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Your Grace Still Amazes Me

Your Grace Still Amazes Me

It has been 6 years since I’ve been blogging and while my writing wasn’t exactly the best back then, I wouldn’t press the delete button on any of it because the thing is, just as my writing has changed, so have I. The Rebecca that is sitting at her desk at 10:40pm, typing away on her computer is not the same girl she was six years ago, let alone eight years ago, or ten. For one thing, the…

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Ministry is Not God

Have any of you heard of the “Christian bubble”? Well, I have practically lived in it my entire life. It probably serves as an excuse for more than half of my naive and gullible moments. I was raised in a Christian home and not just any Christian home, a very conservative, baptist home. I remember my parents limiting the range of TV shows I watched, never buying me video games of any sort, and making me listen to only Christian music (Dove Hits was my dad’s go-to Christmas present). As if I didn’t get smothered enough with it at home, I got it at school as well. All my life (yes, including college), I have attended a private, Christian school --- Bellaire Christian Academy, Brookhollow Christian Academy, Southwest Christian Academy, Fort Bend Christian Academy, and finally Houston Baptist University. Now don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t all bad. I am grateful for the opportunity to go to a school where I could practice my faith freely and with no fear of being ridiculed or persecuted, but at the same time, I was so sheltered that it’s almost like I didn’t know how to interact with the rest of the world sometimes.

My parents had wonderful intentions and I am blessed to have gone and learned all that I did about God and the Bible, but much of my stagnancy in my faith and lack of interest or passion was constantly fed and encouraged by the environment I seemed to be stuck in. Church (the building, not the people) became like a second home to me, and not in the spiritual sense. My mom was the children’s choir director and my dad the youth minister for the majority of my childhood. Most of my memories at that age was spent in this small little church, almost every second of every hour. I honestly don’t have very many memories in my own home. You could say that I grew up in ministry. Now before I became a Christian, I remember doing it all because I believed it was part of “being a Christian”. My parents did it, so I had to do it. Now when I asked Christ into my heart at age 7, not much of my lifestyle really changed. For  one, I was only 7 and didn’t really know how to make my faith my own. I was still under my parents’ guidance. As I grew older, because ministry was what I grew up watching my parents do, it became something I habitually did as well. I learned to love it as my love for the Lord grew, but somewhere along the lines, my love for ministry and my love for the Lord somehow merged into one love.

I was involved in so many things --- children’s ministry, worship ministry, plugged into small groups, plugged into my mom’s women’s Bible study, teaching my own Bible study group --- it was a lot. I not only was juggling church, but I had school and home responsibilities to take care of as well. It all started to weigh heavily and I began to feel it all become a burden, including ministry. I will be the first to admit that my love for the Lord seemed to grow stagnant again. Doing my quiet time every day, going and serving in the church all seemed to be part of my checklist and I even found myself groaning and complaining about going. The thing is, I was no longer loving God and serving Him; I was just doing ministry. I was just doing what I believed needed to be done as a believer.

I remember searching God and seeking Him, pleading with Him to show me where I went wrong. Why wasn’t I happy serving anymore? At what point did I lose the joy of my salvation, the joy of being a servant of the Lord?

I began to take a look at my life and I realized the source of it all --- I had stopped loving God and started loving ministry, and they are not one in the same. I’m going to do my best to explain this...You see, I loved the Lord and because of my love for Him, I served Him and His Church, but somewhere along the lines, I stopped wanting to be with Him and started just working for Him. I went from being Mary to being Martha.

If you aren’t familiar with the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42), let me quickly summarize it for you. Jesus comes to visit these two sisters --- Mary and Martha. As Jesus was in their home, both these sisters’ priorities and reactions were very different. While Martha slaved away in the kitchen cooking and cleaning, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to Him speak. I was once Mary. I enjoyed just being at the feet of Jesus, spending time with Him, being in His presence and allowing Him to fill my heart with all the treasures of life and love He had to give. Somewhere along the line, in the crazy load of things I had gotten involved with, I lost sight of grace. I began to see others rushing and serving, that I felt like I had to get up and do the same, that I had to practically move, breathe, and act like more of what I thought defined a Christian. I got up and started “doing my share” and in the midst of it all, lost sight of why we do ministry. We aren’t serving the ministry; we are serving the Lord.

By all means, I am NOT saying that we should all drop our ministry positions and just sit in our private quiet times soaking up more knowledge from the Word. Service and ministry are important things, but it should never replace our personal time with the Lord. That is what I realized I had done...

I lost the joy I had in serving because I forgot the purpose in serving. It wasn’t to be “more Christian” or to earn God’s love. I am to be a part of the ministry because I already have the love of Christ living inside of me. Ministry does not result in becoming a Christian; it is a response to being a Christian.

This conviction weighed heavily on my heart and it took a lot of humbling, but I knew I had to let go of some things. I had to accept the fact that these ministries didn’t necessarily need me. I had to surrender myself and acknowledge that I was only one person and could not fix everything. I had to learn to say no. Now this cut down to deeper issues of insecurities and people-pleasing, but His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). God pulled me out of that rut, and while I miss some of the ministries I had to pull away from, I can see that they still go on without me. It never was about me in the first place. I wasn’t the “one solution” that fits all. God is the driving force; we are just instruments. Being out of those ministries, I’m also seeing that I am thriving better in the ministries I am in. Rather than be strained, pulled left and right at different times or maybe at the same time, I’m finding that I now have more time and energy to focus and serve at my full capacity than I was before. Again, I miss serving in those other areas, and believe me, my heart is still there, but for this season, God is calling me to be here, where I am. 

I’m at a good place now, but I have to admit. Writing this post now --- months after having thought about, experienced, and desired to share it --- this was a great reminder. Sometime we just have to be still and like Mary, enjoy God’s presence. Ministry is a great thing, but it can never replace or even compare to sitting at the feet of Jesus.

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“Divine Romance” by Phil Wickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me The richness of Your beauty's all I see The brightness of Your glory has arrived In Your presence God, I'm completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance Rejoice in this divine romance Lift my heart and my hands To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You Of deep deep love, yeah it's filling up the room Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life In Your presence God I'm completely satisfied

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Diamonds in the Sky

This is a post I’ve been wanting to write, and is now way overdue...

A couple months ago, my family and several of our friends had a mini retreat at Lake Texana State Park.The lake we decided to park ourselves at was absolutely breathtaking (picture will follow this post). That weekend was much-needed in the chaos school had become, but beside the fun, the laughs, the games, the worship, and the messages, God’s voice and words of love came to me in the form of nature.

I remember sitting on the deck of that gorgeous lake and was comforted by the stillness of it all. The mornings spent with my Jesus that weekend were personal and intimate. I could not have asked for anything more, and yet in the evenings, He lavished me more with His love.

Up above us stood a million stars, gleaming beautifully for our itty-bitty eyes to see and admire, remembering just how small we are. As I looked at them, all I could think about was the familiar metaphor I grew up hearing in various love songs and lines in romantic movies, and then reading in the countless romance novels my eyes have dug deep into --- “diamonds in the sky”. 

