore or feel what i do. they were hot and cold with affection and attention, they made explicit displays of both affection and cruel hatred depending on what they thought about everyone and me that day. abused us in our sleep. they constantly threatened their own lives with explicit suicidal intent and mine with starvation and spiritual death and what it did to my mental + chronic illnesses. i had to take them to court over petty DRAMA. and then they made me their target and scapegoat because i went through with cutting myself off from them. i was publicly defamed and harrassed and STALKED to their families and friends and even LITERAL CELEBRITIES. and i was discouraged from confrontation so as to not escalate but my need to vindicate and redeem myself as their suvivor was never met. no one cared. because all of them were insufferable to even my extended circle and were abusers in their own "primary" relationships , it's completely taboo for me to say anything when it's been "this long." worst of all i sounded stupid back then because I was brainwashed multiple times over and was trying to be outspoken about my experience anyway. "everyone copes in different ways" until someone doesn't respond by trying to immediately forget and not talk about it. it still negatively touched my core and youre begging me to just shut up already?

this happened 3 years ago but it happened all fucking year long. i still feel it like it was yesterday. and people still forget.

i wanna figure out better ways to express it. but it takes too long. i despise taking up so many resources just to be understood. i am begging to be taken seriously and given even some of the grace and patience i extend to others.

[nevermindtheblood]

breaking up with the bitch i was groomed with was the fucking awesomest thing ive ever done for my health + life . but it is insane what a hole they still leave and i cant talk about it .

everyone i know is sick to DEATH of hearing about what happened almost 3 years ago but it still feels like it was fucking yesterday because i dont think anyone realized how much it's stuck inside my heart!!!! everyone just watched me run my mouth instead of just holding space for me so that maybe i would have to talk everyone to death about whatever immature thing happened.

like, i know no one can read my mind and i know i get my fill of people talking about the same things, so im not taking it personally.. but also, it just still feels like people should have reached out to me about what was happening or even TALKED to me like a PERSON who needed help, at any fucking point. even the ones i loved the most avoided it because it was too much to deal with on top of what was happening to them during the whole time period :/ what a year collectively

[nevermindtheblood]

ive had total apathy and general dysphoria lately. everyone and everything in my life feels like layers of cling wrap and i cant breathe despite the fact these things are peaceful and genuine. i cannot stay in my body long enough to ever feel like i belong on earth or in someone's arms.

also i skipped my night meds because i have moderate sedation for a procedure tomorrow morning and i get paranoid of interactions. ive now been up twitching itching and in pain and not tired ar all for two fucking hours and i ALREADY went to bed late. little pricks and needles all over my skin and it's sensory HELL. i have such bad stomach cramps and heartburn too that wont STOP. it hurts so bad.

my alarm is in five hours. fuck me. i guess ill play hexa sort and other phone games

[nevermindtheblood]

and by different i mean CHANGED ENTIRELY WRF IS ALL THIS SHIT I SEE OF WARNING PEOPLE OF "ACCELERATIONISM" WHEN THE STATE HAS BEEN ACCELERATING VIOLENCE TO FINAL STAGES ON MULTIPLE FRONYD

whenever i tell people my opinions about politics in the us they HAAATE it. i like can't speak on them anywhere because the propaganda makes everyone defensive. but anyway im kind of RELIEVED trump won. and peoplw think that means im rooting for all the awful shit he does and represents and their evangelical supporters? nah im relieved because voting while voting for trump is voting for an absurd demented racist and serial rapist, voting for kamala was a purposeful choice in favor of GENOCIDE disguised as personal freedoms, and liberals Literally cost jill stein the election to defend their own comfort while attacking leftists the whole time and as soon as their brat cop lost and started selling her contributors data to get out of DEBT, they turned around and adopted all the things the left has BEEN saying and putting into practice like "community care" "mutual aid" and "we're all we've got." yeah while kamala was literally serving in office and overseeing the escalation of multiple genocides, and in every year before it, we were already honing these things and trying to get you to stop bootlicking and join us. so i guess yall were listening the whole time and just didnt care because (you BELIEVED that) the results of the election would make it so the presidency continued to not personally affect YOU. meanwhile democrats started voting outside their party because people decided that idk killing millions of people with impunity from international law.. was a dealbreaker.

yeah so im RELIEVED trump won, because some of yall were about to get real fucking complacent. a kamala win wouldve meant that every single one of you would continue to tear your circle of families and loved ones into smaller and smaller pieces because you kept attacking radicals while the police state swallowed you up whole.

with trump in office, now everyone is finally united about SOMETHING, and now democrats suddenly have a problem with everything going on (again with kamala and joe still in office.) i actually have hope for the next 4 years for the first time. we're coming out of this one different.

[nevermindtheblood]

whenever i tell people my opinions about politics in the us they HAAATE it. i like can't speak on them anywhere because the propaganda makes everyone defensive. but anyway im kind of RELIEVED trump won. and peoplw think that means im rooting for all the awful shit he does and represents and their evangelical supporters? nah im relieved because voting while voting for trump is voting for an absurd demented racist and serial rapist, voting for kamala was a purposeful choice in favor of GENOCIDE disguised as personal freedoms, and liberals Literally cost jill stein the election to defend their own comfort while attacking leftists the whole time and as soon as their brat cop lost and started selling her contributors data to get out of DEBT, they turned around and adopted all the things the left has BEEN saying and putting into practice like "community care" "mutual aid" and "we're all we've got." yeah while kamala was literally serving in office and overseeing the escalation of multiple genocides, and in every year before it, we were already honing these things and trying to get you to stop bootlicking and join us. so i guess yall were listening the whole time and just didnt care because (you BELIEVED that) the results of the election would make it so the presidency continued to not personally affect YOU. meanwhile democrats started voting outside their party because people decided that idk killing millions of people with impunity from international law.. was a dealbreaker.

yeah so im RELIEVED trump won, because some of yall were about to get real fucking complacent. a kamala win wouldve meant that every single one of you would continue to tear your circle of families and loved ones into smaller and smaller pieces because you kept attacking radicals while the police state swallowed you up whole.

with trump in office, now everyone is finally united about SOMETHING, and now democrats suddenly have a problem with everything going on (again with kamala and joe still in office.) i actually have hope for the next 4 years for the first time. we're coming out of this one different.

