nervouspandatrash

[nervouspandatrash]

My Lovely Moon

I've never felt at home, alienated in every house I've ever lived in. I hoped that if I could peek out the curtains, someone would catch a glimpse of my soul. I wrote these poems to you, hoping you felt the same unexplainable yearning. Ruining my sleep schedule, trying to steal every second you'd allow me. I didn't have to make myself smaller, you cleared space so I could fit comfortably. For the first time in my life, I truly felt seen.

Now I get to wake up to you every week, affections spoken freely. I no longer have to hide behind my screen, so do these poems still hold meaning? You make me feel safe in a way I can't explain, I stand taller knowing you love me. I finally found my home, a place I can happily grow old. Someone to hold when the summer days we met turned cold. I want to keep you safe, tuck you into my heart so I know you're never far. I told you I never loved anyone more than my cat, because I was afraid to tell you my love for you knows no bounds. I have never loved anything more than I love you. They say that no love is unconditional, but clearly they've never seen the way I look at you. I will love you and cherish you until the day we die, just promise me you'll look for me in the afterlife. The moon is beautiful, isn't it?

- Right now, you're beside me sleeping, I couldn't be happier.

[nervouspandatrash]

I'm so angry.

Lacking in energy

Losing all hope in humanity

Tell me, what do you hear when we scream?

Our pain has surpassed Rage

Look in my eyes, stoke the flame.

You have failed 168 million.

Are you ready to burn?

Not for lack of trying

Alone you have killed our hope.

- I'm sick of my fate laying in larger hands.

[nervouspandatrash]

Wouldn't it be great

If we could freely explore space?

Float up into the sky

Leave this Earth without a trace.

We would be able to dance among stars,

Explore new planets and earn new scars.

I want to float, sleeping-

Drifting somewhere in the cosmic void.

Taking picnics on a new moon each day,

Float past celestial bodies and wave.

I'll build a hovercraft,

Skate across Pluto's surface.

We'll discover alien life forms!

Maybe they'll give us new purpose.

Wouldn't it be great

If we could freely explore space?

We have stardust in our veins,

We hold galaxies in our eyes.

- I hope, stupidly, to see the world from space before I die.

[nervouspandatrash]

Ugh

It must be possible to love others without loving yourself, if not my life would be empty. Does this mean that I love myself, or is it just that everyone is backwards? Maybe you can't love yourself without loving others. The similarities that connect you is how you learn to stop judging yourself. The more you learn to love in others the more you can love yourself. Maybe I don't understand love, or people, but I'm trying.

- Does feeling unlovable make me so?

[nervouspandatrash]

Disruptive

Can you feel my fears?

Won't you please make them disappear

Do you mind if I hold you, right here?

If it's alright, I'll call you my dear

Promise I won't shed a single tear

Always taught to turn the other cheek

Think the devil got a hold on me

Must've caught me when I fell and scrapped my knee

[nervouspandatrash]

Who will you think of when you die? In those 7 minutes we get, who will be the last person on your mind? If it's alright with you, I'd like to pretend I'll get a bit of that time.

[nervouspandatrash]

Fit Right

I've always hated wearing bracelets, having small wrists means all they ever do is slip and slide. I haven't taken yours off since the day you put it on my wrist. I noticed you do the same with mine. Such a simple action, wearing this jewelry. Does it make your chest warm, the same way it does mine? I sleep with your jacket when you're not by my side, I do hope that's alright.

I think we traded hearts as we traded bracelets. I slid yours in my chest, tucked my heart in yours. Even interchanged, the beats stayed the same. I changed the words a little for this poem, I hope that's okay. Let's sit outside and look up at the sky, tell me all the reasons you love being alive. When we lay down to go to bed, I'll rest my head on your chest. I know we fit together just right.

- I told the moon I loved them, the whole world became brighter.

[nervouspandatrash]

I hope we meet again in another life…

[nervouspandatrash]

Hide and seek

I have spent my entire life hiding who I am, how I feel. Biting my tongue to spare myself the sorrow of being misunderstood. Sit in the dark with all the unspoken hopes and dreams clutched close to my heart. I think you are the best dream I've had so far. I'm scared to wake up, scared to leave this dream and return to a place where you don't belong to me. You hold the key to my heart but I'm scared to let you turn the lock. I know you love me but can you handle opening Pandora's box? I'm half tempted to hold your hand, encouraging you to wield this weapon. I hold my cards close to my chest, everything I say is planned out and strategic. I love you, I love you, I love you so much. I think I've said that 50 times today. I praise your name to everyone who will listen.

I don't know how no one can see the love written so plainly on my face. I didn't want to let go of your hand, I would hold it forever given the chance. I love your eyes, staring into them made my mind go quiet. For a few seconds, you and I were the only people on this planet. I've never seen such a pure soul, your warmth chases away all of the cold. I love our conversations, even though I'm kind of slow. You're so smart, I'm sorry a lot of the things you said went over my head. I don't know what to say when you show affection. I'm scared I'll say the wrong thing, ruin the moment.

