myflavourofhumour

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[ID: “I knew a guy who worked in a morgue, and when he was new to the job his coworkers encouraged him to prank the boss by getting in a slab in one of the drawers to to jumpscare him when he pulled him out. So he strips off, lies on the slab, and the coworkers cover him up, slide the slab away and close the door. Thing is, inside the storage there are no walls between the slabs, so he’s lying there in the dark with all the corpses becoming increasingly anxious. After about 5 minutes the corpse next to him says “cold in here, isn’t it?”, and he tries to sit up so fast he nearly knocked himself out. It was his boss on the slab next to him. End ID]

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it always always makes me laugh to swap definite and indefinite articles

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one time i was in an olive garden bathroom and my packer fell out of my shorts and this ten year old boy just looked at me with absolute terror and without thinking i said "that's what happens when you don't eat your vegetables" later i saw him eating salad at a speed no human should be capable of

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guy whose pronouns are who/whom/whose

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Today, on this fateful day in sex ed, I have to teach 25 9th graders how to put condoms on wooden dicks without losing my composure. Wish me luck lmao

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What is the most oblivious country in the world? 

Saudi Arabia, because they live under Iraq.

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[ID: A text conversion over iMessage.

“I can’t hang out tonight… I foresaw a dire omen”

“ok man”

End ID]

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HELP i think i just found the funniest thing ever