my-footprints

[my-footprints]

Mein Leben ist ein Film und ich habe mich verloren

Mein Leben ist wieder ein Film. Und ich bin wieder die Hauptrolle. Zumindest hat es sich für einen ganz kurzen Moment wieder so angefühlt. Es ist fast dreiundzwanzig Uhr, die Nacht ist fast da, nur ein blasser Schein in Richtung Westen lässt den Tag vermuten, der sich dem Ende neigt. Es ist warm. Endlich ist es warm. Sommer. Aber heute wirklich. Kein Regen, kein Gewitter, zumindest nicht am Abend und in der Nacht. Es sind über zwanzig Grad. Meine Haut ist sandig. Ich muss lächeln. Wer hätte gedacht, dass ausgerechnet heute und ausgerechnet jetzt dieses Gefühl von ich wiederkehrt? Ich jogge durch die anbrechende Nacht. Durch den Berty-Albrecht Park vorm Haus, durch die Malkasten Straße, dann durch den Hofgarten Park über die kurze Route Richtung Oberkassler Brücke. Zum Wasser. Ich möchte einfach nur kurz zum Wasser. Diesen Anblick genießen, den ich hier viel zu selten genieße und das obwohl er doch so nah ist. Ich jogge schwerfällig, mache häufig Pausen zum Gehen, um aufkommende Seitenstiche zu unterdrücken. Die hatte ich schon lange nicht mehr. Vielleicht war es zu viel Action heute. Zwei kurze Fahrradtouren und die Beachvolleyball Session waren evtl. doch mehr als gedacht. Aber ich wollte mich bewegen, ich spürte endlich wieder eine Energie in mir aufkommen, die ich lange nicht verspürt hatte. Mein Leben fühlte sich wieder an wie ein Film. Und ich war endlich wieder die Hauptrolle. Eigentlich sind wir das streng genommen ja immer. Denn wie könnte jemand anderes die Hauptrolle in unserem Film namens Leben sein. Wie könnte jemand wirklich Teil von ALLEM und jedem Moment, Gefühl, Gedanken, Traum sein? Nein, das können nur wir selbst. Und doch hatte ich lange nicht das Gefühl die Hauptrolle in meinem eigenen Film zu sein. Ich hatte zwar auch nicht das Gefühl, dass das jemand anderes war (oder vielleicht doch?), aber ich war es definitiv nicht. Kein schönes Gefühl. Auch wenn ich den groben Handlungsstrang kannte, lief er eher ziellos und entmutigt ab. Den Enthusiasmus und die Energie, die einst dazu gehörte war verpufft. Doch wo war sie hin? Zeitweise hatte ich nicht das Gefühl sie je wieder zu finden.

Ich schaue nach oben, recke mein Kinn Richtung Himmel und muss lächeln. Die Sterne. Wann habe ich das letzte Mal bewusst die Sterne bewundert während einer warmen Sommernacht? Ich liebe es im Sommer einfach abends unterm Sternenhimmel zu liegen und zu tag (oder nacht-) träumen. Warum mache ich das nicht mehr? Ich laufe weiter, an Spazierenden, Parkbank-Verweilern, Joggern, Hasen und Autos im gelegentlich kreuzenden Stadtverkehr vorbei. Die Stadt ist nie still. Ich liebe diese Stadt. Düsseldorf. Und doch ist sie mir momentan seltsam fremd. Oder ich bin ihr fremd. Ja, es fühlt sich vielmehr an als sei ich der Fremdkörper hier und nicht andersrum. Das Puzzleteil, das eigentlich ganz woanders hingehört. Das sich vielleicht nur in eine scheinbar passende, aber doch nicht so richtig passende Stelle zwängt und dort nun hängt. Aber dennoch, ich liebe diese Stadt. Ich habe mich so auf den Sommer hier gefreut. Und nun läuft er doch ganz anders als erwartet. Nicht schlecht. Es ist schön. Aber irgendwie doch nicht ganz so schön wie ich es mir vorgestellt, wie ich es all die Wochen vorher gehofft hatte.

