neilmanimtim

[neilmanimtim]

The big 3-0

Today September 25, 2023 I turned 30.

I usually downplay my accomplishments but this is the one where I can truly be proud of.

I can’t believe I started this page when I was in my late teens/early twenties and here we are.

As I sit in my living room pondering about my 20’s; flash backs of past events just unravel itself. Being able to reflect what just happened in the last 10 years.. is a blessing itself; To being broke, through the heartaches (yes, even the one-sided ones lmao), to losing family members, to the random fuck ups as a 20 year old, to meeting new people and to releasing others, to the wild nights at the Saloon, to the making out with randos, to watching your parents get older.

There were moments in my 20’s that were amazing as well; to moving out, to learning when to say “No”, to take chances, to learning after a failed attempt at ANYTHING, to finally getting into my field of work and excelling at it, to falling in love and knowing the true meaning of unconditional love, to getting engaged.. and to buying a house. To getting our Cat (Vance) and Dog (Remmy). It’s wild (to me) that these things had happened to me within the past 10 years - I can’t comprehend all the events that happened but they made me into the person I am today.

Every moment and every interaction has been a blessing and for that, I can’t take them for granted.

“So, now what?” Is the question I’ve been asking myself leading up to my birthday.

I want to travel more, I want to be challenged, I still want to learn more. I want to create a family (whatever that looks like).

To the younger Neil - don’t give up. Don’t try to follow anyone’s path in life but learn from their experiences.

It WILL suck but it’ll also make you grow into a stronger, confident, mature adult. But don’t forget to have fun.

[neilmanimtim]

Oh, Hello There

Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past x years. I don’t even remember when my last entry was.

I started writing these as a way to look back throughout the years (and hopefully learn from them) to reminisce the young and carefree version of myself. You know the saying something like “Growing makes you more alive”? Well this is one of many products of that quote.

These past 1 1/2 years has been tough right? I can’t believe in our lifetime we’ve witnessed a global PANDEMIC (and now maybe a 2nd recession). I’ve finally have time to comprehend and to digest this lately. I’ve been blessed that my partner and I were able to keep our jobs; I’ve been working from home since March 2020. Thankfully, my mental health has been great, even going through the pandemic and being home all the time (as a closeted gamer this was pretty easy to accomplish, being around too many people for me is exhausting.)

“Partner!?” You may ask. “Well, why of course ;)” He’s been a blessing these past 3 years. He’s been the most heart warming, loving, understandable, hard-worker, humble, family man I’ve known. It’s a “No BS” relationship, and I love it. Now of course, not every second is all “lovey dovey” bs you see in movies. It’s hard to understand and know what the other person is thinking - communication is KEY for any healthy relationship. We don’t assume anything. It’s the most realist partnership I’ve been in and I can’t ask for anything more. He’s another Filipino which (no offense) is a lot easier. Culture wise, how we were both brought up as children, the common virtues we share - loving another human being has never been harder with him. (OH we also got a dog named Remmy, hes a 10 month old Shorkie and we love him to death [we also love you Vance] He’s still learning the boundaries were setting him but it what it is I guess.

In regards to my work life - I’m pretty content. I’ve finally broke through the IT scene with my degree. It was pretty rough at the beginning - working through Tier 1 and T2 in a call center can be a little disheartening at time but I just fucking pushed through. I’m currently under a contract with one of the biggest restaurant groups in the US and we’re finally expanding onto other countries. I’m not really sure where to go from here but with my “fuck around the find out” attitude I’m not afraid of any changes.

We’ll see what comes next in a few months/years.

