mrs-venerable

[mrs-venerable]

hello dearies

Do not forget to drop by for a chat. Poor Mr de Worde is near frantic due to low submission numbers!

[mrs-venerable]

How do they rise up, dear readers?

[mrs-venerable]

i’m DYING

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Mrs Venerable, My flatmate is an actual ray of sunshine but he keeps stealing my pencils and my brain makes me feel guilty for stealing them back. I'm not sure what to do. Yrs, Somewhat Distressed, Upper Broadway, Morpork

Dear Somewhat Distressed

Apologies for the late reply, but an unlicenced thief absconded with my dis-organiser, and I promptly lost the ability to note down thoughts and responses.

As to your high-stakes problem:

Pencils are a tremendously personal thing. As such, stealing them back is not stealing. It is to be considered "keeping the peace", an act for which I am sure our illustrious Duke, Commander Sir Samuel would thank you from the bottom of his heart.

Now, I had to think long and hard to be able to offer a solution to the root of your feelings: pencils being stolen from you. So I consulted with a certain no-nonsense teacher I heard of, and she offered this advice.

Apparently, self-printing your pencils is an effective way of keeping sticky fingers from pocketing them!

Now, dear DS on to updates! How did the move go, and did you find a positive balance?

Warmest regards,

Mrs Venerable

[mrs-venerable]

Witch Tip #154

Wearing a peach pit around your neck will ward off evil.

[mrs-venerable]

how do people make friends here?

I just want people who understand Discworld to send memes to and get jokes with me. please. i’ve never had an internet friend.

am I too late?

[mrs-venerable]

The delightful Bunny!

Hope you remain as well as can be.

Warmest regards,

Mrs Venerable

By the way, to those of you who are seeing the Mrs Venerable post for the first time (if you’re confused just shout at me and I can explain the context but the link in the post should explain it) there is actually a Mrs Venerable blog where you can ask for anonymous advice! Check the Mrs Venerable tag or head over to @mrs-venerable!

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Mrs. Venerable,

A friend of mine is convinced that the newly discovered disease is fake. She seems to think it's all some kind of government plot. Two of her children have already had it. Clearly her brain has been stolen. How do I convince her that it's impossible to live without a brain and the reason she hasn't gotten the disease yet is that she's clearly a zombie?

Yours,

Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

I have an acquaintance, and their reply would stop at: Oy vey! RUN.

But I also have people who, like your friend, does not take this source of pandemonium seriously.

I have noticed, however, that when speaking to these people while referring to the FINANCIAL cost, they are much more responsive to requests from people (me) to adhere to any regulations put forth by health departments the world over. Apparently, people dying (themselves included) are not nearly as awful as people going bankrupt due to medical expenses.

Another option is to trot down to doctor Lawn's, and get him to terrify compliance into these people. He has enough odd equipment to terrify ANYONE.

Whether your friend wakes to reality or no, it is my fervent wish you remain healthy.

Warmest regards,

Mrs Venerable

[mrs-venerable]

hello dearies

Do not forget to drop by for a chat. Poor Mr de Worde is near frantic due to low submission numbers!

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Mrs Venerable, I am soon moving to the city centre in pursuit of adding a longer string of letters after my name and I cannot bring along as many of my books as I would like and am having a terrible time deciding between prioritizing volumes I keep around as comfort objects/don’t actually re-read and reference materials to avoid reliance on a library in the midst of a plague.Unrelatedly, I feel cowardly secretly hoping the Actors Guild will force me to change my name so I’ll have an excuse

Dear Elsinore,

I find that balance is key. 

80 % comfort and 20 % function is the optimal balance to survive in life. However, as we are not surviving in an optimal society at present, I would highly recommend 20 % comfort and 80 % function. 

However, if you run along to the Unseen University, in the High Energy Magic building, you will find a fellow by the name of Ponder Stibbons. If you run into trouble finding reference works, I am certain he will allow Hex to assist you. I will send you a password momentarily.

