mydepression1997

[mydepression1997]

Girlfriend

What do you do when your girlfriend keeps reminding you that when you come out to your parents that they'll not accept you nor her. That they'll make you break up with her or that they'll disown you. What do you do when she is asking you when are you coming out? What do you do when if she doesn't get her way she calls you names and compares you to someone else? What do you do if she's causing your depression to get worse? My depression has been getting worse over the past few weeks. I don't know what I should do. I feel so depressed all the time. Sometimes the things she says to me makes me want to cry.

[mydepression1997]

Guilt

My depression has gotten the best of me these past few days and I finally realized why. I feel guilty about having a girlfriend. I don't know why I do or why that is, but I do. It might have something to do with being in the closet and coming from an extremely homophobic family. It also may have to do with the fact she asks me at least once a week when I am going yo come out to my family and I am no where near ready to do that. The point is I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is normal or if I need to do some soul searching for a little while. I have no one to talk to about this, so please help me.

[mydepression1997]

How do I tell my parents I'm bi and have a girlfriend?

I need help. I'm from a VERY traditional southern baptist area, and as the title says, I don't fit in as an ideal person here. I have a girlfriend and I don't know how I tell them? I feel like I'm a disappointment to my girlfriend because I'm not out, at all. No one but my secret twitter account knows. I feel like she wants me to come out, but I'm scared. My parents are VERY VERY VERRRRYYYYY traditional. They have discussions on how stupid the LGBTQ+ community is stupid. They've said that they want them to prove that being gay is just a defect in the brain so that they can fix it. They think that asexuality is stupid. They say so much crap that they make my depression worse. It's not just them though, it's everyone in my family and in my community. I need help. Please. I'm so scared. I find know what to do. If someone would help me, or just prove I'm not alone, that would be enough. I'm posting this in a few tags with a few gay YouTubers I follow just because I need some guidance and I know there are people that follow them on here. I need help. Please. How do I do this?

[mydepression1997]

I just read through all your posts. I seriously do know how you feel about feeling so lonely and sad. But know I'm always here for you. YouTubers, Music, and Reading(Especially Harry Potter) is what helps me too. Have you ever tried drawing and coloring? Coloring can be very relaxing at times. You're amazing, don't let your thoughts get you down. And you being different isn't a bad thing. Also, being Demisexual seems like a good thing. You go for personalities rather than looks. ~Love Maddie

I can't draw to save my life. I actually crochet or knit to relax.

[mydepression1997]

Am I normal?

I live in an area where you have to be straight to be accepted, especially in my family. Lately I've been realizing that I'm not like my other friends when it came to certain things like boyfriends. I don't notice if a person is cute or not until I get to know them, and it doesn't matter if they're a male, female, or anything in between. I'm scared because I feel broken. Most of the time when I'm out with my friends they'll talk about this "cute" guy over there in the such and such, and all I ever see is just a person. I don't think they're cute, they're just some random guy. I don't have any desire to have someone kiss me or anything like that, I don't really even know how to describe it. I feel so lost and confused. I have been Googling types of sexualities, and there was one that really stuck out to me. It was called Demisexual. It means that you aren't sexually attracted to someone until you have built an emotional connection with them. It made a lot of things make sense to me, but I know that it can't be right, because I'm straight, right? It's perfectly normal to be attracted to your girl friends, right? Help me, please! I'm so lost and confused right now!

[mydepression1997]

Is there something wrong with me?

Lately I’ve been noticing that I’m different than all the other people my age. I find myself not noticing if some guy is cute that’s near me. I’m having other people point it out to me. I find myself only starting to notice that a person is cute after I’ve spent time getting to know them. I don’t bother with dates like ever other girl at my college, I just take a person to parties that I know I’ll have fun with. I’ve also started to think certain girls I’ve gotten to know are cute to, but I’m know that my family thinks this is wrong. I’ve always been interested in the LGBT+ community, but I’ve never thought that I was interested because I felt more comfortable with them than I did with others. I’ve never been comfortable with sexual touching either. When I used to kiss my ex boyfriend I felt nothing. When he used to kiss my neck I used to wish this to be over with. But at night I do find myself wishing to have someone to cuddle with. I don’t make any sense to myself. I find certain YouTubers to be attractive, but I don’t understand why my family wants me to find a boyfriend or to get married and have kids. I even frequently have thoughts on that I’ll never get married and that I’ll never have kids. I live in a small town in Mississippi, right in the middle of the Bible Belt. I know that if my family ever found out about these thoughts that I would be disowned. Can anyone here help me? Can anyone here talk to me?