X

[neilmanimtim]

Other pictures from my Call Me By Your Name Japanese Exclusive Brochure 🤫

I scan a little some pics for share. 💁🏻‍♂️❤️🍑

If you like it Pls. Note ❤️ and Reblog 🔁 for Sharing to another Fans 😉

Hope everyone enjoy 🍑 

Edit 07/06 with +3 pics 😉 2-3 & 9(Oliver give a book to Elio /*Delete Scene)

[neilmanimtim]

[neilmanimtim]

I know you’re tired bitch but keep fucking going

[neilmanimtim]

Breezy Point Guest Sign-In

If I had the balls to truly write down what I wanted to get from this trip.

Guest Sign In: Joe, Ben, Neil

Visiting from (Where): St.Paul, Minnesota

Date (Arrived): May 3rd     departed: May 5th

Purpose of your trip: Boys weekend, to get to know each other.

How we traveled: Car

The weather/temperature was: today (May 4th) 52 degrees. Partly Cloudy.

What we did: Smoked, drink, bonfire, driving around, enjoying the view.

People I met: This is where it gets complicated for me. To me it feels like I'm getting to know these people in a personal level. And to me, being Joes’ friend/(the one i’m interested in), is falling for another person. Right now, i feel kinda sad. Because when I met him, he was in a dark state (no friends, depressed most of the time), and to have these feelings evolve over time for him - i fell for him. I accepted him as a person and whatever it may come with. But at the same time, I want the best for him. I want him to be with someone who truly deserved to be loved and experience everything with him. If I’m not the right person, then so be it. Or maybe I’m over reacting to things. That I can’t assume everything based on what I see. When is the right time to ask? Is there ever a right time to ask these such questions? I personally feel like I’m a very.

5/10/2018

Here's a little update about this whole “friendship”.

It was all based on Joe’s fantasy of multiple relationships that falls in this sexual spectrum and funded by this whole weed scheme of selling and buying. NOPE.

NEVER. AGAIN.

[neilmanimtim]

It’s Been Awhile

4/7/2018 (Finished on 5/10/2018)

It’s been awhile since my last post.

A lot has happened and I finally have the courage to relive them and to finally write it down.

I’m not sure if my last post ever mentioned that I got the Supervisor position at Lake Minnetonka Shores on July/Aug 2017, well I had the position then lost it.

At the end of the day, it was my fault. I fell asleep on the job 4 months into it. (Accidentally, trust me).

Here’s a little backstory:

Coming into a new group of employees is fucking stressful, especially joining small-towners. Their drama/attitude was pretty despicable to begin. I got called an “arrogant 24 year old” for doing my job as professionally as possible. On top of that, I was trying to find my own ground and how to handle my team members (or the lack of during my tenure). A lot of people questioned my decisions and actions and I wasn’t properly trained on how to deal with that.  My depression got to me. I lost control of the situation and the ride was over in a flash. I remember following Carlos to HR, not knowing that was going to happen. I frantically texted my old Supervisor and asked her if she had a position open (which was a mistake, btw). Little did I know, they were either going to fire me or asked to step down. (They know how hard I worked despite the whole drama and they were short staffed).

So yes, doing 12-14 hour days took a toll on my mental health. And with my depression/anxiety, I fell as sleep on the job due to lack of sleep. 

However, I don’t want to seem like I’m making excuses but these are the facts. But for some reason I don’t think people suffering depression/anxiety can understand how much is on your shoulder. With the added work drama, and backstabbing/mind games, my “career” deteriorated in front of my eyes.

So much for being a Supervisor, huh? 

[neilmanimtim]

Emotions/feelings

As you might have read from my previous post, I’m a very emotional person.

It’s been almost 1(?)/2(?) years of starting my anti depressants. I haven’t had “bad” thoughts about ending my life, what so ever. Which is awesome! I don’t have that “grey” cloud over my head which is awesome! I feel like I’m finally able to life my life and not be shackled by depression.

However, since I’ve been on my anti depressant I’m more aware of my personal health. I’m a very emotional person. I care about people who are close to me.

I’ve learned a lot after Daniel. I wish I didn’t fuck up that friendship, but I did. Exaggeration was used to promote thoughts in my head, even if his expectation wasn’t there. I truly fucked up that friendship and I’ve learned my lesson.