You see the fire behind my eyes and want to pull up a chair. In my dreams you embrace all this rage, take my burning. Build a fireplace right in the middle of a little house with a wrap around porch. Can we lay by the fire? I'll play with your hair.

- I want to love you loudly, shout it to the world

[nervouspandatrash]

I am in love. Soul filling, world stopping, time freezing love. I don't have the words to capture how I felt when we locked eyes. I love you forever.

[nervouspandatrash]

A rant I don't understand

I think I hate what I've become. I look upon myself with the rage of everyone I've ever been, every piece of me I've had to destroy to fit in. They raise their noses in disgust. I say that I love who I am to distract myself from the memory of what was. I write poems as pretty as flowers to rest against the headstones. My mind is the cemetery of every personality I've held. If you stick around long you might find one but it'll be a husk, just another empty shell. Is it still murder if I just killed another version? Can I go to hell for killing pieces of myself?

I hate being quiet, keeping all of these words inside my head. I want to talk, talk, talk, talk the night away. I get so excited to finally use my words, they come out tumbled and criss-crossed. I'm sorry if I'm talking too fast, I just have so much to say, I want to make this last. I have to say as much as I can before your face goes deadpan, eyes glazed over. I'm sorry I talk too much, I just like being around you. I know I don't have anything of importance to say. I know I shouldn't talk so much, it's unattractive, I've been told. Some days I have so much to say I feel like letting you inside so you can drink the words directly from my soul.

I can't look in the mirror without wanting to cry. I don't want to show you my body because I can't stand it. I'm fat in all the wrong places, curves nonexistent. I know it's not about looks, but I wish I had more to offer. I have nothing but sharp edges, I wish I was softer. I've done so much damage I can't view myself as anything other than a monster. I'm in my head, but hey, it's better than being dead. Some days I wish I was instead. Everything is too much, I don't want to do anything. I'd do anything, though, if you asked me to. I trust you to stay, that realization is enough to paralyze me. Please be gentle, I'm handing you the keys to destroy me.

- I've stayed up far too late

[nervouspandatrash]

In my dreams

You visited me in my dreams, You come to me every night. I get a snapshot of what I wish to be our life. For a few blissful hours we get to coexist, our souls intertwined. I wonder if maybe we're seeing each other in the same dream, just different nights. I hope we are both able to feel this pure, unfiltered version of love. I told you once I dreamed of my soulmate, that I never got to see his face. Would you call me crazy if I say that feeling is the same as seeing you?

I get sad when I wake up some days. It's not as if I don't enjoy my life now, I just wish I could hold you. I don't want kids, but I spent a lifetime raising them with you. First days of schools and little family outings, picnics under the moon, secret date nights with you. I'll never know the feeling of being a mother, but for a few hours we got to be parents together. In another dream, we got to grow together. Born around the same time, we got to live parallel lives. From first steps to final breaths I got to call you mine. My friend, my crush, my first love, my husband.

I hope I get to love you in every single universe. I love you too much for this to have been the first time our souls collided. May these dreams be a window into another universe with you, not just a made up world that disappears in the morning. You are the moon to my stars, the sun I orbit.

- Isn't it a little sad, waking up from a life you'll never have?

[nervouspandatrash]

In my head

I wish I could see myself through other eyes. I'm scared one day you'll see me how I see myself. I try so hard to be a better person, I'm bursting with love I leave unspoken. I think I might be too broken. How can I always be too much and yet nothing I do is ever enough? I know that love is more than physical, but what if that's all I'm good for? I know you said I shouldn't listen, but I think I truly am a good for nothing whore. I crave your love, attention, touch. I love you more than I love myself, is that too much?

I feel really bad about that night. It's not as if I didn't want to, but scared of what it means for you. I hold so much fear for my past that I can't enjoy those acts. My mind screams that now you've got what you wanted I'm useless. If all I'm good for is being a whore, maybe we should've waited a little more. It's stupid these thoughts, the tears that come with. I'm scared I'll be this way for as long as I exist.

- I really hate feeling like this

[nervouspandatrash]

Scrap the script

I really wish I wasn't like this. How am I supposed to live when I'll always be this way? I'll spend my whole life trying to chase away the pain. I learned recently nicotine tricks people like me into thinking I'm normal. I think maybe that's why I smoke so much. Try to drown out all the crazy with a puff of sanity. How am I the bad guy in your story? All I ever wanted you to do was say you were sorry. I was willing to be the enemy. I didn't want everyone to give up on you, I just refused to give up on myself.

I don't think that anything good will ever truly belong to me. No matter how much is promised, I'll refuse to believe that you're being honest. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly be happy but I can't trust my surroundings. Not everything is about me, maybe I'm too self centered. Maybe my name brings ash to the mouths of everyone I've loved in the past. I burn too bright, it's no wonder nothing I love lasts. I crumble the walls, melt all this pretty glass.

