myinvisibleyellow

[myinvisibleyellow]

I’m not over Charlottesville

I’m going to be honest--it’s been a really difficult couple of days for me. 

I’ve been deliberately quiet and withdrawn from my friends, I have “put on a happy face at work,” but then turned around and heaved a great sigh afterward, I have zero energy, and I’m unsure of what I need right now. 

To my best friend who reached out to me yesterday and checked in on me, thank you. It means more than you can know. 

I’m just going to go ahead & word-vomit a little bit here, and I think it’s important for me to just acknowledge that this post is coming from a particularly vulnerable moment, where I’m feeling a need to express myself but have been unsure of how to do so. 

On Sunday afternoon, the day after the events of Charlottesville, I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying, trying to wrap my head around seeing hatred this strong. For the first time in my life, I recognized what it felt like to fear for my life. It was the first time I FELT and UNDERSTOOD the horror of knowing that some of my fellow Americans wouldn’t think twice about ending my life, if given the chance.

It hurt. It still hurts. 

At the same time, I recognized that this feeling that I’m having, this visceral fear.... is also how black and brown people feel every day of their lives. I hold a certain amount of privilege by having not experienced this feeling till now. I hold a certain amount of privilege by knowing that if our political climate were different, it might be a feeling I never experienced. 

I’ve been feeling lost at sea for a few days... unsure of who to talk to, or how to take care of myself. Do I go see a show? Read a book? Withdraw and ignore everyone? Go out and try to enjoy myself? A glass of wine? A bottle mayhaps? 

Do I talk to someone? And if so, who? WHO do I talk to?

It would be in poor taste to confide in one of my black or brown friends. It would be totally acceptable for them to raise their eyebrows at me and go, “Really girl? This is my every day.” I am intentionally being mindful about this factor and not putting it on another person with oppressed racial identities to comfort me. 

At the same time I’ve been hesitant to talk with my white friends about it. And that’s not a judgment on how progressive or open my white friends are or not... but more just that this was something I wanted to talk about with someone who would get it. Plus, when talking to white friends, there is always some risk that it will turn into an educational moment for them. 

So who do I talk to? How do I authentically talk about my feelings while A) Avoiding educating someone, and B) Not causing harm/belittling another POCs lived experience? 

It’s been very lonely the last few days. 

I’m seeing that I need to surround myself with more friends who occupy the unique “in between” space of racial hierarchies, dynamics, and histories. I need to befriend more Asians, mixed race folks, Jewish folks, and/or white-presenting POCs. We need to reach out to each other and be better at taking care of one another. We need to create a space for us to process our own, valid thoughts and feelings, while also challenging ourselves to not let these feelings get in the way of being allies. 

And this is an open call--if you have been feeling similarly, please reach out to me. I’m here and I want to talk to you. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Charlottesville

I’ve been staring at this blank blog page for about 5 minutes now, not really sure where to begin. This has been a 24-hour period that I never expected to see in my life time. I never thought that I would live to see a White Supremacist protest/rally of this caliber... This feels like something we would have read about in the history books. 

Ten, Fifteen years from now Buzzfeed is going to do a “Guess what year this happened in” quiz where we won’t be able to tell if what happened was 1956 or 2017. 

What happened in Charlottesville yesterday was nothing short of terrorism. A young, white man who was feeling particularly angry drove his vehicle into a group of anti-White Supremacy protesters and killed a woman, injured many more. If this man’s name had been Abdul or Mohammed or Anish or some other such Middle Eastern-sounding name, the news, the President, and everyone else in the country would have had no problem saying “TERRORIST.” 

I deliberately picked the “less upsetting” photo of the car moments before it drove into a crowd

Instead, the New York Times had a headline entitled “Man Charged After White Nationalist Rally in Charlottesville Ends in Deadly Violence.” MAN. Not terrorist, not crazy individual, not even “white supremacist.” 

In detailing this story, they HUMANIZED him. They called him MAN. They honored his right to humanhood, to manhood. 

This would NEVER happen to a brown person who had committed the same crime. 

This is how I know “White Oppression” doesn’t exist. 

Because a White Man can mow his car into a group of counter-protesters because he felt White Folks were being oppressed and NOT be called a terrorist. 

Because a White Man can kill a 34-year old woman and injure many others while the President of the United Stated refuses to condemn him specifically. 

I remember being a child, and being so proud of the history of my country. I always knew we had so much further to go, but man at least we were past public Klan gatherings, right? 

Now... now I don’t know. I feel disheartened, discouraged, and genuinely terrified by the news on a DAILY basis. 

If you haven’t, I encourage you to read this Twitter thread--it outlines exactly why 

https://twitter.com/JuliusGoat/status/896326301832925184

We have to keep fighting. We have to keep pushing. During the first week of this new Administration I KNEW that the greatest weapon this Administration would have would be to exhaust us. So Comrades, please take care of yourselves, take a short break to recuperate, and keep fighting for what we all know is right in our hearts. I stand with you and I hope you stand with me. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Loving and Pride

Interestingly enough I’m not actually talking about the actual verb of “to love” here, although it seems extremely appropos! 

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of Loving vs. Virginia--the Supreme Court Case that ruled that marriage between two people of different racial backgrounds could marry legally. Mildred and Richard Loving, an interracial couple who were imprisoned for marrying one another. In fact they just did a movie about them called “Loving”... can’t wait to see. 

Richard and Mildred Loving, 1966

It’s probably obvious to you why this particular Supreme Court Case is important to me... being in an interracial relationship that’s headed for marriage (in just 102 days!) means that this Supreme Court Case is what paved the way for me to love who I love. While we are all probably used to seeing interracial couples nowadays, it’s still a very NEW thing in our history. 

It’s only been 50 years. If my partner and I had been born at a different time we would never have been allowed to be together. We would have risked our lives and our freedom to be together. 

7 years together! 

I cannot imagine living in a world where I could not hold hands with him, kiss him, hug him when he’s sad, laugh with him when something silly happens... I cannot imagine walking around in public with the love of my life and be fearful of being beaten up or name-called. I cannot imagine what it would be like to hide my relationship in any way from people. To not be able to tell my coworkers about the funny thing my partner said, or the really nice thing he did for me when I was sick. 

It’s not hard to draw a parallel between this arbitrary hate issue of 50 years ago to the discrimination and fear that is faced by queer couples. These fears that I have outlined in the paragraph above are very REAL fears to queer identified folks. There is second-guessing affectionate gestures, hand-holding, kissing... there is a great deal of effort to hide it from those who might not be accepting. 

This is why we need Pride. Because despite the fact that the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of marriage equality, there are still many states and counties in our country denying people the freedom to love who they love. Pride Events are reminders of when it was dangerous to be Proud as well as a reminder that it is often STILL dangerous to be proud. There is no “straight pride parade” because being straight was never a crime. Discrimination against queer folks is still widespread--transfolks are at higher risk of all crimes, with Transwomen of Color being the group most likely to be victims of homicide. Queer folks in Chechnya are being imprisoned and tortured. 

