nevermindtheblood

[nevermindtheblood]

even the rare times my body decides it needs to cry the second i make any sort of noise im automatically so viscerally disgusted at myself and immediately clam up

[nevermindtheblood]

Anyone else get the constant itching feeling of needing Something something something something ?

[nevermindtheblood]

If i fucking ever hear someone suggest DBT to me again I'm going fucking ballistic. Do you think the concept of thinking before you act is foreign to me? Do you think all my behavior when I'm hurting is fundamentally maladaptive? Do you think my problems arise from feeling emotions too fucking intensely???! Every fucking time I feel anything strongly it's do you ever think about applying DBT. Every fucking time I express how complicated and unproductive trying to feel something is for me it's have you tried DBT. I don't fucking think you know what DBT is! I don't think you're fucking listening to me if the only advice you have for processing big things I need help with is "COPE"!!!!!!!! I'm aware that how I react to things is my responsibility! I ALREADY APPLY GODDAMN DBT SKILLS it has nothing to do with how I feel!! MY FUCKING GOD!

[nevermindtheblood]

My partner has been bugging the shit out of me and it's fucking hard to navigate because I bring up what hurts my feelings and what's triggering to me even though it involves conflicting access needs and left the conversation with all this burden placed on me and some fucking confusion. Immediately met with resistence because it's always me that needs to be rational and accomodating because I have sooo much freedom from being unemployed!!!

I need to journal about the details but it's driving me crazy. Confusion is a far worse emotion than offended.

[nevermindtheblood]

my uncle just got arrested for exactly what you think he got arrested for, my family is all ignoring the obvious problem of they werealways close friends and enabling each other, anf no one is thinking of the kids, and the "therapist" my parents chose for family therapy i found out is the therapidt to more than one of my siblings and was taking the side of my parents! which is crazy to do! it's getting really weird out here!! and im just broke and hungry because they canceled our food stamps with no notice we only found out trying to go shopping today. what is happening. im not equipped to deal with any of this !! my system barely functions and im so tired! my psych is incompetent and my therapist lied about all of her qualifications. am i just supposed to be left for dead here. what the fuck is going on

[nevermindtheblood]

I realized recently that we have quite a few alters strongly identify with different colors . & after some speculation and simply plural sorting i think i may have a lead on our color organization..... MAGNETS

red and blue alters repel each other and i can think of a few pairs that famously hate each other.

it's also vaguely complementary colors?

still others will resemble two or more colors such as an alter subsys with both a blue/red alter and a blue/yellow alter..

also, cave systems seem to be important. Idk!

[nevermindtheblood]

For so long been dealing with these exomemories that as far as I can tell don't actually mirror "real" trauma

It's fucking crazy lol like I know what I fucking remember. I've seen two people die in front of me. The hollowness of it. The dissociation it takes to get it out of my brain for a second leaves me with an unfillable hole on the inside of me. Dissociation so bad even typing this. Being a system has been so so so hard lately. We constantly are wrenching ourselves away from flashbacks and as soon as we acknowledge whatever the fuck it is it disappears and it stops "mattering"

[nevermindtheblood]

this might be the day i finally say something about my parents to anyone they know

[nevermindtheblood]

When the system can switch on command but not on purpose

[nevermindtheblood]

something i remembered out of nowhere. there's this conversation our mother had with us driving home, about what masturbation was. i remember looking down at my stuffed animal and giving it some thought. i have no idea where we were driving from, whether we were actually going home, what exactly she said, or why the fuck she even brought it up.

i just know my parents had something to do with the probable csa like somatic memories we get but there's no way to know for sure.

[nevermindtheblood]

well, after being back in my hometown it becomes extremely obvious that my parents torture(d) my siblings and i. but i have no idea what their goal was for these constantly dissociated states. i dont know the lasting effects. i wont go into it on this post but most of the rituals surrounding their abuse were school, grades, bedtime. i remember lectures but always walked out of the room having no idea what was said or done. what an identity crisis it is trying to be objective about your own experience without trying to make sense of myself through other people online. i wish this was something i could bring up to my still-new therapist who doesn't actually work with trauma processing. but she said she could help me access memories, so we'll see.

[nevermindtheblood]

g**gle search how to bring up to your partner that they've been distant when it isn't really their fault

[nevermindtheblood]

i started getting really fucked up sxual impulses "out of nowhere." they fucking laid eggs in my skin with the expectations of rape and sedation and i thought i escaped being affected by any of it they hatched

