my-secret-sapphic-lover

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

12:21 PM

Dear Readers,

Jesus Christ That Took Me Half An Hour To Write.

Also wow, I am already a very different person now than I was then. I kind of want to cringe into a ball and disappear into the shadows like a little gremlin, but that wouldn’t be very befitting of the persona I’ve so “carefully” crafted, huh?

Here’s to self growth and being a simpy, sapphic little fool for another year, I guess.

With Mass Amounts of First-Hand Embarrassment,

Cecil

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

11:58 AM

Whomever Comes Across This,

I am back! I was honestly under the impression this account was would you derelict and dead as I moved in in life and school, and yet here I am.

“What event was significant enough to bring you back here, Cecil?” You may be asking.

“Today is me and My Girlfriend’s Two Year Anniversary,” I will soon respond.

Today is me and My Girlfriend’s Two Year Anniversary. I love her more than I ever have before, and yet I am flabbergasted we made it this far.

My Girlfriend is in the closet, and thus so is our relationship. However, it’s hardly a secret from my family and our close friends. Honestly, most people just assume we’re dating in the outside world anyways, and it was a joke for so long that we just pretend it still is when we’re in public.

I digress, while I am here today because of our Two Year Anniversary, I am also here because of something much smaller. Perhaps, however, it is just as meaningful.

It was a text I got. My mother, having access to my calendar (I am a very, busy person and thus I have a calendar detailing all of my professional, academic, and social life I share with my family so we can plan around it) must have caught that today is our anniversary. However, I did not expect a text today. It was quite small, really- barely a pleasantry to many. She said,

“Happy anniversary to you and Your Girlfriend.”

That punctuation exactly, minus the pseudonym, of course.

I don’t know how to describe how it feels to not only have my relationship acknowledged, but celebrated, even if in the most minor and passing of ways. I’m not sure why this is sticking to me so much, emotionally. I could theorize and rhapsodize all day, but I’m honestly not sure. However, it means a lot, and I guess I never thought I would be a person who got this. I’m not quite sure how to verbalize what this is, but I just kind of forgot that this was a thing I could have.

I’ve gone on another tangent, however, and I really need to continue practicing my cello, as I’ve gotten sidetracked from that as well.

I guess, thank you, Mom. And to any of you who may be celebrating anniversaries in secret,

“Happy (belated) Anniverary to You and Your Partner.”

Sincerely,

Cecil

(P.s. I really don’t know how to refer to my girlfriend anymore in these, but I think I’ve outgrown “Froggie” or whatever I used to use. Maybe a comically evil name like “Azazel” or “Abbadon”? Wait- no… that’s what I’ve been naming my Pokémon…)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

4:07 AM

Tired, but Coping, Readers,

I am making a series of codes translated into a series of illustrations that I will then gift to my girlfriend to solve on her birthday which will reveal the message, “I love you,” if solved correctly.

I have the same amount of money as a recently bankrupt, irresponsible business owner. That is to say, I have very little money. My dearest’s birthday is coming up soon, and unfortunately, or fortunately, if you think about it in the right way, I do not have the funds to buy her some extravagant gift.

However, what I lack in monetary wealth, I hope to make up for in brain wealth. Here is my plan.

On my dearest’s birthday, I plan to gift her an illustration. This illustration will have objects that, when given several ciphers, only one of which is correct, will lead to a series of codes and puzzles she must solve in order to reveal the final message. As she is in the closet, I find that making codes is a great way to not only bond and stimulate both of our minds, but to tell her how much I adore her.

Perhaps, with the amount of work I’ll put her through with this, I should give her a more meaningful, longer message. However, wouldn’t that just make translating and deciphering it that much more tedious? So, I simply plan to tell her,

“I love you.”

I hope the experience may be enough, and that I can properly convey the depth of my adoration through the work I plan to put into this.

Executive function, please be kind to me...

Sincerely,

Cecil (a connesieur of puzzles)

P.s. I feel very Sherlocky, and it makes me happy.

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

Things I Won’t Miss When I Move Out (With You)

10:41 PM

Dear Fantabulous Foregoers,

        Today, we talked about what we’d be looking forward to when we had our own place. When She responded, She automatically put me in the picture she painted for her future life. She would cook with the music on... and with me. She even went so far when I mentioned how relieving it would be to do the dishes with no lectures on my technique to question why I assumed she wouldn’t. Well, I know she wouldn’t, or at least, not with the same condescension I’ve experienced previously. 

Goodness, do I love this lady.

Sincerely,

Cecil (adoring)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

1:14 AM

My Dearest Readers,

What are the holidays without the holigays (pardon the slang).

It’s holiday season! In my opinion, the time for eggnog and cozy fireplace book reading lasts between the first of November to the fourteenth of January. I only wish I could snuggle up with a cuppa and my dearest under an oversized blanket, the smell of firewood and her perfume and the smell of the sleet outside to lull me into a slumber as we watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. Is that too much to ask of you, sweet universe that holds me captive?