Aber jetzt gerade in diesem Moment ist es schön. Die Nacht ist warm, die Sterne funkeln, die Musik in meinen Ohren bietet mir die Hintergrundmelodie zu meiner Kulisse, meiner Szene. Die Stadt gehört in diesem Moment mir und ich bin ganz bei mir, so wie schon lange nicht mehr.

Ich werde langsamer, atme tiefer, genieße den Anblick vor mir. Der Rhein. Dunkel liegt er vor mir, rauscht unter mir lang. Die mit leuchtenden Brücken zieren ihn, der Turm im Medienhafen, das Wahrzeichen der Stadt schön in der Ferne.

Ja ich liebe diese Stadt. Und während ich das denke vermisse ich sie. Ich wünschte ich würde sie mehr aktiv in meinem Alltag hier im Sommer haben. Mehr Picknicke am Paradiesstrand, mehr Abende unterm Sternenhimmel, mehr Spaziergänge im Park, mehr Fahrradtouren in andere Stadteile. Ich habe das Gefühl all das geht im Alltag komplett unter und das obwohl ich doch eigentlich gar keinen Alltag hier habe. Irgendwas mache ich falsch.

Ich drehe um, zurück auf der Brücke Richtung Park, Richtung Zuhause. Zuhause. Zuhause? Eigentlich habe ich das aktuell nicht. Vielleicht ist genau das der Unruhestifter in mir. Der mir die Hauptrolle weggeschnappt hat. Aber nicht der fehlende Wohnort, sondern das fehlende Zuhause in mir.

Wieder ein Blick zum Himmel, zu den Sternen. Ich kann mir ein Lächeln nicht verkneifen. Ich bin gerade glücklich. Glücklich über den perfekten Moment, der gar nicht perfekt scheint und es doch so sehr ist. Glücklich mit mir selbst. Das Gefühl ist so schön.

Ich habe mich verloren. Das war mir lange klar, aber doch nie so richtig. Aber es ist gut das endlich zu wissen. Denn jetzt kann ich mich endlich wieder finden.

[my-footprints]

A ticket to anywhere & holding onto hope

I want a ticket to anywhere. Any place. Any time. Any life. Just anything else than where I am at, who I am now. Those were the thoughts going through my mind sometimes this year... And trust me, I know how privileged I am and that some people have it much worse than I do, some even would love to switch to have my life. Still, I felt like that and I cannot change it. And should we forbid someone to suffer just because someone else is suffering more? I don't think so. My suffer might be the privileged kind of suffering, but it is suffering nonetheless.

I really hit rock bottom this year from a feeling point of view. Sliding quickly into a quarter life crisis like some call it. The twenty-something years which are supposed to be such an amazing time just didn’t feel like that to me.

Felt like I was stuck the year before and moved in January to a new city where I didn’t know a single person. Challenge accepted as always. Because moving somewhere always felt better than not moving at all. But maybe that was the problem. Wasn’t it? Maybe I always left a place right around the time when I was finally completely settling in and had a life there. And instead of embracing that routine in that place, I decided to throw the dices again and start from scratch somewhere else, somewhere new. Again. As always.

Paris - one year. Then Valencia - three months. After that my own flat back home. Just to leave again to Bucharest - five months. And then to Barcelona - three months-, before finally moving to Bielefeld. Finally feeling like I had a long term home. Just to realize after one and a half years that I wanted to shuffle again. Half a year of back and forth in between Düsseldorf and Bielefeld. Always being everywhere but nowhere completey. Home. I just wanted to find home. But where was it? Then the final decision that two homes at once is one too much and making the cut. Moving completely to Düsseldorf. The city I struggled a lot to settle in in at the beginning. No friends, no colleagues, no office... only homeoffice and lonely afternoons missing my dear flatmates from Bielefeld and trying to figure out who I was and what I really wanted. Then finally getting to know amazing people, who I couldn’t be happier to call my friends, not just in Düsseldorf but also Mülheim at work. It had always been rather about the people for me than about the place itself. And Düsseldorf really became the right place with the right people over this year. An amazing summer! Enjoying so many chill-in-the-park-, hang-out-at-this-beach-and-that-beach-, house-party, spontanous-night-out-, and many more marmelade glass moments... Home. Düsseldorf became home. Not just due to the amazing city it is, but, moreover, due to the great people who make my life here special. And yet again, I begin feeling stuck once I am finally beginning to feel like I have settled in. 

