nellkitty

[nellkitty]

The problem with commercial F/M romance is that it's written by the most heterosexual women alive and reading it you feel yourself slowly suffocating from the Gender of it all like a fish in a eutrophying lake. And what we actually need as a culture is F/M written by insane bisexuals violently allergic to heteronormativity

[nellkitty]

Reblog this picture of me holding a Family Size box of Honey Nut Cheerios? I’d really appreciate it.

[nellkitty]

So, as usual, I am the last one to realize that I am not a "team player"

Not that I can't be a part of a team and want us to succeed. Not that I don't get along with people. People just overwhelm me.

At my job, as a coffee slinger and order taker at a fast food restaurant, it takes 4 people to do what I can do by myself. This is not a brag, it's a fact. I get a huge dopamine dump when I have to prep all the smoothies, coffees, juices etc, and take 2 lanes of people ordering through the drive through. Going fast and multi tasking at this specific job is my happy place.

However, you throw even 2 other people into the mix, and I start to have problems. I will miss drinks, get flustered and then my brain glitches. I start getting impatient and flustered. Any more than 2 people, I have a sensory over load and freeze. My brain decides to do a power cycle on the mobility and thought systems, leaving me with nothing but panic and anger while my reasoning has fucked off for a wander.

This morning, it was just me and a cook. I was taking all the orders for drive through and counter. Making all the drinks, bagging all the food, taking all the payments. I was running hard. So, when my managers showed up (one was 2 hours late) they expected me to be angry, upset, and bitchy.

Instead, I had the best day at work I have in a long time. It was busy, as usual, and I had to multi task so much. My brain dumped so much dopamine that I was singing, and smiling and bouncing. I felt like myself.

This is in stark contrast to Saturday, when I went home from my shift an hour early and in tears. It was not the dick head customers swearing at me that caused a melt down. It was the fact that we had at least 10 people we didn't need and they were crowding me off my station and out of my comfort zone. They would not listen to me when I said I was fine and didn't need their help. They were not waiting on me, they were waiting on kitchen, yet they insisted that they had to 'help' me. All because what I do and the way I do it is not something an average brain can do, so obviously I cannot do it.

I have been the lone server at a private party of 100 people looking to get SHIT FACED. I handled it, and made excellent tips AND had an accurate alcohol count at the end if the night. Food service is something I have always excelled at, and yet because others cannot replicate what I do and the speed I do it at, obviously I cannot do it.

I'm just frustrated because I struggle with so much in my life. Why can I not just have this one thing where people do not doubt my ability? Why does my explanations of my meltdowns fall on deaf ears? "I was overwhelmed by the amount of people around me" somehow turns into "I need help making drinks and taking orders, so send more people in"

It is so frustrating. I miss the nightshift specifically for that reason. I cleaned and set up for the next shift, on top of taking orders and doing all my other tasks. There was me and one other person, maybe two if we had an event happening in town. The only downside is my time to shine is the morning, not the night. I cannot function during the day if I work nights.

Anyway. A better understanding of neurodivergence in the work place is sorely needed. They hear ADHD and suddenly I have this stigma on me. They see my struggles and instead of really hearing what I need, they just decide and don't listen. This is something I have encountered at nearly every single one of my work places. It's super annoying.

[nellkitty]

this emerged in my head when I was trying to drive

[nellkitty]

My lovely altar, which gets rearranged monthly

[nellkitty]

I was serving tables a couple of years ago. I had this great family, full of laughs. I got to joking a lot with them. Near the end of their meal, as I was walking to their table to offer dessert, the dad says,

"Guys she's coming! Quick, pretend to be asleep!"

Right on cue they all flopped over on each other's shoulders and started snoring.

That was one of the few times I have been rendered speechless. It was so funny, I had no idea how to react other than to laugh.

[nellkitty]

So, as usual, I am the last one to realize that I am not a "team player"

Not that I can't be a part of a team and want us to succeed. Not that I don't get along with people. People just overwhelm me.

At my job, as a coffee slinger and order taker at a fast food restaurant, it takes 4 people to do what I can do by myself. This is not a brag, it's a fact. I get a huge dopamine dump when I have to prep all the smoothies, coffees, juices etc, and take 2 lanes of people ordering through the drive through. Going fast and multi tasking at this specific job is my happy place.

However, you throw even 2 other people into the mix, and I start to have problems. I will miss drinks, get flustered and then my brain glitches. I start getting impatient and flustered. Any more than 2 people, I have a sensory over load and freeze. My brain decides to do a power cycle on the mobility and thought systems, leaving me with nothing but panic and anger while my reasoning has fucked off for a wander.

This morning, it was just me and a cook. I was taking all the orders for drive through and counter. Making all the drinks, bagging all the food, taking all the payments. I was running hard. So, when my managers showed up (one was 2 hours late) they expected me to be angry, upset, and bitchy.