Loving who you love is still a death sentence in much of the world and in our country. 

If you can understand how ludicrous it is that interracial marriage used to be illegal, then you can also understand how ridiculous it is for us to be up in arms about marriage equality for queer folks. 

To all my queer-identified family--I am here, I see you, I love you, and I support you and stand with you! Happy Pride!! 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Hello or Anyung

A lot of people don’t know this about me (nor would anyone assume this once they’ve heard me speak...) but my first language was Korean, not English. 

When you think about it, it’s not super surprising. Both of my parents are Korean and that was simply the language spoken at home. Not only that, but my paternal grandparents lived with us almost my entire childhood and adolescence and neither of them spoke English. 

The way my mom tells it, I was so fluent as a toddler that people thought I was born in Korea. 

That being said though, I completely acknowledge the fact that I have an American accent. There are no traces of being unable to pronounce “f” or “r” sounds. I can roll my ���R”s. When I speak to people on the phone they often assume I am white. I’m kind of like that lovable Asian kid with an American accent, Russell, from Up! (though arguably not as lovable bc Russell is the best). 

When I entered pre-school, I was ridiculed by my peers about my lack of English-speaking abilities. I went to the public pre-schools and spent a lot of time there because both of my parents worked from 7am-7pm every day but Sunday. I don’t have a ton of memories from childhood, but one of my first ones was in preschool when I approached two twin girls (in matching white hats and dresses... it might have been picture day?) and asked them if they wanted to play with me. I am sure it was broken English. 

But I also know they understood me. Because their response to me was “No, you’re different.” 

Now, don’t hate on these 4-year olds. Kids are cruel and they also don’t have filters. It’s not their fault they weren't able to relate to the kid who could barely speak English. 

That being said, it’s a VERY powerful memory for me. I was ALWAYS different or weird or “other”. And my language skills were always the leading reason people didn’t want to interact with me. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence wishing I was White. 

So you can imagine that when I entered into Kindergarten, I actively worked at forgetting Korean and learning English. And I succeeded. 

I am no longer fluent. I am barely conversational. I can order food at a restaurant, and that’s about where my skills stop. And even then I lack the major vocabulary I need to be specific about my orders. Interestingly I can understand Korean pretty fluently... I just can’t speak it. My parents speak to me in Korean and I understand what they say. I simply respond in English. 

I have gotten to a point in my adult life where I’m kicking myself for forgetting. I wish I could speak Korean fluently. I feel like “less of a Korean” because i’m lacking this skill. And my parents always told me and my brother this: “You two aren’t Korean, you’re American.” Ouch. 

I’ve been shamed by other Koreans (family and non-family) for not being able to speak the language. And it makes me feel like if I were to go live in Korea for a summer or for a year, the Koreans there would probably judge me too. What kind of a Korean doesn’t speak Korean! In recent years, it’s been a source of shame that I can’t speak my Heritage language. But at the same time I’ve been allotted many privileges for NOT having an Asian accent. And chances are, if I had never forgotten Korean, I’d speak English with an Asian accent. 

I often wonder if my friends would have been as friendly/close with me if I had had an accent. I wonder if the job interviews I’ve had would have gone as smoothly, or if I’d even get an in-person interview after a phone interview.

How many of you would have wanted to invite the kid with an Asian accent (i.e. perceived as not being able to speak English well) over for a sleepover or birthday party? How many of you, as kids or as adolescents, would have spent a LOT of time with the person who had an accent you couldn’t easily understand? 

Face it. We treat those who have accents as if they are stupid (unless it’s English-based like British or Australian). We talk louder and/or slower to them. We purposefully use broken English (as if that’d help someone who speaks English as a second language...). We hesitate to interact with those who have accents because it’s embarrassing when we can’t understand them. Or we find it frustrating. Or we give up and just figure it’s not worth the time or effort to hear what this person is saying. I’ve been guilty of this. I’m sure you are too. 

I’ve heard multiple friends make fun of my parents’ accents TO MY FACE. And when I was younger, I let people get away with it--I didn’t want to rock the boat. “BE COOL. Don’t get angry about it, they’re not trying to be racist. Don’t pull the race card.” 

The honest truth is that my American accent is a privilege, but it’s really messed up that it is. And it came with a price--my heritage language. 

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it was worth it--knowing that many (if not all) of my current relationships with folks outside of my family would have been conditional on my accent... well, that isn’t a great thing to know. 

So do me a favor. Befriend that person with an accent that you’ve been hesitant about. Give them bigger responsibilities in work/school projects. They’ll likely surprise you and bring perspectives you never would have thought of. We’re really missing out on a world of brilliance by ignoring those with accents. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Meet the (white) Parents

Oh that dreaded conversation. It’s so awkward. Feelings get hurt. People get confused. Things are taken personally. Sometimes there is a little bit of backpedaling or “never mind”-ing. 

That sentence that so many POCs have to ask when their relationship with a partner who is white starts to get serious and they’re about to meet the family: 

“Do your parents know I’m [insert non-white race]?”

This is pretty much the premise of the 1967 film Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner where a white woman brings home her fiancee, who happens to be black, to meet her parents. 

First, if you’re a white person who is dating a POC, please know that this question is more for THEIR comfort than yours. It’s not because your partner is assuming that your white parents are racist, or that they think you are secretly racist. It does not mean that you think race is important or unimportant. To make it about this is to make it about you. And it’s not about you. 

Read that again: ITS. NOT. ABOUT. YOU. 

The majority of the time, it’s to avoid the extreme, stomach-wriggling discomfort of meeting someone and have them go, “OH!” while they are obviously adjusting to the fact that you don’t look the way they thought you would (i.e. not white). 

Here’s the thing: 99% of the time that “Oh!” is really just face-value “Oh hello, I just didn’t think you’d be Asian but I love you and welcome to our family!” It’s usually very friendly, and disappears after a second or two. The adjustment is quick. But the fact that there needs to be an adjustment at all can really hurt. Because it means the parents didn’t see their child with a POC. Not because they’re necessarily “against” POCs... but because that’s just not what they would have imagined. And that can really hurt because it means that the POC’s non-white racial status feels “un-ideal.” 

In general, we all still assume that people of the same race date and marry one another. More interracial couples are seen now, which is great, but I can say from personal experience that even in a “liberal” city like NYC, no one on the street assumes that my partner and I are together unless we’re holding hands or walking very closely. If we’re walking even remotely apart, I get catcalled. Right in front of him. (In a twisted way its a blessing because he can see with his own eyes that street harassment is not something women are lying about). Or when we’re waiting in line for a taxi at the airport and the person looks at me and assumes, “Cab for 1?” 

Anyway--this question, “Do your parents know I’m Non-White?” is one that can be difficult to hear. I get it--it’s hard not to take personally. But this is not an attack on your character or the character of your family/parents. It’s to make sure that the POC doesn’t have to deal with that feeling of “Oh you aren’t who I imagined my child with.” 

