neuronaz

[neuronaz]

plot twist: you let someone in and they don’t fuck you over

[neuronaz]

“Starved for affection, terrified of abandonment, I began to wonder if sex was really just an excuse to look deeply into another human being’s eyes.”

— Douglas Coupland, Generation X 

[neuronaz]

i wonder if there is anyone too nervous to talk to me.

[neuronaz]

all or none or maybe some

in my escapades of self-exploration, i’ve been digging into the all-or-none principle and how much it plays a factor in my daily functioning. it’s something i’ve never really viewed in a negative light, allbeit any light. one of my biggest strengths is that i’m a maximizer: i strive for excellence. to take something bad and make it good is pleasurable. but to take something already great and make that even better, that’s the sweet spot. however, with that comes the idea that i try to make the most out of every situation. which isn’t necessarily something so wrong, however the way my mind has merged the all-or-none principle with my pursuit for maximization has called a lot of internal strife. i see it a lot in the ways i pursue interpersonal connections. with my friends, i try to embrace them to the fullest. with love, i aim to do so with such vigor and ferocity. i try for the best because why not? what’s the point of having something that’s not 100%? i want to have it all, i want the best. i want all of the other person. in an effort to do so, i end up giving up so much of myself. i give you all of me and with that comes the expectation for you to give all of yourself. 

as nice as it sounds, that’s not the best, and honestly, that’s far from how it works. people can’t give their all to you. most people can’t even give all of them to themselves. when i examine my behavior, the effort i put into other relationships is exponentially larger than the effort i put into myself. this mixing of the all-or-none fallacy with my tendency to maximize has created such a disconnect in my brain and developed into this draining trait. the connections i have are so strong and solidified and probably meet any criteria for excellence. most of friends, even those i barely know, see me as this ray of light; they see so much worth in me. but i try to make that even better and as i try to squeeze out more friendship, more connection, a stronger bond, i’m striving for perfection; or better yet my perception of what a perfect connection looks like. in doing so i’m surely going to be let down. as i usually am. the amount i give induces vast appreciation for me as an individual but whether or not i want to admit it, there’s some part of me that expects something in return. and when i don’t get it or when i get something but not exactly what i give, i feel disappointed. if i can’t have all of you and i’m giving you all of me, there’s something that feels wrong. maybe i haven’t given you enough? maybe you’re not seeing all of me? why? oh well, because you’re light shines so bright (my desire to see positivity in those around me; to see the good in all). so then, there must be something wrong with me? i must not be giving enough. i need to do more to strive for this attention and achieve what so i desire. so i give more of myself. and yet i feel disconnected, i feel unappreciated, but i can’t see anything wrong in the other person, so it’s a me problem. and it’s this repetitive cycle where i just force some feeling of disconnect instead of embracing what i get. if i don’t have all, then i have none. and if embracing that is my idea of maximization, then the only thing i’m maximizing is my pain, my disappointment, my perceived disconnect.

that’s where the idea of “the some” comes along. this is where i struggle. some means that i can accept 80 when i want 100. some means that i can appreciate what i do have and find the value in all of my connections. some can still be excellence. some can still mean i’m maximizing. some also means giving less of myself to others. it means not just throwing all of me out there. it means saving some of myself, for me. so that i can see my own value, just as i try to find the value in those around me. some is the reality of the world we live in, the one outside of my head without all the crazy expectations of others and over myself. 

[neuronaz]

[neuronaz]

“No matter how much the truth hurts, it’s always better than being lied to”

—

[neuronaz]

[neuronaz]

[neuronaz]

the boundary between desperation and desire

i crave romanticism. i want someone to look at me as if i complete them; as if they see so much wonder in me; as there is nothing brighter in this world than myself. and i want to see myself feeling the same. the idea of falling in love with someone - it seems so beautiful. and i don’t think it’s wrong for me to crave that and yet, it feels that way. and that’s why it’s probably important to assess the boundary between desperation and desire.  desire is a strong feeling of wanting to have someone or something or wishing for it to happen. it lives along the lines of passion. the yearn for love is admirable and something i can admit i succumb to. i am a man of passion. when i want something, i seek it out until i can get it. i love to invest myself fully into the things that excite my brain. nothing stops me from wanting to be a doctor, nothing. and there’s something admirable about an individual so passionate for love. i want someone to see the good in me. to see the deep, intelligent, communicative, loving man that i am. to find someone who can handle the fire i’m so ready to give out. i want to love someone and i want to do it so fucking hard. i want to be able to simply sit with someone and have a sense of wholeness immerse my body.. i want to find the woman that feels like she’s been apart of my life all - a part of my life; who’s heart feels like it’s exactly part of me that’s been missing. i desire a love that burns with such ferocity it lights my sky for a lifetime. a love where there is no fear of loss, because we are both everything the other has searched for. a love that is boundless - not like the ocean, but like the universe, seemingly infinite and yet constantly growing. i could go on and on about this perfect love that i crave. to find someone i can share my true intensity and passion with. and maybe i will find that. maybe tomorrow. maybe five years from now. maybe when i turn 76. who knows. but it’s in my future

but maybe i won’t. and that’s where the desperation comes in. despair - the complete absence and loss of hope. there’s no passion in that, only sorrow and misery. there’s the feeling that overtakes my whole body, that i won’t find that love. or even worse, that i won’t find anything close to that. the anguish that comes from my passion for love being put out before i even get the chance to experience it. and that perpuates a cycle of self-demeaning behavior. the only reason i won’t get that love is because i’m not good enough for that. that the reason i’m not getting that is because i can’t, because i’m unable to. because there’s some innate flaw in me that prevents me from doing so. i don’t get matches on dating apps. no one is ever interested in me. i must be doing something wrong. i must be wrong. it seems logical. the only common thing is me. i’ve been told so many times when it’s an you against the world problem, you’re probably the problem. so if love is being spread around, people are exploring each other, learning what they do and don’t like in a partner; if this time in my life is dictated by these numerous attempts at relationships; at love (or something that brings you one step closer to it), then something must be wrong with me because i can’t seem to get along. that’s desperation. 

it’s hard, because i’ll be honest the desperation part was so much easier to write than the desire part. but the desire part feels so much stronger and as good as i can be with my words, nothing comes close to the internal feeling that the thought of love ignites. not even the pain that desperation brings about. and perhaps that’s all i need to remember. focus on the desire, but not to the point of desperation. embrace your emotions, but don’t let them take over you. love is a part of being human. and it’s okay to crave it.

[neuronaz]

[neuronaz]

“disappointed, but not surprised” has been my biggest mood this year.

[neuronaz]

my seduction style is genuinely caring about your life & wanting you to improve & be happy 

[neuronaz]

You’re at your most powerful when you stop giving a fuck.

[neuronaz]

[neuronaz]

[neuronaz]

“Reciprocity is never too much to ask for. You gravitate closer towards souls who understand the concept of consideration when you keep a healthy distance from those who don’t. The door remains open, but all allegiance is saved for those who never walked out in the first place.”

— Meggan Roxanne

[neuronaz]

You will never understand the hell I feel inside my head