mundanemeals

[mundanemeals]

Mundane Meal #3 - "Mexican Style" Pulled Pork Quesadillas

The tale of the quesadilla is as long as it is terrifying, shared only in nervous whispers under the dismal gloom of a new moon. There are few alive today who remember the true origins of this dish, and fewer still who would suffer its passage across their lips.

Alas, I am not one of them, but if I were to hazard a guess I'd say someone figured putting cheese in a tortilla and heating it would be a good idea. They were right.

You will need: -One package of frozen quesadillas -A wry smirk and a twinkle in your eye that betrays ill-intentions -Your COOKBOX™ -A plate (optional)

Instructions: Imprison the quesadillas in your COOKBOX™, and mercilessly bombard them with COOKRAYS™ for twelvescore seconds.

You will be tempted to wrench the door open and pull your quesadillas to safety, unable to bear the unnatural sounds of suffering emanating from within your COOKBOX™. This is a normal reaction to harmless COOKRAY™ exposure, and should be resisted with an Iron Will (1994).

To serve: Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Alternatively, you can eat them from a plate, as I did.

Dig in! COOKBOX™ and COOKRAYS™ are registered trademarks of COOKBOX International, a fictional organisation which I have just now invented, and yet has existed for time immemorial.

[mundanemeals]

Mundane Meal #2 - Microwave Butter Chicken

Preamble:

In this installment of Mundane Meals I will show you all how to cook a microwave butter chicken meal.

Amble:

A walk at a slow, relaxed pace, especially for pleasure.

Ramble:

I used the live right around the corner from a farmer’s market / butchery. Often on my way home I was see their sign advertising a product I wanted to buy and at a very competitive price point, but for some reason I never once went there. What is it about a farmer’s market that intimidated me so?

Maybe I was too caught in the web of the big supermarket chains, and couldn’t bring myself to cross them. Perhaps I was just scared that everyone there would somehow instinctively know that I didn’t belong; that I am the kind of person to microwave a butter chicken meal at six in the morning and then write about it on the internet.

I wonder if everyone there already knows all their customers. Would they have seen me as a stranger? An outsider? Perhaps I place too much significance on my own presence in the lives of others. They probably wouldn’t even think twice about this strange man coming to buy some groceries. I probably wouldn’t matter to them in the slightest.

I did read a google review of the place once that said their bulk pack of chicken breast was poor quality and went bad quicker than expected, so maybe I dodged a bullet. We may never know.

You will need:

1 Frozen Butter Chicken Meal

A microwave

A bowl (optional)

An eating utensil of your choice (optional)

Low self-esteem (optional)

Instructions:

Follow the instructions on the packaging

I have found in my experience that most, if not all, microwave meals come with instructions printed right there on the packaging. Pretty convenient!

If you can’t read then you’re going to have a problem, but in that case you can’t read this either, unless you’re using a text-to-speech program to read it aloud to you. Try finding someone else to read your microwave meal instructions to you, if necessary.

To serve:

If you choose to use a utensil instead of squatting directly over the plastic tub and scooping up scalding hot butter chicken and rice with your bare hands, I recommend a Splayd. A splayd is like a spork except better in every conceivable way. It’s a spoon, it’s a fork, it’s a rudimentary cutting tool. Google it sometime.

[mundanemeals]

Mundane Meal #1 - Instant Mi Goreng

Pointless and rambling backstory to pad out recipe and make me look well-travelled and cultured:

A few years back, while I was summering in The Isles, I met a mystic man who taught me the secrets of his particular school of blood magic. After betraying and murdering him with the very secrets he bestowed upon me, I spent years using my newfound gift to wreak havoc and evil upon the region, striking terror into the hearts of the simple folk who subsisted on the land. At the time I was fond of stopping by the local bakery for some fresh baked Ciabatta, offered to me as tribute in a futile attempt to prevent the ruination I would inevitably bring down on their lives. The thing about bread is that it is not Instant Mi Goreng, which is what I will be showing you how to cook.

You will need:

Instant Mi Goreng

Water (optional)

Heat (optional)

If you want to just eat the brick of cold hard noodles, like a ferocious animal, I won’t judge you. We’ve all been there...

Instructions:

Realise you are hungry at 2am

Apply heat to water for approximately as long as you feel like

Apply noodles to the now heated water

Put all that little flavour stuff on a plate and mix it up real good like

Guesstimate when they’re done because you forgot to look at the clock or set a timer

Remove water from noodles with either a small brass straw or a sieve, whichever is more convenient

Put the noodles on the plate of delicious paste and get those long boys good and spicy

Et voilà! Ciabatta bread, fresh from the oven!

To serve:

Eat the noodles. The plate doubles as a handy, portable, flat surface on which to rest the noodles while you eat them, but feel free to get creative. A fork can also be used to keep your hands clean of noodle residue, if you’re feeling extra fancy!

Bon appétit!