Copenhagen! Or Odense. Maybe Stockholm? Or even Gothenborg, Jönköping or Oslo? Time will tell. Why is life so short? I would love to live in all the great cities on this earth, meeting so many amazing people and finding myself everywhere a little more. Maybe that’s my curse. Wanting to be everywhere and never arriving. 

This year was definitaly not easy on me. So many ups and downs, self doubts over self doubts, questioning literally everything, losing a family member which was never as close to me as it should have been. Feeling all emotions at once. Love, hate, guilt, shame, sadness, madness, anger, pity, compassion, confusion. So much confusion!

I think this year held some of the worst things I had to ever go through and still am going through. But it also held so much joy and hope. And while I struggle to always hold on to hope, I refuse to believe that things won’t be amazing. 

[my-footprints]

You don't know you can do it until you do it.

Cassie Sullivan

[my-footprints]

All that fuzz about birthdays...

It seems to be a little black and white with birthdays. There are the people who love them and can’t wait to celebrate it with their loved ones and friends and then there are the people who don’t get what all the fuzz is about regarding birthdays and who just spend it as any other normal day. After all that’s what it is - a normal day, right?

Well, Jein I would say (which means kinda yes, kinda no in German). I mean I  get the point. It IS just a normal day, especially for every one else. And a friend of mine has exactly that opinion. He doesn’t perceive his birthday as special. He doesn’t feel the need to celebrate it with friends or family or anybody in particular whatsoever. I remember this one time when he turned 30 - 30! I mean come on, if that’s not a special day, then what is? As I considered myself a good friend of him, I thought if he would celebrate, I would definately be part of the celebrtion. Maybe just because I considered him a good friend of mine and thought that would mean automatically to be the same then vice versa. Anyhow, driftig off topic here. So he suddenly texted me if I wanted to join to some bar near our neighborhood - because we also lived in the same neighborhood. A colleague and friend had asked him what he was up to that day while she was gratulating him. And as expected he honestly said something like “Nothing much, it’s not that special”. She didn’t accept this answer and decided they would go to that bar, her boyfriend who was a colleague as well also joined and he then also invited me as mentioned. So we went to that bar and had a nice evening. I think he enjoyed it, but definately wouldn’t have come up with that idea himself. Crazy...

Well, of course not crazy crazy, but I think it is just funny how different people are regarding birthdays. I mean for me my birthday is also not the holy day of the year above all other days and celebrations, but I just kind of like it to feel a little special. I like every day to feel special actually! But as with daily and weekly routines that is hardly possible and if every day would be special, actually no day would be special at all because it would just be the new normal.. Kinda sad how we humans get used to things so quickly that even special loses its sparkle if it is around too often. So why not spice things up every now and then? This doesn’t even have to be on your birthday, it could be any day you pick, I just guess birthdays naturally come to ones mind when you search for a day which you could make special. At least for me. Also I like the phrase “Besser alt werden als jung sterben” - better growing old than dying young and isn’t it nice in general to celebrate life and the years we got to spend on this planet so far including all the special moments and people we had the chance to experience and be around? I definately think it is. You could just take your birthday to appreciate your life and be thankful for all you got even a little more than you should do regularly.

