mortaltravailed - Tumblr blog

[mortaltravailed]

sowwy for the inactivity. i got really unwell and needed surgery. technically i still need more surgery to remove some unwanted shit from a major artery but LMAO good luck to me in terms of getting it soon because i just dropped five grand on this first one and cannot afford more.

[mortaltravailed]

friendship ended with zhongli

now neuvillette is my favourite sad grandpa

[mortaltravailed]

@astrcls sent:

"i understand the desire to pretend a wound doesn't exist, but it does you no good in the end to do so --- it'll only fester and rear its ugly head at the most inconvenient time. perhaps you'd let me help you with it ... ?" [ from jing yuan, for kaeya ! fatherly instincts activated ;~; ]

long has the plate before him turned cold, the skewer held between his thumb and pointer finger serving little more than something to fidget with, idly spun back and forth upon its pointed end.

why is it that everywhere he ends up, someone feels the need to take him under their wing? is he really that pitiful?

"it's not like that."

oh, it's definitely like that.

kaeya doesn't have the heart to admit that he's not hungry. nor the heart to fess up to how his stomach twists itself into knots as jing yuan sees straight through him. instead, he sits languid and lifeless, hoping the ground would open up to swallow him whole so that he might avoid feeling so seen.

"my eye hurts sometimes. makes it hard to think, you know?"

a smile curls at the corners of his lips, hoping (in vain, mostly) to throw him off of the scent.

"but a stiff drink or two will patch me right up. promise."

[mortaltravailed]

been thinkin about zhongli Too Much lately (i entirely blame my con crunch/cosplay panic what with 3 weeks left until Ame) so

like this post for a grandpa in ur inbox 8)

[mortaltravailed]

puts his hand on kaeya's shoulder. this is diluc ragnvindr, a grown man, not knowing how to verbalize that he would like to give his baby brother a hug ...

the hand on the shoulder is never a good thing.

usually, it's his signal to give up on the drink -- the cue to stop just before he gets too wasted to think straight.

yet this time, drink wasn't even on the cards. in its place upon the table sat one of adelinde's delicious dinners, which he'd gratefully demolished... albeit a bit quicker than would probably be considered socially acceptable.

and with dinner polished off, it was time to go.

"what did i do this time? did i forget my table manners?"

usually, diluc is keen to maintain his personal space, to ensure that kaeya stays as far from him as possible, but the grasp upon his shoulder seems as though it's meant to keep him from leaving rather than to usher him out any faster.

an uncomfortable silence follows.

once, it had been natural to see the two ragnvindr boys joined at the hip. whether squeezed into rib-breaking hugs, or linked arm-in-arm as they socialised with friends and family, the two of them practically came as a unit.

only rarely, they'd have a brief spat and suddenly part from one another like feuding cats, but never had they been apart like this. not for this long.

they always drifted back together eventually.

and that's exactly what people said, following the death of their father. but too much stood between them, now. too many years. too much distance. too much said -- and then too much unsaid.

so it comes as a surprise even to kaeya himself when his arms suddenly fold themselves around diluc's frame, squeezing him tight. his face disappears into a broad shoulder, and he doesn't even think to breathe for a couple of seconds, too distracted by the comforting familiarity of his scent.

and then it hits, like a pile of bricks. a long, grievous wail escapes his chest -- one that he'd held onto for years, because there had been no shoulder for him to cry on. no justice for their family. no home to return to. no brother to celebrate the rest of his milestones with.

diluc must have hated him. diluc must still hate him, if he had the strength to keep his little brother at arms length when the other could no longer bear it.

kaeya would hate himself, too, if he were in his shoes.

"i'm sorry, 'luc. i-- i don't know why i'm like this."

but even now, spluttering out his apologies, he just can't bring himself to let go.

[mortaltravailed]

the whiplash of my threads vs my spotify playlist.

kaeya is sad. smashmouth's all star is blasting my eardrums into the next life. all is well.

