mysearchforwisdom

[mysearchforwisdom]

Breakup in the American

The first day I was numb. I literally went to a gas station got a 6 pack of beer and drank it in the living room floor eating pita chips and laughing at modern family. She txt me when she got home, and she told me that I was the best boyfriend she ever had and that she was sorry that she was unattracted to me and that she truly loved me as a person. I told her she was the best girlfriend I ever had and that I will miss her. She echoed the same sentiments, and I said goodbye and have a good night.

Day two was a bitch. I worked the early shift in the or that day. I walked into work, and everyone was going about the business of a hospital in motions. People where exchanging small talk and people where bullshitting. I felt nothing for the first two hours. The first person who asked me about how my relationship was going. I told her that I had broken up and I was doing bad. She hugged me. People don’t hug me. I walked into the bathroom and cried. The weird thing was this was the first time that I had been hugged in a long time where I felt genuine emotion. I realized I hadn’t had any real feeling with eh people I was with.

Knowing how hard I was being on her for breaking us up I understood it was me who should have. It made me very sad to think of her in a negative way. I Wanted to txt her sorry about us, but I remembered I told her I wouldn’t. there where these moments of realizes where I had nothing to tell her and moments where she had nothing to tell me. There where silent car rides and our dates where so mechanical that it just felt like work. I didn’t see it then because I was so proud and happy to be with someone that wanted to be with me.

So I whipped my eyes and I walked back into he department. People had spread the word because hospitals full of woman with a vested interest in your life care for you they let everyone, and their mother know what’s up. Someone put me on the go home early list. A few people walked up to me and rubbed my shoulder. One guy tanner pulled me aside and he said Hey man I think your better off. You see tanner was the guy who I would talk to about the dates was as going on. He is an ass but a kind and friendly ass.

Tanner looked me in the yes and he spoke. “Fuck bro it’s about time, you know you could do better than her and you know that you are worthy of someone who will actually care for you” I told tanner, “Thanks buddy your right I just feel hurt and unattractive and ill be like this for while and I’m sorry if I’m a bummer”. Another peer Alicia who I am maybe the closest with at my work was so kind. She said ‘feel your feelings but mopey for two weeks and then shake it off”. I am thankful for the people I work with.

So, the day churns and I get the work done. Josh another guy I work with walked up to me and told me that I could go home. I was sitting alone Infront of one of the rooms and I told him really? Josh said yeah go home buddy. I walked over to the lead in the department that da and I asked if it was ok if I left and she spoke. “Jarrod, you go home, and you be happy, I know it sucks now but you bee happy” there was a time in my life where I could have said I hated her. I have more respect for her every year I work with her.

So I changed out of my surgical scrubs and I drive home. I played bayside a punk band about break ups, and I kept thinking I’m not that sad. I’m not that lonely. I get home and I take a shower and my sister txt me “how are you doing” I said I’m fine everything is ok. I get home and shower and I sit on my bed I look at my phone and I think damn. I had made plans, I had goals and expectations. All those things feel away, and I was truly and utterly alone. I came to the realization that I was by myself, and I was going to have to entertain myself for the foreseeable future.

Three hours later I drove to my parent house crying in my car to an Aaron west song. I get to my parents’ house and i can’t tell them about the breakup. I finally get it out and my parents tell me they love me and its going to be fine. I thank them as you do. I’m lost alone and lonely and I drive home. Empty and cold.  For the last 4 days I’ve been drunk and depressed destroying myself.

It’s been one week now the breakup. I’m happy and I know I’m happy. I feel sad about it bur you know life goes one and I hope she falls in love and gets all she wants out of life. I’m just lonely again and living in my solitude so it is what it is. I feel like that one front bottoms song, I’m happy, I am happy I have learned to adapt I have a darker sense of humor, but I can still laugh.

[mysearchforwisdom]

There is always this quiet calm

Before the sprinklers kick in

And the soft mist of the morning

Gets washed into the gutter

When the safe lights turn off

And the first rays of sun cut the night

You’ve rolled onto your side

Fingers numb from sleep

A weird film on your teeth

You check you phone

With blue light crashing

You look to see something familiar

But it’s gone, or maybe it’s right

Maybe everything is put right

Where life needed it to be

Serendipity set back in motion

Zero notifications

Less distraction

There’s calm in the quiet mornings

Like there has always been

[mysearchforwisdom]

You’ve got someone infront of you

They are crying and your crying and the world is falling away

They are sad and you are sad

And there’s nothing left between you

She’s crying and your crying

And you just want her to be happy

And you just want her to be ok

So you’ve got her face in your hands

And your whipping tears of her face saying it’s going to be ok

But she won’t stop crying.