And I definately don’t always do this. Also I do not take the day off from work, I  just try to be more aware and more thankful on this day. This year for instance, I was thinking a lot on how I wanted to spend my birthday as I just recently moved  here. As I am extrovertive, I enjoy time the best when spending it with people I like to hang out with. As I have most my dear ones in Bielefeld and around there and some even spread much farther, this would be a challange. I thought of going home for my birthday, but it felt like the whole travelling there, packing, not sleeping in my own bed etc. would take away the special feeling of the day I wanted to achieve. I could ask the few friends I had here to hang out and do something fun. But it feels a little like begging them to spend time with me to appreciate my birthday. And this would definately take away the joy in it. Soooo, I decided to do something really crazy. Something I never did before - at least I can’t remember I ever did it. It is not as crazy or special as you might think now. But I decided that I would drop off at work as soon as my calendar would allow it and then treat myself with whatever I was up to. Not the boring kind of  whatever I was up to like “oh, I would like to watch a movie now” but rather the “I barely ever order food - what would I order for me if I would order with a good friend ” and the “oh there is a nice swimming pool including a sauna around which offers birthday guests a free visit - I want to do that!” or the “I want to start the day special - so I’ll sleep a little longer, start working some time later and go get something really nice for breakfast”. I never - or if, barely ever - treat myself like that. I kind of want to spend my birthday like I would spend it with my bestfriend - she would think about a lot of little which were actually big things I would enjoy and she would just go for it with me. Only that in this case my bestfriend was simply myself.

So Me, Myself and I would just have in the simplest way the best time ever on that day - no hard feelings, excuses or anything else. Positive vibes only!

And you know what? I think I’ll actually do that...

[my-footprints]

[my-footprints]

[my-footprints]

But I'd rather wonder than get answers I couldn't live with.

Looking for Alaska (John Green)

[my-footprints]

The rest of the shortest month of the year

My second week in Düsseldorf was partly being back in Bielefeld. Whereever I went, I kind of always ended up in Bielefeld haha. But before that, I had some trouble with several devices in my flat which led to several technicians coming and going. Sadly the trouble wouldn’t be completely fixed even a month later...

On Wednesday, I went to my Mum’s place after work to sleept there. The following day I squeezed in seeing Malin finally again for a very short time just before heading to Bielefeld to our first Stammtisch with the WG which would from now on take place each second Thursday of every new month. We went to Mei Wei which was amazing! The Sushi was delicious as well as the Noodles. Definately can recommend it!

Friday, I had to take care of the dogs after my Mum left for some weekend work thing. Later I met with Jan, we cooked some Springrolls and had - as always - very interesting conversations. After a very late walk outside I headed back home to take some more care of the dogs and fall quickly asleep. 

Instead of shopping skiing supplies which was the original plan for Saturday, I headed back to Düsseldorf around noon and took some rest before later that day a friend came to visit and we went out in the city center which led to my first hangover this year (not counting the one from New Year’s Eve - which shouldn’t count as it was caused last year). It was not a bad one but I definately felt that I hadn’t had a drink since last year.

Week 7 of the year was a week to allow my extrovertive side to be in charge as I met several people which I had met via online portals to connect. We went for walks, for coffees and strolled around the city center. The most successful meet up would be with a girl from Mexico which had come to Germany as an Au Pair, is now married to a German guy and who talked to me the entire evening in Spanish, yay! Friday, Jan was coming for a visit and we cooked again some lovely dinner - more due to his cooking skills than mine for sure. Saturday, I saw Anton again since a looooong time. He had invited me to join for some kararoke night with Vivian, Sören and some of their friends. It was at ktv where we had our own room with a huge screen, two microphones, the possibility to order as many drinks as we were up to and some Chinese drinking games which were so. much. fun! I was killing it! (Partly). On Sunday, both my parents came to visit to help me with some stuff which still needed to be done in my flat. My dad was really excited about my flat and invited us for dinner later that day at Löffelbar - one of my favorite restaurants in my neighborhood.