Hopefully with the advent of social media this conversation is happening less and less. But there are still plenty of parents who stay off Facebook and aren’t interested in it and therefore won’t see the photos of you and your POC partner attending weddings and going out to dinner. 

The fact of the matter is, when you reveal you are dating a POC, they will likely have the exact same reaction they would have had when meeting them for the first time in person: “OH! [1-2 second adjustment period]. Well that’s great how did you two meet?” But at least in this way, YOU can deal with that adjustment and spare your partner. It might seem small and insignificant but it’s not and it can make a world of difference for your partner. 

If you are dating a POC, and they ever ask you that question just remember these things:  1. It’s not a judgment on you or your parents-so don’t take it personally 2. If you have somehow not informed your parents or can’t remember, it’s really easy to say, “Hmm, I’m not sure. Is it important to you for them to know how you identify before you meet them?” 3. Have the conversation with your parents. It’s not hard and it doesn’t have to be awkward. You could literally fold it into a story--”Yeah this weekend we went to go get Korean food because she was feeling homesick. Apparently her mom makes the best kimchi!” 

That’s it! Happy Interracial Dating! :D  

[myinvisibleyellow]

About that 1 Asian guy in Get Out...

First a warning: this post contains major Spoilers for Jordan Peele’s recent film, Get Out. 

If you haven’t seen it, don’t read this. Go see it. Then come back. It’s an incredibly important film with some dark humor and creepy scenes. I’m a total wimp when it comes to horror/thriller films, but this one is really, really great. Go see it! 

So, now that we who have seen it are alone, let’s get to talking about this. Get Out is an important for so many reasons, not the least of which is the social commentary about race, racism, the fetishization of black bodies and black skin, and the themes of white supremacy laced throughout the film. I mean, it’s basically a film about a sci-fi version of cultural appropriation, right? 

If you haven’t read these think pieces yet, I highly recommend it! Start here and here.

I want to write about the one Asian character in the film. There he is, on the far right of this photo: 

He is a minor role, has maybe 2 or 3 lines, and simply makes an appearance at a “neighborhood gathering” that is mostly white. I think it is REALLY clever and really important that this Asian man, who is also a person of color, to have been included in this all-important scene. 

When the audience finds out a few moments later that this is actually an auction, the Asian Man who just shook Chris’ hand can be seen trying to bid on his body. It’s subtle, it’s clever, and I’m sure most people missed it--but this was so important to include. Because I’m going to say it... Asian people can be among the most prejudiced people I know. You can replace the word “prejudice” with “racist” if it helps frame it better for you, but there is a difference between the two words (just send me a message if you want to know what it is. No time here). 

Asians have a bad history of exercising prejudice against other communities of color, namely the black and brown communities. I hate to say it, but some of the worst contributors to the “Model Minority Myth” are Asian people themselves. My theory in life is that every single one of us are always trying to make ourselves out to be better than other people--looking at how Asians tend to do well in school, land respectable jobs like doctors and scientists, and how much money we make, it is easy for Asians to fall under this spell. We’re the “good” people of color. We’re the standard. 

But what we don’t realize is that the Asian community (and hence the Model Minority Myth) is used by the system of White Supremacy to continually punch down on black and brown communities. We’re told, “See the Asians did it, why can’t you?” and continuously used as an excuse to continue holding racist attitudes and beliefs about other communities of color. What we don’t see is that as soon as it stops benefiting White Supremacy, we quickly and easily become “the other”. 

For example, it says a lot that during one of the more recent periods of heightened racial tensions between police and the black community, the police officers who murdered Michael Brown and Eric Garner were not charged, but Officer Peter Liang, who murdered Akai Gurley was immediately indicted and charged and sentenced. 

More than this, though, there are so many stories that are swept under the rug of blatant prejudice against black people from the Asian community. 

Earlier this year, an Asian store owner was caught on tape kicking a black woman and putting her in a chokehold. Did you hear about it? I’d be surprised if you did. We’re 25 years out from the LA Riots that began after the beating of Rodney King. And we’re also 25 years out from the time Korean grocery store owner Soon Ja Du shot and killed a 15-year old black girl. This may be one of the biggest reasons Koreatown was central to the LA Riots back in 1992. 

There are plenty of stories that include Asian prejudice against black and brown Americans. But, like most instances of prejudice, one does not have to see these stories to know this is true--we simply need to look internally. We look at our families and friends, the attitudes you heard growing up, the times we’ve been scared when walking alone and seeing a black person or brown person walking towards us. Asian prejudice against black folks and brown folks is real, and it’s extremely harmful. 

Ultimately, all it does is solidify the platform on which White Supremacy thrives. 

This is why the Asian man in Get Out is important. Because prejudice works in all directions and we are all very willing to sweep Asian violence against black folks under the rug. We, the younger Asian generation, cannot be complicit in this any longer. Jordan Peele’s decision to include one Asian Man at the auction of Chris is ingenious and subtle and very, very important. Don’t miss this. 

It, prejudice and racism, has to stop with us--with our generation. We’re getting there, with more and more millennials being active for the Black Lives Matter movement. If you haven’t seen the Letter From Young Asian Americans to their Families about Black Lives Matter, you should check it out. 

We have a long way to go and we must first look internally. We Asians hold two very important things simultaneously--that we are still people of color who are disadvantaged by systems of White Supremacy.... and that we are also often used as tools to further oppress our black and brown family. Think on it, challenge it, and come join me in critical thinking about ways to stop this. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

The Importance of Jackie Chan’s Oscar

So I’m going to have to start this particular entry with a warning: this might get a little emotional for me. 

The 89th Academy Awards, otherwise known as the Oscars, was last night. So many wonderful wins--I was thrilled with Viola Davis and Mahershala Ali’s wins. And even though it happened in a weird way I was absolutely ecstatic about the much-deserved Best Picture win that was given to Moonlight (which I maintain is the best film I’ve ever seen). 

But perhaps the most personally significant win was not one that was awarded at the actual ceremony, but was awarded at the Governor’s Ball to Jackie Chan, a Lifetime Achievement Award. 

After 56 years in the industry and over 200 films... Jackie Chan finally gets to take this trophy home with him. 

There are a lot of reasons why this is important to me. 

First and foremost, who doesn’t love Jackie Chan?! He’s hilarious, blends martial arts skills with comedy in a perfect combination, has an unbelievably kind smile, likes to sing, and is a Panda Ambassador. Yes, a PANDA AMBASSADOR. He owns 2 pandas in China whom he saved from a natural disaster and is an advocate for the protection of the cutest bear ever. 

He brought 2 stuffed animal pandas as his date to the Oscars. STOP BEING SO ADORABLE JACKIE CHAN. 

I mean really though, does anyone in the world have a happier smile? 