[mortaltravailed]

of course he remembers.

that night is burned into his memory. permanently etched into his skin.

if he felt anything at all from the confession, his expression gave nothing away in the immediate moment, hands gripping his knees as he steels himself, turning his face away from his elder brother.

kaeya stares down at the rug instead, watching as the colours bleed and swirl into one another, and he prays that the ground would open up and swallow him whole, so that he could fall out of whatever horrid dream this was and wake up in his own bed.

he feels sick.

sick that he didn't see it sooner. that he didn't say something. now it all makes so much sense, and he wants to go back. blissful ignorance is better than the truth: kaeya knows this better than anyone else. he stands, hands finding their way to the mantle of the fireplace, and his posture visibly sinks.

to think that he had sat by, so unwilling to see the truth that he couldn't recognise that his brother was falling apart before his eyes.

what if the worst had happened? did you ever stop to think about that, you stupid silly boy?

"i don't hate you."

he shouldn't have to clarify this, but he feels as though it needs to be spoken aloud, lest diluc misread his need for space as rejection.

he wasn't the only one to lose a father that day: to see him so broken by the damage that thing had done to him that it had been better to put him out of his misery than to try and salvage what remained.

like a wounded animal.

selfishly, he wants to wail -- to scream and rage at the unfairness of it all. diluc always shouldered everything alone, kept his cards so close to his chest that even those closest to him wouldn't have to suffer worrying about him. this wretched, ugly world didn't deserve men like him.

but kaeya wouldn't allow him to burn so bright that he suffocated himself in the ensuing smoke.

"where is it now?"

if diluc had been using that thing for as long as he said, then it was only a matter of time before he did himself irreparable damage. a plan is rapidly formulating in his mind's eye, and he whirls on the spot to resume the task of dutifully tending to his ailing sibling. there's simply not enough time in the day to stand around and get caught up in his feelings, and he takes the towel back into his hands to mop up what the other had been too exhausted to catch.

diluc isn't going to like this, but what other choice does he have?

"you're going to hand that thing over, and then i'm getting a healer."

by the time they reach kaeya's flat, it's taking every ounce of energy diluc has to keep his head up, to carry even half his own weight. the handkerchief is long since soaked through with blood; it's splattered down his chest, staining his shirt, and the taste of it in his mouth is overwhelming, so much so that it makes him gag.

"thank you ... i ... don't feel good, kae ... " the words leave him as quietly as a last breath might, faint and shuddering. he sinks onto kaeya's couch, looking for all the world like a broken marionette; it seems to take every iota of strength he has to hold the towel to his face --- a frightening notion, given how ferocious and indomitable the man usually is. it's not long before his eyes slip to half-mast, dark circles under them standing out hauntingly against sallow, sweat-slick skin.

he tracks kaeya's movements for as long as he can; the minute kaeya steps into the kitchen, diluc lets himself slump against the arm of the couch, his limbs seemingly made of lead. this is the worst it's been in recent memory --- and of course, of course it would be when kaeya has to see it.

this was never supposed to happen, not like this ...

--- to kaeya's credit ( not that diluc ever doubted his culinary prowess ), the soup smells amazing, and tastes even better --- though diluc doesn't manage much of it before a fresh wave of dizziness hits him and sends him toppling right back against the arm of the couch. he glances over at kaeya as he slumps sideways, giving him the same sort of sad smile he'd worn years ago after being thrown from his horse on patrol: equal parts sorrowful and grateful for his little brother's presence --- for the familiar warmth and reassurance of the hand that's now rubbing his shoulder as if to console him.

( there's suddenly a lump in diluc's throat, a pricking in his eyes. )

"hanging in there," he repeats back, voice cracking on the final syllable. "i ... kaeya ... ? promise you ... won't hate me." the very notion makes diluc's chest feel as if it's been cracked wide open. kaeya already has every reason to hate him, but diluc's not sure his heart can take it if he sees disdain or repulsion on kaeya's face the next time he dares to hazard a glance over at him.