Instead, I had the best day at work I have in a long time. It was busy, as usual, and I had to multi task so much. My brain dumped so much dopamine that I was singing, and smiling and bouncing. I felt like myself.

This is in stark contrast to Saturday, when I went home from my shift an hour early and in tears. It was not the dick head customers swearing at me that caused a melt down. It was the fact that we had at least 10 people we didn't need and they were crowding me off my station and out of my comfort zone. They would not listen to me when I said I was fine and didn't need their help. They were not waiting on me, they were waiting on kitchen, yet they insisted that they had to 'help' me. All because what I do and the way I do it is not something an average brain can do, so obviously I cannot do it.

I have been the lone server at a private party of 100 people looking to get SHIT FACED. I handled it, and made excellent tips AND had an accurate alcohol count at the end if the night. Food service is something I have always excelled at, and yet because others cannot replicate what I do and the speed I do it at, obviously I cannot do it.

I'm just frustrated because I struggle with so much in my life. Why can I not just have this one thing where people do not doubt my ability? Why does my explanations of my meltdowns fall on deaf ears? "I was overwhelmed by the amount of people around me" somehow turns into "I need help making drinks and taking orders, so send more people in"

It is so frustrating. I miss the nightshift specifically for that reason. I cleaned and set up for the next shift, on top of taking orders and doing all my other tasks. There was me and one other person, maybe two if we had an event happening in town. The only downside is my time to shine is the morning, not the night. I cannot function during the day if I work nights.

Anyway. A better understanding of neurodivergence in the work place is sorely needed. They hear ADHD and suddenly I have this stigma on me. They see my struggles and instead of really hearing what I need, they just decide and don't listen. This is something I have encountered at nearly every single one of my work places. It's super annoying.

[nellkitty]

[nellkitty]

I have a huge, massive, giant crush on my boss. She's beautiful, and sassy and smart. She laughs at all my stupid jokes, likes my singing and is exactly what I look for in a woman.

Unfortunately, when I have a crush, my gorram husband can tell immediately. What with the blushing and giggling and talking about it. So, naturally, he has to tease me and make me blush harder. Like, just let me enjoy my stupid crush in peace lolol

Thats all. I just needed to write about it, and she's on my other social media stuff.

[nellkitty]

Holy crap I did a thing. I went and got my car insurance all figured out. I have been 100% convinced that I would be riding a bike to work all summer. I had such anxiety about dealing with this, but it was fairly quick and so easy. I'm glad I bit the bullet and did the thing.

[nellkitty]

Tiny bit of backstory on this one: I'm a giant klutz with terrible depth perception. I'm also an absolute barbarian. I have left cat gerblin shaped holes in walls and doors, and I'm only exaggerating a little bit when I say this. I plow into people way bigger than me and they lose their footing. I have dipped my entire hand into a deep fryer by accident because my nonslip shoes lied to me about being actually non slip. How I haven't been completely maimed or killed accidently is beyond me.

So, that said, when I was working in the lounge one night, I had a table ask me for a dessert menu. So, I bounced over to the bar where we kept them. In a cubby. Under the counter. It's 11:00 at night, my restaurant server is done all her stuff and is chilling with me in the lounge waiting for home time. (Side note- she's a five foot fuck all roller derby enthusiast that would get blown away by a strong wind)

I bend over super fast to grab a dessert menu and suddenly everything is white, my face is somehow both numb and in raging, watery pain. I step my foot back to catch my balance. My vision starts slowly coming back, but my brain is still on high alert. I turn to my server and ask her why she punched me. She is staring at me with a mix of concern and "what the fuck did I just witness" with a dash of horror.

After she informed me that the counter punched me in the face, not her, my second concern was, "do I still have all my teeth?" I am a bit dazed at this point, and have completely forgotten about the table that wants dessert. They were the only other people there. The audible crack as I bounced my face off the counter got their attention and they were frozen in "omg what do we do??" Mode.

Anyway, long story short, I finished my shift and went home to bed. Figured out I had given myself yet ANOTHER concussion when people starting speaking gibberish around me. (They weren't, my brain just forgot how to english)

I went to the ER, and it was my doctor there. I landed face first on the counter, so my nose wasn't crooked. I didn't have black eyes, but he decided to do an xray anyway. I cracked my nose in two different spots, got the weekend off, got paid for it, and got a story that I, at least, find hilarious.

That could just be the brain damage, tho.

[nellkitty]

Years ago, one of my regular customers in my lounge had gotten quite drunk. He was an older fellow, and despite being a perverted old man, we got along just fine.

He says to me, out of the blue, "Nell, why do women hate it when I stare at their boobs?"