In week 8 I decided to take it more easy and stayed home a little more - also becaue of my upcoming skiing vacation which I didn’t want to cancel by getting infected somewhere with Covid. Nevertheless, Jan came over. We cooked some really nice vegan Quesadilla and also went out to play some Billard, where I actually won for unknown reasons - surprise, surprise! - and went to Tamam for some food - really recommendable and also part of my discount book which I finally used the first time. Saturday, Anna came for a visit and we went for Sushi right across my door to Sumi - also a nice place to go for dinner! Only the prices can keep me from going there too often.

[my-footprints]

Week One, "Eines Tages oder Tag Eins?"

Sunday, 30. January 2022 - Unpack, Unpack, Unpack!

So right after my lunch with my family, I arrived two hours and some podcasts episodes - listening to the funny and somewhat really interesting storys of Max and Jakob - in my new home town. Strange to call a place home which definately doesn't feel like it... yet! And I really hoped there would be a 'yet' and that soon or at least some day this city would feel like home to me. This fits quite well to the phrase I read on a postcard shortly after 'moving' here the first time 'Eines Tages oder Tag eins'. And like with all things, I think also this chapter of my life would depend mostly on my perspective about things and less on the things themselves. That's  what I think at least. Life is what you make out of it - and it is as simple and as complicated as that... Anyways, driftig off topic here. So I arrived in my new flat, unpacked my loaded car. How the hell can one person who just lived in ONE room over the last two years and is moving in into a ONE-room-apartment have so much stuff?! This would be one of my first challenges and goals for this year: Getting rid of all kinds of stuff which I  - if I am really honest with myself - do not really need. At all. Ever. And I guess, there is more of that kind of stuff than I would like to admit. Entering my flat was kind of like entering my brain: Heading right into a huge bunch of chaos. Somewhat organised chaos - but still chaos. It took me literally all the rest of the day to unpack my stuff, put a bunch of it into the basement, sort through boxes, clean up a little and finally fall into bed after midnight where I read the nicest words I could have expected in my little book written by my lovely flatmates from Bielefeld. I felt exhausted and content at the same time and it took me only minutes to fall asleep in my new bed. Monday, 31. January 2022 - Unpack, Unpack, Relax...

As much as I had unpacked the day before, it felt like the unpacking would never end. So I  spend a lot of my first entire day still unpacking and tidying up, really happy to have gotten two days off for moving. In the early evening I facetimed with Nina, which was really nice as we hadn't talked that often lately and I was curious about her plans of moving here soon.

Tuesday, 01. February 2022 - First Day in the new (Home) Office

On Tuesday I got to know the feeling of working from home in my own flat - still without a proper work desk and monitor (which would take more time to get in place as expected) - and started to love my small but pretty functional and kind of beautiful kitchen. Also I went for my first run despite the awful weather which I was a little proud of. I was really getting my life together, such a grown up! Or at least pretending to be one.

Wednesday, 02. February 2022 - Healthy Happiness

Wednesday it was time for grocery shopping which was a little more difficult since I had to walk farther than from my former apartment to get to the stores I prefered, but this was just a chance to go for a longer walk anyhow. I only shopped healthy stuff according to my weird current diet and started to really like this lifestyle, thinking of prolonging my dietary choices even after the time was up. Also I finally called Malin on that day which I had planned already for about two months and never gotten around to actually do. 

Thursday, 03. February 2022 - F*** off Corona!

This day I had planned to cook dinner with Anton, we wanted to try cooking selfmade vegan Quesadillas which I was really looking forward to. Unfortunaley dear old enemy Covid had other plans and cancelled mine as Anton had contact with someone who was tested positive shortly afterwards and therefore put himself in quarantine. Therefore I changed the plans into doing some sports and then making some Wraps, which was also really nice. 

Friday, 04. February 2022 - First Visitor 

After work a friend came to visit, we went grocery shopping to cook a really delicious vegan Curry with sweat potatoes and as he used to be a cook, you can only imagine how good it tasted! We talked through half of the night until he left and I fell asleep.