"d'you ... remember father's delusion ? the one he ... kept in the top drawer of the desk in his office ? the one he ---" diluc's voice grows softer, fainter still, "--- the one he used ... that night ?"

there's a beat; diluc grimaces, makes a quietly agonized sound, and readjusts the towel against his face. blood shouldn't be able to pour from a nose as quickly as diluc's is, but ... it is.

"i've been ... using it ... over the years, a-and lately ... and it ... i ... i ... "

[mortaltravailed]

"if you tell me you're sorry one more time, i'm going to smother you with that handkerchief."

he almost sounds serious, but there's a tinge of something strange in his voice. something that adds a peculiar wobble to the end of his sentence, and wills him not to speak again until he can claw back his composure.

but the silence only makes the journey back to his home an uncomfortable and awkward one, and there's the temptation to fill the air with his own voice just so that he doesn't have to listen to diluc's excuses. they only serve as a sobering reminder of their current reality, where every time he looks at diluc, there's the nagging feeling that something is wrong.

the last time kaeya had that sort of sickening gut-feeling, he swore to never ignore it again.

by the time they lock up the tavern and hobble their way through dim-lit streets, he's steeled himself enough to face whatever it is that diluc has to say. or, at least he thinks he has, as he shifts to unlock the front door of his home and lead his brother inside.

supporting diluc feels like he's carrying a shadow as he limply hangs against his own thin frame, concern only mounting with every passing second.

why in the world was he this weak? there's being tired and unwell, and then there's this. whatever this is.

kaeya shows little care for the state of his rug, nor for his soft furnishings as he guides diluc to the living area and briefly steps away, seeking out a bath towel to replace the ineffective, blood-soaked rag that diluc had been clinging to 'til now.

"if you're not feeling hungry, then... soup. soup is exactly the thing you need. at least, that's what adelinde told me."

he's willing to bet that he looks just about as lost as he feels, grasping at childish solutions where his adult experiences were failing him.

"just-- bear with me. keep that head back, and shout if you need me."

creating a broth with some stock, tomatoes and chunky, cubed vegetables is simple enough -- but he swears that the next few tens of minutes feel like an eternity. leaving his side just didn't sit right, but there were few things in the world that couldn't be bettered by a good meal and friendly company.

in the end, he'd be better for it... right?

paired with a single slice of buttered, crusty bread, it should be enough to warm his belly and get in some much-needed nutrients. the dish is set down onto the coffee table with a spoon -- and kaeya settles on down right next to his brother.

a sympathetic hand finds itself massaging his shoulder out of a lack of something more to do.

"you hanging in there? what's got you so beat down like this, huh?"

diluc stares at the floorboards for what feels like a small eternity, wishing he could turn into so many little grains of sand and slip between them, never to be seen or found again. kaeya's gaze is bright and piercing, and diluc swears for all the world that his little brother can peer into his very soul, dissecting out all the dark parts of him that diluc would just as soon keep hidden, and forcing them all into the light.

"you're right," he murmurs at long last, "i'm sorry, kae. it wasn't fair of me."

i'll always care about you, too.

a moment passes. diluc makes a pathetic little choking noise, tipping his head back and trying to stop the quickening flow of blood from his nose; as always, it's for naught. it won't stop until it's good and ready --- that much he's learned over the years. he mutters a soft apology under his breath, then swears sharply, swallowing thickly around the nauseating taste of hot copper.

"i ... " there are so many questions diluc wants to ask, but even he knows better than to ask them here and now; he bites his tongue, instead, and manages an exhausted half-smile up at kaeya. "thank you, kaeya. i'd be a fool to refuse the offer. though i don't think i'll be able to muster up much of an appetite in this state ... "

( the handkerchief's already soaked through with blood; for as strong and broad-shouldered as he is, diluc leans against kaeya like a ragdoll, limp and complaisant. )

"i have a lot to tell you," he repeats, more quietly this time. "it ... wasn't always this bad."

diluc's vision is narrowing, the world growing grey and fuzzy. this, too, is familiar --- but he's kept it hidden from kaeya. from everyone.

until now, that is.

