nevermindtheblood - Tumblr blog

[nevermindtheblood]

Wow! It's so awesome to go on the programmed system tag & similar and see that every fucking post is about how xyz isn't valid and this thing you don't like is your complete focus and discourse discourse discourse. Do you ever get tired of it? Are any of you ashamed of focusing on fear, blame, and hierarchies over and over again?

[nevermindtheblood]

Was paralyzed with fear anf grief for a few moments falling asleep last night thinking about my ex. I am trying to let go of our emotional ties but it is hard when we were groomed together, when they manufacfured grief and traumabonds between us. When we were manipulated into being fatally important to each other, and I had to immediately cut them off completely even befofe we broke up because their guilt tripping and genuine confusion and sadness was dangerous for my system to handle.

It almost seemed deliberate when they forced a switch while the alters previously out had been in charge of getting our emotional affairs in order. I still remember spiraling and spiraling and sobbing and sobbing as we forced this alter to let go and they continued to spiral into an anxiety-induced eating disorder that lasted months. How my ex's friends toyed with me and physically isolated me. How hard it is to heal when no one wanted to accept that it was kindapping to not let me leave after allowing me to stay a week to get away from my ex, and how ridiculously it compounded my grief and the complexes of the manipulated ass alters. How this has permanently affected how I feel romantic and sexual desire

I sent a huge, biting, angry, harsh letter to them before I moved and I still feel like I have more to say. All my alters from the time period are going dormant, only the ones who were always cast out from the fronting lineups survived, and we're left to reckon with the fact that my system structure wasn't organic because it was meant to serve their emotional and physical needs and not my own

Sometimes I just wish I could spend one more week with them, even though I know it would make me worse. My psyche is just desperate, desperate for the myth of closure, but more accurately just desperate, desperate to be dehumanized and used and be put on a pedestal by them, desperate to be understood through who they wanted me to be, through the subservient alters eight years in the making, (ive not yet been so close to anybody like that for that long), desperate for them, for them them them them them them.

[nevermindtheblood]

Never related to all the content about "masking" as an autistic person because ive never masked and was constantly punished for it until I could no longer access my emotions or my bodily needs. It's one of the biggest ways I realized that I am not low support needs, because instead of realizing that I was treated better if I acted like someone else, I was constantly being intractably conditioned to completely silence every aspect of my personality, humanity, and emotion, I did not UNDERSTAND that I was ever treated in an unacceptable way. Before LSN autistics reply that that IS masking, there is a difference. I was genuinely not allowed to move, speak, entertain myself, communicate with anyone through any means, or eat without permission, and barely had any belongings or media to derive comfort from. I did not have the ability to assess myself for the traits that everyone deemed so unacceptable, I was just taught that I would fundamentally never be worth acceptance. I have no idea what accommodations would benefit me because I'm not in touch with my body or brain like that.

I still don't know how to stim because it's not a matter of letting go of inhibitions.

[nevermindtheblood]

EVEN CUTTING DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING

[nevermindtheblood]

the whole thing hasn't bothered me for a while but ive started tk feel like im going to pee myself with i think about it

[nevermindtheblood]

See lately it becomes more and more obvious that what I've been through is torture and the way I was raised was brainwashing. But does it bring any memories back? No. Does it bring any alters forward? No. Does it give me any hint or semblance of identity or emotion? No. Did growing up in a cult even affect me? IDK. Is it any clearer who contributed to my trauma or system structure? FUCK no. Do I have any idea what kind of programming that did to my brain? Not a CHANCE. If whatever therapist my psych gives me doesn't have experience in system mapping I'm going insane.

The only clues I have to my trauma are alters with completely absolutely insane exo(psuedo)memories about whatever source or past lives they're from, with specific details that don't seem to have ever applied to me. They go through their own arcs uncovering and recovering and repressing and recovering again the most nutso shit with things that feel even impossible for the kind of life I've led. Is there really truth in exomemories or am I a huge faker. :P

[nevermindtheblood]

Why am i so obsessed with being honest with people?

My life would be a lot easier if I wasn't brainwashed into having the compulsion to give people way more access to me than they need or deserve.

I'm glad i am starting to create more mouse holes like sideblogs and my journal, but i mourn what could have been and what I could have had if I just shut up for once.