My love isn't poison it's a bullet with your name on it. Telling me you love me gives me enough courage to load the gun. Do you think a vest is enough to stop the love? If I tell you before I pull the trigger will the blow come softer? How many times can I fire before your chest collapses? There's no antidote to this weapon. I kill everything I love, mauled beyond the point of recognition.

- I hope when death comes, she doesn't ask permission.

[nervouspandatrash]

Pent up

As humans, it's inevitable to fall into patterns or routines. Even the most outgoing and adventurous of us fall victim to some sort of habit. It comes in all shapes and sizings, ranging from a morning coffee, checking the news, having that cigarette while you shit. Yes, we all know you do it, it's okay. I think one of the bigger things we forget to teach children is how to deal with habits formed from trauma.

There are too many topics pushed off as taboo, never to be talked about, especially with your children. But think about how many years of self hate and fear we could save if everyone was a little more open with each other. If we stopped judging people for things they never had a say in, and instead taught them how to cope.

I struggled, or well I still do, for years with hypersexuality. I also have a massive fear of intimacy. I don't want to fuck, I want to make love. But how do I express that when my own hands are too rough? The topic has been on my mind a lot, I think because I haven't done anything in close to a month. It's hard not to feel like the monster who made me this way when it's all that controls my thoughts. It's not the only thing on my mind, but when I allow it to wander, that's where it ends up most of the time.

I can no longer tell if I long for a gentle embrace or if I want someone to spit in my face. How do I separate love from lust and will I be able to walk out the same? The joy in the moment does not override the regret of the action. I fear I am no better than that man with calloused hands. I wish someone would have been able to teach me to understand. What is the difference between love and lust? Why am I good for one, but useless for the other?

- I don't know where my mind is, but I hope to find it

[nervouspandatrash]

Letting go

I've always been a people pleaser. Growing up in a broken household, I'd do anything to make others happy. Promise me you'll stay and I'll give and give until I waste away. I've lost myself a million times that way. My spine is bent from the amount of times I've rolled over when someone told me to die. Clothes torn to shreds because you said you loved how I looked in bed. Did you know I bit my hands to stifle my cries?

I'm learning how to say goodbye. When things cause you pain, sometimes they're not worth the lesson. You don't need to hold your hand on the burner to know it'll hurt you. I carried your necklace for 2 years, the pendant sitting above my heart. I saw it as my own good luck charm. I thought you swore to never do me no harm?

I threw your necklace off the Grand Canyon today. 30 minutes later you threatened to kill yourself. I wonder if your soul felt me severing that tie. I wonder if it hurts as much as your lies. I wore your mark for years, branded as your prize. Did you truly only care for what was between my thighs? You don't get the dignity of a goodbye. I saved you after you berated every aspect of my being.

- The rest of my life will be mine

[nervouspandatrash]

Script

I wish, I wish, I wish I wasn't like this. I wish my mind didn't expect the worst the second things don't go as expected. Didn't you know there was a script to this? Why aren't you following it? Stomp on all of my hard work, I stayed up so late writing that. What happened to all the beautiful lines I wrote for you? Follow the script or I'm gonna flip my shit. I fucking hate you, I never want to see you again.

Wait, I didn't mean that please come back. Those words weren't meant to leave my head. You don't understand, that wasn't me. We share the same face but I didn't say those words, I don't know who they are. I would never say that to you, you know I love you. I'm rational, I'm safe, we understand what we're supposed to do. Get them out of my head, I can't hear over all the screaming. Who unlocked the door, allowed these words to pour? It wasn't me, I know better, I'm better. You've seen it, I'm growing.

I don't know who's in the right most of the time. Shut down, or scream and cry. Does it even matter which I decide? If I show you my rage does it make the pain go away? I traded my bark for a bite, but all I feel is this stitch in my side. My eyes glaze over, mouth glued shut. Can you hear the voices in my heart screaming at you? They've been here from the very start.

The silence is unbearable, I can't make it through life with a glazed look. You wanted me to talk, got in my face, grabbed my shoulders and shook. Did the stream of knives flooding from my mouth give you the clarity you crave? The poisoned daggers shredded my lips as they tried to meet their mark.

I wasn't aware speaking up could be it's own form of self harm. I've torn apart my soul trying to show you what lies underneath. You don't know the destruction I've caused to let you see me. Did it work? Did it work? Tell me it worked this time. Skin ripped open, my bones are exposed. Now that I've peeled back the wrapper, do I glow, or are my insides just as hollow?

I'm a husk of the person I had the opportunity to be. I choked down poison and puked up bile into they were gone. Swallowed the abuse with a smile. You destroyed every bit of joy I carried, why are you surprised that I'm angry? You kick a dog enough and the bitch is gonna learn to fight. It's okay to bite the hand that feeds you if the food is rotten.

- Bpd is my biggest enemy