[mysearchforwisdom]

It’s not enough to be good and kind and honest you have to be what they need you to be o you I’ll be alone together

[mysearchforwisdom]

I am in love

I’ve been 1 month sober

I’ve lost my faith

This day and the days like it

Are sinking me deep into

Something darker than I’ve ever been

I have hope

I have love

This feeling is worthless

And I love

[mysearchforwisdom]

I

Mis

Having

Honest

Conversations

Regardless

Of guilt

Or shame

I want to share

My heart

I want to feel

What I feel

I want

To release

My pain

Or at least

Let it drain

Away

[mysearchforwisdom]

Wires and glue and time and space

Hospital gowns and blue dresses

Hand with fingers laced

Lines that spike and go silent

Hands press and press and press

In with breath 17% oxygen

Hands press and press

Lines stay silent

Cardiac arrest

[mysearchforwisdom]

It’s 2am and I’m exhausted

The machines and the monitors

Are alive and humming

The white coats and learned minds

Have long gawn

I’m here blinking

Stirring in the night

There’s a man in the hall

Slapping a mop across a polished floor

Im lying in bed

And the floors are clean

[mysearchforwisdom]

What Hong food wars

On my very large tv

Lining up dead soldiers

Betweeen cups of foldiers

Stacking magic cards

Higher and higher

Every year

[mysearchforwisdom]

I wash my hands

I do this just shy of a dozen times

Shy of an obsessive compulsive

But enough to wear the skin of my knuckles raw

It’s not the germs

Or the idea that I might be dirty

Just the hope or prayer

That some part of me

Might be clean

[mysearchforwisdom]

I called him by his name

And he by mine

We walked together

While waiting in a line

The two of us

Friends and allies

Both wanting for the same thing

At the same time

Eagerly intending

To acquire a passive apology

From the ones who screwed up blind

[mysearchforwisdom]

There are times like these

When it’s 4 in the morning

And I went to bed at three

Thinking about possibility

Or the emptiness of being

The kind of man who could see

Spieling into eternity without

A stable heart

Mored to some anchor

That when the tied hits

And I upend heaven to feel again

I might find the tug of bones

The flank of a chain

[mysearchforwisdom]

In discussions with the girl who serves me coffee

At the shop by my parents house

I learn about life as a 20 something

Filled with kinks and regression

Many of which I had smithed out

Over hours of drunkin nights in Florida

Hurling myself at every empty doorway

And hungrey eyed deity with lust on her lips

But a Bukowski I am not

Most of those bedeviled angels found me as a port in the storm and nothing more

Still inbeteween great big gulps of dream

And shot glasses that I could guess the weight

The gurl in glasses and eye liner wings

Tells me dirty things before handing me

My strong water no cream 

[mysearchforwisdom]

So I’m 30 now people are not like me anymore

The young seam strong and and strange

I look at my youth they way a child looks at his name

Disconnected from voice or relivance

I know my hands though

I feel the youth in my back

As I rack in my chair every time I try to stand

I can tast the first and last time I was kissed

Like land marks I’d miss in a year

[mysearchforwisdom]

I remember Babylon as a place in my mind

I’m touched by god or worn down by time

For me eternity was a theory written on wrinkles

Stretched acros the The grey haired and tired

No As I see forerunner in perfections on my nobody

Babylon or heaven or this great sanctuary of peace

Looks like a home not an eternity

Just a quiet place to sip coffee and Read

[mysearchforwisdom]

So 6 years ago I had a horable break up that ruined me and my perspective on happiness. I don’t think I ever really recovered. But that’s fine I guess. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. I think I’m trapped in this version of myself that I hate. I used to be good at stuffing down my anger and my apathy with vice and stolen virtue. I don’t know why all my old tricks aren’t working anymore. I’m just getting bigger and sadder like a mutant with unlimited healing factor but a slow matabalosm.

If I retrace may steps to the point right before I fell in and out of love I had started this poetry blog. Back when tumblr didn’t have ads. I think I’m gonna resent my life to that guy. Before rage and empathy 8 out my heart and poisoned the my mind. It can’t be any worse than being a 30 year old alcoholic. Oh well. Maybe my poetry will be good again. Maybe I will find some one. Maybe I discover that wisdom I was looking for at 24.

I don’t think any of the people who used to read my stuff are still around but if they are here’s me signing of but you know back in.

Mysearchforwisdom

[mysearchforwisdom]

Some times god is a pantheon

A host of heaven

Working meat like puppets

Flicking the dim lit

With the mashinations

Of a master veiled in eathor