  Saturday, 05. February 2022 - Entertaining myself

Saturday I had to accept the challenge which I would face more often now that I was living by myself: Entertaining myself and passing time alone without complete and utter boredom - not one of my strengths I have to admit. However, due to obvious reasons of lack of sleep last night, I slept in and then decided to go to the city center since the weather was so nice. Belli seemed to be right after all - the weather here was often really much nicer than in good old Bielefeld. So I shopped some stuff and also some small present for my neighbor as she had borrowed me her wifi connection over the last week and kind of saved me in homeoffice.

Sunday, 06. February 2022 - Maybe the weather isn't so nice here after all

After sleeping in and reading quite a lot in 'Surrounded by Idiots' which kind of made me laugh but also feel sometimes ashamed of my character traits as a yellow person, I was bored but due to awful windy and rainy weather outside also didn't really know what to do. I went for a short ride nearby to pick up something for my balcony and later did some sports before declaring the weekend as officially over after a really nice dinner with my former flatmates Alice, Gaia and Francesco who I got to know and who had also recently moved here.

[my-footprints]

Being a stranger in my own life - again.

This feeling of being a stranger in my own life - Hello my dear old friend... So there I was. After spending more time than anticipated at my Mom's place where we had some barbecue lunch (for me according to the strict diet I was trying out and getting used to better than expected) and where I saw finally again the little Arthur - my favorite (and only, but who counts?) nephew! It was really nice seeing also Nico and Lulu again whom I had seen a lot less lately due to obvious reasons of a newborn being now part of their lives, but also due to the fact that I was crazy busy with thinking through, packing and preparing all kinds of stuff for the new chapter of my life. Then it was time, I got in the car and felt a strangely familar feeling. The feeling I had had the first time when my Mom dropped me off in Paris, waved me goodbye with tears in her eyes and me standing there in this strange city, with this strange family, feeling strangely alone and awkward with a slight glimmer of hope and excitement that this would be a wonderful chapter in my life, which just needed to get started.

The same feeling I had when I stood at the airport right before security control for my flight to Valencia - again with my Mom, hugging her goodbye - feeling like I  left all that was familar behind to head to a place I didn't know, with people I didn't know and a part of myself I didn't know. The same feeling arising again when Anja had just left for the airport after she had come to visit and spend some days with me after I had decided to leave the first family I had lived with and was waiting to move in with the new one. This feeling which accomanied me every step of the way which I went with my huge suitcase heading to the new family in the city center - thinking all the damn way that I could just turn around, follow Anja to the airport and jump on the same plane with her to head home and all this unknown and the strange feeling would be gone and I would be back home.

Again, the same feeling, when I was packing my final stuff for Barcelona - after this awful last night of an evening which didn't go at all as I had hoped for, followed by a shocking car accident, waiting for an hour at night to be picked up and be interogated by the police - feeling like I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide from this unknown new place and chapter I was getting closer to. The same feeling I had felt the last time when I had just moved - into the WG in Bielefeld, my flatmates still being strangers to me, the flat feeling not like home yet but rather like someone else's  home an me feeling awkwardly like someone pretending to be living there. This feeling is by now something like an old friend. The kind of friend you went through stuff together with, unforgettable stuff which kind of changed you. This friend that however good you know him, you never want him to stick around for too long and you prefer seeing him rarely, but who you also cannot let go of completely... Here he was again this old friend and I felt kind of happy about welcoming him once more. I knew that we would go through stuff I didn't like, because he had been there in the past for the same kind of stuff - feeling lonely, helpless, strange and not home. But I also knew he would be there for all the good stuff - settling in, getting to know new places, people, hobbies or ideas and finding a new part of myself - at least if I didn't quit too fast. So I told myself I wouldn't...

