myfatpancreas

[myfatpancreas]

One of my favourite holidays of the year (despite the grinding teeth and heaving maw of capitalism that surrounds it) is Halloween, because I love dressing up. This Halloween, my partner and I decided to go as Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh because we basically had everything on hand already (yellow pants! and this hoodie I’ve been wearing to class). We went outside our house and took some shots as neighbours waved and smiled, and although I was a little self-conscious about that tummy hanging out I tried to remember that Pooh walked around without pants. We went back inside afterwards, and had a safe Halloween indoors as I got makeup over things. As a diabetic, Halloween is tricky because there’s an abundance of sweet things. I’ve learned that Halloween size chocolates are ideal for single servings, and that my new pancreatic boss actually lets me have a couple if I’m diligent. I much prefer the taste of real chocolate to keto-chocolate that’s overloaded with sweetner, so instead of going sugar-free, I just eat less of a good thing that I used to really enjoy in large doses. Not a strategy that works for everyone - but so far, it’s worked for me.  photo shot by my love, Edmonton

[myfatpancreas]

This photo was shot in an old-school hairdresser’s by Emily Welz. It was the first time I decided to show my bulging tummy, pre-diabetes and fully mentally-ill, and I was really worried that the fishnets-in-ripped-jeans looked was only accessible to skinny bodies. I was also self-conscious about my sternum tattoo, which even the tattoo artist had been a little skeptical about (I still haven’t had the courage to photograph it well). At the time, I was still doing hip-hop classes four times a week without “losing” weight (I didn’t understand that weight loss isn’t a give-and-take, and that my body works differently than others), and finally felt I had earned the right to wear stylish dance wear (fun fact: you don’t need to “earn” clothes or looks if they��re not appropriating culture). I wanted to look cool, and on set I was nervous being surrounded by so many other girls and their fake lashes and perfect contour, as I was bad at makeup at the time too. To my surprise, the photos came out AMAZING, and I felt really fucking great afterwards. No one was rude about my stomach, I got tonnes of compliments on my underboob, and I felt like a person, not a prop, not foreign in my own body for once. In these early days of starting to become a fat performer, this shoot was really essential, and I’m eager to start sharing more of these now-old photos as I’ve been too nervous before. But who cares! My fat body isn’t a reason to hold back. Tired of thinspo and outfit inspo that doesn’t look like me. Wear the fishnets, take the risk. Give me more underboob.  photo shot by Emily Welz in Roman’s Studio, Edmonton 

[myfatpancreas]

Hi friends, welcome to myfatpancreas, the longer-than-100 characters version of my experience being a well-dressed fat woman living with a new diagnosis of diabetes (type something?) and a long-term and permanent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I want to share things like my new lifestyle changes, recipes I’ve tried that haven’t fucked up my blood sugar, frustrations with care and opportunities to rant, life with both diabetes and my very serious mood disorder, navigating things like fatphobia and medical advice, and learning to love my body and all the pretty things I adorn it with. You can follow along here to yet another intimate archive of my continual survival. Welcome! photo shot by Nichole in Central Park, New York