muertocountyprincess

[muertocountyprincess]

If I disappear for awhile will they forget my name?

Algorithmic tendencies could help me fade away

Shattering me after they lick their dinner plates

Several cerebrum wounds, I need first-aid

I hate the way it hurts, but I’m used to the taste.

f★

[muertocountyprincess]

The internet is cruel sometimes.

I’d really hoped this year would be different, and perhaps for once things wouldn’t spoil my entire birth month. May is already a hard month due to old traumas annually resurfacing in my mind, but this time my mental health has been suffering for more reasons than one.

I am still being stalked, harassed, and attacked for simply trying to shed light on an issue in a game that I love and focus all of my content on. And normally I’m strong; I’ve had to force myself to be in all other aspects of my life, but to finally think you’ve done something right and found solace in a community you love just to have it somewhat stripped away by someone who stirred up something that wasn’t even your fault to begin with…. hurts, a lot.

I don’t know who I can trust, and I hate that those feelings are coming back again. Any new follower, someone who joins my server, etc. I’m wary of because I’ve already found several accounts associated with my stalker who either followed me (probably in case I go private) or have interacted with hate posts about me.

I’m just… very uncomfortable.

And the fact that I was right about the game issue to the point of the devs reaching out for my video/more info makes it all laughable. Still concerning, but laughable.

I just want to be left alone. But no, instead I get accused of bait simply for interacting with accounts for a game I love and making posts about my interests/what I care about.

I hate going on about it, because I genuinely just want to do my own thing, but every week there’s some new concerning bullshit from them and I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared the people who support me and I care about will get tired of me yapping if they aren’t already and I’ll lose them too.

Maybe is a trauma neglect issue I’ve had before, but it’s polarizing when you want to be the bigger person and move on but it keeps consuming your happiness.

I’ve already found multiple of their fans/friends following me so they can talk shit but still see what I post.. such weird and teenager-like behavior from full grown adults… And then seeing that they lied about having an alt, so unless I go private (which I don’t want to do, I like interacting with the tcm and sims community), I will continue to be stalked relentlessly due to their anonymity. Going out of your way to screenshot what I post (especially when it has nothing to do with you), trying to have your “fans” get me kicked from other streamer’s spaces, mocking me, liking hateful replies against me… why am I living rent free in your head?

You people are grown adults with bully mentalities. Jealousy is one hell of a drug.

And now, I honestly feel scared to post anything in fear of backlash and more hate. I know I shouldn’t care, but I really does get to a person - especially when I’ve done nothing but try to make this a safe space for myself and others only to be called crazy… my bad for being neurodivergent and posting a lot/talking about the things I care about? Why the fuck do you even care? There’s mute/block buttons for a reason.

You don’t know me, all of this is parasocial. You don’t know a damn thing about me or the shit I’ve been through, the times where just managing to keep myself alive seemed like the greatest accomplishment. You don’t know my life, my situation, anything besides a username and whatever I happen to post.

People are just nasty, acting like middle school bullies hiding behind a screen with zero repercussions, and if they have any sort of following it’s only worse. I can’t even play my favorite game without being tunneled, having to constantly change my name, having to sort through hate comments/messages, all of that.

The one thing that’s genuinely brought me so much joy and has helped keep me alive has a community with so much loved but equally a lot of hate. The thoughts of no longer wanting to exist in this world are coming back.

I’m strong, but it starts getting to you after awhile.

[muertocountyprincess]

Maybe taking this short (but much needed) break will help me to clear my thoughts.

I feel like I need to catch up on content and other things that’ve slowly been in the works, and just take a few days to focus on that stuff without the constant pressure of getting content up right away at the same time.

I’ll still be yapping on twitter and playing tcm/other games in my free time, but I feel like I need to step away from the internet discussions (aka debates and arguments) and consider what type of content I want to continue putting out.

I guess we’ll see.

f★

[muertocountyprincess]

Been in my head a lot lately.

I honestly don’t really know what’s going on. So many memories (mostly the bad and traumatic ones), have been reaching from the depths of my mind and coming back to haunt me.

And I hate it. So much.

I feel like my depression and mental health in general has been like a teeter-totter, constantly back and forth, battling between the good and the bad this entire year so far.

A lot of stress with personal affairs, figuring out life & career related stuff, internet drama, it’s all just too much.

I feel too much.

I’ve enjoyed being this sort of small “Internet personality” and connecting with others in the space, but god do I hate being made to feel like everything I post is up for some sort of debate, simply just for becoming relatively popular on tcm twt. Just let me yap in peace!