@tyleroakley can you help me?

[mydepression1997]

Does it Get Better?

I’m almost through with my freshman year of college, but I’m realizing that I’m not having an easier time with my life than I was in high school. I’m struggling with accepting that people don’t want to hang out with me. I was actually walking back to my room tonight and a group of “friends” and some of them were even my sorority sisters, and I when I asked them what they were doing they said that they were going to an event on campus, I thought that maybe they would invite me to go with them for a split second, but then they began to walk off. 

I feel as though all I do is take up space. I feel as though if I were to cease to exist that no one would care. It’s gotten to the point that I had to give my roommate my pencil sharpener because the thoughts that I’m having are scaring me. I feel like that I need to hurt my self to feel anything sometimes. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m loosing hope. I feel as though no one can see that I’m drowning in an invisible ocean that’s in my mind. I’ve tried pill, therapy, telling friends, and my parents and nothing has helped. I feel like that the only things that make me happy are videos from the people in my last post. I feel like there’s someone else in my head, and it’s not me.

Help me, please.

[mydepression1997]

My Favorite People

As you can see by the title, this post is about my favorite people. The twist on this though is that my favorite people don’t know that I exist. My favorite people are Youtubers. They are able to make me laugh when I want to cry and to help me battle with my mind. Let me give you a backstory.

During my Freshmen year of college I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had known for years that I suffered from this when I started to consider suicide my Freshmen year of High School four years earlier. I admitted my struggle to a friend and she made sure I sought out the help I needed. I have this irrational fear that I am an unloved individual that no one genuinely liked, and that they only talked to me because they pitted me. 

I never told my parents about any of this, and whenever I told them that I wasn’t happy, they would tell me to suck it up and that there were people who had it so much worse than me, but I knew that. Just because I didn’t have it as bad as others did not mean that I wasn’t hurting. 

School was a terrible experience for me. I was never beaten or anything like that, but I was excluded from everything unless they needed someone to do some kind of “crazy acting role” that “only I could pull off” and if it wasn’t that, then they would ask intrusive questions about my personal life, and me being stupid I would answer because I was desperate for friendship from people. The next thing I knew I would be the victim of the schools rumor mill. I even had a teacher who made fun of me constantly, but me being raised in a house that teaches to give absolute respect to authority to teachers, I never realized until my parents told me. It got to the point that I stated planning out my suicide again and again, but for some reason, I never executed. This is where my first Youtuber comes in.

Lilly Singh AKA IISuperwomanII was the first one I ever watched. She could break me out of any spiral I found myself in when I was being consumed by my depression. I discovered her one day in my Sophomore year of High School. Lilly was the lighthouse that helped me to hold on.

From her, one day a suggested video popped up this school year from someone who is absolutely hilarious, Phil Lester, AKA AmazingPhil was the next person to help me to crawl out of my hole of despair. And of course where Phil goes on the internet, Dan Howell AKA danisnotonfire soon follows. These two helped more than you can imagine. There was actually a day last week where I was rejected from an audition for one the only things I’m actually good at, and Dan saved the day with his video on quizes about him and Phil. 

From those two I found these next two through DanAndPhilGAMES, Mark Fischbach AKA Markiplier and Sean McLoughlin AKA Jacksepticeye. These two gamers helped make me cry with laughter when nothing else could. These two also are some of the most kind hearted people on the internet. Sean is always trying to connect with his fans and to make sure that his fanbase knows how much he loves and appreciates them. Mark is the exact same way and he even uses his fame to do live streams for charities, and the charities that he helps are ones who could do so much more with the money,  and not ones who already get x amount of money a day. 

My most recent find is someone who is actually just around my age, and his name is Ethan Nestor AKA CrankGamePlays. This guy just makes me feel so much better about life when I watch him. He is just plain adorable. He’s someone who cares so much about people and tries to constantly better the world he lives in. The first time I saw him was when he was doing a colab with Mark, and those two combined had me in hysterics because they were so funny. 

These people save me and so many others without knowing it everyday. They don't even try to make a big deal about themselves. They are just regular everyday people, they just happen to be famous. These guys are my light in the darkness that depression is. I know that none of them will never see or even read this, but I wanted to write out my thank you letter to them. Without them I don’t know where I’ld be today. I know that they get a thousand of these a day and they aren’t any special, but I still need the chance to thank them from the bottom of my heart for all that they do for the world.