Diamonds have a built-in reputation about them to not only be a precious treasure that many seek to own, but it has also become a significant symbol of love, engagements, and marriage. If you like it, you “put a ring on it”, right? But not just any ring...a diamond ring. There’s something about diamonds that puts value, something that speaks to the receiver of that diamond that they are special. So as my mind thought about that phrase, I thought about the stunning gift God had given me to remind me just how special and valuable I was to Him. No guy could ever give me what He just did. There is this divine romance that is more precious than any movie, book, or song. Nothing can compare to the love that would give up His life for me, the love that would care about every detail of my life, from my inner struggles of anxiousness, insecurities, and fear to the minor details of me sitting on a dock as the sun rises or deciding to look up at the night sky. 

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly.   He delights in every detail of their lives.” - Psalm 37:23 NLT

You see, that night, God reminded me of His divine romance for me. The lake, the trees, the sky, the stars...they are all beautiful gifts that God gives for me to admire more and more of Him. It amazed me that even a secular phrase like “diamonds in the sky” could still be used by God to speak truth and love to me. 

I believe that moments like that are small and precious gems that God weaved into this mess that we call life to remind us that He hasn’t forgotten us. He is still in control; He holds this little mess and has designed every detail of it to be more than a mess. What was once chaos becomes a gateway of communicating to the world life, love, hope, and most importantly --- GRACE.

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Mr. Right

So there are these moments in my life where I have these strong urges to write, or I guess rather rant on a certain subject that just randomly pops into my little head. This is one of those moments...

I literally have under my notes on my phone, lists of topics that have come to mind but didn’t have the time to write it at the moment it came to me, but rather than go to those and write on those, a different topic comes to mind and that’s what I choose to write about. I feel like I’m rambling...I know, I know. Why don’t I just go back and delete what I just typed up as “rambling”? Well, it’s the authentic, rough, and raw blog posts that I want out there. I want to be completely honest with all of you, none of the edited stuff. Anyways, about this random topic that came to mind.

So as you know, I just came back from a mission trip to the Philippines. What you and no one else knows (except my mentor) is that when I ventured out there, I had a personal goal of “finding myself”. You might be thinking, “Why is this 21 year old still trying to find herself? Isn’t that something people usually do when they’re in middle school?” My answer is this: I thought I had found myself,  but I think I lost who I was as I got older and valued my family above all else. I’m not saying it’s wrong to value your family, but you see, I idolized my family. Everything I did, everything I loved was to please them --- my parents, my sister, even my brother. I always did my best to try and “earn” their love. This isn’t because they put that kind of pressure on me. It was more because I got hurt by others --- friends, classmates, a boy --- but my family was always there. I didn’t want to lose them too. I was so obsessed with trying to please them and take care of them that I forgot what I loved, what I was passionate about. This is all just a backstory. Let me switch modes real quick...

Lately, even on the mission trip, my sister would often tease and point out that I am still single and have been single since birth. She would then ask people to help her find someone for me. Now understand that this is all fun and games to her, but I started to feel a little embarrassed. The thing is, I’m 21 and still single because I just can’t seem to pinpoint someone worth really liking. Believe me, I’ve gotten really close, but the feelings fade and I realize it’s just infatuation. This afternoon, my sister and I were chit-chatting with a pastor and close friend of our family. He has literally become like an uncle to us, so when my sister joked around again about finding me a boyfriend, I knew he would joke back, but what surprised me is he actually started naming characteristics of a “Mr. Right” for me, and it wasn’t like he was wrong.

Now here is where that backstory comes and sort of blends in with this topic...the type of guy that he could envision me with said a lot about who I am. The main characteristic was this, “The guy would be Filipino or at least really comfortable with the Filipino culture”. While on the mission trip, the main thing I learned about myself is that I am most myself when I’m immersed in the Filipino culture. The way I acted, the things I would say, how I would say it, the emotions I would feel...it was all comfortable; it was me. For example, I volunteer with kids and absolutely love it every time I’m with them, but when I was in the Philippines, the way I interacted with them, it felt even more natural. Another example, my boldness. I could talk to complete strangers, I could interact and get to know someone not because it was easy, but because I just had a go-for-it attitude, and even with the team, I was comfortable just boldly asking deep and personal questions. I’m not usually the type to do that, at least not here at home. So I thought to myself, why am I completely different person in the Philippines? The thing is, being Filipino is part of who I am and when I was immersed in that kind of culture, I remembered who I once was...I went down memory lane one night before bed and realized that all the traits that seemed to show up while I was in the Philippines were traits that I used to possess. I guess somewhere down the road, I thought they were characteristics that pushed people away or maybe they just got hidden and covered as I took on the role I needed to be for my parents and siblings. Who knows? What’s important is that I finally found myself; I found myself surprisingly in “Mr. Right”.

It then got me thinking about how every girls’ “Mr. Right” should do that for her...bring out her true and natural self. No one should be with someone who keeps them from their true potential or suppresses their traits and talents that make up who they are.

In being single for 21 years, I have watched so many different relationships, so many different outcomes. I’ve seen breakups, makeups, weddings, and divorces. One of the main things I’ve learned is that direction is so key. Where are the two of you both headed? Is it the same destination, the same pace? See for me, I know where I’m headed. I know what drives me, what brings passion and lights up my heart with joy. It’s the same thing I look in my “Mr. Right”, the same thing our pastor friend saw I needed...a companion who would walk alongside me in partnership to minister to the people of the Philippines. Missionaries? I’m not sure, but one thing is for sure and that is my “Mr. Right” needs to share the same passion and love for the Philippines as well as for children as I do. If not, I can just see it now...if I am with someone who doesn’t feel that way, a part of me will slowly die and I would be miserable, always feeling like a part of me is missing. Looking back at the guys I’ve had a crush on, that’s probably why it never went past that...

For those that God has intended and created to one day get married, He has uniquely designed a mate, a life-partner who is to walk alongside them in ministry. Ladies, your husband one day is to be someone who you can imagine will help aid you in ministry. I’m not saying that you NEED them to serve God and others; you can and should serve NOW, but your future husband should be someone who would help you reach others that you couldn’t reach alone as a single individual. That’s how I feel like you really will know if you’ve met “the one”, “Mr. Right”. 

Have I met my “Mr. Right” yet? I’m not sure. For all I know, he could be right in front of me or he could be half-way across the world, but whether I’ve found him now or not isn’t what is important. The point of this post, though I didn’t really know it when I started, is that it isn’t about “when” you know the “who” but “how” you know the “who”. I know people who have been together only 6 months, have gotten married, and are happily serving the Lord together. I have also seen others who were together for 3 years, got married, and are also happily serving the Lord together. Time is not what defines “Mr. Right”; it’s whether you can envision the ending God has written for you, the ministry that you two are to venture out together...the “happily ever after” He intended all marriages to have.

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PH Mission Trip Update: 7.30.16

So...as the video implied, we are back! If you’re wondering how we’re feeling, exhausted should probably cut it. It is literally 1:53am right now because my sister and I can’t seem to shake off this jet lag. We haven’t even done anything in the past two days we’ve been home. All we’ve done is catch our parents up on how the trip went and then catch up on all the shows we missed and recorded. Haha! Productive is definitely not one of the words in our vocabulary lately.