This also changed me in many ways. I have become more accepting of people whose views/perspective doesn’t match mine. I have to remember that I cannot control peoples thoughts/emotions/perspective/etc. Maybe I was manipulative? Maybe I over exaggerated a little; but I was lost in my own head/thought. I’ve learned that “reality” is a mixture of your own perspective and others.

10/29/17

[neilmanimtim]

7/19

Remember this feeling. 3-4 days off the meds and it's horrible.

[neilmanimtim]

Do you want to be right or to be loved?

[neilmanimtim]

[neilmanimtim]

“change your behavior if you're really sorry”

I’m not sure if I want to go down this path with Joe or to keep pursuing my career. I know, I know, “chase paychecks not guys” but I love the mystery he has. Isn’t that kinda fucked up? I am attracted to this white, bipolar, pot dealing, polyamorous, BDSM-centric person. 

How can I accept that he likes to bind people into a dark room and leave them there? 

How can I accept that he likes to be with multiple “partners”? 

How can I accept his other fetishes that totally scares the shit out of me? Based on my past “vanilla” relationship its kinda fucked up. On the other hand, how can I be so closed minded to this type of fetish when I haven’t been fully exposed to it?

I finally got out of Waverly Gardens as a Server and a part-time (glorified lead server. After putting almost 7 1/2 years of being in Pres. Homes, I finally got a “big boy” promotion - Culinary Supervisor at Lake Minnetonka Shores. I feel like a phony but I’m doing whatever it takes to keep this job as long as possible until I get sick of it. I’m hopeful in this company (GREAT benefits too!)

I can’t put all of my energy into both. I’m just not that wired that way.

[neilmanimtim]

Sturm und drang, Mike Hollingshead

[neilmanimtim]

Wow

I feel disgusted. I feel violated. It’s fucked up. But at the same time I feel like there is something pulling me closer to him. Isn’t that fucked up!? 

I really don’t know what to this at this moment of time. How can he come he just told me about this now? I had called this a long time ago but now I got the confirmation from him. I feel disappointed, for his actions and for my expectations. 

But I’m happy for him. As long as he is happy and content - then I will be there for him. He has found a better half of himself. 

There you have it kids, another boy who was deep in a hole (no pun intended), “saved” by yours truly, and then ran off. 

[neilmanimtim]

Thoughts and 2017

I don’t know why I stopped writing but I feel like expressing my ideas and thoughts without bias, mean intentions and fully explicit. 

Who am I? Now, this might get deep but bare with me. 

As I progress the world with the aid of my anti depressants and moving out. I have come to realize that the world is this bigger place than myself. It’s the second/third/forth coming of “adulthood”. The world is a big mess and I’m still in the process of it. I am slowly becoming a mature adult (if i can say that myself, but who knows I’m still in my early 20′s)  It can become overwhelming, but that’s why I think people really need to focus on themselves more. The idea that YOU’RE going to become the next millionaire, or to play with the top dogs in a big company can happen but it’s very slim. And that’s okay, because you're going to be the best person you can be.

I think I’m finally understanding the general anxiety my generation is trying to overcome. To become a better person than their parents. To make their parents proud and that sense of burden will sometimes lead to a state of panic. But I also think that my parents and their generation went through the same phase. We are just re-living it. This cycle has been relived a million times. 

I’m proud of my parents and I see them as the symbol of what the “American Dream” can do to immigrants like us. I’m proud of them.

As a gay Filipino, I honestly feel humble to be where I am right now. Can things get a little better? Of course! There’s always room for improvement.

I think my goal for this year is to be mentally stable unlike last night. To be honest of what I want. To be honest of what I need. 

To keep writing once again.

It feels good to be back.

[neilmanimtim]

ZAYN FOR PAPER

[neilmanimtim]

Goal achieved.

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