narnia-missing

[narnia-missing]

I’m done y’all, I couldn’t do it last year so I’m not doing it at all.

I started this eating disorder stuff officially at 12 but the bad eating habits went as far back as 9, in all honesty I felt fat.

I got older and around 15 realised I wasn’t fat, like factually, but then my focus switched from weight to gaining control over my life. I wanted to make my own choices and live my life the way I wanted but with my situation and my parents and religion and all that I felt like I couldn’t, so my plan was to starve myself and have everyone around me feel guilty and sad.

Basically paint myself as a victim and threaten to fuckin die if they didn’t let me live, the way I wanted to anyway.

I’m turning 18 in a few months, a while ago I came to a realisation that I didn’t even want to live that way. I didn’t want those things that I was starving myself for anymore, I still want control but I’m older and I realise that that’s not going to get me what I want.

I guess it’s a case of wanting vs temptation, I only really wanted those things cause I felt like it was expected or it would raise my status up somehow or maybe make me happier but in the end I now know it wouldn’t.

I’ve also realised I’m not really a good person. I’m wasting my time and energy on this stupid eating disorder shit it’s making me horrible. I starve myself the whole day and my hangry is like really really bad like I become a total skank bitch when I’m hungry and ruin everyone’s lives but then I eat and it’s all grins from ear to ear.

I also actually like my body, sure everyone has their days but after the age of 15 it wasn’t even about my body anymore.

A week ago on new years I decided being sad and pitiful wasn’t my goal anymore and I’m officially giving this up.

I don’t want to risk my future for temporary gratification. I will get control over my life, properly, permanently. In a way I can be proud of, not by hurting myself to hurt the people around me.

[narnia-missing]

My mom came to comfort me but it did NOT work.

[narnia-missing]

I went out driving practice and we drove past a motorcycle crash scene :(

The person was definitely dead.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I feel really like… really bad? Like scared, anxious, sad type bad.

Just a few minutes ago probably less than 20 that person was driving home like every other day and now they’re just… dead.

I was eating a soft serve while someone was dying.

They were in those body bags from the movies stuff and I drove as fast as I could away, I didn’t want to see more, but I thought hey maybe they’re just badly injured, when we got home my mum said she saw blood all over the road and my heart dropped.

People were watching too, how do you watch that? A dead person. As soon as I realised my heart dropped and the only reason I wasn’t speeding away was cause the cops were there.

To think that their family will have to receive that call, soon, maybe they haven’t even gotten it yet.

When people die so suddenly something about it just feels so wrong. Like empty and unfinished, like when you break something before you can use it but worse yknow?

Yknow when something happens and you think, how do even go past that? Like how is this something that’s not meant to change my life? I’ll wake up tomorrow and do the same things as normal, I’ll laugh again and all of that, even though I’ve seen someone’s freshly dead body the night before. Like it just feels wrong.

I just feel sick now, stay safe on the roads.

[narnia-missing]

Honestly happy nobody really uses this app, or if they do, they’re too ashamed to admit it.

[narnia-missing]

Dude I just had 6 slices of pizza

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My mom never listens :(

I get so annoyed when every conversation I have with her gets ruined by my siblings, it’s like do I not deserve to be heard too? I can never get a private conversation and when I tell her ‘hey sometimes I just wanna talk to you one on one, without them’ she ignores me time and times again and when I tell them to go or act annoyed when they disrupt again It’s ‘not a private conversation’ or I ‘need to grow up’

It’s because she sees me as her kid before she sees me as an individual that deserves to be heard and spoken to. That’s actually the main reason for a lot of my issues with my parents, they see me as an extension of themselves rather than my own person and being who feels things differently than them, and when I show that in any way shape or form they make me feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong.

She completely ignore me when I ask nicely. She brushes it off.

I KNOW I’m overreacting but still like you’re my mom too, I wanna talk too :(

[narnia-missing]

I have to do this this year or else 😅

Hahahahha

So fun so fun

[narnia-missing]

Today was my 17th birthday. I didn’t do much it wasn’t terrible but I still feel so sad and empty. Why do I feel like killing myself on my birthday?

I’m like 54kg which is ok but not good enough especially because I’m meant to be fasting this month anyway.

This shit looks gross lol

[narnia-missing]

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING FATASS?!?!!?????

[narnia-missing]

Hello everyone. I just came back from school and have been crying for the past hour, I don’t even know why ;(

I keep binging :((

I’m trying to do a fast now only 3 hours in. Wish me luck 🍀

[narnia-missing]

Saw a beautiful white pigeon today.

I’m scared because tomorrow I’m gonna weigh myself after like 1 month of eating whatever I wanted ;(

Hope for the best 🍃🤍

I also nearly killed myself but then I had the amazing idea of making a blog. I made this because I’m in yr 12 and this is my cut off, if I can’t make this disorder work by then- I don’t know, so it has to work.

Feeling sad, Feeling lonely lol.