"i'm sorry about all this ... sorry you ... have to see me like this ... fuck ... "

[mortaltravailed]

if there's one thing diluc knows, it's that kaeya likes his privacy. he's met a great deal of people on his travels across teyvat, but few of them have ever been even half as secretive as kaeya --- and those that were, weren't usually as good at keeping secrets as kaeya can be.

if there's another thing that diluc knows, it's that kaeya probably won't ask for help when he needs it.

and if there's another thing diluc knows ... it's how to pick a lock.

he makes quick work of the locks on kaeya's front door, then lets himself right on in, a bag of steaming-hot good hunter in tow. if there are any booby traps waiting for him, so be it; he's had worse in snezhnaya. probably.

"kaeya. it's me. brought you something --- you need to eat."

not only does kaeya like his privacy: he greatly enjoys it.

there's hardly any reason at all for anyone to disturb him. unlike jean, who cannot help but feel duty-bound to any poor soul that comes knocking, kaeya has always drawn a firm boundary as to the types of callers he will accept on his days off.

not even the knights are permitted to disturb, save for the most dire of circumstances -- at which point it will have likely taken his notice already, given that the majority of the city of freedom lay directly upon his doorstep.

there is only one caller that the captain will gladly accept: a certain spark knight, whom he has entertained on a handful of occasions when the knights sought a break from her boundless energy.

but just as quickly as klee's visits had begun did they also swiftly become prohibited -- for reasons that kaeya himself claims that he can't possibly fathom.

needless to say, he didn't often enjoy the presence of company within these walls, and certainly wasn't expecting any visits on this particular day.

so, when he detects sound coming from the door, he's quick to find something with which to defend himself. in place of his sword, which currently lay at his bedside, he seeks to make do with the thickest book within arm's reach.

upon entry, the hardback dictionary barely misses its target (diluc's face, naturally) and hits the doorframe with an incredible thunk, clattering to the floor and landing wide open, creasing some of the pages within.

the door opens into the living space where kaeya stands, stunned. dressed down to just the bare bones of his layers -- barefoot, blouse untucked from his trousers -- one hand covers his scarred eye from view as ice crackles at the fingertips of the other, ready to make iced skewers out of whoever dared break in.

"...d-- diluc?"

his gaze falls to his brother's face, then to the bag in hand -- and relief floods his features all at once. he slumps on the spot, resuming his previous state of sheer exhaustion as he falls back into the comfort of his armchair.

better him than anyone else.

"what are you doing in my...?"

even now, he struggles to call it 'home.' it's a relatively modest space, but not much compared to the winery. the walls are poorly plastered, with one wall dedicated entirely to half-filled bookshelves. there are contrasting blocks of colour on every wall, as if whoever painted it couldn't settle on just the one colour.

with a great fireplace sitting at the heart of it all, the light from the flames warms the room, shimmering through the shards of a stained-glass sun hung from the ceiling.

the windows, lined with a collection of windchimes from different regions, have their curtains pulled shut to block out the outside world. there are children's drawings stuck to the walls -- some older than others -- and an assortment of hanging plants in various states of health, with one in particular that definitely died off a long time ago.

his sibling is eventually greeted by a skinny, solid black cat that appears out of nowhere to rub its entire body along his boots, hungrily eyeing the food in his grasp.

he supposes there's no fighting it: diluc is here, whether he likes it or not. he gestures to the sofa, still shielding the right side of his face with his palm, and sighs.

"g'head. make yourself comfy."

[mortaltravailed]

stares wistfully at his baby brother from behind the bar counter. because if that isn't a classic diluc ragnvindr "i miss you but i don't know how to say it" moment, then what is ?

as ever, the cavalry captain is the life and soul of the party.

flitting from table to table as though the angel's share were a ballroom in place of a tavern, he moves with grace and confidence, charming and smiling his way through most of the bar's occupants with ease. with death after noon in low supply, he's paradoxically no less jolly and rosy-cheeked than usual.

but when he finds his mark, he sticks to them like glue for the rest of the night until they're stumbling out of the door together by the end, a mess of slurred speech and entangled limbs.