[nevermindtheblood]

Wow! It's so awesome to go on the programmed system tag & similar and see that every fucking post is about how xyz isn't valid and this thing you don't like is your complete focus and discourse discourse discourse. Do you ever get tired of it? Are any of you ashamed of focusing on fear, blame, and hierarchies over and over again?

[nevermindtheblood]

Was paralyzed with fear anf grief for a few moments falling asleep last night thinking about my ex. I am trying to let go of our emotional ties but it is hard when we were groomed together, when they manufacfured grief and traumabonds between us. When we were manipulated into being fatally important to each other, and I had to immediately cut them off completely even befofe we broke up because their guilt tripping and genuine confusion and sadness was dangerous for my system to handle.

It almost seemed deliberate when they forced a switch while the alters previously out had been in charge of getting our emotional affairs in order. I still remember spiraling and spiraling and sobbing and sobbing as we forced this alter to let go and they continued to spiral into an anxiety-induced eating disorder that lasted months. How my ex's friends toyed with me and physically isolated me. How hard it is to heal when no one wanted to accept that it was kindapping to not let me leave after allowing me to stay a week to get away from my ex, and how ridiculously it compounded my grief and the complexes of the manipulated ass alters. How this has permanently affected how I feel romantic and sexual desire

I sent a huge, biting, angry, harsh letter to them before I moved and I still feel like I have more to say. All my alters from the time period are going dormant, only the ones who were always cast out from the fronting lineups survived, and we're left to reckon with the fact that my system structure wasn't organic because it was meant to serve their emotional and physical needs and not my own

Sometimes I just wish I could spend one more week with them, even though I know it would make me worse. My psyche is just desperate, desperate for the myth of closure, but more accurately just desperate, desperate to be dehumanized and used and be put on a pedestal by them, desperate to be understood through who they wanted me to be, through the subservient alters eight years in the making, (ive not yet been so close to anybody like that for that long), desperate for them, for them them them them them them.

[nevermindtheblood]

Never related to all the content about "masking" as an autistic person because ive never masked and was constantly punished for it until I could no longer access my emotions or my bodily needs. It's one of the biggest ways I realized that I am not low support needs, because instead of realizing that I was treated better if I acted like someone else, I was constantly being intractably conditioned to completely silence every aspect of my personality, humanity, and emotion, I did not UNDERSTAND that I was ever treated in an unacceptable way. Before LSN autistics reply that that IS masking, there is a difference. I was genuinely not allowed to move, speak, entertain myself, communicate with anyone through any means, or eat without permission, and barely had any belongings or media to derive comfort from. I did not have the ability to assess myself for the traits that everyone deemed so unacceptable, I was just taught that I would fundamentally never be worth acceptance. I have no idea what accommodations would benefit me because I'm not in touch with my body or brain like that.

I still don't know how to stim because it's not a matter of letting go of inhibitions.

[nevermindtheblood]

EVEN CUTTING DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING

[nevermindtheblood]

the whole thing hasn't bothered me for a while but ive started tk feel like im going to pee myself with i think about it

[nevermindtheblood]

See lately it becomes more and more obvious that what I've been through is torture and the way I was raised was brainwashing. But does it bring any memories back? No. Does it bring any alters forward? No. Does it give me any hint or semblance of identity or emotion? No. Did growing up in a cult even affect me? IDK. Is it any clearer who contributed to my trauma or system structure? FUCK no. Do I have any idea what kind of programming that did to my brain? Not a CHANCE. If whatever therapist my psych gives me doesn't have experience in system mapping I'm going insane.

The only clues I have to my trauma are alters with completely absolutely insane exo(psuedo)memories about whatever source or past lives they're from, with specific details that don't seem to have ever applied to me. They go through their own arcs uncovering and recovering and repressing and recovering again the most nutso shit with things that feel even impossible for the kind of life I've led. Is there really truth in exomemories or am I a huge faker. :P

[nevermindtheblood]

Why am i so obsessed with being honest with people?

My life would be a lot easier if I wasn't brainwashed into having the compulsion to give people way more access to me than they need or deserve.

I'm glad i am starting to create more mouse holes like sideblogs and my journal, but i mourn what could have been and what I could have had if I just shut up for once.

[nevermindtheblood]

What does it mean when alters really only feel things until theyre actually in front. For example an alter will send ripples of whatever flashback or emotional symptom theyre having up until they get into front and they're fine. As soon as they leave they're back to tearing their hair out just beyond our immediate consciousness. Genuine question

[nevermindtheblood]

When the bitch that was fronting for more than a week finally switches out but he's still so present and giving the imagery of practically bashing his head against the wall with anxiety or something or other

[nevermindtheblood]

I want it but im so scared

Im scared but I want it so bad

[nevermindtheblood]

Always dickriding the fine line between letting myself have emotions about things that genuinely changed me and fixating way too much on shit that doesnt matter