Secondly, he reminds me of my dad. My dad is a goofy guy who can make anything into a joke (come hell or high water...) I feel like my dad has very much the same sense of humor as Jackie Chan. The combined appreciation for slapstick humor and humility and wisdom that seems to exude off of Chan really does remind me of my dad. This acceptance speech seems like something my dad would have done... (its the most endearing 3 minutes ever). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLQ1V_H7vh4

Jackie Chan is also fiercely proud of being Chinese. He has never apologized for being a foreigner. He’s fluent in Chinese and English but has never shied away from the fact that he has an accent. His humor and style translate across both languages. For me, having struggled my entire life with accepting and loving my Korean heritage, seeing someone love himself and his country of origin so much is really inspiring. He sang as part of the opening and closing ceremonies for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics (maybe another reason he reminds me of my dad, because my dad also sings). 

Finally, and arguably most importantly, I grew up watching Jackie Chan films. Not just Shanghai Knights and Rush Hour.... I grew up watching his CHINESE films. Drunken Master, Project A, Police Story, etc. I wasn’t close to my family growing up because in Korean households, children are meant to be seen and not heard. It’s not abnormal for many immigrant children to feel disconnected from their families. 

But the one thing my younger brother and I had were his films that we watched with our parents. Whenever Jackie Chan was on the screen, all four of us came together, literally, to watch a silly action movie. I could put aside my (valid and invalid) resentment towards my parents, they could put aside whatever (real or perceived) wrongs my brother and I had committed. We would sit in the living room, lights off, watching Chan literally bouncing off walls and using all manner of props to fight off his enemies, laughing, groaning, and “Awesome!”ing together. 

Jackie Chan’s films gave me an irreplaceable connection to my family when I spent most of my youth feeling disconnected from them. It was something all of us could always agree on--Jackie Chan is a hilarious badass. 

And now, after 200 films, he FINALLY gets to take home the most prestigious award that the American film industry can offer. He has entertained all of us. To me, it’s so significant to see an Asian take home this prize. An Asian who had to make 200 FILMS... TWO HUNDRED, to get a formal recognition of the sort. (I mean I know Dicaprio had to wait a long time but come on...) 

And predictably he was funny, humble, and thankful. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

“Diversity” or Tokenism?

 “Diverse: showing a great deal of variety; very different”

So many buzzwords this year, but “diverse” or “diversity” are always top of the list. With the Oscars coming up soon and with last year’s trending hashtag #OscarsSoWhite, we’re bound to hear more about this. 

It’s gotten me thinking too--the 2016 Tony’s had a #TonysSoDiverse hashtag trending. And a particularly triumphant moment when Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress all went to black men and women. 

Now, obviously Renee Elise Goldsberry, Daveed Diggs, Leslie Odom Jr., and Cynthia Erivo all deserved their wins. I was ecstatic with the outcome. I am also very excited at the nods films like Fences, Hidden Figures, Moonlight, I Am Not Your Negro, and 13th are getting this year for the Oscars. 

Representation is so important and highlighting stories that are not considered “mainstream” is so intensely needed (especially in the current social and political climate). 

BUT, do we use the term “diversity” too liberally to mean anything that is “non-white”? One of the definitions above says “very different.” Different from what exactly? What is normative? What is the go-to assumption? Who decides what normative is? Mainstream is often synonymous with “white” or “white culture.” Anything that departs from that is labeled “diverse,” which is a weird way of othering someone. 

So, maybe sometimes, the more accurate term is tokenism...

Tokenism is “the practice of making only a perfunctory or symbolic effort to do a particular thing, especially by recruiting a small number of people from underrepresented groups in order to give the appearance of sexual or racial equality within a workforce.”

It is a near-universal experience for any person of color to know what it feels like to have to “represent” everyone else that might look like them. So many POCs have the experience of being the “token” non-white friend/employee/team member/etc. We are often brought in so that someone can type “diverse” somewhere on a pamphlet or brochure. 

I mean, look at this round table conversation a bunch of Broadway stars participated in prior to the Tonys last year. It’s a group of leading men on Broadway talking about diversity, and yet I kid you not, there is only ONE man of color at this round table. (I can’t make this up...) Leslie Odom Jr., arguable one of the best performers on Broadway, becomes a Token. And I know this for two reasons: 

1. It’s a group of 8 men, 7 of whom are white (or at least white-presenting) 

2. The title of the video is “Hamilton’s Leslie’s Odom Jr. Talks Diversity” 

...

..............

I mean come on. 

Obviously we have some more work to do. 

The 2016 Tony’s were considered “diverse” because many of the winners were non-white people. But they weren’t really “diverse” were they? Not in the true sense of the word at least... Where are the Latinx, Asian, Native, mixed-race communities?

I mean honestly, just ONCE, I’d love to see a movie or play about an East Asian character that isn’t centered around how a white person somehow got involved in their lives (i.e. Great Wall, the upcoming Mulan live-action film-literally don’t even get me started, the Last Samurai,). 

I want to see more of these at the Oscars or Emmys or Tonys.

To be clear: I am NOT advocating for fewer stories about black experiences, histories, and stories. Rather, I’m advocating for more stories about other folks too. I want to see more Asian stories, Latinx stories, Native stories, mixed-race stories,..... I want to see people that look like me and the folks I work with be represented as main characters. I want them to be deeply complex, flawed, and imperfect. I want them to struggle with breakups or the loss of a child or the struggles of being the first person to go to college. 

I can’t help but be discouraged that it has taken 200 or so years for our culture to become more comfortable with portraying black stories.... how long is it going to take for me to see someone like me portrayed? 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Why I’m so successful at talking to my white friends about race and racism

In conversations with my fellow POCs (people of color), I have heard a few times that they are impressed with how many white friends I’ve been able to successfully engage in conversations about race. Sure they’re tense and they don’t come without some guilt, defensiveness, or learning curves. But for the most part, engaging with my white friends about the complexities of race and racism, recognizing their privilege, and pushing them to USE their privilege to break down racism has been easier for me than for many of my friends of color. 

Why is this? 

Maybe it’s the soothing timber of my voice. Or perhaps I’m just really, really good with words. Maybe I’m just skilled at getting people to see a different perspective. 

No. These aren’t the reasons my white friends listen to me. I don’t have magic words or attitudes that suddenly open the eyes of white folks to their privilege. It’s because I’m Asian. You see, as an Asian person (and an East Asian person, specifically), I am not a threat. I belong to the “model minority.” Look how harmless I am! 

There’s no such thing as the “Angry Asian Woman.” Not really. 

There DOES exist however, the stereotype of the “Angry black man/woman.” The “Spicy/fiery Latina.” Asians are demure and quiet. We’re stereotyped as the “good” minority group who just keep their heads down and do good work. We, as a group, are not considered threatening or toxic to whiteness and white culture. We as a society have come to expect aggressiveness or anger from the black and brown communities. So even when a black or brown person is being gentle, or trying to explain how a white person’s actions or statements were oppressive, we automatically see the “angry/aggressive” person of color and go on the defensive. 

If you’re one of my white friends, you know me--I’m going to push you a little further. If your first conversation about your own privilege had not been with me (or another light-skinned person), but had been with a black friend or a brown friend--do you think your reaction would have been different? Would you have been as open? Would you have been so ready to hear and accept these words from an oppressed person so readily? Maybe the answer is yes--honestly I don’t need to know the answer (so no need to text or email me in order to absolve yourself if that is the case. I’m not going to congratulate you on it). 

