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I miss you...

I miss your smile, I miss your laughter,  I miss the way you made me feel happy, I miss the way you would hold my hand and make me feel like the most important little girl in the world, I miss how you made everything better, I miss your words of wisdom, I miss the way this family used to be, I miss the man who made light shine in everyone heart, I miss the way you knew something was wrong before I even spoke, I miss the way you always knew what to say, I miss the way you taught is life lessons, I miss the way you used to dance with me on your feet, I miss the way you would sing Celine Dion with a mop on your head, I miss the way you taught me to love, to be grateful, to be postive and to never give up, I miss the way you took me on trips to do adult things, like taxes, pay bills, and talk to all the peoples children so you could get deals, I miss the way you were always interested in, in whatever got mine and brother’s interest, I miss the fact that you held this family together, I miss your hugs, I miss your cuddles, I miss seeing your name on cards, I miss seeing your hand writting on every bit of paper in the whole house, I miss your voice, I miss hearing you say “I love you, all the dead fish in the sea, Princess” I miss you so much, it doesn’t matter how much time passes, every second of everyday you’re on my mind, right next to the other most important man that is in my life. I wish you would come home, but you’re gone.. Love you my king, I’ll always be your Princess.  xxxx

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Where did you go?

I flick threw our memories, of years gone by. Wondering what happened, where did you go?

Inseperateable we were, I knew that day would one day end, but not like this, not like that, I didnt want it to be gone. I just knew it was going to change. 

Where did you go?

Moved away, new life, new decisions. Where did you go? Not far away, but far enough, to never see the new life you have created.  Wondering, if we will ever be as close as we were before. Wondering, if we will made new memories just as good as the old ones.  We should be able to talk about the past present and future, but the only thing you care about is your present... not our shared passsed, not intergrating into my present, and it seems dark that you will be fully in my future. A future that looks bleak without you in it.  I want us to be able to talk about our memories, the good, the sad, the painful, and support each other in our presents, but then encourage for each other futures, but not from a distance, distance is measured by many means, but this one is all in the mind, this distance feels greater as we do not comminicate, we do no intergrate, we do not meet in the middle... I’ll have to do the sacrafice.  Maybe it is my fault, i do not know.  In this mind of mine i do not know what is reality and what is fantasy. what I want and what is wrong or right. I’ll just have to stay in this bubble of memories, its safer, its happy, i do not need to reflect on the pain no more.

One day i hope the bubble become reality for us

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Lets talk about you.

No matter what you are there everyday, calling or texting or being in my thoughts, as i struggle through lifes issues, the same ones everyday that don’t always change. 

You are the image of someone I want in my life. You are fun, kind, caring, intelligent, understanding, wicked sense of humour,  willing to go that extra mile whenever you can, even if it leaves your life in trouble. You’re in the middle of a crossroads, with no real answers leading you forward, but you are afraid, however you don’t let anyone see, as you don’t want them to be disappointed. You don’t want their hurt, to hurt you in turn. You’re the model of a mother I want to be. Strict but fun. Friends, but family. Boundaries set. Determination to make the best of everything, including single mother life. No man can take away what you have downe, and continue tpodo for that precious person in your life. No man can competite with the love that little person. Nor should a man want to competite. Its a different love. They should encoruage you’re continuing, your unmeasureable love and devotion.  It should encourage them to mimick some actions to show you that you’re not alone, or dictacted to. You are of one mind and one body. 

You do not think you’ll find a man like this, and that’s okay to you, as you know no matter what their world will be kept unharmed, as little as possible. 

But you’re have been hurt, too many times, by people who should never have hurt you, you continue to cry silently, you do not scream, you just smile and carry on. I want this strength. You will do anythiung to contin ue living. but not just living, but to be alive!!

You’re life is at a crossroads, but that’s okay, because the decision making, the try-errors that you experience just fuel this need to be alive, to live life will no regrets, no what ifs. 

