my-internal-hysteria - Tumblr blog

[my-internal-hysteria]

December 18th, 2022

[my-internal-hysteria]

I've unintentionally been whittling down how much i eat with my meds lately.. or.. that's what I've been telling myself. Writing it out makes me feel otherwise.. I'm aware of what's happening. And i let it happen. No, i really it to happen. Why don't i want to eat..? Maybe because it means I have to make an effort to get out of bed. Which eventually turned into storing snacks by my bed so i have something to eat just to take my meds with. However, just now, i took only a few bites of my white cheddar popcorn snack, came to the conclusion it tastes weird, then have up eating it and just took my meds. And my body just kinda asked it without the usual stomachache. Hold on– it's catching up a little after saying that. But i think it's because i'm rationing my water because i only had less than a bottle left in my room. I usually get up and fill it when i go downstairs to feed the cats. And to pee.. which is something I've been pushing off later and later in the day for a couple weeks now. I've been able to ignore the urgency to pee by not moving very much in my bed. I'm aware that this isn't healthy. But i guess i don't care..i should care, but i don't. Which is a warning sign. For what, i don't really know..i feel like my mind is intentionally avoiding the topic within myself.. but this is certainly not healthy. Also my poor cats wait longer and longer for their meals. I do regularly refill their bowl of dry food between meals, at least. But that's not enough. They need stability; they need scheduled meal times that are consistent everyday day. But I'm not consistent with my own meals..i don't know.. I'm just so damn picky about what i can and will eat. Which is a list that is seemingly less and less as time passes. Am i just being lazy? I definitely think that was what started these behaviors. And the fact i hate finding food to eat in the kitchen then finding a place to sit down to eat it. All the tables are covered in stuff. Sone of it is my own stuff. But i just leave them everywhere. As does everyone else. It's really aggravating, to everyone, but we all do it. This is one of the many reasons i really enjoyed living away from home. That and also leaving behind the obnoxious unnecessary arguments with Mom.. I hate how she nitpicks everything, every little weird used so the sentence makes sense and that we're on the same page or else we get no where. And she'll bring it back up at some point if we didn't find a way to agree on something.. Which is always her opinion. And lately her memory has been getting worse, so she often gets super stubborn over things she thought did it did not actually happen. It's incredibly frustrating. I completely understand why Dad stopped pushing anything any further when talking to Mom. He just wanted the confrontation to end ASAP. It's extremely passive aggressive, and has always made an unhealthy impact on my life growing up. But I can see why he does it.. And I know it's unhealthy. I know why he's always shutting down discussing anything that will require any follow-up conversation. It's been incredibly difficult talking about things, especially sensitive topics, throughout my life. And it's gotten so much worse whenI reached adulthood. Her never takes me seriously. It's just always a "yeah, whatever" attitude, followed by "we're done talking about this". Sometimes it's led to severe consequences in my mind, twisting my thoughts; leaving behind thoughts of "no one cares how I feel". But I know that's not true.. People online have proved that time and time again. But I've become less and less comfortable with people praising me over the years. It's at the point that it damages me when people meant compliment me or actions. I will always counter their words, finding any way to prove that I'm still incapable of being better. And I absolutely mean what I say, even though I know that they were being genuine when they paise me. I imagine it must come off as negative, but people take it as me being humble.. So they usually will double-back and try to prove why I deserve the praise.

[my-internal-hysteria]

I think I've been so harsh on myself sooo much more lately because I've been trapped with my family for so long.

My mother nitpicks every. little. detail.

For everything.

She always has a comment to make.

For everything.

And I have been struggling to do anything,

do everything.

It's like I hear her inside my head,

picking out things I did or didn't do yet.

For everything.

And I just want to hide.

From everything.

[my-internal-hysteria]

8:00pm

Me to my Dad after asking for a hug:

I'm just really sad about Katlyn...

Dad: Don't.

Me: ..what?..

Dad: Don't. You're gonna have all these thoughts running through your head, just don't.

Me: *shocked, struggling to find something to say* ..well, also about her funeral–

Dad: When's the funeral?