To be honest though, we’ve also been feeling pretty sad. Call it withdrawal symptoms, but we miss the Philippines and the adventures we had with our team. It’s kind of sad because we’ve sort of all gone our separate ways now...different churches, different states, different schools. What we are grateful though is for having even had the chance to work alongside each and every one of them. God brought us together for a reason and used us for His glory. We will never forget that...For them and for our new friends in the Philippines, whether we see them again or not here on earth, we hold on to the hope of one day seeing them in heaven. That’s the hope we have as Christians, but I really hope and pray that our little trip to the Philippines isn’t the last time...

So I know that with our last written blog update, I left you all asking that you pray for the “Youth Revival” that we were helping host at Capiz Evangelical Church...well, I’m awake and alert and thought I’d write about how it went!

There were plenty of people who came, many of our new friends that we invited came. A couple of us on the team actually came early to rehearse for worship and that was a blessing in itself. Their worship team is full of talented people and we were super blessed to have gotten really close to two of them --- Jill and Abegail. We prayed beforehand and we prayed afterward and God truly answered our prayers because He made His presence known as we led that night.

Pastor Butch presented the Gospel, but it was very “interactive”. He would pull up students to either demonstrate a point or he would ask one of the team members to share a portion of their testimony. In the end, he had our entire team line up in the front and he offered a time of prayer. It was the most moving time of the entire night. 

At first, it was kind of awkward because not everybody understood what exactly he was saying, but when Pastor Parcia came up to interpret and when he asked some of the students of their youth group to sort of “start it up”, the next thing we know, almost every student there came for us to pray over them. 

There was one girl in particular that I remember praying over...she was shy and timid and while I asked her name, I barely heard what she said. Of all the people we met all week, all the names, I honestly don’t remember anymore, but God does and her face is one I will never forget. She came up to me and when I asked her what I could pray for, she let out her heart about how she is struggling with her image and feelings of self-doubt and insecurities. As I prayed with her, I could hear the sobs and felt a tear drop on the back of my hand. It took every fiber of my being to keep myself from breaking down right there and then. My heart hurt for her...I used to be her. Heartbroken, insecure, and just full of self-loathing. The minute that tear dropped, the more passionate my prayer for her became. I spoke to her words that my Abba Father spoke to me when I was in the position she was in --- “You are loved. You are beautiful, You are Mine.” When I was through praying, I gave her a hug and she walked back to her seat. I wish I could say that we had a deep conversation after the service, but I never saw her after that...but I’m grateful for the time the Lord gave me with her. I’m just praying now for the work He will continue to do, with or without me.

After the service, we took almost an hour saying our goodbyes, taking selfies, and sharing long, tearful hugs. It was so difficult to say goodbye, and yet, it was also joyful. I know in my heart that I will be back. My desire is that the Lord will provide for me to go each year, but I’m not sure of that. What I do know, is that the Lord will bring me back and the Philippines will always have a special place in my heart. This trip has birthed in me a passion that will burn until the day I die. I don’t quite know for sure WHAT God will do, but I’m living with arms open wide. So when everyone was saying goodbye with the live praise and worship being sung, people dancing along to it, my heart was filled with joy because it wasn’t goodbye to me; it was just a “see you later”. I know...it sounds cheesy, but it’s true. I can’t wait to see them again, whether it is when I go back or when it is when we are all with the Lord...I’m just glad it isn’t goodbye.

Afterward, Jill and Abegail took us out to eat for dinner at Fiesta Inasal. Well, actually Kuya Ivan paid for dinner; they just knew where to go eat...Haha! He said it was his way of saying thank you for helping him lead worship. We had a good time, even though it was cut short by our curfew. We had team devotions at 8:30pm and we couldn’t be late.

The team devotions was led by Julian that night and he reminded us again of the “theme” our entire trip had started on --- faith. It was so timely and a beautiful reminder of how God had taken each and every one of us on a journey for this trip...for this this week...for that night. We then shared what the week meant to us and it was such an encouragement to me to see that we had all grown...TOGETHER! I grew up with some of the team and others, I just met, but I consider them all family. To see what God has done in their lives, how much He has grown them...I couldn’t ask for anything else. Believe me though, I’m included in that as well. Faith was something God tested BIG TIME throughout this whole journey. I’m grateful because what a reward I have received because I took a leap of faith and surrendered my will to follow His.

Thank you so much for all of you who have supported us! You played a BIG part in this trip and in our personal lives. We hope that you can join us August 14 at the Chapel of Sugar Creek Baptist Church from 5-7pm as we gather together in worship to celebrate and share testimonies. My sister and I would love to see you all there!

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Separate clips we felt needed to stand out on their own...

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We can’t even begin to put in just 4 minutes all that this trip encompassed, but we tried...

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PH Mission Trip Update: 7.29-7.30.16

Hello-Hello! So here I am giving another update on how amazing this trip has been going for us as a team. It has been pretty awesome to see just how sovereignly detailed our God is. 

So my sister gave you a detailed perspective on how Thursday went for us at Maayon, and actually it was much like what we did on Friday at the fishing village and under the bridge. After breakfast, our team headed to a fishing village, and it was there that we played soccer and basketball with the boys, played crafts with the girls, and also did the Dress-A-Girl ministry. The place was small and not exactly the cleanest. There was no designated gym for the boys to play in and the girls simply stayed in a small, empty, worn-out catholic building with no A/C.

I wish I could give you a perspective on how the guys did, but me and my sister and 3 other girls on the team, were busy keeping the girls busy. We had all split up in and each took a group of 4-5 girls. I sat on the dusty floor and was even laughed at by the girls because my whole bottom half was dirty, but it was worth it as I saw their beautiful faces smile with joy as they got to string the colorful beads on a small plastic string. There was definitely a language barrier, but God was so gracious to have given me parents who speak Tagalog. I have been practicing all week, taking every chance I got to speak the language and as I sat amongst those girls, God just spoke through me. I was able to piece enough words to explain what to do and ask questions to get to know them...it was really something.

Our team had also worked on making bookmarks that said Jesus loves you the night before and so we also handed those out for them to have. I’m not sure if they have books, but they sure enjoyed receiving them. It was funny because I started out with 4 or 5 girls, but as the mothers saw how much fun it was, they began inviting other girls and their mommies to come join the fun. My 4-5 group of girls grew to 7-8 girls! I had an absolute blast! Kids are more of my forte than middle school and high school. So as I sat with them and talked with them, it just all seemed so natural for me. I wasn’t fearful, but rather comfortable sharing and getting to know them. 

After we did crafts, we played with a beach ball and man, those kids love to play with beach balls! They did a short relay race; they sat and rolled it to each other; they stood in a circle and just tossed...a simple 99 cent beachball was enough. These people are so content with their life; it’s inspiring. We then lined up the kids from smallest to biggest outside the church and one by one, they came to each of us. We read to them a translation to Ilongo about how God loves them, how people who love God and them made them a dress and how they are to never forget just how special they are. The way the Dress-A-Girl ministries works is that we are to speak to one girl, one by one, be at eye level, and deliver that message. Then we are to slip on the dress over whatever they’re wearing and pray over them. As I sat there and did that for each girl, I was absolutely touched with how beautiful God worked with the dresses and matching them specifically to each girl. We arranged the dresses by size in a big bin and would just grab whatever was on top, but it was crazy because each one suit each girl perfectly well, without any effort and planning on our part. I would notice as I slipped the dress on that their shoes would match, or the t-shirt it was put over would match, or a simple detail like their ponytail holder would match. They are each individuals beautifully and uniquely made and it was an honor to get to tell them that.