If the first person who called you on your privilege had been black or brown, would you have perceived it as a gentle nudge in the right direction or would you have perceived it as an attack on your “goodness”? 

See, I know I can have these conversations with white folks because I know they don’t perceive me as threatening. But is this really a “privilege” I hold, or is it another form of oppression that is disguised as privilege? I’ll never stop talking about race and racism and I’ll always take time to educate and call people into the conversation (as opposed to calling them out), but it’s still me, a POC, explaining and educating a white person. And while I’ll always do it, especially if you’re a good friend of mine, it can get to be exhausting. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Why that Watters’ World Segment is racist.

Many of you may have seen that video that was featured on the O’Reilly Factor where “humorist” Jesse Watters went to Chinatown, NY to interview Chinese-Americans about the most recent Presidential debate and how Donald Trump talks about China. 

First and foremost: If you haven’t, or you saw it posted online but didn’t watch the video--please take a moment to consider why. Is oppression and racism against Asians somehow more okay? 

Anyway...I’m not going to repost the video because I don’t want to. But here’s a photo of him and Ross Geller, arguably the most annoying television character of all time. Me posting this comparison is about as relevant as Watters going to Chinatown where it’s nothing like China. See what I did there? 

For those of you who watched it, thought it was funny, or was generally confused about what parts of it was racist, let me break this down for you. 

1. The opening segment song is “Everybody Loves Kung Fu Fighting”  

2. He makes OUTDATED references to films where Chinese people are featured (like the Karate Kid) by asking a watch peddler if they are “hot.” Because his understanding of Chinese culture is limited to a movie about a white boy trying to learn Karate (which, btw, is Japanese. But I guess we all blend together anyway). 

3. Watters clearly targets those who do not speak English as a first language. The most offensive of which is when he tries to speak to an old Chinese woman, who CLEARLY doesn’t speak English, and just nods along because that’s probably what she’s done all her life. That’s what my grandparents did. My grandparents gave up their entire lives in Korea to live in a land of opportunity where their kids wouldn’t have to live in poverty. But they never learned to language because it turns out that when you emigrate to another country in your mid-40s and all your kids and relatives speak your native language, you just never really get around to English. 

But hey, I guess if you can’t speak English, you can’t have your feelings hurt right? 

The worst part about this for me is not trying to imagine my own grandparents in this situation (although of course that hurts). Rather, it’s the fact that somehow he must have gotten “consent” from this old woman to air this on television. Her face isn’t blurred. So how did this happen? Did a translator come down to tell her what she was agreeing to? Do you think the O’Reilly Factor paid for a Chinese interpreter to walk around with Watters to explain to the Chinese-Americans there that they were openly and publicly making fun of them so that they could show their face on television? 

SOMEHOW I DOUBT IT. 

4. But he doesn’t stop there--he targets another non-English speaker about Donald Trump. And then randomly switches to trying to guess what year it is in the Chinese zodiac. Because again, these stereotypes and shitty 80s films are the only things Jesse Watters has to understand Chinese people. 

5. “Can you guys take care of North Korea for us?” That one honestly just speaks for itself. 

6. He then asks if people know Karate... which AGAIN, is JAPANESE. This question, btw, is so freaking offensive to begin with. So then there are segments of him “practicing” “karate” in a TAE KWON DO studio. Which is KOREAN. So basically, to Jesse Watters, his privileged ass can go around asking all East Asian people if they know any of the martial arts because apparently we’re ALL THE SAME WITH NO CULTURAL, LANGUAGE, OR RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES. ALSO WE ALL DO KARATE. 

So there you have it. a 4.5 minute Anti-Asian, racist-as-f*** video of a white man making fun of Chinese-Americans to their faces and getting paid for it. Oh, and obviously, he didn’t apologize. 

Because why would he.  

[myinvisibleyellow]

My Greatest (Crease-less) Eyeroll

Day to day, I live comfortably in my skin, in my race, my ethnicity, my smelly but delicious kimchi, my culture, etc. I don’t think about the fact that most people who see me walking around probably assume I’m Chinese. I don’t think about how much eyeliner I have to wear for it to show up. It’s just not something I bother myself with. 

But then there are these moments, where the entire world just stands to remind me of how Asian I am. How non-European I am. And they always sneak up on you! 

My most recent moment was trying to find a makeup artist for my wedding. Which just seems SO INCREDIBLY STUPID. It’s such a minor detail. And yet, it triggered a whole thing for me. 

I knew that I would be working with makeup artists that work mostly with white brides. Not because they’re racist... but because that’s just the demographics of where they live and work. As I clicked through their galleries, though, I saw zero East Asian brides. Out of 3 makeup artists, there were ZERO pictures of Asian brides. And again, that’s not their fault, but it doesn’t do anything to assuage my anxiety. When I asked artists whether they had worked with East Asian women, I got a big ole, “HUH?” response. 

I know that in terms of complexion and skin color, it’ll mostly be easy for any artist to find something that works. The thing I’m worried about is my eyes. When I did theater in high school, one girl who was in charge of doing my eye makeup told me, “Your eyes are weird.” She was referring to the fact that I don’t have a crease on my eyelids. 

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s an example:

My eyes are like the “before” photo here--no crease. (And yes, a LOT of Asian women get surgery to create this fold) 

Makeup artists often use this crease as a reference point--that’s where certain eyeshadows stop and blending begins. The crease can help make an eye look smoky and dramatic or cool and natural, depending on how dark the eyeshadow is. 

So I expressed my concern to one Bridal Makeup artist. She sent me the single photo she had of an Asian bride from years ago with the caption “they wanted a reaaaaaaaally natural look.” It was HORRIBLE. And I’m sure that in the years since then, her skills have gotten better. But it legitimately looked like this bride took her forefinger, dipped it into some brown eyeshadow, and haphazardly smeared it across the top of her eyelid. 

It did not reassure me in the least bit. 

The other two artists have not responded yet. We’ll see, I guess. The reason this is important, is that if some eyeshadow is placed too high up on the eyelid, it can result in someone looking a bit like a drag queen. 

Like my Halloween Costume (which was for a drag show, and therefore appropriate): 

I don’t really want to look like a drag queen on my wedding day, call me crazy. 

I feel vain and stupid for caring about this. But I do care--I want to look pretty for my wedding. And a botched eye-makeup job is bound to deflate me really quickly. 

When I went to Google Image Search and typed in “Asian Bridal makeup” the first 20 images are of Indian women. All of whom have creased eyes. So then I searched “East Asian Bridal Makeup”...and it took me a LONG TIME to find a photo of an East Asian Bride who did not have a crease. It was probably the 60th photo. All of the ones beforehand were of East Asian women who had the crease. 