And I hate that every little thing affects me. For so long, probably at least the past decade or more, I’ve tried to wear this hard shell as armor from the outside world, trying to not let words of strangers affect me. But for some reason, I feel like I’m in middle school again, speechless from the relentless bullies, too fearful to use my voice.

For a long while, I’ve become the type to stand up for myself and what I believe in, but lately the ignorance of keyboard warriors has made me want to stay silent - the polar opposite of who I really am. If I say anything, I get attacked. And I’m tired of it. If I don’t speak on it, it just continues to bother me.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

And I don’t want to keep going on about things, it’s just hard when something’s like an itchy tag on a shirt that keeps rubbing the wrong way - hard to ignore and act like everything’s okay when it isn’t.

Idk, just feeling a lot of mixed feelings and trying to process and work through them.

f★

[muertocountyprincess]

wandering dream

instagram - twitter - website

[muertocountyprincess]

before and after ❄️ pixel art remake

[muertocountyprincess]

[muertocountyprincess]

[muertocountyprincess]

Oh, the mindfuckery of not knowing who to trust and what intentions they have. The constant fear of manipulation and being used - the worst.

[muertocountyprincess]

When you hear their desperate hunger cries for a response, let them starve.

[muertocountyprincess]

I have a loose idea of how I want my tcm oc to look and her personality/lore, but I still need to make her as a sim and conceptualize everythinggg

[muertocountyprincess]

Save me Jeland/Lelana/Jissy fanart

Jeland/Lelana/Jissy fanart save me

[muertocountyprincess]

Art by @archbudzar

[muertocountyprincess]

Trust Issues

These two things tend to go hand in hand, especially given the circumstances right now. Throughout my life so far, I’ve had a lot of people who I thought were genuine and supported me, turn out to have quiet vendettas.

I wish this was an exaggeration, but this shit has happened time and time again for nearly the past ten years.

And honestly? I’m beyond tired of it.

Tired of giving love and support to people who turn out to be like the rest, intimidated by my ability to create and the confidence I hold. Insecurity is one hell of a drug. The worst part? It’s a them issue yet it becomes a problem of my own.

I’ve had a childhood friend of 15+ years betray me and leave me traumatized, only to find out later on why they allowed it to happen. I’ve had peers shun me from the circle simply just for being the only one to win an award. A past roommate sabotage me because we were in the same major and didn’t like seeing me receive praise. Another friend say that I deserved to be unhappy over a miscommunication. Classmates blatantly stealing my work and trying to replicate it (in a shoddy attempt) because they liked what they saw but wanted to take credit for it.

This is just a few of the things that first come to mind, there are more though.

But throughout all of these situations, I’ve still remained a supporter.

I hold no envy - I want to see others thrive, too. Build them up. We’re all just trying to discover our purpose in this rough world, and tearing each other down does nothing but destroy.

All I’ve ever done is focus on my own work and myself, that is the key to success. At least from my experience.

Many people can’t seem to understand that, so their insecurity often results in making it become someone else’s issue.

This is why I have trust issues. Every time I let someone in and open up to them, allow them to hear my thoughts and see my potential, I get hurt again.

It’s so hard knowing the power you hold, only for people to use it against you. I’m a self-saboteur at heart, but with time I’ve learned to realize my abilities and skills and give myself credit where it’s due.

But in this world, confidence = arrogance and lack of confidence is the norm.

When I finally found (and created) a space for myself to thrive with a community of similar interests, I’ve never felt this supported. Seeing people enjoy the stuff I post whether it’s my discussion videos or my shitposts, makes my heart feel warm inside. Finally, a sense of belonging with people who seem genuine where we can mutually support each other.

And now? This entire situation has had me feeling stripped of that again, something I’ve worked so hard to build back up. Having my mental health ridiculed when I’ve done nothing but advocate for it, being belittled. My safe space is no longer there.

Yes, I have dealt with mental health related issues my entire life, many of us have. But having that thrown out there in a negative light makes me feel… disturbed.

I honestly don’t know how to react, and am still processing all of this. Right now I just feel a flood of past memories that I don’t want to think about.

[muertocountyprincess]

Not entirely sure all that I’ll post here, but I like to think of this as my personal space where I can share my thoughts on anything without interfering with my main content. Even on my priv, X just doesn’t feel like the right place to share some stuff.

Maybe I can yap on here without feeling as if I’m saying too much, free from that judgement.

So, welcome to my hellscape

[muertocountyprincess]

Warning: This user tends to yap a lot

[muertocountyprincess]

Decided to make an alt tumblr since I don’t tend to post a lot of personal stuff on main, mostly just promoting my videos and reposting art here and there. Figured this would be a better place to send out my thoughts, my own little space here.

Hello! ✨