After the fishing village, we went to eat lunch --- siopao (pork bun) and ube cake for dessert. It was absolutely delicious! One of our team members was even bold enough to try dinuguan. If you don’t know what that is, find somewhere that they sell it, try it, and then you can look up what it is. All I will say is that it is exotic and my absolute favorite Filipino dish. It was a fun break, but when we were through, we got right back to work and headed under the bridge. There we did the exact same thing, but the poverty there was even worse that in the fishing village...at least in my opinion. It was literally under a bridge that cars pass over and because of the muddy floor, one of our team members decided to rip up her ponchos and use them as sort of a mat for the girls to do their crafts. The biggest story I would say I took from under the bridge though was the fact that GOD PROVIDES. As we lined them up and began giving dresses one by one, the line seemed to be endless because more would join, but God continued to provide. We had t-shirts that we brought to also give away and so toward the end, we would ask the girls whether they would like a shirt or a dress and there was the perfect amount of dresses for the ones that wanted it and those that really didn’t want a dress, were extremely happy with their t-shirt! Each of us girls were praying that God would multiply our supply just as He did with the five loaves of bread and two fishes, and He did!

After a long day’s work, we spent the rest of the afternoon out shopping for gifts to bring back home to our friends and families. We had devotion, then freely chit-chat in our hotel room till 2:30am after hearing that we could sleep in till 8am breakfast, instead of 6am...Unfortunately, my sister and I overslept! we woke up at 7:53am and rushed to the breakfast room...but did that stop us from doing it again the next night? No...Haha! We have bonded as a team so much this past week and I personally am so grateful for God’s sovereign hand in hand-picking us all to go this summer. This trip was truly life-changing for all of us and it was a joy to get to do it together. They’ve become family...

The very next day was our “free day”. I put it in quotation marks because we were still intentional --- eternally focused in still sharing the Gospel. Before dismissing us at breakfast to go shopping, explore the city, sleep in, or whatever we wanted to do, Pastor Butch gave each of us 500 pesos and challenged us to treat an individual that we come in passing, eat with them, and share the Gospel. To be honest, it was a struggle for me. Because of the times we live in, a random stranger coming up to you offering to buy you lunch or a cup of coffee sounds strange and creepy, so I was so nervous about how awkward it would be if they rejected our offer, but I did it anyway...

So we visited City Mall, Paseo, Gaisano Market, Robsinson’s Mall, and a small souvenir shop, but it was the Paisano Market that we decided to have lunch. There were 7 of us traveling and shopping together, so in order not to intimidate other people, we split up in a group of 3 and a group of 4. A friend, my sister, and I were one group. It took awhile to just find a place because it was crowded everywhere because it was the weekend, but we finally decided on Chow King. The next difficult task was to find 3 people willing to eat with us. We were talking in Chow King, and God then provided a group of 3 teenaged girls for us to talk to. We split the task at hand where Mimi would present the Gospel, my friend would pray the sinner’s prayer with them, but I would have to go and convince them to come sit and eat...I was so nervous and wanted to just stall by sitting there, but it would not have made the task go away, so jumped up, told the other two to pray for me and walked out the door. I quickly introduced myself and got their names. I asked if they had eat lunch yet and they said yes. I asked if maybe they were still hungry or wanted dessert, and they at first said no. I told them that we were from the States and that we wanted to hang out with people to make new friends. We would pay if they just came a hung out. We got to joking around and laughing about how they were shy and all, but I really felt that God had sent these 3 girls for us...so began to lightly pull them up and pointing toward the door of Chow King. They laughed and said “Are you sure?” in tagalog. I said “of course” and they then willingly went inside to meet Mimi and my friend. It was awkward at first, but we got to talk, getting to know them, their school, family, and what-not. We then asked about church and where they went. They said they didn’t have a church home, but just went to different Catholic churches. They didn’t really have a relationship with God from what I was getting, so Mimi then asked if she could draw something out for them. She used the 3-circles method. When asked if they felt near or far from God, they said near. I’m super tired right now and can’t completely recall what happened next but we got to praying for them, and the next thing we knew, it was time to head back and meet with the rest of the group. They were friendly, and we invited them to the Youth Revival service tonight as well as the morning service, so God-willing they will decide to go. 

Apart from the serious moment of the Gospel presentation, there was a funny moment...So they had decided on just dessert, so we ordered Halo-Halo. When it arrived, Mimi wanted to serve them, but rather than picking it up, she slid it to them, not noticing the crack in-between tables. So when she slid it to the first girl, it spilled everywhere. It was super embarrassing, and not exactly the ice breaker we were hoping for, but at least it didn’t get on the girl.

We again had devotion as a team that night and then a pizza “party” in one of the hotel rooms again as a team. We played phase 10, had deep talks, and did nose-strips together...including the guys. It was a fun bonding moment. I started writing this post at about 1:30am after all the fun, but literally only finished the first paragraph before falling asleep. So it’s Sunday now, our last day here at Roxas, but I’ll leave today’s update to write while we’re on the plane or something. I also want to include in it how the Youth Revival service went. It’ll start in about 3 hours...so if you read this post before 4am on July 31, then please take the time to pray for us and the people we invited. We are praying for open and ready people to receive Jesus into their hearts as their personal Lord and Savior. We’re praying that if not, the seed will be planted and that curiosity and desire for truth will drive them to grow. Pray for those that are believers that they will freely worship and move forward in obedience to go and make disciples. Lastly, please pray specifically for me, Mimi, and the rest of the worship “team” as we join with the church’s worship team in leading worship. We want to be effective in being used by God.

Thank you so much for praying and being willing to read all these updates. It warms our heart to know that people care about missions and about us. We miss you all and will see you soon!

[myheartofworship-blog]

PH Mission Trip Update: 7.27-7.28.16

Hi guys it’s Mimi and I just wanted to update you on what God did this Wednesday.

We started off our day with morning devotions on the roof, where we got to see a beautiful sunrise. These one on one moments with God in the morning is just such a blessing to me. He has spoken to me and taught me several different things. It is just so awesome to have a God who actually loves to listen to us and love us. And being able to see the sunrise with it is just mesmerizing. You see His beauty, strength, and power.

Then we were able to go to breakfast afterwards. During this time we got to visit with others and just recap some things from the day before. Like how the guys were able to teach kids basketball and how it felt when the girls were able to visit Filamer University’s Christian Emphasis Week. And for me personally it made me realize how blessed we are in the states. In their assembly room they had no A/C but everybody was still okay with. The students were engaged in the message, while I was there not being able to listen because I was so hot. It is crazy how sometimes at church we get upset that a microphone doesn’t work or a light doesn’t work, but here they had no A/C and they weren’t complaining. So it really made me appreciate all the things we have at Sugar Creek Baptist Church, that we take advantage of at time.