As I rolled my eyes internally, I chose to answer. I said, "my friend, there are 2 types of women in this world. The kind that get offended when you stare at her tits, and the kind like me. We figure, you better get your kicks in now, cause you're old and gonna die soon."

He was a bit offended (a lot offended lol) but he stopped staring at everyone's breasts after that, so....I win?

[nellkitty]

So, back when I was pregnant and working as a server, I had a lot of people try to make me feel uncomfortable. It's not an easy thing to do, as I'm a smart-ass.

None stick out in my mind quite like this one, though.

I was probably 5 or 6 months along. I was OBVIOUSLY pregnant. Like, I had my own gravitational pull pregnant.

I ran some food to the lounge where I worked, and placed it in front of a man probably in his late 50's, early 60's. He was not a regular.

As I am about to ask if I can grab him anything else, he looks me up and down and asks me,

"So. How did THAT happen?"

At this point, many of my irl friends would have gotten so offended, or indignant, or just plain shocked that they would have stammered a "fuck off" to him and ran away.

Not me. Enter the chaotic cat gerblin.

With my biggest, friendliest customer service smile, and in my chirpiest voice I answered him back.

"I don't swallow."

And with that, I bounced off, leaving yet another hapless victim (read, pervert asshole trying to make women uncomfortable) beat red and floundering for words.

It's one of my proudest moments, I won't lie.

[nellkitty]

I was triggered today. I feel upset that managers at work consider making their staff do their jobs is spoiling the next shift. The next shift should have to do all the previous shifts shit, and their own.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love the feeling when a shift goes smoothly. Where we don't run out of stock, and everyone works together to pull off a near perfect service. That feeling is the high that I chase. It's my dragon, so to speak.

However, dragons are increasingly rare at my place of work. There is no leader to help us find our dragon's path. It is each person for themselves.

When does it get to the point that my personal search for that dragon becomes so exceedingly difficult, I quit at the path I am on and look for another? I know there is the possibility of finding the dragon in the direction I'm going, but its going to be a tiny dragon, and not very satisfactory.

I have worked in places that pulled off a $10 000 dinner service without a hitch, despite being short staffed. There is nothing quite like that dragon.

I guess I am looking looking for that, and I am afraid I will never find it again.

Anyway, that's my whine for the day. My silver lining for today was I got to run my station by myself and get in my zone. I love it when they just leave me alone on my station and let me rock their world. I have a few managers that just set me loose and say "yell if you need me!" And I must say, having a manager with that level of trust in you really helps bring up the confidence level.

[nellkitty]

Tell me your parents are ableist without telling me your parents are ableist

I'll go first:

"Well, everybody forgets and zones out. Doesn't mean you have ADHD."

[nellkitty]

I talk a lot in real life about ADHD. I was recently diagnosed at 30 years old, and my current hyperfocus is learning about this disorder. My oldest child also has it, so it's important to me that I can help her with knowledge and experience.

I have been accused of using my ADHD as a crutch by my NT friends and family. Just because when I am working on my shadow work, and understanding myself a little better, I tend to talk about emotional dysregulation, time blindness, RSD etc. This is to people I care about. Trying to help them understand me a little better.

I have been misunderstood and picked on by friends and family my whole life, all for symptoms of my ADHD. This is something I am trying to forgive and let go of. It's been a tough journey. I am no longer a child. I'm a wife, a mother, a friend and a valued worker. I am smart, and funny and engaging. And saying that, even in a text post on a tumblr with like 5 followers, if that, was extraordinarily hard. All because of how misunderstood I have been.

Now, I know that sounds super whiny, so here is my silver lining. Every little detail of my life, every decision, big or small, has lead me to be the person I am now. I am just starting to like who I am, warts and all. Everything that has happened to me, the good and the bad, lead me to meet my husband. He made my life exponentially bye just by being in it.

So, I am thankful that, hard as the road was, as beaten and bloody from it that I am, I took that road. I drug myself through the gauntlet. I'm through. Now, different and more mundane shitty things happen to me, and as much as that sucks, I'm grateful that I'm here.

I went off on a tangent lol sorry. The original point of this was to say, please don't tell someone they're using their ADHD as a crutch, or an excuse. We are all trying our best, and I can almost guarantee two things:

1. We are more frustrated and meaner to ourselves than anyone ever could be, so save it

2. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a real symptom. You telling us that we are just lazy is the opposite of helpful. It makes us believe all those mean things we say to ourselves, and convince us that you and everyone else actually hate us.

If you love someone with a neurodivergent brain, help them find solutions. It's so much more helpful to us and everyone around us than blaming us for a thing we really cannot help.

[nellkitty]

I am having an emotional day. Not sad, angry. I cannot for the life of me figure out why. No disruptions to my routine, had a good sleep, easy day at work. None of that matters, Mount nellsuvius is ready to explode. And it's only 9:30am. Ugh