nayswriting

[nayswriting]

At my front door, he kisses me, and I feel his lower lip trembling. My mind is still at Nurses Creek, on Coral and the shimmering dead girls. I feel the river, the trees, the ferns, caught in their grief. Life waterlogged. Heavy as a dripping sheet cold in your arms. How to lift it? Maybe you can't, or shouldn't.

Lynn Hutchinson Lee, Origins of Desire in Orchid Fens

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“when the light is gone…” by Sandra Bartocha

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His voice had that light veneer of humor that we all get, because if we don't pretend we're laughing, we might have to admit just how broken we are. It's like telling stories at the bar about the worst pain you've ever been in. You laugh and you brag about it, and it turns the pain into something that will buy you a drink.

T. Kingfisher, What Moves the Dead

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the gateway

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I should have said no. I should have stamped my foot, or begun to cry, or icily demanded we leave right away. But I didn't. I loved you too much, my lord. I craved you like maidens crave the grave, the way death burns for human touch: inconsolably, unrelentingly, aching for the annihilation in your kiss. I had no practice saying no to you.

S. T. Gibson, A Dowry of Blood

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Lençóis Maranhenses, Brazil by Michael Anderson

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You made it into an art form, this quiet sort of violence.

S. T. Gibson, A Dowry of Blood

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Mount Rainier National Park, WA by Conner Denny

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Oldie but goodie of a modern!Jespar. Been meaning to color it for the last year and a half. Perhaps posting here will give me some motivation. They will probably not have boobs in the final version of their character—or perhaps optional occasional boobs?

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Snow • Groverh

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Some very rough sketches of my new designs for Jespar and Huì... more soon

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I finally read The Left Hand of Darkness and??? Despite being published in 1969, this book was way more relatable and true-to-life to me when it came to gender identity than Tehanu, which was published in 1990. The descriptions and language used for the Gethenians (though very binaristic) were very cool. I kinda wished it was an even larger focus of the book actually, though I enjoyed what we got. UKLG were you processing something when you wrote Tehanu, asking for a friend...

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...So I may have made a breakthrough today in terms of Jespar's character, gender identity, and the plot as a whole. I'm still trying to smooth out the details but we love magical top surgery is all I'm gonna say. I am definitely needing more characters with a body similar to mine now more than ever. Stay tuned.

Meet the protagonist of The Promise of a Shadow, Jespar Al-Madhi, drawn and interpreted by the amazing @tiburme!!

Jespar (they/them) hails from a country called Bhudaarat. Based on ancient Persia, the arid grassland-mountainous region is known for its culture of farming of large livestock and its glorious golden festivals in the cities. The region runs on a semi-feudal system, where nobles rule specific territories and gather at the capitol city to form an oligarchical government system. In addition, Bhudaarat celebrates expansive gender identities and sexuality, so Jespar and others freely express their nonbinary genders. The country is viewed as somewhat isolationist by neighboring regions due to outsiders’ confusion and fear surrounding the Bhudaarata religion and because they view the country as anarchist given the absence of a designated leader.

Jespar is the descendent of a noble, and their name means “bringer of treasure” in Persian. They have tattoos on their arms and hands that are representative of the religion of Haarat, said to allow the bearers to communicate with the gods, though this remains unconfirmed. Jespar typically wears flashier clothing than depicted to lean into different aspects of their culture and gender identity, but when they run away from home, they dress in the more covert outfit seen here in order to remain more under the radar while traveling in foreign countries/regions. Jespar has some rudimentary magical abilities but keeps this a secret, as tales in Bhudaarat tell of horrible mishaps that befall those who make dealings with the gods.

In terms of personality and abilities, Jespar is rather tall and lanky but also graceful. They normally don a laid-back yet lively attitude while in the presence of others. They immensely enjoy flirting and teasing. When in a tight spot, their trickster façade fades as they reveal inner insecurities and sometimes unhinged emotions. Jespar can be playful with opponents to the point of showing a dark side, easily toying with them in a cruel manner. When Jespar realizes they no longer hold the advantage in a situation, whether life-threatening or not, their playful exterior fades and they may revert to a silent, deep contemplation, something they normally try to keep hidden from others. While fighting, they mainly use small knives and daggers as their weapon of choice, though overall they are more skilled at manipulating circumstances to their benefit through verbal or psychological means than through fighting power and physical strength.

As they go on their journey away from Bhudaarat, Jespar faces many challenges as an outsider in societies that are less accepting of foreigners, those who practice the religion of Haarat, and those who express nonbinary gender identities. In search of what will make them whole again, Jespar finds themself in many tense situations and awe-inspiring environments throughout The Promise of a Shadow.

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an angle i enjoy in cosmic/eldritch horror is when, instead resorting to the old classic "the horrors being so incomprehensible that they break your brain and drive you mad" cliché, the premise is that in comprehending the horrors you are so changed by the experience that your new state is indistinguishable to an outside observer from madness. you comprehend the unknowable just fine, but actually communicating that to anyone else is impossible because they just don't have the mental framework required to understand it. the eldritch horrors don't drive you mad. what does is the ordinary everyday horror of finding yourself isolated, ridiculed and doubted at every turn, no matter how hard you try to make yourself heard and understood.

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fall in love with the agony of love

Rumi, In Every Breath

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“Wooden Guards” by | Lars Van De Goor

Regensburg, Germany

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Sometimes, you cannot survive and still be who you were.

Nghi Vo, Mammoths at the Gate