moronwithavoice-blog

[moronwithavoice-blog]

i feel so fucking stupid and i shouldn’t. but it’s like everyone i let in, tell stuff to that i don’t want just anyone to know, they don’t do anything with it or me. i’m just a stupid girl that has hilariously bad luck and that’s why they keep me around i guess. i don't know. i feel stupid. can’t keep a friend for my fucking life, or if i make one i discover i don’t like them as much as i thought did. (no joke, i’m sitting here listening to the shins, keeping myself depressed and suicide dreaming haa). 

people i let in, real close, they just turn on me and stab me in the fucking back. or left me with not a one fucking explanation. cold. and cold turkey. i get obsessed with them, i love them and i want them to love me and us to hang out and be buds and they fucking leave me? what did i do to deserve it? love them, maybe too much sometimes? and now. now i’m left with hardly anything, i love tv and movies and celebrities, music, i guess, but who doesn’t? i’m not special. i’m not attractive as a friend. i’m nobody. a loser. a loner. a fuck up. and yeah society put that on me but i’m starting to believe it at college. i want to end it, one less freak to make the general public not feel uncomfortable for a few moments. they’d love that. they’d say aw thats terrible, then move on to the next thing. god forbid they become sad for a while, a bit depressed even, at the thought of someone hating their existence so much they ended it themselves. no, they’d get sidetracked. gotta keep going. for what? what’s the fucking point. people love you, or you think they do, then they leave you. or they say they love you but do nothing for you. you give and they gladly take, and you wait for something but theres just silence on their end. dead silence. and so you get mad, emotional, paranoid. no one fucking appreciates you or cares. being nice isn’t enough. and you’re not enough. you’re pathetic, writing this post on friday night. your mom is dying downstairs and you’re worried about homework or exercise or some other stupid shit. is this why they left you? because you’re the worst? i guess you are. loser. 

i love her, but she irritates me a lot. and she’s going now, so what do i do? how do i live like this, living for her even if we don’t fully connect. i want to die. i wish i could be the one to die. i know thats bad, and hey god if you’re real and listening i don't mean it, but thats what i feel now. and have felt. and will probably continue to feel. maybe it doesn’t feel normal anymore not to feel that way. i think that’s it..

i think i’ve had depression for a lot of my life. i don’t know. maybe. and i think my dad has it too. or has had it. and my sister has, thats clear. but she doesn’t want help, neither does he. they want to self destruct. and i feel that, but i’m here and i let them know  that they know i struggle, but maybe they just blow it off. they blow it off like theirs is valid but mine isn’t because i said i wanted to kill myself i wanted to be dead when i was an emotional teen. 

i should probably go to a hospital soon. i don’t know when tho. spring break maybe. but maybe it'll be too late. or i’ll have convinced myself i’m better by then. will i really be tho? probably not.

i hope i go running in hawaii. in the morning. before the sun rises. i really hope i do. or at least see the sunrise a few times while im there. i need and i want something good i can hold onto. because people, i don’t believe they can do that for me anymore. but that, a spiritual experience like that, i think it would help. and i want to be alone for it. maybe alex can be there if she takes an artsy pic of me or something, she's that type, but i don’t want anyone else. i want a moment of serenity, i want to close my eyes and be engulfed in pink orange light. i want a moment of heaven, or the idea, nirvana. i need it. i really need. 

i’ll look forward to that from now on i guess. i’m going to make mistakes i’m going to fuck up and hate myself more than a few times. but keep going for that, if nothing else.

[moronwithavoice-blog]

dear diary.

i don’t know if i’ll ever use this after tonight, but i feel i should journal, or record my thoughts to hold myself accountable or something. 

dear diary, i thought i would have done more with my life by now. i thought i would have realized my dreams, or accomplished something real that i cared about. but i haven't. it makes me sad. not as sad as everything thats happening in my life right now, all the really terribly sad things. but a distant sad. a sad that years from now i’ll still be holding onto. that’s sad.

i miss having good friends that i feel really care about me and that i really care about. i haven’t had those in quite some time. and i feel i’ve lost the ability to find those people for myself. or maybe just the motivation to. 

college is hard. life is hard. i hope i can get through it diary, for ending my life seems an all too easy end to the never-ending struggle. 

let something good come into my life. good, and whole, caring and understanding. i need this now, please diary.