msmattea - Tumblr blog

[msmattea]

maybe at the gracious age of 23

mattea’s life began

September 17th 2024

rather than ended,

5 years ago

January 4th 2021.

[msmattea]

sometimes talking to men feels like sucking the final sips of something good through a bent plastic straw

[msmattea]

[msmattea]

i’m so sad but this sadness is shiny because i’m going to use this sadness as opportunity. opportunity to not hurt myself when i usually feel this sad. or to have sex when i’m this sad. or get high when im this sad. im gotta sit in this sadness for now and be sober and do something with my hands to be okay. i’ll write. i’ll close my eyes, to become a fly on the wall. i’ll envision my mom telling me exactly what i want to hear. she can fix me in ways that only a mother can. i’ve gone through worse, than today and i can’t ever loose that. this is just a reminder to myself, that bitch keep fucking going because i’m gonna getchu were you want 2 be

[msmattea]

froggy took advantage of me

fermented flowers; i was naive

offical ignightnent of miss tae marie

you are a frog with teeth.

amphibian smell, distinct like leather

engulfing you whole

unbroken, unremitting, dead voice of my mother

permanent change, God's unconscious goal.

i sit here contemporaily

digested and done

feeling missed, a shitty escapee

froggy's meal just begun.

-mattea

[msmattea]

i wanna get fucked not because i’m horny but because i wanna feel “important” does that make sense?

[msmattea]

[msmattea]

today was a good day, but today i was meloncoloy. i really missed my mom. i missed my best friend. i miss her toughness, and eagerness to call out my bullshit. she was my filter, my compass in navigation. Maya Angelou's "Mom&Me&Mom" made its way into my hands, "if there ever was a sitcom for the pair of us, thats what i would want it to be called" i thought to myself.

i messed up two orders at work today - fixed them of course - but messed them up nonetheless, and for the first time in my bookselling career: i was upset. before, there wouldn't be too much stalk in what i was doing, especially if im making minimum wage. i starting laughing to myself, theyre just books. life's got bigger fish to fry. i looooove fish. maybe im enjoying what im doing or its my eagerness to feel good at something again. even if its just shelving books.

im talking more at work, for which im proud of myself. i have to keep the old, juvinille habit of constant apolozing at bay. making friends has always been difficult for me, so there really isn't any disappoitment in still feeling "by myself" ive just come to accept that the people that will be in my life will be in my life. do i need to force the romantizied idea of a friendship? or am i an antisocial bitch? like isn't that the best feeling though, a friend crush!! a crush in general. someone to just breathe life into you again. i don't need to catch coversation like pokemon balls, but it might help me create an experience worth living, remembering.

i got another mary oliver book, specfially on how to write poetry. i will write more.

the new barista called me beautiful today, and then i instantly felt beautiful. i also think i instantly fell in love as i thought i had a crush on them for a second, but i think it was just me soaking in every drop of their compliment, and then romantizing a life with them just based off "here you go beautiful" such a small moment, that i may choose to live in if i ever need an escape.

i feel the most myself when im not anxious, and calm - especally in my talk. the performance of my being is enjoying retirement. i want to slow down and smell the roses, as they say.

i wonder if miss is thinking about the handwave i gave at 7:07pm as soon as i clocked out from work. i wonder only because i am. i'm trying to not let it eat me up. my worth as a person doesn't come from a handwave. or actually maybe it does.

going to cut my fringe now!!!

xx

mattea

[msmattea]

fuck you give me all your happiness now!!!!!!

[msmattea]

[msmattea]

Rainbow after the storm

[msmattea]

[msmattea]

i wish i could keep a closet of all the unchanged versions of myself

[msmattea]

Hans-Peter Feldmann, High heels-shoes, 45 pairs of shoes #100s_art

[msmattea]

[msmattea]

today in three pictures .

today was a good day. today was a blaze day that was filled with isolation at work (for which i did not mind in the slightest), a doctors appoitment (that went so well, i love my new dr!), a long walk with my brother (for which he spit and it caught wind and flew in my face and i absolutely felt like i needed to go to the hospital), got my favorite comfort meal (ONE of my favorites, that is; penne alla vodka and an apple tart desert), and now i'm watching Burn After Reading with JK Simmons and my mecca Frances McDormand. i started Valley of The Dolls by Jacqueline Susann on my break. will keep you updated. i don't really know who im writing to. i thought alot today about where i want to be and how paitent i am going to have to be. "i will get where i want to be, even if it takes time." im eager to meet the girl im transforming, growing into. m going to smoke a joint and go to bed.

[msmattea]

my day in pictures.

today was a good day. a lazy day. today was my day off. i slept in, n deep cleaned the apartment. then my brother n i smoked in the park and went for a long walk (instantly thought jill scott), took the biggest nap, watched one of my favorite movies (the kindergarten teacher) did a hair mask and a face mask. today was a day to be grateful for.