[my-footprints]

Sun, 30. January 2022  Bye bye Liebefeld

Hard goodbyes come from great memories" - my favorite quote from my dear friend Lisa Heisen 

Busy, busy, busy... After my last days in Bielefeld were over - squeezing in seeing some of my friends one last time before I left (shortly coming by at Pascal's new flat, inviting Ebru for dinner and deeptalk, watching the bachelor season kick-off with my dear flatmates and Lotti) - time was up. Friday I had packed all my furniture which wasn't sold and shipped it with the help of my parents to Hesseln. There were surprisingly no major set backs or mood swings besides one minor one of my dad which I handeled quite well and my generel 'stressed-outness' - which I really want to work on! Saturday was the day we went to Düsseldorf and my dad got to see the new flat the first time. It took hours bringing all my stuff in, preparing the basement and putting my huge TV on the wall of my not so huge apartment. There was no time to unpack or clean much since I had to head off to Bielefeld around 4 p.m. again to meet my flatmates for my final evening in our lovely lovely WG home. I rushed back, happy that the highways were not that full. Being back home my flatmates gave me a cute goodbye present before we headed for dinner at Dean & David. It was a tea cup with the Bielefeld logo on it and a hand showing a peace sign. There were some nice treats in there such as a Koro energy ball, healthy bar, some face masks and a selfmade card with a ribbon tied around it. I loved it! The card was really cute - it's an invitation for an evening they invite me to where they want to cook something nice with me and then have a nice and relaxed evening including a sleepover and breakfast on the next day <3 The best gift I could have asked for! And as they are already trying to find a day when it fits for everyone also a good way to turn our intention of me coming over every now and then into actual action plans. Thanks, thanks, thanks - I love you guys! The cutest part was actually the next morning or rather lunch time, when I got my final stuff out of the fridge and was ready to head to my family for one last meal together before I was officially living about 200 km away. They all hugged me goodbye (except for Nele who wasn't back yet and whom I wouldn't say goodbye to ever apparently). Then they stood at the balcony when I was out the door heading to my car and waved me off. And surprisingly, after the time it took me to get out of the teany tiny parking spot where I had squeezed my car into, they still stood on the balcony and waved at me until I drove around the corner. I felt tears in my eyes - tears of sadness for leaving this wonderful home I had had over the last two years and tears of joy for having such wonderful people in my life with whom I had shared such a wonderful time. They were like family to me, really!  And I knew that however things would turn out in the future, even if I would lose close touch or maybe even completely touch with them, they would always have a place in my heart. This was even more underlined later on during my first night in Düsseldorf when I read the lovely things they wrote into the most important book I own....

[my-footprints]

Was willst du?

Was willst du? Kein vorwurfsvolles “was willst du”, sondern einfach eine ernst gemeinte Frage.

Damit ich weiß, ob dein “was willst du” zu meinem passt.

Oder nicht. Das ist auch okay.

Ich möchet nur einfach voran kommen. Nicht zu lange auf der Stelle treten.

Ich will leben! Verrückte Dinge tun. Schöne Momente erleben. Gute gespräche führen. Zwischenmenschliche Ebenen kennenlernen und zulassen. Eine bessere Version von mir selbst werden.Genießen. 

Die Zeit, die Momente, das Leben. Spaß haben. Lachen! Mehr lachen als weinen, aber beides zulassen wenn die Gefühle es fordern.

Das Leben ist kurz. Und lang.

Die längste Sache, die wir je erleben. Und doch so kurz.

So schrecklich kurz.

Vergänglich.

Darum möchte ich es bewusst leben. Und fühlen. Und dankbar sein.

Ich bin danbar, dass ich dich kennengelernt habe - wenn auch nur kurz und an der Oberfläche kratzend, da da so viel mehr sein könnte - oder auch nicht, ich weiß es ja nicht.

Ich weiß nur es war mal schön ganz gleich wie es ausgeht.

Aber ich weiß auch, dass ich für mich möchte, dass es aus- oder weitereght. Nicht still steht.

Ich bin kein Freund von Stillstand. 

Ruhe, ja. Stille, ja. Frieden, ja.

Aber kein Stillstand.