I look up to you. Thank you for pushing me threw 

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

I gave you all of me

But it still ain't enough to make you happy

I gave you everything

It still don't measure up, no

It feels like I walked 5 thousand miles

And didn't even come close

Feels like I try to make you smile

But you don't even care, no

I'll never be big enough to pay your dues

But I keep trying

You just keep on making me jump through hoops

What do I got to do?

I just want you to look at me

To see that I can be worth your love

I just want you to look at me

And see that I can be

Good enough, good enough

I just wanna be good enough for you baby

Good enough, good enough, yeah

I try to be good enough

I try to be good enough for you baby

I try to show you that I'm strong

Why do I even bother?

'Cause it's the same old damn song

And you call yourself a father

Feels like I'm reaching for the stars

But heaven isn't letting me

I wish that I had longer arms

But I know that I will never be never be

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

A letter to you...

Hey Daddy, (can't say dear it's too formal)

This month has been really hard. Shortage of everything and having to wear a smile and stay strong for your grandson is hard work. School problems already, they only gave him 2 days before they want to change things for him.. I know you would be straight at the school, doing you usual of getting information without them realising (a skill I still need to practice) (it's not lying it's more reading between the lines which has become difficult with the advancement of technology). Going away and collecting loads of information, researching my rights as a mother, what legal requirements do they have to follow, etc etc.

Everytime, a low day hits, you'd know because if my music or certain changing in my behaviour, you never asked out right what was the matter, but you always found out and made it all seem better. You were my rock and shoulder to cry on and now I have to do it alone..joys of adulthood.

Drama. Ooo you hated dramas... especially teenage female dramas... sadly, it still exists even in adulthood...annoyingly!!

Money crisis... it would never have happened with you around. You would teach me lessons but ultimately you would always proctect your family. Financially, emotionally... in every way.

Mental health is a hard one bevause... it wasn't really mentioned... maybe when you had.. cancer you started to suffer in silence about mental health, but i knew you were struggling, I saw it a few times away from mum and twin... you hated me seeing, but I never made, I hope I didn't, make you feel less like my king when I ran to make you fun or tea or to do something just to ease the pain you were in.

I know you would have got a dog if it would have made the family happy, I know you would have struggled to keep up with us as we walked the dog, but that was the kind of man you were. Selfless. Everyone was before you, you always wanted to help others and stop and pain or any worries to ease a person's life... and just like me you were taken advantage of several times, but you never changed, wiser maybe, but still selfless, kind, caring and understanding. You always had time for others.

I hope I live up to some of your attributes and make you proud.

I miss you, I still cry like a child because you're not here no more, you're a wise voice in my head that I try and use to help me in this journey.. but it's hard because these are situations we never faced together, I'm doing it alone, hoping I'm doing it right, hoping that I'll get out.

I hope where you are is good and you're taking care of others that the world has lost but you have gained. Love you Daddy, where you are is looking to have an Angel like you. Xxx💔👨‍👧🤴🏼

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

GET OUT OF MY MIND!!

Haven't thought about you in months. Not one thought. Not one care. But strange things have been haopening which I can't talk about but it's made me think about you all over again. I don't even know why!!

I'm so happy and confident. I don't feel like I'm walking on egg shells no more. I'm empowered!! I'm taking back my life. Getting it into a place I want to be. So one day I can walk proud and tall and you Will all see me and think fuck! We were wrong! Everyone who doubted ans put me down for their own means. But I have control now I have the power to say no... to almost all...

I don't want this pain again. I'm fighting interniorly.i don't know why you're in my mind. Just fuck off! No words have been spoken but somehow you're in my mind.... I'm literally out of my mind!! I'm this new woman but you're all still there putting me down making lies and thinking i don't know but I fucking do.

Watch this fucking space! Now get out of my mind

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

My feelings about me telling me they are Prince charming

White lies, but they're getting dark

Blurred lines, but they're getting clearer

Just tell the truth, ay, it's not that hard

You call me crazy

So am I crazy?

Your words don't hold any weight

I can't seem to get a straight answer

Don't trust you, but who's to blame?

I think you're crazy

But am I crazy?