on their way out, his eye catches diluc's gaze, ever-watchful from his perch behind the bar. as he waves his goodbye, the smile on kaeya's lips is telling: he's got no intention of following through on the sweet nothings he'd been whispering into all-too eager ears just minutes prior. ignorance is bliss, it seems, for he appears too focused on achieving his own ends to notice his brother's unspoken distress.

kaeya's own recognition of the truth remains equally unspoken, in kind.

if he allowed it to show, people would see the both of them for what they were: two broken-hearted boys, no less caring, and hurting bitterly in one another's absence. yet it was safer to keep one another at arm's length, to maintain their frosty indifference and play the parts they've assigned to each other.

everything was a front: the alluring smiles, the cheerfully painted door to his townhouse -- even the very walls of mondstadt themselves hid his ugly, painful truths from the world, stuffed deep within the recesses of loose brickwork.

and kaeya preferred it remain that way.

come daybreak, he would attach the night's findings to the leg of the carrier pigeon at his window and let it loose. it was one of many letters that would find its way to the winery, and with it came an inability to distance diluc in absolutely everything he did, which seemed much too inhumane in sharp contrast to what had unfolded behind the locked doors of his home.

words that he had not the courage to speak out loud, but could just about manage under the safety of anonymity:

"be sure to take care of yourself."

[mortaltravailed]

just 3 weeks left of my stupid course until my hot girl summer can truly begin

[mortaltravailed]

also today i got to flex my knowledge of maple trees bc there was one at the supermarket and sb didn't know what it was

u can thank my kazuha obsession for that one

[mortaltravailed]

i probably won't be around next weekend bc it is my birthday on the 29th and i am actually being forced to make plans for it instead of just letting it pass by like usual lmao

[mortaltravailed]

when is hoyo finally gonna let kaeya have his Horse Girl Moment

[mortaltravailed]

idk have some relationship FACTS, in no particular order:

despite all his confidence, kaeya is actually Not That Slick in the dating world bc he was raised to be a proper gentleman. he can be endlessly flirty if drunk enough, and has had a handful of one-time flings, but genuine attempts to Get to Know Him Better will end in him slinking away like #OopsILeftTheOvenOn. he hasn't the heart to do Actual Courtship bc he feels like he will accidentally trample on someone's genuine feelings.

jean is a BIG romantic at heart, and the type who only falls in love with her closest friends. she wants 2 believe in true love but she's also got a lot going on with the knights and her experiences with her own family have calmed her expectations a ton. still, she'd love some flowers and smooches. give them.

dainsleif exclusively participates in steamy hate sex and nothing else.

zhongli is charmed only by the very extraordinary, because he bores v easily. when he was many many years younger, his appetite for intimacy used to be near-insatiable. sometimes he wishes he were still that way, bc then at least he'd have something on a physical level. nowadays he's just sad AND sexless. his tastes are pretty unusual and he'd definitely go for someone completely different than him.

kazuha is strictly aro but he is down for the queerplatonic relationships. he loves his friends on a very deep level and i feel like he'd just be the best to just exist around. and to get drunk. god he's so funny.

childe flirts with anything that MOVES and is a complete monsterfucker. his feelings are usually genuine but he will Also be a complete menace for the rest of ur life.

kaveh is such a people pleaser that he gives THE BEST oral. it is law. it is written. he is also very Soft and longs for lifelong companionship. for richer or for poorer type of deal. (bc he's fucking broke) he loves wholeheartedly but he has the potential to get himself stuck in some messy feelings bc of it. looks at alhaitham. LOOKS AT ALHAITHAM.

ayato is not one to mince his words when he's disinterested/disgusted and can be quite the obnoxious heartbreaker. having said that, when he's interested he WILL wine n dine u and u WILL enjoy it (or else he'll have to wine n dine u HARDER next time and u will end up eating one of his weird concotions)

[mortaltravailed]

kaeya's skin is so good but i would make just one (1) very important change:

get his tits back tf out

[mortaltravailed]

POV: They are judging you

A more lighthearted post after that last Kaeya illustration haha 🙃