Then we went our way. We attended their Senior High assembly which was really cool and fun. We were able to see the Philippines Pledge of Allegiance and Anthem. And were able to have a Zumba dance party at the end, and everyone participated. No one was too embarrassed to do it and they all had the time of their lives.

Then the boys on our team began to have their basketball clinics. Which were awesome, because it ranged from elementary boys all the way to college girls and boys. During this time the girls were suppose to speak to the classrooms, but the plans changed and we just ended up having free time. So some of the senior high girls brought us to a coffee shop, called coffee break. So there were six of them and Me, Ate, and one of our friends Sarah. It was awesome how though we all grew up in different parts of the world we were still able to bond together as if we knew each other since birth. We took pictures and talked about so much stuff. They were so kind and joyful, that it made everything even more fun. Then they brought us to a little market near by called Paseo. This little outing really made my day, being able to meet these girls and act like sisters. They made us feel like we were at the mall in the states and just hanging out as best friends.

Afterwards we went back to the University and chatted some more, until they had to leave for lunch. And then we also had lunch. Tita Lilabeth and Tita Melinda were so nice and hospitable to us. They prepared a large meal for our whole team, in which we ate at the gym. There was squid, shrimp, scallops, rice, and Lecheflan. We ate family style and had a fun time. Then after lunch we were able to converse with the little elementary boys. They taught us how to play basketball and were also super funny.

Later we began our 3 on 3 basketball tournament. And Me, Ate Justine, and Ate Rena were playing as a team. We lost of course, but it was okay because were able to have fun and get to know some of the older girls. They were really good at playing, and they beat us so bad that they just began to let us have the ball and shoot. It was a blessing to see these girls work hard as a team and love each other as sisters.

Afterwards we went back to the hotel and showered to get ready for the C2 training that night. When we arrived at the training, our full team was not there so we had to start late and at the same time our plans kept changing. At first I was worried and upset, but then I realized that no matter what happens, God is still being lifted up. So the people who led this training was me and Juan Carlos. He first explained what the F.I.S.H. cycle was and then we began our demonstrations through each night. For F-fellowship we played the game Pictionary. Though it was such a simple game, these kids and teenagers were having so much fun interacting with each other and playing. We took a quite a bit of time on this so we started running out of time. Then for I-inspire, I quickly gave a short devotion on our relationships with our parents. This went okay, and I felt very nervous, but God still blessed it. Then we quickly rushed through the S-share and H-hook part of the training. Then pastor Gad began to start their praying meeting, in which were able to participate in. He told us to allow our team to intermingle with the people from the university and church.

Though the night might have been a little messy God really blessed it. So that morning I asked God if He could send me someone for me to witness to at a personal level, because at the point I felt as if I haven’t really got to know anyone. So have you heard how God gives you more than you even ask for? Well that is what he did for me. Instead of sending me only one person he sent me two girls named, Kyle and Quisha. These girls were on my heart yesterday when I found out they were Catholics, but I didn’t think that I would be able to talk to them. But Lord provided a way. He allowed me to speak to them about relationships with boys, which then slowly turned to a relationship with God. This all happened in the morning when we came back from Coffee Break, but after that conversation I didn’t know if they really understood what it meant, but it was okay because God still sent me girls to witness to, so I just invited them to the church that night and Sunday night. So when I saw them that night I was extremely happy. And so these two girls were the ones I prayed with during the Prayer meeting. So we prayed together for the prayer request on the board, and when the prayer was over I saw them crying and I asked them, Why are you crying? They said back to me, it was because we were leaving. So I told them that though our physical self is not here God is here. And I began to share my testimony and the gospel, and they received Christ as their Lord and Savior. I loved these girls, because I saw myself in them, before I knew the Lord. And my heart broke for them, but God knew that and He is working in them.

So after that we went and ate at Robinsons and then went back at the hotel for a devotional with the team, where we learned that Lord should be the one who is controlling our lives, nothing else. Then after all of that Us and Rena and Justine began to prepare the crafts. During this time we were able to just bond as sisters which was really fun and was a great way to end the day. And so that was Wednesday in a nutshell. 

Hi guys so I just wanted to also update you on what we did on Thursday.

We first started the day talking to our mom and dad on FaceTime, where we were able to update them on what happened these past few days. Then we had breakfast around 6:30 in the morning where one of our team mates said a quick devotion and we got to pray with one another over the people who received Christ. It was a short and quick time, but was still a blessing. Then at 7:00 we headed for Maayon.

Since it was a one hour drive us as a team were able to bond and get to know each other. We talked about so many things and laughed so much. It made me realize how much I love this team and how much I am going to miss them after this week. They are my brothers and sisters and I am so glad to have them in my life. Also during the ride we saw several different things like caribou and rice fields.

When we arrived at the village we climbed a slippery steep slope and got to a pavilion, and here awaited several kids. They were so cute and joyful which completely made me and ate happy. Then Pastor Parsa told Kuya Ivan to lead us in a song, even though we had no guitar or even practiced. But despite that it was beautiful us as a team sang as a choir with grins from cheek to cheek. Then we got to mingle with some of the kids and get to know them. They were so cute and a lot of them had so much joy. Some of our teammates even got tickle attacks but the kids.

Then we went up a little more and got into this little house, which is also a church for the people in the village. Here they served us summon and bichu-bichu and some coconut juice. They were so hospitable and kind to us.

Afterwards we headed towards another gym, where we got to start our activities with the kids. The boys played basketball and soccer, while all the girls hung out. We got to play parachute and give them bookmarks. We even had a dance party. Then something that is really dear to my heart what happened. We began to hand them dresses that this ministry at our church does. Where they make dresses out of pillow cases and indivually hand it to the kids and speak to them and tell them they are pretty and Jesus loves them. Though I don’t know how to speak their dialect or a lot of Tagalog, but it was still amazing. The kids were still blessed by God’s work and that is what I am most thankful for, because it wasn’t me who was talking, but God talking through me. And realizing that made me not worry about them not understanding me.

Afterwards we went to have lunch where we got to have a plethora of food from one of the lola’s. Through this it again made me realize how hospitable people are here. I love it and I am so grateful for this culture.

Then after we got to the hotel and changed, we then went to the beach. It was beautiful. The sunset was amazing and the water was too. The food was amazing. At this beach we got to witness a wedding, take beautiful pictures, eat fresh food, sing and do devotion together, hear a cute kid sing and sell peanuts, and swim with amazing friends. I couldn’t ask for anything else. God has really revealed himself throughout this whole trip and I am so grateful for that. Then we went on tricycles and saw wonderful stars on the way back to the hotel.

Last thing we did was just hang out with wonderful friends until midnight in the hotel room just talking and laughing about random stuff. These people are amazing and I am so glad I can call them my ates and kuyas.

Some things you can pray for us is just safe travels, wisdom, humility, patience, and just to do everything in God’s name. So thank you for all the support you all have been giving to us both. We love you all and we will continue to keep you updated. Thank you and God Bless!