[nevermindtheblood]

What does it mean when alters really only feel things until theyre actually in front. For example an alter will send ripples of whatever flashback or emotional symptom theyre having up until they get into front and they're fine. As soon as they leave they're back to tearing their hair out just beyond our immediate consciousness. Genuine question

[nevermindtheblood]

When the bitch that was fronting for more than a week finally switches out but he's still so present and giving the imagery of practically bashing his head against the wall with anxiety or something or other

[nevermindtheblood]

I want it but im so scared

Im scared but I want it so bad

[nevermindtheblood]

Always dickriding the fine line between letting myself have emotions about things that genuinely changed me and fixating way too much on shit that doesnt matter

[nevermindtheblood]

sorry but Genuinely what is it going to take for my poor girly friend to realize that it's a baaaad idea to start getting involved with her crazy abuser ex again who she literally had to flee cross country to get away from and leave her cat behind . Like. i listen to this man berate and gaslight her on the phone for two hours straight talking about how all their problems were her fault for not isolating herself enough and then she immediately goes and sees him. like you're manic. Ive tried to tell her she needs to run away from him for five fucking years. Ive carried her for the whole fallout because shes such a gift and she's always deserved so much. At what point does something give. Ive tried everything. this is unbelievable.

[nevermindtheblood]

When all is said and done i guess my sexually abusive ex relationship really did affect me

[nevermindtheblood]

Im tired of coming out just to be misinterpreted and disappointed. Was i right to beat myself into dormancy every damn time or do i need a complete recheck on who i am and what i want? Do i need to lower my expectations? What is this, dog. I hate aspd and depression, and ptsd and autism or whatever, because am i seriously doomed to always feeling like a fucking freak when it comes to my relationships with other people? Is there always something that separates me from everyone i try to get close to, something im always doing wrong, something im always too stupid to understand? What is happiness other than just motivation? Motivation for what? The fucking rat race? Am i searching for something that doesnt exist?

[nevermindtheblood]

I feel like im in a rut lately something beyond me is keeping me from being crrative and i can physically feel people losing interest because i dont draw as much FANART. I feel so fucking stupid that somewhere along the way i lost confidence in my original work so much that it's beyond a chore to create and i cannot physically hring myself to start drawing wven when I have the pencil in my hand and papsr in front of me and hours to do it. Whats wrong with me. It all feels so hopeless ans pointless what with the heat death of the earth so imminent. I wish i wasnt fucking undiagnosed growing up bwcause now im so burnt out i dont know if ill ever feel organic passion again if i cant even bring myself to cook anymore. Im soooo glad that my parents just ignored my obvious learning disabilities enough that ive never achieved anything or learned any coping skills or internalized any sort of accommodation and now it's too late to be seen as anything but just kind of selfish and flaky and a bit of a control freak who should really learn to let go a little because im not as smart as i think i am

[nevermindtheblood]

Overthinking the dumbest shit re: cults.

I didnt have it so bad, I was only mormon until 13! And then the rest of my adolescence was my parents being fucking insane about punishment! I also don't remember being younger than 13! I have only a couple select memories from each year younger than say 9! I don't remember the year I was homeschooled at all! All evidence points to me being sexually abused at some point but I don't remember it AT ALL even though I have a likely guess of (at least one) perpetrator! Not rven a guess! I want to remember anything at all! I hate the advice of "you'll remember when you're ready don't pry" even though it's good advice, I feel like I'll never know and remembering none of my early formative shit is so disconcerting and annoying! I promised myself I wouldn't fakeclaim my system anymore but it doesn't stop the annoyance of not knowing if your trauma is even a blip on the radar when everyone around you has the most shocking horror stories you've ever heard and you're here like. Teehee i was poor. Yhe only adverse childhood memory I have is an insane babysitter in kindergarten.. whixh that definitely "helped" the systsm but dog I was dissociative before that and part of the reason she was so scary to me is because I scanned her house for red flags of phobias I had BEFORE ever knowing her and BEFORE she did the whole "forcing my sister and i to change shirts so we didnt 'stain them with tears' and locking us both outside until we stopped crying" thing. Also doesnt explain why my parents were so willing to ignore how much i hated her or how my mother lied about how often i went to see her when i got older and recalled it. Also doesnt explain all of the sus as fuck shit that my parents told me about me being a baby.

And here I am a full grown adult wishing I had any "justification" for the trauma response of having a system becauss I don't even remember any of my alters. Not a single one because a few nicknames that were likely just hosts. I wish my experience of being in a cult wasnt lalala i was a kid mormon! Not even old enough for it to cause any problems! We moved almosg immediately! I have no problems now! Lalalala! And before anyone is like "i wouldnt wish (insert trauma) on anybody be GLAD you dont remember" do you have any idea how dehumanizing it is to not have a story

[nevermindtheblood]

i have such a bad problem w my alter activity never being perceptible and being blurry nearly all the time even with the one alter fronting for a few days before one single other one comes to take their place.. our headspace is huge but very hard to visualize outside of our isolated basement fronting room.. it's incredibly hard to make any progress with hearing alters or having ANY activity that isn't prompted by outside suggestion and even then it's not always effective. every time we meditate on it, we fall asleep. ive started using headspace/alter meditation as a sleep tactic at this point because it's also one of the only things that works to get to sleep re: terrible insomnia. aint life so funny