nanaprose

[nanaprose]

It’s you

You’re so good at this That I almost missed The fact that you’re entirely full of shit You had me Had me believing You were probably Maybe completely into me And now I’m the one that looks crazy? But no It’s not me It’s not her Or the one before her It’s not a string of crazy ex’s You should see a therapist And talk about your parents Because It’s you The problem is you You’re so innocent Like it’s an accident And I misread every single thing you said You fooled me Into believing I was probably Maybe imagining the whole thing And now I’m supposed to feel crazy? But no It’s not fair It wasn’t her Or the one before her It wasn’t a string of crazy ex’s You should see a therapist And talk about your parents Because It’s you The problem is you

[nanaprose]

Morning Pages

I know Morning Pages ought to be done by hand but well I didn’t bring a notebook down and my handwriting is pretty diabolical. I guess if I did morning pages and tried to get better I probably would.  But I guess I’d rather type and it’s my life so here we are.

I woke up at 5am today which was pretty impressive.  I had been trying to work around a sleep schedule that was 10pm til 6.40pm and I did fairly well at the 10pm part but seemed to not be able to walk up at 6.40 and would get up everyday more like 7.40, and then still felt pretty tired.  I concluded that maybe 8-9 hours sleep is actually excessive and that I can function perfectly well on 7, so I thought 10am to 5am might be a better option, then I’d get a couple of hours of uninterrupted work, meditation, exercise, whatever I wanted in the morning.  I expect that I might be tired throughout the day but to be honest - I was pretty tired when I was getting 8-9 hours sleep and if I’m going to be tired either way I’d rather have more time.  

Trying to do a couple of things at the moment to try and improve on things - one is that I wanted to tell Levi what is going on with me more. I feel like he doesn’t really ever tell me what is going on in his world and so we don’t really engage in each others life, and then when something blows out and either of us get really upset - the other one is like ‘whoa, what the fuck?’ and has to have the entire back story explained and it doesn’t make as much sense etc.  So I wanted to make an effort to just keep him up to date with what’s going on with me, tell him what I’m working on, spending my time on, worried about, trying to do a better job of, etc.  And hopefully he’s reciprocate and tell me what’s up with him. I wonder if I try and talk to him over chat he’d be more open because that’s where he does all his outpourings but so far in my experience it’s all one word replies - I guess because he sees it as being fairly rudimentary conversation because I am actually just in the other room.

I made a green tea for me this morning because I wanted das caffeine but didn’t want to make a whole coffee palava. Actually that reminds me that I totally want to get an aeropress! So I could make single coffees - I’m going to write that on my list right now!

Done - I have this list of stuff I would like to buy but I feel like I don’t live the kind of life where I can buy myself big ticket appliances or decor/luxury items; I’m mostly talking things between $50-$150.  But I realised every time that I do my finances that I do manage to piss away about that much every week or so, just on random bullshit, and if I could try and not do that then I’d be able to buy myself some of these supposedly unattainable things.  So I made myself a list and I guess I’m hoping that each month I can save up enough to get one.  So now my list is as follows;

Scent Diffuser

2x European pillows

Festoon lights

Cordless vacuum

Giant mirror

Nikes for exercise

Desk

Rug

Aeropress

I feel like they are mostly pretty mundane utilitarian things but still, more than I can afford nonetheless.

I have spent so much time trying to think about how to reno me and Levi’s bedroom so that it’s a space that I could actually really enjoy - I find it so hard to love my room.  I am very fussy it turns out.  And the one thing I’ve been really set on is moving out bed into one of the reclaimed attic spaces.  That would give us sooooo much more floor space and I think it would make a really delightful office (selfish?), and/or just a really nice empty spacious space.  I did quite like the idea of it just being a big empty room, with our bed nook and see through shelves on one side and then drawers/storage on the other side.  I think it would be dang delightful! However I just found out last night that Levi really doesn’t want out bed in one of the nooks - I think partially because he doesn’t like change and partially because he thinks the attic space is kind of scary and full of bugs and stuff - which is legit; I definitely wouldn’t want our bed in there at the moment so hopefully if that is the problem then once it is nicely lined and looks all profesh that he will be more into the idea.

I don’t like the idea of just riding roughshod all over his opinions about the way our house/things should be.  But we consult about it so little that I feel like I don’t really have a good gauge of his interest level and so I just assume he doesn’t care - mostly because I spent SO MUCH time thinking and discussion how I think things should be.  Like I feel like I have held a very exhaustive consultation process - but it was all just with other people and not Levi so it must be a bit stink for him.

I really want to finish my script and shoot the dang thing - I also really want to move forward into more substantial territory with Rose’s script.  I quite like the idea of actually doing a bit of research for that script, like reading blog articles, books, documentaries, etc.  Mostly we have just been talking about it in terms of watching ‘references’ which are mostly films with similar content or tone to what we want.  But I guess I mean research in a bit more of a dry way, like actually educating ourselves about the content of the film - 1. people spacking out and walking away from their lives 2. life on a commune. Should be some fairly legit tedtalks/docos etc about that stuff.  I might start putting that kind of research on the TDL (to do list), cos I think it would actually be quite fun.