[myheartofworship-blog]

PH Mission Trip Update: 7.21-7.26.16

Magandang Umaga! In case you don’t know what that means, it means good morning!!!! Right now, it is 4:02am on July 26, and let me start by saying, I am so sorry it has taken us so long to post an update. When we arrived on July 23 here in Roxas, we were absolutely exhausted. We had traveled 36 hours from Houston to Chicago, Chicago to Honolulu, Honolulu to Guam, Guam to Manilla, and then Manilla to Roxas. It was a long trip and me and my sister cannot even begin to describe how tired we were. When we arrived, we were immediately greeted with the Filipino hospitality that we have come to learn and love as we have grown up. Filmier University had created a banner with all of our names on it to welcome us as we arrived at the airport. They then proceeded to load all of us and our luggages into their vans and then off we were headed to our hotel appropriately named Sky Garden for their beautiful rooftop view. My sister since then have taken advantage of it and have done our quiet time their every morning, just soaking up every ounce of God’s goodness and beauty.

When we arrived, we were then served breakfast and given instructions on how the day would go. We went to a sort of mini mall right down the street to gather any toiletries we needed and PLENTY of water. My sister bought 1 10-liter jug and another 4-liter jug and already, we are close to finishing our 10-liter jug. It is hot here, but to be honest, it’s almost the same as Houston, just minus the humidity. So the instant you walk outside, you sweat --- A LOT! So it has been super important that we drink a lot of water in order not to get dehydrated. After we did a little necessary shopping, we headed back to the hotel to get some rest. My sister immediately crashed on her bed, and I would have to if it wasn’t for the preparation I had to do for the next day.

Each of our team members were assigned to give the team devotions and I was assigned Sunday night. The minute that Pastor Butch mentioned my name, my heart began to beat so fast. What was I going to speak about? How could I encourage my fellow team members and “spur them to do good works” as Hebrews 10:24 says? I was in the same boat they were in; I could feel their fatigue and weariness. What could I say that would be enough? But that was the thing, it wasn’t at all what I was going to say, but what the Lord had to say. 

Back in May, I asked God how I could specifically be praying for my team in the weeks ahead for our trip. He placed a verse on my heart that at the time seemed strange and unfit for a mission trip, not one of the usual “be strong and courageous” verses that I call “feel-good” verses. You know...the one that they place on t-shirts and coffee mugs? Anyways, I proceeded to pray for the team with that verse in mind. Since then, there have been a series of events that have occurred in my life that have supported that verse and I didn’t even know it. So when I gave the devotional the other night, I shared my heart. Life is fleeting and there is only so much time that we have here in the Philippines. Some of the people we encounter may not have a tomorrow...so what we do here has to count. I shared about my grandma and even teared up a bit, because the thing is, that devotional wasn’t just meant for the other team members; it was meant for me as well.

Before the night devotion, the day was spent mainly at Capiz Evangelical Church. My sister and I joined two other guys on the team and had the opportunity to lead the congregation in the offertory song. One of the members, a tita of ours whom we’ve known since we were kids treated the team for lunch at “Anot’s Galley”. THE FOOD WAS ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS!!!! After lunch, we took tricycles to Robinson’s Mall, where we went two-by-two to talk to strangers. Some of found what we would call “men of peace”. These are people who are inviting and open to hearing the Gospel that we are to go back to again and again. For my sister and I, we talked to a couple, but unfortunately the language barrier was a very big struggle. When we had asked questions, they simply stared at us. We understand and speak a little tagalog, but the dialect here in Roxas is Visayan. After that couple, we talked to a girl at a cell phone case counter and invited her to church on Sunday and then after that had actually bumped into two ladies from the church! 

Later that afternoon, we headed back to Capiz to help lead the offertory song again, but for their youth service. We stayed and talked to several of them their --- meeting friendly people like Dave, Abigail, and many others!

The very next day, we spent the day at Filamer University, starting at 7:15am all the way to about 4pm...We went from class to class, divided into 2 teams sharing the Gospel, our testimonies, and leading them in the sinner’s prayer. Mimi and I were split and we both agreed that it was a good thing. She mainly talked to classes with students her age, while I talked to students in junior high school, which is equivalent to 7th-10th grade in the States. After our presentation, we would collect cards that we had them fill out, allowing us to know what their decision was and if they had any questions or prayer requests. We have plenty and are working at praying for each individual, one-by-one. 

We did that all morning, took a lunch break, then resumed for the afternoon. Three of us college students and one high schooler had the chance to speak to the nursing class that day...to be honest, it wasn’t at all what I had expected, but as I and the rest of the team are learning, flexibility is key on a mission trip. We had actually interrupted the class in the middle of their exam and shared our testimonies. I filled my heart with overflowing excitement to get to share with them not just my testimony, but what God had taught me this year in nursing school. I got to encourage them and then pray over them. We might have interrupted their exam, but they were attentive and I trust that our “interrupting” was the exact moment that God wanted us there.

Later that afternoon, the boys of our team played the high school basketball team of the school. Because our boys just started playing with one another and only 3 have had experience on a team, we lost...pretty bad, but they had a great time and winning was never the goal anyway. We had fellowship with the students (boys while playing and us girls on the sidelines talking to students watching the game). It was a fun day!

We had dinner at a place called Chicken Inasal, where we fellowshipped as a team, alongside our sweet Tita Lilibeth and one of the professors, Tita Melinda. Our “non-Filipino” friends were astonished and excited to see a bucket of rice being served as unlimited rice was offered with their barbecue. They were even more excited to learn and practice using their hands to eat, like true Filipinos. We then shared Halo-Halo, a sweet Filipino dessert, and left with happy tummies and happy hearts.

Today, we practically did the same thing. We spoke in even more classes since we’ve learned how to efficiently and yet still clearly make our presentation. At lunch, we split up as the boys went to Pnipam, where they held soccer clinics for elementary children. While they were there all afternoon in the hot sun, us girls stayed on campus where we dealt with a different kind of heat and uncomfortability. 

There were four of us girls and one adult. Me and my Ate Rena joined our “adult” Ms. Amelia to her business law class, where we shared the same presentation to a class of 3rd year college students. After that, we chose to fellowship more with some girls that we had already begun to build relationships with, even friends on Facebook. We’ve actually become really popular with the students here as they are taking selfies and friending us on social media left and right, especially our “fair, blonde, and blue-eyed friends”.

We had dinner and a quick devotion time again. However, most of the time was spent sharing about our experiences and what we’ve been learning as we’ve been serving here. For me, my love for the Philippines, its people, and it’s culture has grown more and more with each hour that I’ve been here. It’s only the 3rd day we’ve been here and I can already tell you that I don’t want to leave. This is home. The sound of the busy streets jam-packed with tricycles, the smell of fish and pollution, the beautiful scenery of a simple living...it’s home; it’s what stirs my heart with life, joy, and passion. Because of the time difference and poor internet connection, my sister and I have had very little chance to be able to talk to our family back home, but what I’ve learned is that God has gifted us with family here. I miss my parents and my brother, of course, but it hurts less because I have family here. Tita Melinda and Tita Lilibeth have become like moms to us here and the team are like my brothers and sisters. We laugh; we worship...we have had an adventure together and I’m loving every minute of it. My sister on the other hand, has really learned to appreciate what we have back in the states, like A/C. We had attended their CEW (Christ Emphasis Week) service this afternoon and the place was super crowded, closed with little to no A/C, and because of the sweat, it smelled...but as the speaker spoke and as the worship band sang, every student was engaged, respectful. Unfortunately, with the A/C and the video games, and the lights and sound system back home for worship...people don’t pay attention as much as those kids did here. It was a very different perspective and my sister was astonished. She’s sleeping right now, but maybe she’ll write more about what else she’s been learning. 

