my-private-mausoleum

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I want to be someone that someone checks up on every day. More specifically, I I want him to check up on me every day. I want him to care. I want to know he cares. But he doesn’t. Not like I do.

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Happy Birthday to my music hero, Frank Iero!

(Photo credit Rock Sound)

Happy Halloween!!

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Job hunting is so stressful. Taking assessments and waiting for emails and calendar invites and interviews — UGH!

And the waiting and waiting and waiting…

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Seriously thinking of copying Gerard’s hair.

source

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I’m feeling super depressed because I missed My Chem’s show down in Miami. I thought once it had passed, I’d get over it, but it feels like a knife to my chest still. I pray they tour again, and honestly I hope they don’t drop a new album so all they play is songs off that if they do. I should have tried harder — I should have made it work. I’m going to regret this for a long time.

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Frank likes my job. That’d make being stuck working there forever worth it if he strolled in and ordered some Broccoli Cheddar soup.

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I always said men in skirts just didn’t do it for me, and then here comes Gerard— doing it for me.

src. 

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So I’m trying this again, since it’s the 1st. I don’t know what the little box is for, but I’m not messing with it.

This song needs no introduction or explanation.

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My idol forever.

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So I missed the show.

I know there are YouTube videos I can watch (I did watch “I Never Told You What I Do For a Living”), but I’m not ready for that, but I can finally listen to their music again.

It was a blow, that’s for sure, but life goes on.

I’ve been listening to Frank a lot lately. It’s a nice alternative, but “Record Ender” keeps coming on, and I’m realizing how much my abuser ruined that song for me. I know I say I’m okay, it doesn’t bother me, but there are times, like when that song comes on, that it does. Maybe it’s time for some therapy about the whole ordeal. Maybe I do need some intense trauma therapy. I’ve tried, but I’ve had two therapists quit on me after one session (not my fault — I think they got fired) and I took that as a sign that I don’t need it.

I also blew an interview that I thought was a sure thing this week. I feel like I’m going to be stuck at the cafe making pennies forever.

Deciding on a school is almost too much that my brain can take. I feel like I should just go to the local school (even though I’m doing everything online), but they’re so many other variables to consider. It’s almost too much and makes me question if I’m really ready for this.

Those are just some of my brief thoughts for right now. Nothing poignant or anything.

Oh, and I broke up with Jonny, the cheating bastard. So all I do is sleep, watch movies, and eat. I really need some friends around here.

Also, one more thought. Well, two. I’m going to make all my entries public, since that lying bastard is out of my life.

The other is that today, I had to erase all my old voicemails, and being an emotional packrat, it’s really bothering me. I just keep thinking what if person X dies and I lost all their old voicemails? That is how my mind works.

I think I’ll be writing a lot more coming up. I know I should and how positive it is for me.

Okay, I made w bracelet and now I think it’s time to finish the movie I started like an hour and a half ago.

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I always knew that I wanted to help people, to go into healthcare in some capacity, but I never thought it would be in counseling. I was torn as an undergrad: to go into the field of psychology or medicine, so I followed my love at the time and chose the former. I enjoyed the program, particularly learning about disorders and the brain, but once I graduated, even though I knew I wanted to further my education, graduate school didn’t happen, so I did what every 20-something did — I got a job. I was lucky enough to land a position at a company called Psychological Assessment Resources, Inc., but after the glow of being employed wore off, all it did was show me that I didn’t want to be a psychologist at all. I hated the complex math involved in the tests, and how that’s all psychology seemed to be — testing. Rarely did I talk to a doctor who seemed to have a relationship with their client; it seemed to be a simple work-up on an individual and off they went.

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So these are my morning pages. I’m not doing them in the morning today because I just looked at the page this evening. I don’t have a notebook or a pen because it hurts me to write, so I’m guesstimating How long three pages would be.

I’m talking to Jonny about drugs. The guy that he’s buying them from has coke, which of course I want, but I’m not getting any because of what happened last year. I don’t need another addiction and I guess I’m a little proud of myself for turning it down.

It just feels like it’s one thing after another with him. Last night I found out he hooked up with a guy while we were on a week or so break. I know he was allowed to do that, but it just is hurtful that he did it so quickly, and now that he’s looking at buying more drugs it makes me worry that he’ll just do it again and then blame the drugs.

I feel guilty about the time I’m not spending with Spaghetti. The poor cat lives in the garage, and I feel like I never see her. I tried to let her into the house this evening, but she just laid under the table and meowed like crazy when my mom went to to the door to go outside. I wish I could have a normal relationship with my cat.

I think this would fill up three pages for a normal person, so I’m going to stop here and write more tomorrow.

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I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions. Is he really the asshole that my friend is trying to make him out to be? And convincing me that he is? Or is he really the person that he says he is? And what about this crush I have?

The crush is off-limits anyway, so I should just put it out of my head. I can’t imagine going over there and seeing him. It would be too hard.

I just don’t know what to do. Is my friend just projecting? I know she’s been through a lot and just wants to keep me safe, but is she doing more harm than good? Is she putting thoughts in my head that wouldn’t be there otherwise?

Trust is hard to build, and it’s even harder to rebuild so early in a relationship; but that’s what I’m trying to do right now. I don’t know who to believe or if I should trust my gut or my mind or none of them at all.

It’s just getting out of hand. Is this too much for such a young relationship?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, and neither does anyone else.

I feel like I’m going insane.

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I hope he can’t get it up.

I hope nothing happens. I feel sick to my stomach right now. And unsafe. And grossed out.

And just… FUCK.

It was nice being the center of attention for a while, but I guess he’d rather get his dick sucked than spend the night talking to me.

I understand the whole sexual curiosity thing but I feel no different than I would if he told me some girl was pulling into the driveway. And now to think of what they’re doing right this.very.second.

Maybe if I cancel tomorrow, it’ll make make a point. A couple weeks ago, I thought it was hot. A couple weeks ago, I didn’t see things being like this. I need to take another half a pill and go to sleep because I can’t take this nauseous feeling.

God, if you’re up there, please bless him with momentary ED.

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This should be fun!

I’m not taking the time to edit the picture though. You get YouTube videos and stolen pictures.

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Anyone know how to change a secondary blog to your main blog?

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Has he aged a day?

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