never-just-another-dead-girl

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

This is Rina Palenkova.

Her name is well know but not her true story.

She killed herself 8 years ago today, on the 24th November 2015, by laying down on train tracks and letting herself be run over. Despite all the popular and widely insensitive content about her death online, she was not playing the Blue Whale game, she was depressed, her boyfriend treated her awfully, and she needed help. She took the photo on the bottom right the day before she died, and posted it with a caption expressing her intent, then went home and according to her mother didn't eat or sleep, just listened to music all night. She committed the next day.

She was only 17.

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

^My header image

I think making collages is a beautiful way to remember Liv, her personality leaks through all these photos she uploaded and its a truly special way to remember her light and humour while she was in such a dark place.

The song lyric " 'cause with out you there is no me" is from a tattoo Liv had on her wrist, from a song called The Boy Who Could Fly, by the band Pierce the Veil, who both me and Liv have a special connection with.

She was human, she liked certain songs, and took photos of herself eating ice-cream with friends.

Never alone；never just another dead girl.

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

"Remember yourself as a little girl, she is counting on you to protect her" - Olivia Penpraze

These are all photos of Liv when she was younger, and they really hit you hard knowing she grew up to hate herself so much that she resorted to taking her own life.

Never alone；never just another dead girl.

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

Never alone；never just another dead girl.

You are worthy of recovery. Always.

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

Even though you are gone, the ripples of your presence are still here through the people you touched

Never alone；never just another dead girl.

liv,

its been two years now. I remember this exact night two years ago. I was on tumblr when I had this sudden urge to check up on you and I saw that your dad had posted to inform us of your passing. I have never felt that mass of pain in my whole life. It felt like everything fell apart and I broke. I didn’t even know what I was going to do with myself. First, I was in disbelief. and then the guilt poured in. You saved me, but I couldn’t do the same for you. I remember crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe, I was screaming and weeping and I was an incredible mess. I realized I was meant to start getting ready for school and when I looked in the mirror, my eyes were so puffy and red, and everyone kept asking me all day whats wrong. I wasn’t able to gather enough breath to really say anything, so I shrugged and avoided it. 

You have become the biggest inspiration I’ve ever been able to imagine. You changed who I am, and to this day, I try to carefully consider everything I say to everyone. I want to raise awareness on mental illness and help people in ways I wasn’t able to help you. I was hoping to have an event tomorrow in your honour but I didn’t know where to start and I kept procrastinating. Im sorry if I let you or others down on that one, but I am going to work on it. 

You also somehow convinced me that I needed to love myself. So I signed up for Miss Teen Canada Globe, mostly so I could share my story, along with some of yours. I didn’t know how else to reach out to such a large audience, and it came with so much stress and anxiety but I did it, and I hope to continue it and inspire people just like you have. I want everyone to understand that there is help and there are treatments, and how to get it. 

This year, on your birthday, I finally admitted to myself that something was wrong and that I needed to get help. My constant alcohol/drug abuse was not something to take lightly, and I understood that it was destructive behaviour. So I went to the hospital and hoped they might take me in (even if that sounds pathetic). I just hoped it would help and stuff. But they sent me home and set me up with emergency outreach, and I had a really amazing clinician named Candice, who helped me in ways she will never understand, and I feel like it was your way of pushing me towards the light. 

You have inspired me so, so much. And I will continue in doing my best to make even the slightest change. 

I am so sorry that I didn’t do more to save you. I miss you more than ever and I know you’re watching over me. You’re a beautiful, precious angel and I hope to see you some day. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. Im trying really hard to be happy for you although its bittersweet. thank you for the tremendous impact you have had on my life and so many others. you mean the world to me and I hope that one day I can be nearly as strong as you were. Keep shining your light, darling. You’re truly loved and missed.

Love you, liv. xox

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

This is from Olivia Penpraze's deleted blog, so worth a read. She was hurting so much, and living for other people, it hurts me so much that her and so many others were or are in this headspace. You deserve help, people are here for you to reach out to. I reply to every single message I get, you are not selfish. I recognise your suffering, I believe you.

Never alone；never just another dead girl.

To people who think killing yourself is easy

to people who think killing yourself is easy. it’s not. it’s not as simple as taking and handful of pills, slitting your wrists, jumping off a bridge or cliff, jumping in front of a train or a truck, or anything you can think of. it’s not that easy. and it never will be just that simple. it’s not just saying “goodbye” without caring. people who are suicidal care, we care so much about others, what they think of us, how much they judge us, how much they love us. we care if we hurt those around us by hurting ourselves. WE CARE. so don’t ever tell someone who’s suicidal that they don’t care or that they’re selfish, because they’re far from that. how is it at all selfish for a suicidal person to live and breathe everyday no matter how much they’re suffering inside all because they don’t want to hurt you? it’s a constant struggle everyday between either hurting yourself or those around you. and suicidal people are selfless. we’d rather carry the weight of our suffering on our shoulders than burden anyone else with it, we’d rather take a razor to our wrist than tell someone who’s bullying us to shut up. we can deal with so much and we don’t let anyone see how much we’re actually dealing with. and then one day we realize it’s too hard to carry on like this anymore, we make plans to kill ourselves and then we tell someone who think would care and then they call us selfish. so the next time a suicide date comes around, we won’t tell anyone, we’ll keep quiet, we’ll do what we have to do. and then someone succeeds, and then the person who they told the first time around says something like “i wish they told me instead, i wish i could have done something to stop them” well yes, they could have, the first time instead of calling them selfish, or thinking they were doing it for attention, or anything else, the could have opened up their heart and taken some time to just listen. just listening can do so much, just being there for your friends means so much. every time i see my friends struggling i want to be able to tell them something to make them smile or at least make them feel a little better, but i never know what to say. if you’re the same, maybe just simply ask them if they’re okay, and you could save their life. i’m sorry this is so long, and i got distracted from the main point. i just feel like i can’t do this anymore, but i don’t want to talk about either. i’m sorry.

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

[never-just-another-dead-girl]

Poor girl, she really believed that she was :(