my-name-isnt-slick

[my-name-isnt-slick]

Flat

I lie flat in my bed

My mind isn’t there

I’m flat in my head

No highs no lows

Not living not dead

Just existing and lying

Flat in my bed

[my-name-isnt-slick]

Look at those roots! My other two cuttings are just starting to sprout some of their own too. It’s been so encouraging to see these little guys grow and the greenery really adds some joy to my space

[my-name-isnt-slick]

Today I did the dishes.

“

Today I did the dishes,

Which may sound like something small

But lately I’ve been struggling

To do anything at all.

I watched the dishes pile up

And my body went unwashed,

While my brain told me “you’re worthless”

And I couldn’t make it stop.

But today I washed the dishes

And I’m counting that as a win,

As I rise above the depression fog

And breathe the fresh air in.

”

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

I try to make art with my words,

But they stumble mumble fumble out of my mouth.

So elegant in my brain

Yet so jumbled when they come out.

”

[my-name-isnt-slick]

Day 1 of trying to make something positive grow out of my journey with depression

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

The tears come unexpectedly and uninvited

at exactly the wrong time.

Not when I’ve been wronged or hurt or insulted,

but when someone has been especially kind.

Why can I accept pain and sadness,

but not your kindness or your love?

Accept the wounds from angry fighting,

but not a gentle kiss or hug?

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

No Words

(cw: sexual assault)

“

My voice may get caught

Deep down in my throat,

When the words “me too”

Are too hard to say.

But can you not see it?

It’s in the half moons I dig

On the inside of my palms,

And the skin that’s missing

From my now-silent lips.

It’s in my unsteady breaths,

In my unfocused eyes,

And the way I pull back

When your hands touch my hips.

Because in these moments,

I’m no longer present.

I’m in the back of that car,

My face pressed to the seat

And he is inside of me.

Everything in me screams “no!”

But my voice is a whisper;

Too drunk then to make it stop,

Too ashamed now to make it better.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

Your love is guarded

Under lock and key,

And somehow that made it

Appear valuable to me.

But love given freely

Isn’t cheap or absurd;

It’s beautiful and pure

And it’s what I deserve.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

‘Just friends’ you say

And my heart is through the floor.

I hadn’t even realized

How much I wanted to be more.

Your words don’t match your actions

And now my face won’t match my feelings

Because you treated me like I was special

And let my hopes go through the ceiling.

How could we seem so in sync

And yet have been so far off base,

When you always knew what I needed to hear

With just one look at my face?

When we trusted each other deeply

With all our darkest thoughts and secrets?

And enjoyed every second we spent together

Even when our nights were sleepless?

When you always, always had my back

And taught me what it means to feel safe?

And you saved me a seat or a private look

So I never, ever felt out of place?

If that’s what platonic love is,

Then what’s the point of having romance?

I want to be your one and only

But you’re too scared to take that chance.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

My body weighs one thousand tons

And can’t get out of bed.

I want to get up and be productive

But my mind is filled with lead.

It’s easier to just lay here

And hope it all will go away,

But it’s impossible to feel happy

When depression gets its way.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

I want you

And you want me,

So why are we scared

To just let it be?

Love is confusing

And emotions are hard

But sometimes you have to

Just follow your heart <3

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

I’m coming out

A little late to the game,

Unsure of the rules

But so eager to play.

I’ll try not to foul

Or get anyone hurt

While I start figuring out

What it’s like to like girls.

But first things first,

I need more players to play.

But the circles I run in

Are devastatingly straight.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

The future is uncertain,

My mind’s a scary place.

But it always gets a little clearer

When I’m looking at your face.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

We make jokes and laugh

At the pain that we share.

Morbid as it seems,

Jokes are easier to bear.

My depression and my father

Don’t feel like such a burden,

When I have a friend who also

Can find humor in the hurting.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

Finally.

I gathered up the courage

To say what’s been on my mind,

But then fate intervened

And the moment passed by.

So now you’ll never know

How you make my cold heart warm,

That your smile makes me swoon

And you never make me bored.

That your quick wit drives me crazy

And your brief touch makes me shiver.

That you make me a better person

And make my joy flow like a river.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

I can’t let myself disappear

Or slip my head under the water.

Because I have responsibilities;

Because I’m somebody’s daughter.

Sometimes I want to let go,

Stop fighting against the tide,

See where the waves might take me

If I swam out into the night.

“

[my-name-isnt-slick]

“

I finally let my guard down

When I thought I was over you,

But now it’s back to being easy,

And I remember what I was drawn to.

Your name lights up my phone

And then that lights up my face

Because I never don’t want to hear from you,

Never feel like I need space.

I hate myself for wanting more

From such an amazing friend,

But even if you don’t feel the same

I hope our good vibes never end.

“