Das Leben ist zu bunt, zu chaotisch und schön, um es im Stillstand erliegen zu lassen.

Also die Frage: Was willst du?

[my-footprints]

Dieses Zuhause

Ich liebe mein Zuhause!

Dieses Zuhause.

Ich habe viele Zuhause(s?)

Ja, hier bin ich wieder in meinem anderen Zuhause. Oder ist Düsseldorf mein anderes Zuhause und Bielefeld dieses Zuhause?

Dieses eine?

Dieses eine richtige Zuhause?

Was heißt richtiges Zuhause?

Ich liebe mein Zuhause.

Und das genügt.

[my-footprints]

Zuhause

Wieder Zuhause - Wo ist eigentlich Zuhause?

In Düsseldorf...

In Bielefeld!

In Hesseln.

In Paris, in Valencia, Bukarest und Barcelona.

Bei Mama,

und Nico & Lulu,

und Horst, Gustel & Esther,

und bei mir,

und bei Carina, Gerrit, Nele, Lukas & Julia.

Und itelli, aber nicht mehr itelli...

...

Ja, wo ist eigentlich Zuhause?

Zuhause war schon immer mehr ein Gefühl als ein Ort.

Und ein Mensch, oder viele Menschen.

Düsseldorf ist jetzt auch schon ein bisschen Zuhause.

Nicht die Menschen - noch nicht.

Aber die Stadt. Und das Gefühl.

Das Gefühl bei mir selbst zu sein.

Bei mir selbst & in Frieden.

Alles ist gut. Alles wird gut.

Zuhause ist gut.

Ich bin Zuhause.

[my-footprints]

Lebendig, chaotisch & bunt

So viele Gedanken, das Karusell stoppt nicht. 

Soro hat eine Idee, um das Karusell anzuhalten.

Aufschreiben! Das weiß ich doch schon längst! Weiß ich, aber mache ich nicht. Wie so viele Dinge...

Viele Ideen, wenig Taten.

Doch jetzt fangen wir an. Aufzuschreiben. Aus dem Kopf, auf’s Papier!

Ich muss noch Saskia schreiben wegen dem. Und Manuel wegen dem anderen. 

Und Belli antworten. Und Malin und Pascal ‘ne Sprachnachricht. Und die Pariser Mädels auch mal sprechen.

Und einkaufen & Sport machen

und lesen & meditieren & Zeit finden Neues zu probieren & Altes zu wiederholen. Und ich möchte wen kennenlernen, viele kennenlernen, aber doch irgendwie den einen...

jemanden finden, aber ohne zu suchen. Es soll passen, aber nicht in irgendeine vorgefertigte Vorstellung, sondern einfach so.

Enfach so ins Leben.

Warum ist das Leben so kompliziert?

Mache ich es kompliziert?

Eigentlich ist doch alles so einfach.

Oder doch nicht.

Wir machen einfache Dinge schwer...

Leichtes kompliziert...

Warum ist das Leben so chaotisch?

Nein, lebendig.

Ja, das Leben ist chaotisch, bunt, aber vor allem lebendig.

Und lebendig macht es bunt und schön und chaotisch

und so ist es gut. So will ich es haben

lebendig, chaotisch und bunt

[my-footprints]

Tue, 22nd-23rd June 2021 - Day 2-3

In between two different homes

Starting with a proper meal into the day, our first stop was the Crêpes place near the Kö.

As the weather was pretty German there wasn't really much to do on this day. We spent a lot of our time slowly moving through a huge bookstore reading though interesting covers and getting inspired more and more by each book. Also we bought a friendship necklace, more by accident, however, I will always remember we bought it together in my first days in D-Dorf..

For dinner we decided to go for the Löffelbar which is right around my new home and then later drank some wine at home before going to sleep.

The next day we only slept in and then headed from one home to the other, from Düsseldorf to Bielefeld <3

[my-footprints]

“Humans think. They plan. They dream, and then they make the dream real.”

— Cassie Sullivan (via my–adventures)