mydiarymystory

[mydiarymystory]

To introduce myself.

TW: Depression and anxiety

I'm a college student. I first got diagnosed with depression when I was in 8th grade (14 years old). I've taken Zoloft, recently switched to Celexa, I've been in and out of therapy, I've exercised, I've journaled, I've meditated, I've kept schedules, I have friends and a supportive relationship. I followed the steps I was supposed to follow to get better. I'm in therapy. I joined a student mental health union. I'm involved in the community. I feel like I should be content at the very least.

Although some times have been better and some times have been worse, it is like I can never fully be satisfied with my life. It feels like there is something fundamentally wrong with me preventing me from being fully human. It is like I have distractions for a while, but I always simply return to the same thing. The methods therapists tell me to do help some, but never enough.

I don't know what to do anymore. My main hope is that things will be better when I graduate college, but at the same time I don't know how much the way my life is actually contributes to how I feel, or if how I feel is mainly due to my inability to cope or handle stressors that most people can.

My friends don't understand because they've never experienced this, and when I talk about it being hard to get out of bed and wanting to drop out of school and go home they don't really take it seriously. My partner listens to me, but the most they can do is say "I'm sorry you feel this way" or "that isn't true" when I talk about how I feel useless and worthless.

I'm here to share my story, I guess. More or less what I am up to. Maybe someone will read this and feel less alone.