Got me second guessin' everything you say

Thinkin' that I know you, but you're really a stranger

Doin' what you gotta do to get your way

You're reckless and selfish and you can't help it

Say you're talkin' to me honestly

But you're lyin' to me constantly, oh

All the bullshit, I don't need it

And honestly, I don't believe it, nah

Say you're talkin' to me honestly

But I don't want your dumb apology, no

Say you're sorry, you don't mean it

Sorry that I don't believe it, nah

Say too much, but it's not enough

Got me wonderin', 'what a lie you hiding?'

Did you lie when you called it love?

Or am I crazy?

Somebody save me

Got me second guessin' everything you say

Thinkin' that I know you, but you're really a stranger

Doin' what you gotta do to get your way

You're reckless and selfish and you can't help it

Say you're talkin' to me honestly

But you're lyin' to me constantly, oh

All the bullshit, I don't need it

And honestly, I don't believe it, nah

Say you're talkin' to me honestly

But I don't want your dumb apology, no

Say you're sorry, you don't mean it

Sorry that I don't believe it, nah

Don't know what's reality

Made me question my sanity, oh

Don't know what's reality

Am I losing my sanity?

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Once a upon a time you were my everything now youre nothing more than a bad memory. Them feelings i felt for you were all consuming. Mental health high alert.

You caused all this pain but werent here to put the pieces back together. Broken jigsaw.

Well thats how it seemed at te time. But this bad bitch was never broken just lost in a sea emotion. The waves have calmed. Ive rised above the surface no way am i going under.

In life theres no safety net. Just your own initiative. Just your own survival skills.

J might not have many skills but i have survival skills.

I dont need to put people down to rise. No baking powder needed. Im a self riser.

Just need the right conditions and this bitch is gonna show you her worth. Taking my people with me. Be cause without those people i wouldn't be rising.

Hard bad or crazy bitch doesn't matter what you call me i don't leave my people behind. Leave no man behind

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Why the need to murder mans? Why not rap and laugh of loud at each others jokes? No big deal bantz are where its at. Laughter and love no need to muder mans. Get high and fly no need to murder mans, spits bar with henesses no need to murder mans, fuck bitches all night long no need to muder mans. Im no rapper no preacher im just a mum who doesnt understand the need to muder mans. Life is short life can be sweet dont deluded by rich man skills because rich mans come somewhere just as low as you and i or high like _______. No need to murder mans when we can murder beats and disease. Instead of murdering mans, Lets throw a party to celebrate mans. Unable to walk due to henesse and pussy no bullets fired no need, no need to murder mans

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

My personality is under misconception, you all think you know, but you only have a fabrication of other people's illusions.

Real friends know the real me, they dont have discussions of secrecy, more illusions that conspire into reality.

This vicious circle keeps happening. It doesnt bother me because ive got real people behind me. When i start to fall they hold me, when i start to lose sight of what is reality and fantasy, real people wont beat around; real people come forth, communicate, back into Sen i go.

This road is long and dangerous, but dont worry about me because I'm fearless, with real people behind me theres no stopping this tsunami. The soul of a wolf, the mind of a believer and the heart of a survivor im only this because of the real people behind me.

Inspirational is all around me. I dont need gods and people with money, to inspire me, inspiration is right in front me. Shown in ways that no one believes, mystery, life is your perception.

Inspiration is in any form, a cat meowing in a tree, to finding a smile in a child.

Though its simplicity, the inspiration that comes from it is limitless.

Technology is a useful tool but let's be honest the most inspiring things come from simplest of situations.

That cannot be perceived, unpredictable are these but last with us for ever more. Friend or foe, new or old, their legancy lives on inside of us.

Gone but never forgotten is a motto we say, the meaning simplicity forgotten it is.

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Buzzing

There might be some good news on the horizon for my family woop woop. not going to jinx it so once its all confirmed I will announce it :) Also had my first driving lesson and it was such unique feeling, you do feel independent i know i havent passed my test por have my own car but i understand what people meant whn they say they need a drive. Cant wait to be feeling that feeling everyday once i pass and get my first car. Son I will take you to the beach and the beautiful places in UK. Lupin will have his first experience of going on sand and the sea, cant wait for that. I can at least start to see some of my dreams happening like travelling around Europe in a Hippie van. This feeling I am having after so much negativity, feels like I have gone through a very dark forest, and the darkness is negative comments, experiences, all of lives woes bearing on you and now im starting to see ray of light coming thew the trees as i get closer to breaking out of the forest.