This just made me feel like I’m not meant to be beautiful--that I can’t expect to feel pretty because of where I am getting married. And I don’t blame the makeup artists--if you’ve never had Asian brides before, you can’t have photos of them on your website. 

It’s just one of those days where I realize how Euro-Centric our beauty standards are, and how Non-European I am. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Hollywood--DO BETTER

Yeah you probably already know what this post is about... #Hollywoodsowhite! 

Hollywood has so much power. For decades they have decide who is considered attractive, who can be funny, who can take lead roles, what specific genders/races/ethnicities/religions look and act like... 

Hollywood is part of the reason why a lot of POCs grow up thinking they’re not important. Their cultures and races and communities are not represented and if they are, often are done so in an extremely negative light. Black people are poor and support gang-life and are thugs. Brown people are either Gandhi or terrorists (and there are legitimately people who believe Gandhi was a terrorist... good lord). Natives were vicious brutes without culture. East Asians were quiet and submissive and easy to boss around. 

These stereotypes are so obviously harmful. 

We currently live in a very tumultuous time--but there ARE things that are happening. Progress is always slow, because those who are fighting for progress are fighting against those in power. That takes a lot of constant and never-ending energy. But it happens. My nieces are all under the age of 10. They are growing up in a country where having a black president is no big deal! That’s amazing! The next time a black man runs they won’t even blink an eye. A woman has been nominated for the Presidential bid... they live in a time where it’s not really a big deal that a woman can BE president. 

It doesn’t feel like a lot, but it is. More and more this country is starting to embrace (even if begrudgingly) more conversations about racism, sexism, homophobia, Islamaphobia, transphobia, ableism, ageism, fatphobia, and so many other difficult conversations that would NEVER have taken place 50 years ago. 

That’s why it’s so profoundly disappointing that an enormous and powerful entity like Hollywood, which is typically known for its more progressive-thinking artists, is sucking SO BAD at this right now. For two years in a row, the Oscars have been dominated by white actors and actresses. Now that’s not to say that they didn’t deserve those nods.... but there were plenty of actors and actresses of color that could have been in those lists. Idris Elba, for Beasts of No Nation, got nothing. That movie was INCREDIBLE. 

I wanted to be an actress when I was in high school. I did. I started working on my portfolio for theater work at my college. I wanted to start looking into photographers for headshots. But reality kicked in. A) Nobody believed I could do it and B) besides Lucy Lui and the occasional appearance by Xhang Xia, there were no mainstream actresses that looked like me. My story, my race, my ethnicity were completely gone. Erased. Invisibilized. And the thing is, I don’t even blame those people in my life who didn’t believe I could “make it.” They had the same reason for believing that, that I did--no one in Hollywood is Asian. No one looks like me. 

My cousin is half Korean, half white and trying to make it in Hollywood. She’s been there for 15 years. She looks “too white” for Asian roles and she looks “too Asian” for white roles. I see so many movies and shows with roles that I think she could kick ass in. But on account of her racial ambiguity, I believe a lot of opportunities have passed her up. 

I’m happy that Asian actors and actresses are starting to come up more and more. I’m glad that the fierce Constance Wu called out Hollywood for casting Matt Damon as a dragon-slayer who protected and saved ancient China. (I mean, really? REALLY?!) I love Matt Damon. I love the Bourne movies and overall, I think he’s a phenomenal actor. I mean, the Departed... come on! SO GOOD. 

It is up to white actors like Matt Damon to say NO to these roles and point out the very obvious flaw in them. Because even if they didn’t mean to, they perpetuate really awful stereotypes of People of Color needing to be saved by the White man from dragons, enemies, and themselves. There are so many stories in history where “White man save Brutes from themselves.” 

No. Enough of this. There are PLENTY of badass Asian actors who could have taken this role. (Daniel Day Kim, John Cho, Steven Yeun, Daniel Henney...) 

Honestly think about how cool some roles would be if Asian actors and actresses were in them. (Google “Starring John Cho” for examples)

I can’t stress enough how important representation is. Little boys and girls (my nieces) are all watching these movies. And they are internalizing messages about themselves, and about other people who look a certain way. 

Hollywood, you know better. So do better. It’s freaking 2016. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

I Finally Understand Trump’s Rise to Power

Okay this isn’t EXACTLY about race or being Asian... but I wanted to write this down. I have had an epiphany. I can’t take full credit, as it was the one and only John Oliver that led me to realization. In fact, it may be that he had the epiphany for me and I’m adding my own language to it. Regardless, I think I finally understand Trump’s rise to power. 

Okay. First, if you have the 10 minutes to spare, this post will make a lot more sense once you’ve watched this video. (Be forewarned that it is very obviously biased towards liberal/Democratic ideas and that it DOES take a giant crap all over the RNC. If you think you can’t handle that, I don’t even know why you might have opened this post). 

Okay, pretty good right? Great! Thanks Mr. Oliver!! 

So here I am watching this bit, and my social work brain kicks in. We talk about power, privilege, and oppression all the time in social work school and try to understand the specifics of each, how they interplay with one another, and how it affects how we view the world and the people in it. Got that? Great. If you want to know more about power, privilege, and oppression, I recommend this easy-to-read article. 

In my work as a social worker and also as a human trying to be the best version of myself possible, I have come to realize one very real thing that happens when one is confronted with their own privilege: The FEELINGS of the privileged individual are considered more important than the TRAUMA of the oppressed individual. 

Think about this. When white people are confronted with racial privilege, the first things they say are “Well I am not racist!” or “I have a [insert race] friend!” or even something like, “You don’t know me.” Overall, the experience is that the person being confronted gets defensive because what you’re accusing them of having makes them feel like a bad person. Makes them FEEL like a bad person. 

I’ll share my own example of privilege. In the past year or two I have come face-to-face with my own thin privilege. For those of you unfamiliar--it’s the privilege of being a size that is considered “normative” and “acceptable.” I’m not a model, by any means--but I AM thin. I can walk into a clothing store and be certain that I’ll find clothes that fit and won’t have to pay extra for them. People don’t look at me with disgust when I get on a bus or airplane. I’m not judged when I eat a slice of pizza. I have thin privilege. And I REALLY did not want to admit that. For a long time. Because for a long time I felt defensive and hurt--like how someone else’s body image issues were somehow worse than my own. I have body image issues too--fat people don’t get to own that! 

It took me longer than I want to admit to realize that this simply wasn’t the case. That yes, while I have body image issues and they are valid... the daily experience of oppression that fat people in our culture face is traumatic. 

For months, a friend of mine who identifies as fat and works in plus-sized fashion, would keep trying to feed me little kernels about my privilege. I pushed back. I got mad at her because she was making me FEEL like I was a bad friend. I’m a social worker, of course I get it! (No, I don’t). It was painful for me to realize that now only was I privileged, but my denial of it deep down was causing me to oppress my friend. I was being oppressive. And I hated myself for it. 

Every time she brought it up, MY feelings were more important to me than HER trauma. 

So what does this have to do with the RNC and Donald Trump? Well John Oliver does a pretty good job of pointing it out--a lot of conservative people (and certainly not all!) are feeling some things and placing those feelings above all else. 