Me: ..I don't know yet–

Dad: *shakes his head at me, then turns back to the tv, clearly done with convo*

Me: .... *still shocked, but drops it and walks away*

«–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––»

8:30pm

Mom was struggling with bringing the laundry up from downstairs. I run over to assist her. She's clearly frustrated as we both try to figure out what I can grab, then things start dropping on the floor. I just start grabbing the clothes on top before those topple over too. Mom's cursing and blaming me for everything, while also going on about how she needs fresh clean clothes every day (doctor's orders befause surgery soon). I grab what I can and try marching forward, with her following behind, as Dad walls into the kitchen. I try to hold back a panic attack (unsuccessfully) and charge to her room to pit the clothes down. Mom is STILL going on about the order of her clothes and getting them dirty. I show her that the clothes I grabbed are still sorted, but it's pointless. I run and grab the last bit of clothes she dropped on the stairs, then run away as my panic attack takes full control of my body. I hear mom ask if I'm okay in the distance. I race to the stairway to my room to shut the door. It's the only place I could manage quickly before I crumple over myself, hitting the floor beneath me. My difficulty breathing, my sobs, and my screams are all that's left of me. My sister calls from the top of the stairs if she can help. "NEED" and "ALONE" are the last coherent words I manage before the lack of oxygen cuts me off–

October 11, 2020

[my-internal-hysteria]

June 29th, 2021

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Song: "I Want You Back" by Hobo Johnson

[my-internal-hysteria]

I'm washing the dishes in the kitchen.

I'm preparing the food for the cats.

I'm feeling inspired after this latest telehealth session.

I'm practicing how Zoey, the role I've been cast for, would sound in various situations.

I'm excited to finally get going on this project.

I'm looking at my bed, mentally prepping myself to make it into a makeshift desk space.

I'm going through the lengthy process of setting up my pc to connect to my tv and my portable monitor.

I'm grabbing my microphone and portable booth, and setting them aside.

I'm trying to figure out why my computer isn't connecting to the internet.

I'm feeling frustrated, but at least that's finally taken care of.

I'm losing my confidence while I'm fumbling around with hdmi's, trying to fix my dual monitor setup.

I'm closing my eyes in frustration, losing all the motivation I had earlier.

I'm settling in on my bed with just my portable monitor.

I'm setting aside the microphone and booth, feeling like life will always find a way to keep me miserable.

I'm playing the pokémon trading card game online for a few matches.

I'm losing motivation and interest to do anything at all.

I'm staring at the clock, realizing it's already time to feed the cats again.

I'm vaguely aware that I'm dissociating in and out, while sitting on my bed.

I'm squeezing my eyes open and shut, trying to stay conscious so I can go feed the cats.

I'm eating cereal while the cats eat their food nearby.

I'm picking up everything on my bed and finding places for them so I can lay down.

I'm trying to remind myself that I still made progress today, hoping it will feel less disappointing.

I'm laying on my bed, trying to be proud of myself, even though I'm feeling helpless.

I'm looking at the clock and I decide I'll let myself do one more thing before I take my night meds.

I'm writing about my day on a facebook post, hoping it helps me feel any better.

I'm not sure it does.

July 20th, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

I often find myself wishing to load a previous save in my life.

I would rather lose my current progress if it meant I could reload and do things differently.

But there is no quicksave to fall back on when things don't turn out the way you want.

As I sit here and dissociate for what feels like hours, it feels almost as if..

I am wasting my one and only playthrough idling while other players are completing their tasks around me.

But my task list is so long and overwhelming. Just checking the logs makes me want to afk.

All the while I set my status to Offline to further isolate myself from mutliplayer mode.

However single-player mode is much harder without my companions to lean on when I'm weak.

Maybe I've encountered a bug at some point, and it's been stalling my progression in this game of life.

Wouldn't it be much easier to blame it on someone else, rather than seek support?

However it's an issue that no one else can fix for me. And I've no idea where to even start.

Maybe I should try to actually play the main quest..

But I've been stuck on this one part for so long now. I just can't figure this out..

So I stand here and idle. I am still in game. I still appear Offline. And that damn task list is just.. too much..

July 7th, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

The time on my phone reads 4:24am.

