neil-youngs-worst-nightmare - Tumblr blog

neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 8 days ago

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I often have trouble in that I’m not even sure myself whether some of my behaviour is deliberately manipulative or that whether I have simply noticed patterns in people that are plain to me to the point they are difficult to ignore. I certainly have never sat down and thought “what can I do to make x person do x thing” but then again I also knew that If I was simply supportive and warm and stayed myself, as well as being careful to stay well behind the line of friends that probably, like it had before, what I wanted would be brought to me simply carried by the intertwine of two people with mutual attraction to eachother and a fair amount in common they can bond and relate over. I feel as if I knew where the tide was headed and whilst I did not seek to direct it I deliberately placed myself at the point I knew it would end up.

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neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 10 days ago

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Eventually it was clear to me that what I felt and what I wanted from this person was nothing other than love. I would often lay up whole nights agonising as I truly believed that even if they loved me it was not something they would ever be able to express. I was convinced I would live my whole life without ever hearing that they felt the same way about me that I did them. Then there is the larger ethical issue. It was my belief at the time, based on their own telling of their own experiences and needs, as well as my own thoughts and opinions, that to persue my feelings for this person would be to possible distract and thwart there own plans for their life. I have never met someone so sure that they need to follow and independent path in life. I knew from past experience that she, like me, is a romantic and the kind of person to be taken away by something special and beautiful and maybe to lose track of what they had been working so hard at. I believe I did wrong by not, at this point, keeping my feelings to myself and creating a healthy distance between us. We seemed to be only getting closer. I feel as if I love her and yet I do not consider my actions loving.

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neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 11 days ago

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I started to talk to her again over text and messaging. It was clear there was some distance from the time and sad breakup. It wasn’t long again till talking to her became the only real thing I looked forward to. The real focus of any day. I found myself caught inbetween different contradictory desires. On the one hand, I was extremely horny, I don’t think I had even been so attracted to someone before nor found sex to be so satisfying as that with anyone else. She seemed to have a favourable view of it as well. At best I had hoped maybe we might briefly revisit that and go on our separate ways. However whatever sexual feelings I had were quickly overshadowed, once again, by the sheer joy of talking to her. I loved to hear about her work, I think it made me feel, vicariously, like a real person. The juggling of social commitments, work life satisfaction, dealing with an awful boss. It all felt real to me. Like by association I had been accepted into society again. I was so awed and inspired by the way she could navigate a path though life, if often a difficult one, despite rampant adhd, severe trauma and the terrible curse of having been born a woman. To me it seemed like she never needed to compromise, she could be a talented capable lab technician one minute and someone introducing me to bands that would become some of my absolute favourites another minute.

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neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 27 days ago

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neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 27 days ago

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This is where I live. Just in-case anyone needs someone to kill. I'm a man without a will.

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neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 27 days ago

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felt very lonely after the breakup of the Gladstone house. I thought of Shannon very often but at that time most of my thoughts were taken up by violent rejection I had suffered from most of my close friends all at once. It seemed no matter how far and long ago all these events had been every week some various threat that had begun then began to untie. I spent about 6 months sharing nothing but occasional small talk with other human beings. On good Friday I had a last minute offer from my friend Thomas to take me out to see the band Civic. I had been day drinking, I often was then. I knew I would see Shannon again for the first time in a long time the next day, my parents had bought me tickets to see guitar wolf to try and maybe cheer me up and I knew she would be there as they tend to stay at her house when in town. But I hadn’t expected to see her there that night. In fact I hadn’t even recognised her. I was talking to someone right next to her for a good minute before I even realised she was there. It sent me into a spiral of panic. I hadn’t felt good about my behavior towards her even at this point. It was shocking to even learn that she apparently bear me no ill will at all. I managed to leave for a bit and calm down and return after. I made a point of trying to talk to her, it seemed healthier than letting it distress me. I felt like I was in love all over again. I’ve still never really been able to understand it. I would like to believe that maybe it all comes from somewhere sweet and beautiful. That this person is my soulmate and what I feel is some sort of spiritually ordained true love. Often I think its maybe that she had shown me love (In her own way) and made me feel the sort of peace that I had not felt since being a small child. It was good to reconnect and I was glad that it felt light and not troubled. I felt sad when she left after to go home. I saw her again the next night and it went much the same way. I actually had a lot of fun. I felt inspired too. It persuaded me to take up the guitar again.

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neil-youngs-worst-nightmare · 2 years ago

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