The team is exhausted and we are in so much need of your prayers. It’s 10pm right now and I can barely keep my eyes open. My body is just feeling worn out I bought some Robitussin for my cough and I had my family and friends praying for me. I’m okay now, however my sister is starting to catch something...so just please be praying for health. Sarah, the girl who was left in Manilla was actually checked into the ER, but fortunately she has pushed through and joined us here. She is still really struggling, so please continue to pray for her. With exhaustion and weariness, patient can become really low, so also pray that we continue to be a team of peace and unity, not allowing frustrations to pull us apart in any way, but that patience and love will overflow from our hearts for one another and to others that watch how we interact together.

Tomorrow, we will speak again in classes, have basketball clinics, play a 3/3 basketball tournament (boys), and host a C2 training. It’ll be another long day for us. We still have to practice as a “worship team” in preparation for Sunday, where we will lead the Youth Revival at Capiz. We’ve already invited so many people and we’re praying that they will all come and be blessed. 

We love you all so much for supporting us and we can’t wait to do more while we’re here, making the most of it --- not as a vacation, but as an intentional trip to share the Good News of Jesus Christ!

[myheartofworship-blog]

11 more days!!!!

[myheartofworship-blog]

“And I tremble before Him...”

“And I tremble before Him...” Just a few weeks ago, those words meant something completely different to me than it does now, and I have my grandma to thank for that.

I know that this is now the third post I have had about my grandma, and some of you may be tired of the depressing words, looking for something more uplifting or inspirational. I’m sorry to disappoint, but something I’ve learned is that my grief and this season of mourning is my own. I don’t have to worry about what others think, or even how my family may be grieving. For the past week, I have been almost beating myself up for not being like the rest of my family, for not accepting, for not being at peace like they are...I had not only the weight of grief on my shoulders but I carried a large burden of guilt as well. I kept telling myself, “How can you be so selfish? She is in a better place now. She lived a long and good life, and she is no longer suffering of pain. She’s with Jesus...”, but I missed her, I still miss her. What I’ve realized is that that’s okay. It’s okay for me to miss her, to grieve for the loss, and I have. It’s been 9 days, and my heart still gets sad when I hear a classical song play, or when I cut a mango like a flower like my grandma once did, but God is slowly restoring me and just constantly showering me with His peace. I don’t cry anymore and sometimes even find myself smiling and chuckling at the thought of her. Like today, I had an eye appointment and got my eyes dilated. When I put on those “fashionable”, plastic, black glasses, my sister said, “You look like Grandma”. It made me smile.

God has grown me in a significant way through all of this, as I am sure the death of a loved one has grown and shaped many people. There’s just something about death that serves as a wake up call to what we call life.  Personally, I have found my worship to be much more deeper than it has ever been. When I sing of God on His throne or seeing Him one day, I can’t help but imagine Grandma finally sitting at His feet, just basking in His glory and holiness. That beautiful image runs in my head over and over again, and I don’t know...I can’t explain it, but my entire body just seems to burst with excitement, starting with this warm feeling of peace at my very core. I have something to always look forward to...It reminds of Laura Story’s lyrics from “Blessings”

This pain reminds this heart that this is not my home.

We were practicing yesterday in choir the song “Almighty” by Chris Tomlin and once again, I smiled as I thought of who I was 3 weeks ago, singing and worshiping to the same song. Same song, but a different person. I went back and even found the post. That’s how not-long-ago it was...June 8 to be specific. My post said this:

"I see the holy one, high and exalted I hide my eyes and I tremble before Him I tremble before Him." ~ "Almighty" by Chris Tomlin

There's just something about those lyrics...I close my eyes and I'm just reaching and barely grasping the beautiful image of meeting Him and being wrapped in my Father's arms. It literally gives me goosebumps, and that's just what imagine. How much more when it comes to that day? It'll be so much more than I imagined, so much more that anything a lyric or a painting could ever express. I mean, can you imagine it? Finally getting to be in His presence, to see Him face to face, and having that involuntary response of just trembling, just being in awe of His wonder and His grace. There is nothing like it; there is nothing that will ever be like it. Nothing can compare to that day when we stand before Almighty God.

While I still think the same way, as I sang those same lyrics again, they have a completely different meaning to me, a completely different perspective. There is so much more depth and value because it has become even more personal. The image of being at the Savior’s feet has become just a little more clearer, a little more vivid. I know that I cannot possibly imagine what heaven will be like, and especially what God and being in His presence will be like, but what I can imagine, what I have seen is my sweet grandma. I remember her hands, her face, her smile...and now, as I sing those lyrics, I have just a little more of an image of what praising the Father will be like. I can imagine my grandma’s hands lifted high, with much more strength than she had ever had raising 10 kids; I can imagine her face brightened with joy and delight in seeing the face of her Creator; I can imagine her sweet eyes full of life again as she gazes upon the beauty and glory of God Almighty. So yes, it is still sorrowful to think of my Grandma not being here, but because of her death, I have grown deeper in my relationship with the Lord. I have gained a perspective on eternity that will impact the way I live now. I am excited to take this experience and use it for the glory of God. As a nursing student, I will face death again. Sadly, I may experience it numerous times, but each time, I know that my God has a bigger and better purpose than anything I can see or imagine. For that, I rejoice.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

Thank you, Grandma for the life lessons I am still learning even with you gone...you have done more in my life than you will ever know.

[myheartofworship-blog]

This is my comfort, my consolation & my breath of fresh air in the midst of my loss & depression, that Your Word nourishes & repairs me & it revives my life & Your promises restore me & they make me whole.

Psalm 119:50

[myheartofworship-blog]

Time

Today was a tough day...I knew it would be because I finally was given the moment to stand, be still, and grieve. For the past couple of days, I’ve been too busy to even think about anything. In some cases it’s good because I’m not dwelling on my loss, but at the end of the day, as I lay in bed, I just cry and mourn because all that’s left is just me and my thoughts and memories...Today was even tougher because of the vulnerability that comes in worship. Every single time I sat or stood in the presence of God singing, my heart just ached. How beautiful it is though to just be in worship, in the presence of God, and just be free to sing and cry. There were moments where I did one or the other, moments where I did both, and moments where I did neither. I just listened to the calming voice of the Father. 

 I've found that I was ok when I was busy, but when it is just me and Jesus, the memories linger and I begin to feel the weight of grief set on my heart. Today, there were plenty of people who asked how I was, how I was feeling...I really appreciate their concern and their desire to love and comfort me, but every time they asked, it was so hard to answer. I said what was familiar: "I'm okay" or "I'm better". I said those things almost automatically as if I was trying to convince myself that it was true or to keep myself from crying and breaking down right then and there. The truth is, I'm grieving because I'm now facing the hard and difficult truth that my grandma is no longer with us. 