It's 4:24am, June 21st.

It's June 21st, 2021.

𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵.

It still doesn't feel real,

this past year and a half.

And yet it seems to be real.

𝘐𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭.

I guess there's a part of me,

a part that just knows.

It knows none of this is real.

But it is real, it's all real,

I know I'm not alone in this.

It's all real for others too..

..𝘣𝘶𝘵?

..but what if,

what if 𝘐'𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜.

Or maybe 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝙄'𝙢 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜.

That's right.

𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠,

𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴.

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭.

𝙄 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙨 𝙜𝙤,

𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱.

𝙔𝙚𝙖𝙝, 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩'𝙨,

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭.

I will eventually wake up..

..if I am dreaming,

I'll eventually wake up.

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱.

Then if I do wake up,

I'll 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐭 awake 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦.

And I'll be 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 in those 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐬.

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭,

𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨.

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐜𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥.

𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦,

𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦.

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝟒:𝟐𝟒𝐚𝐦.

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 4:24𝘢𝘮,

𝘕𝘰𝘵 4:24𝘢𝘮, 𝘑𝘶𝘯𝘦 21𝘴𝘵, 2021.

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭.

𝘔𝘺 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 4:24𝘢𝘮,

𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘥.

𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭..

..but?

..𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯,

𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡.

𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝙢𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞 real.

𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙛 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡,

𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞.

I'll be alone without her.

I'll be alone June 21st at 4:24am,

On June 21st, 2021 at 4:24am.

And this past year and a half 𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥.

A̷n̷d̷ ̷I̷ ̷k̷n̷o̷w̷ ̷I̷ ̷s̷t̷i̷l̷l̷ ̷l̷o̷v̷e̷ ̷h̷e̷r̷.̷

June 21st, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

Remember when I said I wouldn't go back and rewrite previous entries for my tumblr?

Fuck rewriting everything. Scrap that idea. I'm just going to start from here ^

[my-internal-hysteria]

My fellow Americans,

ⁿᵒ ⁻ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵒⁿᵉ ʰᵉʳᵉ'ˢ ᴬᵐᵉʳᶦᶜᵃⁿ

My fellow degenerates,

ⁿᵒ ⁻ ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᶦᵗ ᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ

My dear friends,

ʸᵉˢ ⁻ ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒⁿᵉ

I've grown so very tired of apologizing for retreating from people, from socializing, for long periods of time. So much so, I feel I may be taking extended time away from it all each time because of the guilt and shame for leaving friends on hold, leaving them to worry, wonder where I am, and even possibly give up on trying to reach out.

My fear of what others' think of me.. It leaves me feeling squished in a forever shrinking box; squeezing and draining my every last drop of life and energy out of me until I've become dried out and shriveled up enough for the box to collapse inward, reducing my body to ash.

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘺? 𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨?

𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘥?

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘻𝘦?

I don't know. I'm scared. I don't like this. I don't like what I've become. I don't like leaving my friends on "unread". Oh god, or even worse - Leaving them on "read".

It wasn't always like this. I guess some of it was gradual, but for the most part - I enjoyed getting back to my friends and tell them about my day. Or to ask them about theirs. It didn't feel like a chore, it's something I would look forward to doing.

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥?

I, I don't.. I don't have a good answer. I have a couple thoughts, ideas, I don't know what to call them.

And I hate not knowing what or why I've become this way. Generally, I have well thought out theories that I can accept and try to move on from.

But, this time I don't. And I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being. And it adds a thick layer of confusion and frustration on top of everything.

For those couple thoughts, ideas, I don't know what to call them - I can make a vague link to a.. certain loved one.. that I lost a year ago. It's almost as if I took on this trait of hers, which I couldn't possibly overlook or deal with. 𝙏𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙞𝙜𝙜𝙚𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙪𝙨. And somehow - This trait followed me after the break-up, erm— oh hells, I can't hold on to this for any longer—

𝕀 𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕤 𝕙𝕖𝕣. 𝕀 𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕤 𝕙𝕖𝕣, 𝕘𝕠𝕕 𝕕𝕒𝕞𝕟𝕚𝕥.

Everytime she crosses my mind, I choke— I have to focus on manually breathing to restart myself.