This sentence explains so much about why people are so resistant to acknowledging areas of their life where they hold privilege. It makes them feel like bad people. It makes them feel like others aren’t giving them the credit they deserve. It makes them feel diminished about their accomplishments. Their FEELINGS trump real, lived TRAUMA. 

And, you don’t have to feel bad about yourself if you just deny that the reality of others is a lie or an exaggeration. 

So of course Donald Trump has risen to power. If there is one thing this man has always been able to do well, it is to make people feel things. Anger, hope, resentment, disbelief, whatever it is--he is gifted in harnessing emotion. His rise to power explains why there are so many angry people ready to support an impossible wall and a xenophobic ban on Muslims. 

People with privilege are starting to feel oppressed. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Black Lives Matter

 thought about trying to come up with a more clever title for this one, but honestly nothing else fits other than this: Black Lives Matter. 

But you wouldn’t think so from the way we treat black people in America. Our ancestors forced them to come here in bondage, abused them, treated them like animals, ripped away their African language, heritage and religions, and forced them to help build the country we live in now. A country, that apparently, is not FOR them. 

There have been TWO murders of black men by police in as many days. 

And the worst part, is that they simply join a long and growing list of black people in America killed by police. For anyone to say that this isn’t “racial” is living in complete denial. 

How can you look at the statistics and still say, “Well he/she shouldn’t have been [some activity that definitely did not merit an execution].” 

EVERY single police officer who has murdered a black person in the past decade has said the exact same thing: they feared for their lives. And look, I’m sure that in some cases that was genuinely true. I’m sure a lot of those officers really did FEAR for their lives/safety in the moments preceding their snap judgments. But that’s just the problem--what IS it about a black man or black woman that triggers a fear in police officers? WHY is it that a black person sitting in a car reaching for their license and registration triggers such an INTENSE reaction as to reach for the most lethal option available? Why is it that this NEVER happens to white people? Or East Asian people? 

The answer is simple, and I think you know it: inherent Racist beliefs.

The thing is that racist beliefs and prejudices are SO INGRAINED in our psyches, that it causes violent and lethal reactions to black people doing ordinary things in life. 

As an East Asian person (and I think it’s important to point out that I’m East Asian, and not Middle-Eastern or Southeast Asian even): I hold racial privilege. This is a privilege that Middle-Eastern and Southeast Asian people are not guaranteed.

I know that if I am pulled over because of a broken tail-light, I will mostly likely be driving away from that situation whole. If I am searched at the airport or in a subway station, I know that is random. Let me be clear: This is NOT the case for my black brothers and sisters. As a person of color, I am hurting. As an ally, I am hurting. THIS NEEDS TO END. 

Don’t tell me that Alton Sterling and Philando Castile shouldn’t have had a gun when the same people who tend to believe in gun ownership for protection are the ones who point to “black on black” crime and blindly defend police officers who were DEFINITELY in the wrong.

Everyone deserves an answer to “Why am I being arrested?” without paying for it with their lives.

STOP using black people as target practice. 

STOP saying that resisting arrest or asking why they’re being arrested or committing a previous misdemeanor or having a joint on them is viable cause for a public execution. 

STOP protecting officers who are clearly in the wrong. 

How do we fight inherent racist beliefs? Educate yourselves. Read articles. Read Michelle Alexander’s “The New Jim Crow.” Watch videos on race and racism. And most importantly, LISTEN and BELIEVE your colleagues and friends who are people of color when they say they are oppressed and being killed off. 

If you’re not sure where to start, I suggest here: http://citizenshipandsocialjustice.com/2015/07/10/curriculum-for-white-americans-to-educate-themselves-on-race-and-racism/

When my white ally friends post about how angry they feel and my black friends post about how scared they are to leave their homes--THAT is proof that racism is real. Racism is dangerous. And white privilege is what allows you to ignore it all. 

[myinvisibleyellow]

AM I good-looking though?

Growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood with a predominantly white media taught me one big lesson in life, early on: I am not attractive. 

As a kid, I remember being probably 10 years old and looking at myself in the mirror while experiencing a truly profound degree of sadness. “I am so ugly.” I hated it so much--mirrors were my worst enemy, I thought I had weird eyebrows, my eyes were too small, my nose was too round, my face too square-shaped... It would take me years and years before I realized that I didn’t think I was pretty because I wasn’t white. All of my features are strictly non-white. 

And this makes sense, given where I grew up and the fact that all of our “hottest celebrities” are white. The “hot” people growing up were Britney Spears, Mandy Moore, and Katie Holmes. I had posters of N’Sync and Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. I literally had ZERO celebrities of color to admire and idolize and pine after. 

Obviously, this isn’t to say that ALL white people are attractive and ALL white people have oval shaped faces with point noses, big eyes, and long beautiful flowing hair. BUT--I will say that this is what determines who is deemed conventionally beautiful. Even in many of our celebrities of color who have beauty we praise have “white” features. Lupita Nyong’o, easily one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood currently, has dark skin, but “white” features. Oval face, thin, smaller lips. Think about it. 

I grew up thinking I was very unattractive. In 7th grade I was hanging out with this girl and guy... we were talking about pickup lines and how silly some of them were. I wondered out loud, “I’ve never had someone use a pick-up line on me” to which the boy nonchalantly said, “Well of course not, you’re not hot.” 

I brushed it off at the time--what he said wasn’t a surprise to me. In fact, I agreed with him. But that doesn’t mean it hurts less--it just confirmed to me what I had long-suspected--boys did not find my attractive. 

This led to years of insecurity, low self-esteem, and frustration. 

My best friend was (and still is) incredibly attractive. So it didn’t take me long for me to resign myself to being “the bubbly, funny girl.” 

I eventually came out of this haze--somewhere between sophomore and junior year of high school I finally grew into myself physically and mentally. I stopped caring what others thought, got rid of my glasses, grew out my hair, and adopted a style that wasn’t what my mom laid out for me in the mornings. My lack of care (which was really just normal teenage angst) turned out to make me even funnier because I was suddenly not trying to make people laugh. I was funny because I was cynical and bitter. (I mean, why do you think Louis CK is so popular?) 

I think the most frustrating thing for me now, though, is that my entire race and gender is fetishized to the point of puking. Literally, if you type in “asian women” into the Google Image search, the first photos are hyper-sexualized Asian women wearing very little clothing. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard, “Oh I’m really into Asian girls.” 

This emoji accurately describes how I feel when I hear that. And here’s why:

When someone says that to me, it means they ONLY see my race and gender. It means that the ONLY reason they are attracted to me is my physical presentation. It doesn’t matter how successful or smart of funny I am if I’m an Asian woman. 

But more than that, there are such incredibly oppressive expectations when it comes to Asian women. Men think Asian women are quiet and demure, want them to be obedient and shy and submissive--but open to whatever they might want sexually. Asian women are considered “exotic.” We’re treated like a box on a BINGO card-- “I’ve never been with an Asian woman before...” 