[nevermindtheblood]

i know what i went through... i know deep within the recesses of my mind and with my whole body. i know how cold and alone and afraid i felt. i shouldnt have been alone. they shouldnt have kept me. no one talks to me about how i was kidnapped and part of me frets with preemptive shame at the possibilty we really did make a huge deal out of nothing. but no we fucking didn't. everyone just assumes im just as petty as my captors because they did bad things over completely superficial drama between themselves. but i had no idea what anyone was talking about any of the time and they fucking completely ignored me when i asked and brought up my concerns multiple times. they held me captive, they gave me pills, they kept me as high and as drunk as possible, they manipulated my alters individually and gaslighted my brain and body as a whole, they interrogated, endangered, abused, touched our littles, beat our adults, took sexual advantage of as many alters as possible. pushed our known schizophrenic + abandonment activated alters into front nearly on purpose and it wreaked havoc on our mental health. wore down our defenses until we didnt even say no once to them raping us to extremes. completely neglected AND took advantage of our support needs. i dont even remember what they did anymore or feel what i do. they were hot and cold with affection and attention, they made explicit displays of both affection and cruel hatred depending on what they thought about everyone and me that day. abused us in our sleep. they constantly threatened their own lives with explicit suicidal intent and mine with starvation and spiritual death and what it did to my mental + chronic illnesses. i had to take them to court over petty DRAMA. and then they made me their target and scapegoat because i went through with cutting myself off from them. i was publicly defamed and harrassed and STALKED to their families and friends and even LITERAL CELEBRITIES. and i was discouraged from confrontation so as to not escalate but my need to vindicate and redeem myself as their suvivor was never met. no one cared. because all of them were insufferable to even my extended circle and were abusers in their own "primary" relationships , it's completely taboo for me to say anything when it's been "this long." worst of all i sounded stupid back then because I was brainwashed multiple times over and was trying to be outspoken about my experience anyway. "everyone copes in different ways" until someone doesn't respond by trying to immediately forget and not talk about it. it still negatively touched my core and youre begging me to just shut up already?

this happened 3 years ago but it happened all fucking year long. i still feel it like it was yesterday. and people still forget.

i wanna figure out better ways to express it. but it takes too long. i despise taking up so many resources just to be understood. i am begging to be taken seriously and given even some of the grace and patience i extend to others.

[nevermindtheblood]

breaking up with the bitch i was groomed with was the fucking awesomest thing ive ever done for my health + life . but it is insane what a hole they still leave and i cant talk about it .

everyone i know is sick to DEATH of hearing about what happened almost 3 years ago but it still feels like it was fucking yesterday because i dont think anyone realized how much it's stuck inside my heart!!!! everyone just watched me run my mouth instead of just holding space for me so that maybe i would have to talk everyone to death about whatever immature thing happened.

like, i know no one can read my mind and i know i get my fill of people talking about the same things, so im not taking it personally.. but also, it just still feels like people should have reached out to me about what was happening or even TALKED to me like a PERSON who needed help, at any fucking point. even the ones i loved the most avoided it because it was too much to deal with on top of what was happening to them during the whole time period :/ what a year collectively

[nevermindtheblood]

ive had total apathy and general dysphoria lately. everyone and everything in my life feels like layers of cling wrap and i cant breathe despite the fact these things are peaceful and genuine. i cannot stay in my body long enough to ever feel like i belong on earth or in someone's arms.

also i skipped my night meds because i have moderate sedation for a procedure tomorrow morning and i get paranoid of interactions. ive now been up twitching itching and in pain and not tired ar all for two fucking hours and i ALREADY went to bed late. little pricks and needles all over my skin and it's sensory HELL. i have such bad stomach cramps and heartburn too that wont STOP. it hurts so bad.

my alarm is in five hours. fuck me. i guess ill play hexa sort and other phone games

[nevermindtheblood]

and by different i mean CHANGED ENTIRELY WRF IS ALL THIS SHIT I SEE OF WARNING PEOPLE OF "ACCELERATIONISM" WHEN THE STATE HAS BEEN ACCELERATING VIOLENCE TO FINAL STAGES ON MULTIPLE FRONYD

whenever i tell people my opinions about politics in the us they HAAATE it. i like can't speak on them anywhere because the propaganda makes everyone defensive. but anyway im kind of RELIEVED trump won. and peoplw think that means im rooting for all the awful shit he does and represents and their evangelical supporters? nah im relieved because voting while voting for trump is voting for an absurd demented racist and serial rapist, voting for kamala was a purposeful choice in favor of GENOCIDE disguised as personal freedoms, and liberals Literally cost jill stein the election to defend their own comfort while attacking leftists the whole time and as soon as their brat cop lost and started selling her contributors data to get out of DEBT, they turned around and adopted all the things the left has BEEN saying and putting into practice like "community care" "mutual aid" and "we're all we've got." yeah while kamala was literally serving in office and overseeing the escalation of multiple genocides, and in every year before it, we were already honing these things and trying to get you to stop bootlicking and join us. so i guess yall were listening the whole time and just didnt care because (you BELIEVED that) the results of the election would make it so the presidency continued to not personally affect YOU. meanwhile democrats started voting outside their party because people decided that idk killing millions of people with impunity from international law.. was a dealbreaker.

yeah so im RELIEVED trump won, because some of yall were about to get real fucking complacent. a kamala win wouldve meant that every single one of you would continue to tear your circle of families and loved ones into smaller and smaller pieces because you kept attacking radicals while the police state swallowed you up whole.

with trump in office, now everyone is finally united about SOMETHING, and now democrats suddenly have a problem with everything going on (again with kamala and joe still in office.) i actually have hope for the next 4 years for the first time. we're coming out of this one different.