𝕀'𝕞 𝕡𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔. 𝕀'𝕞 𝕤𝕠 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕡𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔.

𝘉𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦.

𝘐𝘯𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘦, 2, 3, 4. 𝘌𝘹𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘦, 2, 3, 4.

𝙄𝙣𝙝𝙖𝙡𝙚, 𝟐, 𝟑, 𝟒. 𝙀𝙭𝙝𝙖𝙡𝙚, 𝟐, 𝟑, 𝟒.

Now I've gone and done it. I feel light-headed. My chest, it hurts. It's closing in on me. The box, it's pressing in on me— I can feel it.

𝘕𝘰 𝘯𝘰, 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦.

Yeah, I know. I just wished breathing helped more.

obligatory inb4: someone comments about how helpful mindfulness is, or meditation, or some other exercises, blahblahblah.

Please, just.. please don't. I can't - I can't go through and respond to it all. I sure do have my thoughts and.. whatnot— oh gosh, brain is fogging up. I can't—

Let me.. try, let me try to pull things back to whatever topic I was aiming to post here. Or.. whatever.

𝘉𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦.

𝘉𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘦𝘦𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩..

I'm trying.

That's all I have.

That's all I have left to say right now.

Just, please know that I'm trying.

I'm struggling so hard.

But I'm trying.

𝕀 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕜 𝕀'𝕞 𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕥𝕣𝕪𝕚𝕟𝕘...

May 20th, 2020

[my-internal-hysteria]

It feels like . . .

Pre-pandemic Kayla has been frozen in time.

If she had the chance to glimpse at Present Day Kayla, her heart would ache.

I'm sure she would have some uplifting message to help keep Present Day Kayla afloat.

But she can't. Or well, she hasn't.

She's become Frozen In Time Kayla.

May 10th, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

I made another copy and taped it to the inside of my locker too. Good times.

Sometimes I'll remember how clever I was back in middle school...

I had a sticky note taped to the inside of a binder for my classes that read "Why are you reading my sticky note?" I don't remember if I got any responses about it, but that was kinda clever, not gonna lie.

May 3rd, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

Sometimes I'll remember how clever I was back in middle school...

I had a sticky note taped to the inside of a binder for my classes that read "Why are you reading my sticky note?" I don't remember if I got any responses about it, but that was kinda clever, not gonna lie.

May 3rd, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

Grand ideas, projects started - then put on hold for later indefinitely.

Objects all over the house, left there for someone else to take care of - soon forgotten about, even by the ones that they belong to.

Expired leftovers fill the fridge - making no room for the newly purchased clearance items bought in bulk, in a flavor no one wants to try.

Trash is set aside, placed on a pile of other trash - to be "thrown out when I get up".

Various dried up spots of cat mess (vomit, urine, etc) are ignored and not spoken of - even when the stench becomes unbearable.

When asked to have a friend over, your request is immediately shot down - "You know we can't have anyone over with the house looking like this."

This is the environment I grew up in. And I wish I could say things have gotten better all these years later - but I can't.

April 19th, 2021

[my-internal-hysteria]

Fuck rewriting everything. Scrap that idea. I'm just going to start from here ^

[my-internal-hysteria]

Super Gals! to change the mood!

Was feelin' melancholy, so I grabbed my snuggly pink blankie and got nestled in dad's chair for a change of scenery. [Sister] walked in as I opened VRV on the tv. We decided on an anime we used to watch when we were younger, Super Gals! Turns out she was more of a super fan! than even I was (and I wrote a fanfic lol). So weird watching it again.

December 10th, 2020

[my-internal-hysteria]

Oops...

Distracted again. I liked the style of this diary and wanted to set up a new blog that matches this to make these public, but not.. shared everywhere. Similar to my other blog. But I got lost. Rabbit hole'd. Found myself scrolling for something on telegram, but reached the first post of me and [ex-partner] on video in 2018. With an internal squeak of pain, I quickly closed out and gave up.

I do really want to find where I uploaded those designs for my twitch page. They have to be SOMEWHERE. Maybe dropbox?

. . . sigh.

December 10th, 2020