Sincerely,

Cecil (who wishes she owned more slacks and tall socks)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

Yes! I just discovered DGS and I am MOST JOYFUL!

Sherlock Holmes from Ace Attorney is Asexual!

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

1:49AM

Most Dear and Appreciated Readers,

I cannot sleep.

This is a problem. I do not know how to solve it, and it is making me jittery.

Sincerely,

Cecil (who cannot sleep)

P.s this is adorable!

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

Dating in the Closet

12:03AM

Nearest, Dearest Readers, 

For the first 4 years after discovering my identity as an asexual Sapphic, I never had to worry about being in the closet. I now have a girlfriend to worry about. I do not try to hide my queerness in particular, and I have been told I come off as “not straight” by several random peers. However, I do not consciously attempt to make my status as a queer woman known. My girlfriend cannot afford the same liberty. So, as it were, we find ourselves dating in the closet. 

I do now have to consciously hide my identity from several groups of people, girlfriend aside, but sometimes it can be especially draining for her to be witness to her family’s homophobic tendencies. To her family, we are the epitome of “gal pals,” even if we are both completely out to my own family. I have to admit, it can be hard. There’s a certain level of affection I am not granted to give her, which would be fine if it were her own boundaries, uninfluenced by our environment. Clearly, that is not always the case. 

I created this blog so I could brag about my girlfriend, and how intelligent and funny and beautiful she is, inside and out, because I cannot safely say much about her in real life. Of course a group of close friends knows of us, but the repercussions of more than that group even knowing we might be dating could be disastrous for her family and her mental health.

To me, this struggle is worth it, because my dear Froggie is worth most trials I go through. However, it is a big commitment. This post is to all of the queer people who are dating in the closet, as it were. If the secrecy is more than you are willing to give, that is okay. Your boundaries and needs in a relationship are valid, so long as you do not involuntarily out someone else in the process. However, to everyone who cannot hold hands in public, cannot brag about their beautiful QPP(s) or lover(s), I dedicate this post to you. Your struggles and efforts are not in vain, and your boundaries and feelings and doubts are valid. However, keep hanging on if that is something you are willing to do, because there is a light at the end of this... secret tunnel. With communication and teamwork, you and your partner will find a place, someday, somewhere, where you live your honest and out truth. 

At the very least, that is what I tell myself to make the bittersweet longing burn less on my own tongue.

Sincerely, 

Cecil (truly enchanted)

P.s. sorry for the long post!

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

I Made a Froggy for My Froggie

11:41pm

Star Lit Starlet Readers, 

The 6 month anniversary of myself and my girlfriend, Froggie, is tomorrow. Neither of us could make the time in the middle of the week to celebrate it, unfortunately, but we have designated this following weekend for a small sort of congratulatory meet. 6 months perhaps is not forever, but why ever can one not just enjoy this small sort of accomplishment? At least, it is important enough to me that I have sewn a small frog plush, who until she names them will be named Cecil (cheeky, I know). They have two, multi colored, button eyes, a satin belly, and a light green bow around their neck. We are going to pick out homecoming outfits for eachother, since we cannot and should not attend homecoming this year.

Sincerely,

Cecil (utterly enamored)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

“Because I Love You...”

10:03 PM,

Wondrous Wall Watchers,

Froggie (my love), and I made chocolate chip, pudding cookies. Ceremonially, we each removed between 2-3 rings so we wouldn’t have to clean dough out of it later. She handed me a chocolate chip whilst some of them baked and simply said,

“Because I love you.”

She then gave one to herself, and said I did not need to give her one when I asked. I think I am going to giver her some sort of chocolate chip themed gift. Nothing big, as the next opportunity to give gifts is our 6-month anniversary. Sure, it is a small accomplishment of sorts, but nothing to go spending exuberantly much on. Besides, I much prefer making gifts, anyways. 

The cookies taste delicious, if not too sweet for my taste. 

Sincerely, 

Cecil (utterly charmed)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

My Muse (aka My Girlfriend)

4:15 PM

Most Wondrous Viewers,

I am required to draw a figure exhibiting foreshortening for an art class I will be attending come the new semester. Choosing a subject was not very difficult. I could have chosen to instead draw architecture or a landscape, but what are rocks and mountains compared to my wondrous muse, Froggie? She’s recently taken on vintage fashion, which will give me an even more interesting subject, though she could come to me wearing a potato sack dress and corn shuck socks and I would still think she radiated beauty. The only remaining issue is having enough time to set up a date, take proper photos, thumbnail, sketch, and finish this ink drawing before the semester starts in a week. Oh, and did I mention I have 17 other pieces left of my break work to finish as well?

