myanxietykills-blog - Tumblr blog

myanxietykills-blog · 6 years ago

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Hey there... so I created this account to talk about my anxiety but as I typed my first post my anxiety attacked and I couldn’t convince myself to post. Tonight however I am going to post and talk about a time that anxiety got the best of me. This isn’t the first time it has happened nor will it be the last. I have what is considered high funtioning anxiety, though I feel very low functioning at times, combined with some depression. Just to set the tone for my head space.

In 2018 I got married. As per usual my bridesmaids threw me a bachelorette party. Now we were all under 21 at the time so we couldn’t go out, so when asked what I wanted to do I said drink and play games.

Due to my anxiety and some happenings in my past I pretty much hate games unless they are card games or I already know them really well. This is the reason I wanted to drink, that way we could play any game and I would still get into the game. (I know that sounds horrible but it was my bachelorette too so I figured why not have like a drink, feel buzzed, play some games).

Then the night finally came and my maid of honor had been dropping hints that we would be going somewhere (she was not in the country so had to try and help with plans by text, not so easy but she managed it pretty well). So I get to my bridesmaids house that night and they have pizza and a game and say we are staying in. That’s okay with me it’s something I know well and easy to relax with. Then they inform me that basically I am not aloud to drink (at my own bachelorette?) and if I really feel the need I can go to my own house (right up the hill)???

Alright whatever that is fine with me but at this point if we don’t just stick to games I already know super well I am pretty much the biggest ball of anxiety. That’s when they whip out a new game that I have never ever heard of in my entire life! This game required a decent amount of talking because it is one of the games where at the end you have to figure out who the “spy” is and point them out to win.

Now this new game may seem like no big deal to some people. However, I basically have voices screaming at me all the time that whatever I am thinking is ridiculously stupid and to basically keep my mouth shut or I will lose my friends, it’s just quite the fun time in my head most days.

So we start the game and I am so quiet the whole time that I keep getting pointed out just because I am not saying anything and I was smiling (that’s how I have panic attacks most of the time, just very internalized) even though I was pretty much never the “spy.”

After playing that game for a little bit everyone decided they were ready to go lay down and sleep. And that is how I spent basically my entire bachelorette party in panic attack mode and none of the 5 people around me could even tell.

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