[mydepression1997]

Worthless

Have you ever had those days where nothing goes right for you?

Today I was heading to by first class of the day when I remembered that today the results on who would be in the talent show would be out, and so I checked by email to see if I was good enough for the freshmen talent show here on campus. Needless to say I was not. I also had a test first thing this morning, and it was awful too. I just want to sink into the darkness that’s trying to consume me, why do I even fight it? Is there anything in my life worth this?

Music was the only thing in this world that I felt as though kept me going, and helped me to feel something! It helped me get through my uncle’s murder, it helped me with my depression, it helped me with my dad’s deployment and so many more things. The only time I felt anything these days is when I'm being complimented on the one thing that I thought I was good at. Now I'm just a girl who’s not good at anything. I’m just a worthless waste of human life. The voices of  my own depression and anxiety just seems to be more right with each passing day, and the things they say scare me. 

They say that I'm a person with no talent and not friends. They say that I should start to cut myself just to feel something, anything. They say that if I were to never wake up in the morning that no one would miss me and that some may even be relieved to have me gone. They say that the people who I call my friends just hang out with me because they pity me. They tell me different ways that I can end all of this. 

My own mind is beginning to scare me, but I'm beginning to think that their right. I can’t feel anything now, and it feels like I'm drowning, but at the same time I'm still breathing. I'm still here, but I'm not sure if I want to be here anymore. The biggest question I have though is this:

Does anyone even care I'm like this?

[mydepression1997]

Alone, and Scared

You know you live a sad life when you have a little brother so worried about how you have so little social interaction that he has you hang out with his friends to try make and it seem that there are people who care about me. My family are probably the only ones who would miss me if I disappeared. I thought that being in college would help my self esteem, but it hasn’t. I feel so disinterested in everything. The only thing that keeps me going is that I have a routine and I stick to it. I don't know what I'm doing any more... I feel as though I'm just a burden to everyone around me and that no one likes me. I have sought help for this, but i feel like I'm drowning sometimes. My family doesn’t know the extent of my thoughts, they just know that I never seem to go hang out with my friends and that I have been bullied in my past. I know that people think I'm stupid for doing this, but I just need someone to prove to me that there are people out there that care about me. My own mind is terrifying me right now. It’s telling me that everyone hates me, and that no one will ever like, let alone love me. It feels like I'm suffocating, and I don't know what to do. The possibility of my dad being shipped out again is enough of a reason to keep my mouth shut, my family doesn’t need my problems on top of everything else. Is there anyone who can help me?

[mydepression1997]

Dear Uncle Eric,

It's almost been a year now since you were taken away from my family. I don't know how I've been able to deal with the pain, but it still feels like there's a giant hole in my chest and it hurts so much. The worst part is that sometimes i just look at you phone number just wanting to hear your voice again. I'm afraid that's it's already fading away from my memory. I miss you, so much. You may not be my uncle by blood, but you will always have that title.

I hope that all I've accomplished this year would have made you proud of me. I didn't do DECA this year, I don't know why, but I wanted to focus all my efforts into Chior this year, but I think it's because music has always been my coping mechanism for anything. It also could have been that I wanted to do anything in my power to use what you had taught me over the years. DECA also reminds me a lot of you because of how often you helped me with my fundraising and projects.

I graduated last week. And there was such a large whole where you should had been. I know you would have been so proud of how I finished, you saw just how hard I had to work over the years with my learning disabilities and then my heart problem. I finished 17th in the class with 7 cords and 3 metals. I even got awarded the best senior female in Chior.

It's funny, it only took you one summer to worm your way into the hearts of everyone in our family, but it only took a couple of days to have you ripped away. We tried to tell you so many times that Jackson wasn't safe, that something bad may happen, but you continued to say that your home town was perfectly safe. It was two men who decided to murder you, and I will never forgive them. One of them is even out on bail right now! It makes me sick to know that one of them got off so easy.

I miss you uncle Eric. I miss your voice, the faces you would make at things, your random texts about nothing in the middle of the night. It hurts so much! Why did it have to be you? Why?