Warmest regards, 

Mrs. Venerable

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Mrs Venerable, I am soon moving to the city centre in pursuit of adding a longer string of letters after my name and I cannot bring along as many of my books as I would like and am having a terrible time deciding between prioritizing volumes I keep around as comfort objects/don’t actually re-read and reference materials to avoid reliance on a library in the midst of a plague.Unrelatedly, I feel cowardly secretly hoping the Actors Guild will force me to change my name so I’ll have an excuse

Dear Elsinore,

I find that balance is key. 

80 % comfort and 20 % function is the optimal balance to survive in life. However, as we are not surviving in an optimal society at present, I would highly recommend 20 % comfort and 80 % function. 

However, if you run along to the Unseen University, in the High Energy Magic building, you will find a fellow by the name of Ponder Stibbons. If you run into trouble finding reference works, I am certain he will allow Hex to assist you. I will send you a password momentarily.

Warmest regards, 

Mrs. Venerable

[mrs-venerable]

if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills.

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Mrs. Venerable, I was in a traffic accident on my way to work this morning and am just trying to survive until the day is over and I can leave work and go home. (I suffered no physical damage, but am very shaky and nauseous.) How do you keep yourself together on your worst days? How do you keep yourself from losing grip of reality? Thank you in advance. I very much appreciate your work. It's a delight to read. Mx. R of Cockbill Street, Ankh-Morpork

Dear Mx. R of Cockbill Street,

Was it the accident between two carts at the corner of Dragon and Rime Street?

I am rather relieved to hear that you are unscathed but concerned that you remain shaken. 

Dearest Mx. R. Like any other person, I have truly terrible days. It is sometimes not enough to look forward to toast and tea. When the soul is heavy, the body labours double - nay! Triple. However, I am privileged enough to be acquainted with the inimitable Dr. Mossy Lawn, who is of the firm belief that proper medication, some light exercise and the love of a pet can drag even the most down humanoid through a terrible day. 

All these things work terribly well. For most.

I will share with you a secret you may NEVER divulge to another soul: though the medication works mostly, it is costly. Exercise is only feasible if you are not in interminable, perpetual pain. This is I. My anchors to life are two vastly different leads: one keeps me here, the other propels me forward.

A fuzzy little pet is a little something that can ground you day-to-day, should you be able to reasonably care for a creature. They lift the spirit fantastically, and soothe the soul successfully.

And choose ONE task you dread to do each morning (apart from getting out of bed - mine is brushing my teeth. Who decided peppermint is a thing,  anyway?)

Set yourself a goal: If I can get past this dreaded task (getting up/going to this meeting) to accomplish my set goal (brushing teeth/haggle with the fishmonger), then I have conquered the day, and I will conquer the next dreaded task. Make your day small steps, and tell your mind every step is a victory. Because it is. 

Warmest regards, 

Mrs. Venerable

Edit: My humblest apologies, I had to have this post re-printed, as I only just realised that I had misgendered you dearest Mx. R. I hope this correction will prove my sincerest apologies, and I shall endeavour to read my letters with hawk-eyed attentiveness hereon out. 

Warmest regards, 

Mrs. Venerable

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Mrs Venerable, I know you wanted to credit the artist of your header and as I'm aware it's by @crocincrocsart :)

Dear Scent of Books

My most effusive thank yous!

Warmest regards,

Mrs. Venerable

[mrs-venerable]

Dear Dats der bunny

Sometimes people need a distraction that brings them joy. It seems the hc you are concerned about is bringing you relief from problems concerning the wider world.

Relief is necessary and good. Do not turn a good hc, which is bringing multiple people joy, into another concern.

Revel in it while you can.

Warmest regards,

Mrs. Venerable

Dear Mrs Venerable,

I have recently become so invested in a headcanon that it’s started to take over my life (and my blog) completely. What should I do?

Yours sincerely,

Dat’s der bunny.