Have Mercy on My Poor Soul,

Cecil (who sports executive dysfunction on the daily)

p.s. I love this gif.

p.p.s. I just realized that I can post from my laptop. This is much easier and I am a fool for not noticing this sooner.

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

11:49 PM,

Dear Readers,

I am exhausted. I went to summer camp after being guilt tripped into it during a world wide pandemic, and while I made the best of it and am suffering no symptoms as of yet, the only thing keeping me sane are my best friend and my girlfriend.

Froggie strange in the most beautiful way possible, and I cannot begin to describe how much her simple existence fuels me.

She is my muse for art, and my muse for going on. Of course, I can function without her, as any person in a healthy relationship ought to. However, she enriched my life so much she is often the silver lining to most my troubles, from trivial to traumatizing.

I may have exeperienced what may have been an anxiety attack last week, but at least I’m dating Froggie, who has promised to bake cake with me and watch the 2005 Pride and Prejudice now that it’s come out on Netflix (my favorite movie and book) as well as play persona with me.

Sincerely,

Cecil (emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

2:10 AM

Dear, dear readers,

Dealing with stress is unimaginably difficult as well as ongoing, even after you can identify its irrationality.

Current life events have led me to a state of mind where I am not only terrified of disappointing the people around me, but terrified of disappointing myself.

I have recently realized that many of my insomniatic tendencies stem from me fearing that going to sleep admits defeat- that I am a failure- that I have failed. At what you ask? I am still trying to figure that out.

What I can say is that there is one silver lining. I appreciate Froggie (the name I have dubbed to be my secret sapphic lover’s alias to be for the time being. I like frogs and I think she would find it strange but endearing if she ever finds this account- unlikely, as she does not use Tumblr) more than I would have known otherwise. I have a shake inducing fear of failing myself and those around me. My worst fear is to disappoint those I hold closest to my heart.

“Even if I think I’m a failure, at least I’m dating Froggie- and she’d never think I’m a failure.”

It works every time to lessen, if only marrinally, my fear. Failure is so important to growth and learning. I know this perhaps better than a lot of people around me. The love she strikes into my heart is unaccompanied by fear, and perhaps that is why I know so well I could not fail her- if I was poor, if I could not do something correctly, if I think I am falling behind. That will not stop me from my endless efforts to be everything for her, I would hang the moon if I could, but I know she will still take me if I cannot.

Sleep well, drink water, and please, please know that there is someone who you could never fail, and for good reason. Your failure is only the beginning of your path to success, and you will get there, because you can be strong, and you can be brave, and you can never be a failure to those who truly love you, even if those people are not your girlfriend.

With love,

Cecil (very tired, but making it)

P.s. trying to tell myself this post is not as pathetic looking as it seems. This is an anonymous vent account for me, goddammit, and these are my emotions to vent as I so choose!

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

5:49PM

Lovely Listeners,

Imagine writing compliments and then turning them into codes for your girlfriend to break.

We are a very nerdy couple, as I have been informed. We have started a habit recently of disguising our compliments through multiple codes for the other one to puzzle and piece together. She is a decent bit more clever than myself, but I’ll take credit for at least starting this fun back and forth. Unfortunately, the last code she gave me brought me some confusion, and She eventually had to tell me that it was in fact Morse code, but I just forgot to check if it was backwards. I send her puzzles back, and we just have a generally merry time. A gay time, some might say.

Sincerely,

Cecil (who is very nerdy)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

5:04AM

Dear readers,

Please. Be responsible with your platform, your rights, and your privileges.

kanye west: i’m running for president

all of us who have already gotten used to 2020’s fuckery:

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

4:06 PM

Fantastical Viewers,

I missed my Girlfriend so much last week.

Over this past week I got to view/camp at some amazing water falls whilst hiking. However, it would have been so much more wonderful had She been there. Lucky for me, we were still able to text eachother our daily goodnight when I had a signal. At the very least, I can share a lovely moment in time at this wonderful location with you!

Sincerely,

Cecil (back from hiking)

[my-secret-sapphic-lover]

1:37 AM,

Midnight Watchers,

If I could eradicate one organism from this wretched planet, it would be ticks.

If I may, could we all take a moment to appreciate how universally everyone should hate ticks? For context, I have just come back from a rather long hiking/canoeing venture, hence my sudden, week long hiatus, and boy did I remember why I hate ticks.

On the bright side, my girlfriend texted me every night and complimented my face, even when I was clearly covered in grime, sweat, and sand. I was objectively gross, and yet she still somehow found something beautiful in that. How she wins over my heart yet more every day, we may never know.

I also have a very mild sunburn on my back as I cannot reach it well with sunscreen and my mixed race genes were not strong enough to battle off my whiteness. I have no aloe. I am very itchy, burny, and generally uncomfortable. However, I am still dating my Girlfriend, so I am happy.

Sincerely,

Cecil (Sunburnt and Tick-Bitten)