Everything seems to remind me of her --- songs, food, people. Like today, at the college ministry, even the ice breaker question made me remember and miss her...“What age and memory would you want to go back to?” A light-hearted question that brought a lot of people to share funny memories, but for me, all I could think about were the countless memories I would like to relive with my grandma. I wouldn’t even mind if I could only go back to just earlier this week because at least then, she was still here...

As I sat in the choir for practice, and stood on the risers to lead, and even as I stood behind the pews being led in worship, my heart ached and rejoiced all at the same time. The conflicting emotions are exhausting...as we sang of Christ on His throne, of seeing Jesus, I couldn't help but imagine my grandma now, finally rejoicing --- no pain, no struggles. At the same time though, it reminded me that she isn't here... I’m just tired, you know? I know that it will take time to heal so I’m praying that God just strengthens me to keep moving forward. It’s really hard. I feel like I sprinted in the beginning of a marathon and I don’t have anymore strength to keep going and finish the race. 

A sweet sister in Christ shared a piece of Scripture with me this afternoon...

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” ~ Psalm 73:26

Beautiful words. I wish that Scripture could heal the pain as quickly as it had started, but I know that’s not how it works. It will take time, and I think that’s the frustrating part of all of this. I’m tired and just exhausted from the long and emotional week that it has been. I know that God is working on my heart. I’m just praying that I will continue to look to him and stay faithful in trusting Him with all the brokenness that I feel.

[myheartofworship-blog]

A Tribute to Louisa Brinson Peralta (1919-2016)

I buried my Grandma yesterday...I experienced real loss for the first time in my life. There are not enough words to describe the sorrow and grief I have been experiencing for the past couple of days. Not enough words...but what I’ve been learning about myself and about God in these long days and tough nights is that words don’t have to be spoken for God to understand. He already knows. He knows how much I’m going to miss my grandma; He knows each memory I reminisce about at night with every tear that falls on my pillow. He counts those tears, and at the end of each night, He’s the One tucking me in and whispering softly in my ear and on my heart “Rest, dear child, for she is finally resting with Me.” I grew up with my Grandma taking care of me. She was still strong...she took care of my sister for awhile, but then couldn’t anymore as age caught up with her. She never got to taking care of my brother. For me though, I grew up with Grandma being a big part of my life. Before my parents and I got the house that I live in now and have lived in for the past 21 years, we lived for a couple months at my grandma’s house. How do I remember this? Well, I don’t...I have pictures, but as I got older she was still there, just 10 minutes away. She never turned me away and she didn’t ever seem to get tired of me being around, and boy was I around a lot! My parents would work through the day and early in the morning would drop me off at Grandma’s house. I think back and it still makes me smile to think that she was always ready for me. With no fail, she’d open that door, take my hand, and lead a half-asleep little girl to her room to curl up in this orange blanket with yellow swirly designs. The memories are still so clear and vivid in my head because it was the same thing every time, 3 times a week. Then at 9am, she’d wake me up. Little did she know that I would wake up just a couple minutes earlier and just watch her for a little bit. She would sit at the edge of her bed and pray. For what? I’ll never know, but I’m pretty sure it was for all of us. She cared that much. When it was finally time to wake up, she would get me out of bed and with each new morning, she’d tell me the secret to her beautiful, flawless skin --- “Wash your face.”I’m not sure why the right side sink never worked or why there was stuff always in it, but I’d pull the little stool under the sink and do as I was told, because while Grandma was loving, she also had a tough kind of love and you didn’t want to get her mad. She’ll tell Papa when he comes to pick me up...Breakfast was usually the same --- toast, butter, and sugar. She was the only person I knew who ever did that, but I’m glad she introduced it to me because it’s the best! I could go on and on of memories and what our days were like together, but if I shared every detail of it, it would no longer be just “our memories”, and no offense to those of you reading this, but I'd like to keep some memories just between us...As I write this, each memory scrolls in my head like an old black and white picture film, bringing a small laugh and smile, followed with a tear escaping the corner of my eye and down my cheek...cheeks that my mom says I got from my Grandma. There is one memory though that I want to share because it’s the one that I feel encompasses everything my Grandma was to me and the rest of her family. Bath time. It was a distinct memory I had of her. It’s something the Lord had preserved in my head for a reason and you’ll find out why in the end...I remember Grandma would sit me in the bathtub, grab the same footstool I used to wash my face, and sit right outside the side of the tub. With her small but strong hands, she would proceed to wash me, humming her favorite tune. My cousins, aunts, uncles, and even my parents know what tune I’m talking about...it was the same tune she’d rock us to sleep to as babies. I can still hear her smooth, soft, gentle voice humming that tune. She'd grab my favorite shampoo and start washing my hair. It’s funny because she always had that shampoo at her house. My parents never dropped it off with me. It was just part of her bathroom, and that’s because she was always ready to have me. She was always willing to take care of me. I remember even going with her to the store and picking out which Loreal Tear-Free shampoo to use. The watermelon scent still lingers as a fragrant and distant memory...Of all the moments me and Grandma had together, it was this distinct one the Lord locked and kept safe in my heart. He knew that it would mean so much more to me in her last moments here on earth. On the day my Grandma passed away, she had just been moved from the hospital back home for hospice care. Two nights ago she was taken off the BIPAP (a respiratory machine) and expected to not live for much longer. Family had flew in and we had each said our goodbyes. It was a very emotional time, but she was strong, always has been, and even off the BIPAP, her oxygen level was stable at 96%. When she was transferred, we spent the afternoon with her, saw the doctor come in, later the equipment, and even later the hospice care. Before we had left, it was time to turn Grandma and change her diaper. My dad, knowing that I had learned that stuff in nursing school, volunteered me to help my cousin. To be honest, I was reluctant at first, not because I was disgusted (nursing is a dirty job that I’m used to and I’ve seen worse); I hesitated because it’s different when it’s someone you know, when it’s family. My cousin had the same feeling. It’s like you forgot everything you learned. You just want to be extra careful and extra gentle because this is your loved one. It was then that God unlocked my little heart and brought to mind that small memory that I had tucked away...Grandma has washed me many times as a kid and now it was my turn to serve her. I still remember holding her hand and talking gently to her, explaining every little step we were doing. Her hands had become so fragile. Her arms and legs were so small, but I knew that while her body lay helpless, inside she was still fighting strong. We left to go home for a little bit with the intentions of coming back in a couple hours, but in the 1-2 hours we were gone, she had passed away. I might not have been there the moment she died, but I got the chance to do the one thing Grandma had always done for me and the rest of the family --- serve. It still makes me cry every time I think of those last moments I had with her, getting to hold her hand, speak to her, stroke her thick, salt-and-pepper-colored hair. In time, I will get to the point where it doesn’t make me cry or even feel sad; in time, I will get to the point of healing and smiling at the gift God had given me. For now, I'm holding tight to the hope of seeing her one day; I'm looking forward to that day...But as I walk through this grief, I am also holding on to the hands of amazing people in my life who have been there, walking it through with me. One of the most famous pieces of Scripture that are shared in times like this comes from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8... “There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.” (The Message) No matter what the season may be like, God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. For that, for the long and beautiful life my Grandma lives, and for the gift of eternity she is now enjoying with the Lord, I rejoice!