When men say that, it’s also not that they’re into “Asian women.” They’re into what they think Asian women “Should” look like--long black hair, big eyes, impossibly skinny, bonus points if she has boobs, thin face, pointy nose, --in other words, they’re attracted to white-Asian women. And when they find this “ideal” woman--they diminish her to not only just her looks (which is something that happens to all women all the time), but they diminish her to her race and all the expectations that come with that. 

If she doesn’t fit the bill, she’s not worth the time--sometimes men will compliment an average/plain Asian woman because he expects her to be grateful for praise and attention. Don’t even get me started on that. But if she does fit the bill--any of her other attributes and accomplishments don’t matter. 

This is what happens when racism and sexism mate. Its disgusting child is fetishism. 

I can happily say that I’m come a long way from my preteen years--I think I’m an attractive person overall. But it took a LOT of reflecting, thinking, and active work to get to a point where I could say that--and even now there are times where I doubt it. I had to actively look for explanations and get really cerebral to understand why I spent most of my life feeling ugly and unworthy. 

So to all my Asian ladies out there--you ARE beautiful. Not because some creep on Tinder said so and not because Lucy Lui is in Hollywood. You’re beautiful because you’re you--all of your work, achievements, and personality quirks. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise! 

[myinvisibleyellow]

Navigating Yellow Fit in a White World

I’ve always found it so funny that in the Simpsons, the white people skin color is yellow, and the Asian people skin color is white. 

My parents emigrated from South Korea. My dad had been here for about 8 years before my mother came over, so by the time my mom came over to be with my dad, he had already become fluent in English. My mother spoke and understood nothing upon her arrival.

In fact, my mother had to take an international flight from Seoul to LAX and transfer planes to get to Colorado. Having never traveled internationally before PLUS a blatant language barrier, however, she wasn’t completely clear on how layovers worked. She missed her flight to Denver. Weeping and scared, my mom called my dad using one of the airport payphones. My dad drove the 15-16 hours to pick up my mom from LAX airport.

My parents’ love story is actually pretty great--but that’s another post for another time. 

I grew up in a mostly middle-class, white suburban neighborhood. My parents spoke Korean at home, so my first language was actually Korean (though you’d never guess that today given my strong American accent and not-as-good-as-it-should-be Korean language skills...) 

It didn’t take me very long to figure out that I was different. 

One of my first memories was when I must have been 3 or 4 years old... in Pre-K. I knew I didn’t speak English well. Everyone reminded me of that every moment of every day. My parents worked 12 hours per day, 6 days per week at the time (actually, come to think of it they still do this...) so I was placed into daycare while they worked their hands to the bone so my brother and I could have a better future. 

Anyway, it was picture day. Or at least, I think it was because the two girls involved in this story (classmates of mine) were blonde twin girls who wore the exact same, frilly white dress. I remember approaching them and asking them, in what I’m sure was broken English, if they wanted to play with me. Regardless, I know they understood what I was asking. Because their response... “No, you’re different.” 

Oh. Okay. 

That’s one of my FIRST memories. My mom tells me that I came home every day telling her I didn’t need to go to school or learn English because it was hard and I spoke Korean so well anyway. 

My “otherness” really helped hone my skills in reading people. For example, I remember sitting in the lunchroom, alone, at the table. I remember my teacher coming over and attempting to communicate with me. I remember distinctly thinking, “She doesn’t want to sit here with me. She’s uncomfortable.” Again, maybe 3 or 4 years old. 

I also remember when the Lion King came out in theaters in 1994, McDonald’s had their toys be Lion King themed in the Happy Meals. I was 5. I think I had one of those cheap plastic Simba toys and during nap-time, when we were all supposed to be asleep, I remember a girl (who wasn’t always so nice to me) suddenly being very nice to me and trying to get me to trade my Simba toy for her crappy Zazu toy. I remember her trying to trick me into thinking her toy was better than mine and that she was really just being nice. At that age, this girl had already learned that because of my differences and lack of language skills she thought she could take advantage of me to benefit herself. 

I’m happy to say that even though I wanted to make the trade (not because her toy was “better" [screw Zazu!] but because I wanted her to like me), I was a little too attached to Simba to let him go. 

I have no idea where that toy is now, but I stood my ground! 

All of these are some of my earliest childhood memories--and they all have the same theme. I was different. I was other. 

I hated it. I blamed my “asian-ness” for it. I developed a hardcore resentment for my own race/ethnicity/culture. I deliberately learned English and actively attempted to forget Korean (something I regret now). I befriended white people almost exclusively. I worked on my American accent. I tried to keep up with the newest fads. I hated being Asian. I hated not being white. I just wanted to be white so badly. (this fact alone is proof to me that “white privilege” exists... after all, how many people grow up wishing they were black, Asian, brown, Native, southeast asian, etc?) 

I admit that even today, in my late 20s, I still struggle with this. I’m wary of befriending Asian people because it reminds me of my childhood pains. I’m working through it. 

This post definitely got more narrative-like than I intended, but I’m not going to apologize. I’ve spent so much of my life apologizing for who I am and what I look like. I love being Asian. And all the good and the crap that comes with it.

[myinvisibleyellow]

Beginnings...

Oh my god, another millennial with her own blog! 

It is not lost on me that this blog, like most other blogs, are self-serving, self-centered, and are likely not going to have a high readership by anyone other than the few super loyal friends who will read initially but will eventually stop because they definitely have better things to do. 

I hesitated a lot in the creation of this because the main purpose will be to delve deeper into my own consciousness regarding race and racism. Talking openly and publicly about such an emotionally, socially, and politically charged topic is going to bring inevitable vulnerability,  criticism and probably hate. But enough of my close friends have suggested this that I figured I could give it a shot. At the very least I can try, and if the ones who suggested it don’t read it, I can shove it in their faces and guilt trip them. 

I’m an awesome friend. 

Anyway... 

I’m a social worker by trade. In other words, I spent a crap-load of money to learn the vocabulary to describe my experience as a non-white American. (Not one of my wisest financial decisions...) 

I grew up in a middle-class white suburban part of Colorado where my family was the only family of color in our neighborhood, studied criminal justice in the heart of the nation’s capital, and have spent the past few years living in eclectic, crazy, diverse, lovely New York City. 

I have witnessed and participated in the protests against police brutality in the wake of Eric Garner’s murder, have outwardly supported protest efforts across the country when Sandra Blanda/Tamir Rice/FreddieGray/MichaelBrown/CountlessOthers were murdered. I have worked closely with freshmen college students who come from academically and financially disadvantaged backgrounds. I have engaged in difficult and painful conversations with white friends about their own privileges. 

But very rarely have I spoken about my own race. Not white. Not brown/black. “Yellow” I suppose... but somehow never involved or included. Invisible. I have experienced a unique set of racist interactions that cannot be compared to that of black and brown Americans, but have been reminded time and time again that I am not white. 

Being otherized by all other races is a weird place to be--join me while I try to understand this better.