I feel sort of sufficiently morning paged - although I wish I knew how to be a little more... not just surface.  Maybe I need to look into some techniques to go a little deeper into my own psyche. Shall endeavour to do this.

[nanaprose]

5 minute free writing

tick tock on the clock here we go another show i’m going to write all my life and then i’ll wait and see my fate we go and we come and we see the sun and then we fall and it’s a all a drawl but when the sky it opens up then we’ll know what we fucked up, then we’ll see the real stuff that is what it is, it is god’s will and then we’ll know everything that was just for show. my lamp it shines, bright as any out there. my life is lifted to the shrine of my self and my selfies and i guess we all knew better but what’s the matter anyway it doesn’t really count in this life time does it? too existential, too much, too large, bring it down. the macro the details the specifics that’s what makes it real doesn’t it. the toe jams, the belly butt smells, that’s what makes us universal, that’s what makes us human. eye crust and diaherrea. All the things we don’t discuss but we all can relate from queen to bum, and the queens bum - she wipes with probably pretty normal toilet paper... just stuff from the supermarket i bet.  Who can be bothered with anything else - not her probably.  But imagine being the brand that could say ‘the queen wipes her bum with our stuff’ what a marketing ploy! Maybe they have to mix it up and use different brands all the time so no one could ever say that, they probably don’t want the queens bum habits to be publicly available.  Imagine if there was a super j-chill queen and she was like ‘yo, i wipe by bum with quiltex... and i use clean and clear ... what of it?’ and didn’t give any fucks? i guess people like pomp and pretension for a reason... so they can paint a picture of people different from them and make them out to be whatever they imagine, likes dolls in a doll house to manipulate with our fantasies of what it’s like ‘on the other side’

[nanaprose]

Thumbing through pinterest writing prompts on the toilet. Once the deposit is made she eyeballs the tiny nug that made it past the flush, throws her arms up in a display of lighthearted frustration.  She takes one square of toilet paper and lays it gently on top of the nug, like tucking in a doll goodnight.  

Over at the sink she’s letting the water run through her fingers absentmindedly until it burns.  It takes a second too long to recognize the sting, she pumps the cold on top.  Reapplies the soap and lathers up.  While generally a pretty gross human, washing her hands thorough is like her one thing.  Not in a OCD way, just is a regulation hand wash kind of way.  She may not have showered for a week or two, but she has definitely washed her hands regularly... right to the wrist, sometimes to the elbow - if the soap smells particularly nice and she wants to hold onto the fragrance for a little longer. Foaming soap is her favorite.  She hasn’t been able to find the coconut and fig one that transcends all other hand soaps.  This soap kind of smells like yoghurt so she just goes to the wrist.

Heartbeats - the writing prompt. She thinks of Jose Gonzales, The Knife.  Mostly she just thinks she might go back to the bathroom and flush that nug.

[nanaprose]

We have a metal coffee plunger so you can’t see if it’s full or not.  Every morning when I get up I go straight to it and put my hand around it’s side to feel it’s it’s warm - which would mean someone recently made coffee and there’s probably some left.  If it’s cold I usually curse.

I always pour out what’s left of yesterday’s cold coffee into a cup before going through the routine of starting a new pot. I think of it as my ‘emergency supply’ like... if for some reason there was no coffee, I could still drink that one cold half a cup.  I usually throw it out by midday.

[nanaprose]

I saw Suffragette and it made me sad.

I cried through most of the film and then I came home and cried some more.  Moon time hormones may have also played a part.

It was just so tremendously horrible to think of women considered a sub-class of humanity.  And people truly believing that - brothers raised to believe that they were worth more than their sisters.  

I think as much as I can watch Selma or Milk or any film about a persecuted people and feel empathy for those people and think about how horrible it was that they were ever treated that way and had to live through those lives.

I think watching the struggle of characters that are being discriminated against because of a trait I share with them - being born female hits home so much harder.

It makes me think about how scary it is that all people and at least the people in power can think something is true and right that is so unjust. 

[nanaprose]

“Fuck it, let’s do this.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“How would that even work? You’ll fall.”

“I could squat, and you could hold my hands.”

I had already torn a hole in my pantyhose getting up there and he always talked about how liberating it was to piss from high places. I’d be fucked if I wasn’t going to give it a go.

“We can try I suppose.  But you kind of need to be looking into the distance to get the whole experience.”

He had a point.

“Ok, ok... How about you piss and I hold it and look over your shoulder?”

He contemplated it for a second.

“Ok.”

He approached the edge and started to undo his fly.  We had just climbed about twenty minutes into the scrub of the Seatoun bush up to an old World War II gun emplacement.  We were now looking over the airport and the Cook Straight with Seatoun at our feet.  He looked back at me as he was about to flop it out.