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

“After agonizing about the situation....

“After agonizing about the situation for a couple of months. I had to realise that this person simply wouldn’t bend for our relationship, and I had to let it go” The pain I feel every day, when you don;’t contact me is all consuming, every thought, pattern, behaviour is greatly effected. No matter what plans I have, distractions I use nothing replaces your face from my mind’s eye. You’re always there no matter what! You ignore my completely, cut me off even though, I did nothing to deserve this. You said friends and yes it’s hard because I wanted more, but at least I could hear your voice and see your face. But yoy cut me off. Is there someone else? Meaning you lied (again). Did I do something wrong? You leave questions, but never any answers. I try and train my mind to heal, but my heart continues to bleed for you, my sould cries out for you. Neither give in. Always in pain, hoping you’ll hear them.  I’m seen as this strong fighter, the Queen who has control, but you could stand at my door the sword and shield fall whilst the crown slips. No pain compares to this. Self harm will just make scars visible for everyone else, but they won’t show the real scars. The ones refusing to heal. The ones that stay open, only you can heal them fully. But you’re gone. How long for I don’t know, I keep this deluded hope that you’ll come back, friend or otherwise, it doesn’t matter anymore. I look at our photos, remembering how happy you made me. How life felt so complete and happiness was in every nuck and cranky of my life. Problems we had were scary and completely unpredictable, but it didn’t frighten me. I had everything I needed, life was on the up and just like that it was taken away. But I can’t stay in this place no more. You have created a prison for my mind. I’m completely trapped in the thoughts, feelings and pain you have left behind. No medicine can change this pain. No one else can take it away,. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic, but I can’t keep living this way. Come back as a friend or more. Help me heal, if not this war with myself will continue. WAlking through the battle ground, I’ll come acrosall the “soliders”; love, happiness, sadness, betrayal, lose, pain, heartbreak, but with every step I try to heal and walk away, but then I think I see you on the horizon, I run towards you, but all i see is another battle about to start.

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Peter Pan’s Shadow

You’re like Peter Pan‘s Shadow, when you want to be around you’re always there, but as soon as you feel like it , you leave Peter Pan without him knowing about it. There’s no explanation, no reason given. Peter Pan goes searching for his shadow, but the shadow is good at playing hide and seek. If he doesn’t want to be found he wont be discovered. Peter Pan can‘t ask for help. So Peter Pan is just wondering around hoping that his shadow will come back. Panic rises as the days pass by and no sign of his shadow.

Peter Pan hasno idea why Shadow has done this, Peter Pan searches his memory for any hints as to what he could of done.  Peter Pan deliberates and decides that his Shadow just wants to be alone. Hopefully, his Shadow will come back when he is ready.

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

One day

Home Inspiration by Greenbanks Interiors

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Why

Why aren't you talking to me? One moment we were laughing and looking forward to wheb we next catch up, then in the next breath you blocked me on everything. No explanations no consideration for how that has and will continue to affect me.... How it has filled my head with doubt, confusion, and sadness. I haven't done anything wrong we were on the same page or so i thought.... Everyday i hope youll message but you dont. I want to call you but i know you'll ignore me... The spqce you have left is like a shadow always there but never noticed.....

I hope i hear from you soon. This space needs feeling and its you it needs

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

I'm tired of staying up all night with you on my mind Still I'm laying here Yeah, I'm laying in the shirt you used to like No, I shouldn't mind All I think about is Does she move your body? Like I moved your body? 'Cause I wanna know, yeah, I wanna know Does she make you feel wanted? Is she all you wanted? 'Cause I wanna know, yeah, I wanna know

[motivatedmommyolivia91-blog]

Scandinavian studio apartment | photos by Anders Bergstedt

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