[mydepression1997]

Love

I'm too fat I'm too ugly I'm too clingy I'm too loud I'll never be good enough These are the things that bounce around my head when I wonder why I'm eighteen and have only had one boyfriend! The only reason that that one even wanted me was because of how pitiful I am and he felt sorry for me. I'm the ugly girl that no guy ever wants. I'm the girl who's mom has to find a prom date for. I'm the girl that is so ugly that the date for prom went and found another date for prom just so he wouldn't have to be seen with me at his prom. When my little brother talks about how he's going to be the best uncle ever and how he can't wait to spoil my future kids rotten, I can't help but think, " What future kids? I'm so ugly that no guy would ever want me. Let alone have a family with me." Whenever school dances happen I go just so I don't have to hear my mom nag me about why don't I go to those things. I never get to dance with any guys except for the older "brothers" (aka the upperclassmen who took pity on me) and I never will. I'm always going to be the ugly girl. There is no happy ending for me, there is no prince that's going to come in and sweep me off my feet. I'm afraid of the disappointment my mom will have for me when I get older, but oh well. That's just how my life will be.

[mydepression1997]

Friends

Have you ever had that moment where you’re having this big event and your parents tell you to invite your friends? When this happens to me I’ll invite almost everyone I can think of, and they’ll either: A- Not respond B- Tell me they’ll think about it getting my hopes up and then when I double check to make sure weather or not that they’re coming, they’ll cancel.

This may not seem like a big deal, but it happens every time unless it’s my birthday. It wouldn’t hurt nearly as bad if my little brother didn’t have every single one of the people he invites come. I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I know I’m not very well liked by some people, but I wish people would tell me that they don’t like me out right instead of just letting me think that I have a friend when all I have is just people who pity me enough to put up with me.

I know I’m an awful person to think this way, but I can’t help but wonder, do I even have any friends?

[mydepression1997]

Fandoms

I know none of the Harry Potter people will see this, and I know that if they do they will have seen a million of these. The Harry Potter series isn’t just my favorite series, it was the coping mechanism that I used while my father was overseas 5 years ago. 
When I was starting my middle school career, I was not well liked by the kids in my grade. I had 3 learning disabilities that I had just been recently diagnosed with and began the therapy for as well, which explained why I had never loved reading. The teasing and bullying though, drove me to seek shelter in the library, where I sat by myself in the corner during break so I wouldn’t have to deal with more than I already was. 
My mother also found out that she has autoimmune disease while my father was fighting as well. She would come home from work feeling terrible, so she would take naps until it was time for dinner. I grew up faster than I should have during this time period because of all that I was having to deal with. 
While in my corner of the library, I found a battered copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” and began to read. That was the day I discovered the joy of reading, and took a wonderful journey away from my troubles, if only for a little while. From that moment onward, Harry and the gang were my best friends. 
While things at home did get better, dad came home from war just fine and mama got the medicine and things that she needed, but school never got any easier. In fact it only got harder until this year. This year, I switched schools. I’m now at a school where I can be my self and never have to watch my back constantly for bullies. I love my life, and if it wasn’t for Harry, I might not have made it. Thank your J.K. Rowling, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, and everyone else involved with Harry Potter.

[mydepression1997]

Spiral

It’s funny how when you are at the peak of happiness, the smallest word from the right person can send you into a downward spiral. That is what happened to me tonight while coming out of the new Avengers movie. I was so happy about the movie as we’re walking out of the theater my little brother informed me that I was so annoying during the movie that he just wanted to punch me in the face. This upsets me because the only thing that brings my dad, little brother, and I together is comic books. To be told by the person that I can relate to through the experience that I was annoying and that he wanted to hurt me sent me spiraling downwards once again. My family has no idea of my troubles and thinks of me as a drama queen, but through years of bullying at school I have scars that they can’t see, comic books and just books in general help me escape. The spiral started with this little voice in my head telling me that the world would be better off if I were to get hit by a car and just die. From there it turns into echoes of my past tormentors from school. My father makes my brother apologize, but I can hardly hear him. He then asks my family if we’re hungry, and all I can hear is that I’m too fat and need to starve so that I wouldn’t be so ugly. And maybe if you weren’t so ugly then you wouldn’t have been so tormented. The words just kept bouncing around in my head, and I know it will be a long sleepless night fighting my demons back into a cage so I can pretend to be happy again. So that I can put on my mask and fool my family and “friends” that I’m a perfectly okay and that what happened in the past has not hurt me when it has, so much so that I wear a mask so well that everyone believes it.