muskaankaur - Tumblr blog

[muskaankaur]

There are so many wars that you share with your people and then there are some you cannot talk to anyone about no matter how much you want to, such wars, when meant to be fought alone are the most difficult ones. You have a tendency to find solace with your closest ones when times feel hard but what about the wars that you can never tell them about, where do you find solace for them?

[muskaankaur]

What was supposed to be the happiest week of the year is everything but happy. I have always tried to find happiness in small things, I still do, I think that's the only thing keeping me sane. I am only walking over the edge and I wish I knew how to pull myself back but I don't. It's like sleeping each day with the hope that tomorrow will be better but my hopes never turn into reality.

[muskaankaur]

I am always scared of losing people I love, probably that's why I always panic to find assurances from them the moment I feel something is off, I don't know if it's separation anxiety or something else. But I will always need to know you aren't angry or distant with me. That's how I love, probably isn't the best way but it always marks the depth of my feelings towards that person. It marks how emotionally involved I am, I am never affected so much by someone I don't truly love. Only, and only love affects me to this point and I think it somehow always will. And for people like us I hope we find partners who are willing to understand and reassure without being irritated by it.

[muskaankaur]

I have been so strong all this while, smiling, laughing and crying through all of it but I wonder if I have the ability to be strong anymore, I wonder if trying is making any sense anymore.

[muskaankaur]

I can never understand how people can go the entire day without texting their partners, I loveeee to text my partner, even if I am busy, I make sure I take out a few moments to share snippets and updates with them and not only because I am obliged to do it but because I enjoy it. And then there are people who can simply let it go and ignore and not be considerate. Their thought process is something I will never understand.

[muskaankaur]

Partners who tend to bash you for being emotional and crying because something they did hurt your feelings are the ones who will never be emotionally available for you. You need someone who knows how to handle and validate your emotions without making you feel stupid about them.

[muskaankaur]

As much as I love the beginning of autumn in October, October has a history of being specifically harsh to me. I have lost friendships, partners in subsequent Octobers year by year. As much stupid it sounds, the thought of the month makes me want to throw up. I will always be proud of the girl who went through everything she did but I would never believe that I still have that strength in me. Being in that kind of pain is so fucking hard and to pull yourself through is harder. October always keeps me to put my guard on.

[muskaankaur]

The phase in your life when the people you love are busy chasing their own things and you don't get to spend time with them. It isn't that you yourself don't get busy with your own things but sometimes it hits you like a blade in your stomach and leaves you with anxiety and uncertainty yet you can do nothing but wait patiently.

[muskaankaur]

The phase in your life when people you love are busy chasing their own things and you don't get to spend any time with them. They feel distant and it isn't that you don't get busy in your own things but sometimes it hits you, like a blade in your stomach and leaves you with anxiety and uncertainty yet you can do nothing but wait patiently and hope for it to pass soon.

[muskaankaur]

I have fear of abandonment and I often find it in me when I aimlessly wait for a response to a situation which might hint abandonment. I am never too kind to myself, the moment I make a little mistake, a wave of anxiety hits me that somehow tricks me into believing that what I did was huge enough to make the other person think I am unworthy to be with but the little mistake was never so huge to begin with. For the longest time I have been friends/in relationship with people where there was a little room for mistakes, I couldn't feel like myself because if I made a mistake, someone might just have walked away. And even though I am no more in contact with such people, the fear swept through over the years. So when a little something off happens, I begin to apologise even if there isn't a reason to and constantly make scenarios in my head as the fear clogs my brain. It's suffocating to make myself go through all these phases of anxiety and fear yet I still couldn't learn to control it, not even a little.

[muskaankaur]

I once DATED a guy who was excellent with words which (unfortunately) made him good at manipulation and lying. He would promise me things and then his actions wouldn't match with words, he would lie and I would snap finding out the truth but my anger meant NOTHING because he would still find his way with words and bring me back to the cage. The cycle repeated until it finally felt apart and it was only after coming out of it I realised how I was being manipulated. My loyalty, my love was used to abuse my feelings and I wonder how many people go through the same abuse. Love sometimes truly does make you blind.

[muskaankaur]

Hitting a realisation of growing up is to look at your loved ones, your friends,your partner to get busy in their lives, take different paths and somehow when you stand at the same point alone that you stood with them once , you realise they won't be there anymore.

[muskaankaur]

I only ever learned to give in abundance.

[muskaankaur]

Maybe today feels like one of those days when it feels like you won't get through the storms and they would linger and haunt you forever, but remember the last time you felt the same? You got through it eventually with little steps. Remember this as a reminder that everything passes with time, the good, the bad; everything flows.

[muskaankaur]

No matter what I do, I am never doing enough.

[muskaankaur]

I often fall in love with the most mundane things of life; the books, a cup of tea/coffee in rainy days, flowers, the warmth of my blanket in winters, photographs, art, midnight snacks, the pink orange hues of the sky at sunset, being silly with people I love and all the small moments in between.

Muskan kaur

[muskaankaur]

Things that feel a lot like love//

Them buying you your favorite snack/ taking random pictures of each other/ smiling at their most stupid texts/ them patiently listening to you when you had an awful day/ teasing each other on little things/ staying, even though you didn't ask them to.