“Come on then.”

“No, no, no.... I can’t. It’ll just ruin the experience for both of us. You go ahead.”

He turned around, broad shouldered and pissed into the bush.

[nanaprose]

simmy / simoon / si si

it is well established that i think

you’re pretty neat

i’ll try not to go on about it

but i really do think you are just

about one of the most awesome people

i know

but

hey

listen

i feel like i’ve been waiting

forever

for you to turn eighteen

and now you have

i’m pretty excited

because i think you are going

to be the best eighteen-year-old

in the history of existence

look

i know you hate this crap

but just shut up, because

i <3 you

&

i’ll miss you

[nanaprose]

A beginning, like the first page of a new notebook, is difficult to touch without feeling like you’re defacing it.  No matter what you do, you feel like it’ll probably be wrong. Perfect steady strokes, sweat beads almost forming along furrowed brow, (see I’ve ruined it already! Too many adjectives Anna!) and then the fateful fuck up.  The pen slips, you misspell a word, it just doesn’t turn out the way you expected. But such is life, a series of fuck ups that cease to matter once you’re onto the next page.

[nanaprose]

Emotions and a Lost Cat

So my cat is missing. I went away for a week and my flatmates told me that she was being fed by a neighbour (even thought I had left my husband in charge of feeding her) so I wasn’t really that worried about her whereabouts for like 3 or 4 days when I was like “Okay, come home now�� so I went to talk to the neighbour in question to be like “Can I have my cat back?” and when he told me that he hadn’t seen her for 3 or 4 days was when I got really worried.

First I had like a huge panic attack and was crying and hyperventilating so I went to wake my husband up and he was all ‘Calm the fuck down! It’s fine.”

Currently my thinking is; It’s not an efficient use of emotional energy for me to get really upset now. Either she will come back or she wont and it’s a waste of energy for me to get really upset now when she might walk in the door tomorrow.

Other thoughts that I’ve had; I got pretty mad at all my flatmates because if they hadn’t told me that the neighbour was feeding her then I wouldn’t have assumed it was fine for her to be missing for 4 days and I would have started looking for her sooner. Like that piece of information gave me a false sense of security so I was mad at them.

I was pretty mad at my husband for not taking care of her well enough that she started going to the neighbours, and now has maybe gone somewhere else, because she was fine when I left, and he was in charge and now she’s gone so he must have fucked something up.

Mostly I am worried that she was trapped in someone’s garage or something and if I had looked for her a few days ago I would have been able to hear her meowing but now she’s too weak to call out and/or has expired trapped calling out for me. :(

[nanaprose]

Today I am grateful for cups of tea which I sometimes neglect when I get too coffee obsessed.

I am grateful for Elvira because she’s so fun and her laugh is the best.

I am grateful for the gif of the raccoon with the candy floss because it makes me chuckle just thinking about it. Poor racoon.

[nanaprose]

I think I have two main states when dealing with other people. 

One where I am totally at ease and genuine and this usually entails me being quite funny, and TMI/gross which is my sense of humour... also can be quite open and honest about real talk things when I’m in this zone.

Then there’s when I’m not that comfortable (i.e. with people I have just met or don’t know too well) and I’m quite distant, formal, offering pretty flaccid enthusiasm for whatever they are talking about.  

I feel like I can flip between the two pretty quickly and when I talk to a complete stranger sometimes I’ll be one and sometimes the other.  I guess I almost immediately judge whether or not someone will be able to handle my gross/TMI humour and launch straight in or I assume that they wont and I’m really stiff and formal.

I wonder if there’s a middle ground.

[nanaprose]

JOURNALING

I keep seeing TedTalks and blog posts and whatnot about the benefits of journalling for general mental goodness so I thought I’d have a hoon whenever I got around to it.  Given that I already have so many tumblr accounts I thought I’d just have to fit it into one that already exists and my ‘writing’ tumblr seemed most appropriate.  I’m sure no one really reads this and I’m pretty sure I can make any “entries” private if it gets too weird.

First part. Gratitude.  I am grateful for my beautiful sister from another mister Chantal who is about to explode a beautiful baby boy.  I am grateful for her very intelligent and awesome daughter Elvira who I can’t believe used to be a squishy wriggly baby.  I am grateful for the pleasant Wellington winter weather which I always loved and puts me in a good mood.

I did rainbow hair chalk on Elvira and it looks awesome.  I left the top part natural then did pink then purple, then blue then green. Her hair is so long and awesome now. Beautiful blonde curls.  

I’m going to go into Wellington proper tomorrow.

[nanaprose]

Found this verse I wrote in 2009;

The store, the floor, the whore and him His place unlocked, I knocked on whim The door it swung, her young and smooth His face, the space, it did not move

[nanaprose]

Property of

Mt Albert Pak'n'Save

Do not remove from premises

[nanaprose]

The space

doesn't

make it

any

easier

[nanaprose]

Every time I think of you feels like an asthma attack.