mythbug-blog

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Yukana - My Girlfriends A Gal chibi doodle

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Hiei and the Darkness Dragon

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Elias Ainsworth Doodle

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The result of taking a chance:

It wasn’t just the way he smiled at me. It wasn’t the way he spoke, or the way he held me. It was the way he made me feel about myself, that’s how I knew he was the one.

From the moment I told him I liked him, one drunken night, I knew my life would change. The words just flew through my fingers into a text that I could not have stopped even if I wanted to. I knew it was wrong, I wasn’t single in the slightest, but it’s how I was feeling and I could not deny that. My heart had been screaming at me for years, “Tell him now! If you don’t you’ll never know!”

But I couldn’t. Not without fear. Fear of losing my best friend whom I had already lost before. Fear of being told I wasn’t good enough for him, because even in my eyes now, I don’t think I am. Even after seeing all of the horrible girls he was with, I still never thought of myself good enough for the man that in a way always had my heart.

I let all of that go that night though. “I have the worlds biggest crush on you” were my exact words. He didn’t deny my feelings, he didn’t tell me I was wrong, I did that on my own. I told him I shouldn’t feel this way, but I couldn’t help it, and it hurt to not tell him. He didn’t fight me. He just kept talking to me. He made me feel safe. The kind of safe I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

So when I fought with my boyfriend, he was the one I turned to, he was the one I confided in. Even after he got drunk honest and said “I’m kinda maybe completely in love with you”. Even when I told him I couldn’t return that love, he never once told me to leave him, just told me he wanted me to be happy. Those next two weeks were so incredibly strange and heartbreaking, yet needed. As the days kept going, I kept the argument going with my then guy, and he kept being my shoulder to cry on when I felt like an awful person. He took me out, we went dancing, and the entire night I felt as if a piece of me that was gone had finally been restored.

Sparks. Fireworks. Electricity. What ever you wish to call it, I felt it all that night. Then, the next night, we kissed. Then the night after, he took me out for the single greatest night of my life. We smashed bottles on the ground, drove an hour to an abandoned paper mill I admired, and just drove til about 5 AM. That night he looked me in the eyes as I cried and told me “He’s going to mess up one day, and you’re going to be mine”. Those words stuck with me so much, because I knew he was right. At the time though, I didn’t truly know how right he was.

The next day I ended my four year relationship. Not for him, but for me. Things hadn’t been going right in a long time, distance tends to do that, but even before that if I’m being honest with myself. I cried so hard all night long, even when surrounded by my friends and family. They were all there for me though, and most importantly, he was there too.

Since then, I’ve been feeling myself get pieced back together slowly but surely. Every step of the way he’s there. Smiling, laughing, constantly reminding me that I am good enough. When I’m around him I don’t feel as though I’m insignificant; I don’t feel lost; and most importantly I don’t feel like someone else. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be this way. I finally found myself, and it wasn’t in another person, I just needed someone else to help guide me like a lost tourist in the city that is my own head.

So it’s not his laugh, his smile, or how incredibly funny he is. It’s how no matter what, he constantly reminds me that I am good enough for this world. That’s why I love him. That’s why I know that my best friend for the past nine years, truly is the love of my life. And I cannot wait to see where our chapters in life take us. Together.