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“The Light V and IV” by Truls Espedal

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Sharing my vulnerability, because I can’t be the only one who feels this way ...

I like to journal when I feel my mind racing. I like to imagine that the rambling words and thoughts in my brain travel to my forehead, down my eyes, slide down my nose and then to the front of my throat. From there they split up and trickle along my collar bones, over to my shoulders and roll down my arms and pour through my finger tips. Afterwards I don’t always feel healed, but sometimes I feel a sense of relief. Or I can literally feel lighter, as though all of these words carry weight and I free them through to travel from my mind, through my keyboard, onto this screen. 

I feel like journaling today but i’m not sure exactly what I want to talk about. Which is strange because at this moment I feel like I have a lot on my mind. Which causes my critical mind to accuse myself of being “dramatic” and making mountains out of mole hills. As if the topics on my mind are really not that serious but my brain can’t help but to ruminate over them and cause me to make them bigger than they are. So I like to try this technique I learned in therapy. I picture the image or topic I’m obsessing over and I blow it up in my mind onto a large movie screen. And I separate myself from the thought so that I’m seated in the theater. Now, I shrink whatever is on the screen to the size of a post it note or index card. This experience makes me think of when Nick Carraway says in The Great Gatsby talks about being “within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.” I am in it I am experiencing it; it is happening to me. But sometimes to overcome or understand you need to remove yourself and watch yourself go through it as if you were vicariously watching someone else go through these things. It gives me the opportunity to look at myself and my reactions with an unbiased platform sometimes. I think this is such a simple tool, but such a pivotal one as well. 

Many of the topics I tend to obsess over can be draining and many of the “solutions” or “quick fixes” call for medication or relying on others for support. But simple imagery and changing a way of thinking has been so helpful to me. I feel like the media and research and education floods us with so many tools. And it’s exhausting figuring out which one can help you get through the basic everyday. We’re told, “change your diet and exercise,” right? But how long until you figure out a diet program or healthy way of eating that is practical for someone who can’t bring themselves to get up and cook or prepare a plate most days, let alone 3 times a day. And then which diet is good? Which turns out to do more harm then good? And exercise? Let’s assume your depression and anxiety affords you to overcome inertia and get up and get moving. Weight lifting? Great outlet for many people. Yoga and Barre too, fantastic. Spin classes and kick boxing, all have obvious benefits as outlets and rehabilitation. But is there any one that depression and anxiety will allow you to be consistent with? Reading, arts and crafts, all different kinds of hobbies can be therapeutic. But what happens when you find yourself back at square one? Even if all of these things can bring you a sense of calm and peace? What happens if despite your efforts of trying ASMR and essential oils and meditations you still cant seem to grab a hold of your stressful thoughts? Personally, I have become overwhelmed and obsessed with finding the one thing or even few things that can improve how I’m feeling. So what happens when you become overwhelmed with your searching for healing? When you’re so tired of societies views of how to “fix” anxiety and depression? We all have a little bit of each, right? So how do we learn to “live with it?”Do you finally break down and say, “Okay, ill take the medicine.” And for arguments sake, and for the sheer facts that science can support this, say that the medicine works. Am I now dependent on medication to always make me feel better? And let’s not even get into side effects of these medications. Keeping in mind, I work in the medical field and I am so very well aware of the promises of medicine, and do not intend to take away their effectiveness and how well they can work.

I like to think of my anxiety and depression as highly functioning. Meaning that they follow me each day like a cloud. Which sounds really dark and cliche in comparison to the mental image I have when I given these intangible items life-like characteristics. I can usually do all of the things that I need to do, that people need to see me do. Like get up and go to work. Care for my dogs. Sometimes I can’t find a reason or the energy to also eat though, or shower. And when I am functioning in front of others its hard for them to believe that I can struggle with such feelings of sadness and constant fears of impending doom, or rumination over past instances. Until it displays itself in the physical sense such as my ears turning bright red, or my neck and my chest exuding these bright red spots as if my stress is burning through my chest. A lot of times I’m thought to be dramatic. A lot of times people are humbled by this and feel that they can open up to me about their struggles. And even more often, there are the ignorant individuals who offer their sympathy and then in the next breath will tell me, “Stop worrying so much,” and, “Stop trying to control everything.” The issue is that I am so very well aware that I have zero control over what happens to me, and that in itself is nerve rattling for me. There’s a lot of push for “inspirational quotes” and to “stop feeling sorry for yourself” and “your life will reflect the attitude you express.” 

However, in my experience, sometimes positive thinking and good vibes aren’t enough to stop the random bouts of panic that come with no warning or reason. That leave you racking your brain for what you could possibly be worried about. And the constant push of awareness and shedding light on things that’s jammed down our throats on shareable posts on Facebook and Instagram creates new worries that I didn’t even fathom before. 

I think the main point I want to close with is that there really is no one single trick that works for everyone. That many different tools and resources can be used in conjunction to help maintain our sanity. Life is short and moments are fleeting, the next minute is unpredictable and not guaranteed. So we should eat what makes us happy. We should work out if we want, or not at all and be secure in that. I mean honestly, it would make no difference to me if Instagram influencers never shared another “leg day routine” that I just NEED to try in order to look, feel, and act happy like them. They sell a lifestyle rather than promoting true health. That’s a whole different topic though. Everyone’s journey through anxiety and depression is different, and I think that each person experiencing it should chose their healing tools independent of what society and social media tells us will “cure” us. I don’t see myself as sick, I just like to think of my average life as having more frequent speed bumps than most. So I proceed with caution, but I continue to proceed. 

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My dog and I are best friends despite sharing almost no interests.

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"There's nothing like the guilt you feel when there's room in your heart to love evil."

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"Thinking about how much I love her makes me hurt because of what she did. It hurts because I feel like I don't even know her. I feel like there's a side to her that I never even knew existed."

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have you ever craved someone? not in a sexual way, but you just wanted to hear the sound of their voice or feel the warmth of their body

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On the darkest days you have to search for a spot of brightness, on the coldest days you have to seek out a spot of warmth; on the bleakest days you have to keep your eyes onward and upward. And on the saddest days, you have to leave them open to let them cry. To then let them dry. To give them a chance to wash out the pain in order to see fresh and clear once again.

Tahereh Mafi, Unravel Me (via wordsnquotes)