moody-poetic-rambling

[moody-poetic-rambling]

a wee unsettling flea

fluttering below my belly

tickling my throat

drumming fervently on my heart

the downside of a good mood when

that wee unsettling flea

reminds me, a decree

i’m without my home

and that wee unsettling flea

burrows a hole in my chest

now my joy runs wild and free

and away away away

oh, you wee unsettling flea

what have you done to me?

[moody-poetic-rambling]

I don't know the world without you

roads unfamiliar

places I know like the back of my hand

I view through the eyes of a stranger

where am i without you?

where am i without you?

not here

not home

a piece of me has been ripped away

gone to stay with you

and so i am lost

waiting to be whole again

while i wander aimlessly

in this place

that i do not know without you

but when you return

back to me at last

i will remember

where i am

i will see this place in full color again

the details surging from my

memory

because you bring

light

and

love

to my life

where would i be without you?

where would i be without you?

[moody-poetic-rambling]

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING (mental health, SH, graphic)⚠️

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i like the bruises. i like the blood.

i like the way the deep red looks against my pale skin. it fills the neat cuts i make, pools and bubbles, then drools down my arm. i like the way it runs. delicately, like raindrops on a car window.

eight straight lines, as parallel as i can get them, vertically. twelve more lines, jaggedly parallel, horizontally, just to the left. i’m not always this neat. the scars fading on the insides of my right and left arms have a sense of erraticism i do not replicate now. lines moving in every direction, branching towards and away from each other, some overlapping in big “x”s and cross hatches. i slice over these old lines, the slightly serrated facial razor (a clean blade, i promise) tugging at the scar tissue as it passes through.

i spread the skin apart with my fingers, stretching the cuts as far as i can bear. i slice back into a few of them, trying to draw more blood. the sting of the blade sharpens, and i wish (as i have many times) for real blades to make it easier to cut deeper.

i hold my arm under warm running water, gently soaping the area in soft circular motions. the blood continues to run faster than i can dry it with a paper towel. i kept the cuts small so i would be able to cover it with just two bandaids inconspicuously. i’m already thinking through natural responses i can give just in case someone asks what happened.

i wonder if my friends know. i’ve never explicitly told them. i feel like a narcissist if i say they’ve probably noticed the other scars that i have. maybe they have, maybe they haven’t. what do they assume about me?

what do my customers think? do they glance twice? i think about how often i look at or notice details of strangers’ forearms. i have a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist, and i know that goes unnoticed by many, so why would they notice the scars?

i can already see the spots of bright purple forming around my cuts. the bruising, spreading between the thin lines, is morbidly pleasant. the pain is dull, aching, with sharp zaps like small poking needles tickling my arm. i like the bruises, i like the blood. i even like the sensation. they make me feel like i’ve taken action, that i’ve satisfied some kind of wrong, achieved a balance, delivered consequence. i’ve made something right. i feel the a faint swell of euphoria fill my chest, the adrenaline, endorphins, making my skin tingle. i suppress a smile at myself in the mirror. i feel slightly embarrassed, guilty even, as i smirk at myself. a cheeky wink, “see? this works every time! why didn’t we do this before!!”, taunting me with a knowing squint.

it’s better than drugs. it’s control. it’s rebellion. it’s release. this makes me feel like i can keep going. it pushes me forward. it encourages me, cheers me on.

it keeps me alive.

[moody-poetic-rambling]

there’s a pit

wedged beneath my lungs

behind my stomach

fighting for growth against my body

it’s where the feelings are

the bad feelings

the sad ones too

tucked

shoved

squeezed

right there

into a cavity far too small to contain all of the hurt

the pain

of past of present and of future

it fights my breath

it rushes my heart

it weakens my muscles

whatever strength i had withers away

it presses against my tongue

tightens my jaw

the pit

throbs

groans

bones creaking

it’s choking me

it forces the sight from my eyes

it collects all the pressure

from everywhere

vacuuming the grief from my insides

threatens implosion

taunts sudden gut wrenching inescapable death

to which i scoff

to which it rolls its eyes

it shrinks now

unamused by my attitude

[moody-poetic-rambling]

there are not enough words, and simply no words grand enough. i could write forever and still desperately have more to say. it feels as if my chest will explode if i fail to find a way to release the pressure. my love for you presses against my rib cage. it steams off my skin. it’s pushed my heart up into my throat. it races, running to you always, the drumming reverberating up my spine, each beat a steadfast promise to love you forever.

when i think of you, an adrenaline rush surges from my toes, flooding my body. it soars into my face. i shiver as goosebumps rise. my eyes tear. the depth of longing i hold for you to be forever closer, even when you’re as close as this world physically allows, is Earth shattering. i melt in your gaze. you turn my legs to jelly. i grit my teeth in earnest. i clench every muscle in my body holding the love i carry for you inside.

you exist with ferocity within me. you roar with wholehearted affection and unconditional acceptance. you are unequivocally the most incredible person i’ve ever met. smart, kind beyond kindness, brave, resilient, too humble, easy on the eyes… i could not be prouder to be with you.

being known by you is lucky like winning the lottery every time you buy a ticket. it’s hitting every green light when you’re in a rush. it’s finding hundred dollar bills on the sidewalk.

being loved by you is luck so great it hasn’t been defined in this world. there are so few granted a gift such as this, so wonderful it is truly and utterly indescribable. i fear i need to invent a new language. i need words stronger than simple: “love”, “loyalty”, “trust”, “goodness”. what we are to each other is infinitely more magnificent than these.

the biggest fight i’ve fought in my life was living without you. 7,553 days, one hour, and approximately four minutes spent scratching and clawing at life, desperate to stay afloat, pleading with myself to summon the energy to continue the climb. when i met you, i felt my deepest fears magically fade into the distance, forgotten as i sunk into your arms. my true love at first sight.

you became my raison d’être, my reason to be. everything is ok at last because i know that nothing can get to me as long as we are together. you are the blanket i retreat under in a nightmare, my guardian angel, my shooting star. i’ve wished on a thousand eyelashes, on countless dandelions, on every wishbone, for you, my fairytale.

never will i live a day without you. you are a part of me. we are cosmically sewn. my life began as it shall end, with you.

long beyond the day our tangibility fades, our love will still remain. it is the greatest force in the universe, the meaning of life, it is time and space itself. it revolves planets. it keeps the world on its axis. it is far more powerful than any evil. those who come after us will feel it rolling in the waves of the ocean or blowing gently through a cornfield. it will wander through airports, saunter along train tracks. you may even find it at a sketchy Motel 6 outside of Chicago. it has already settled in the lungs of everyone gathered here today. you all breathe it now, a bit of true love for you to carry along your way.

you have made me happier than i ever could have hoped to be. you are my world, and the source of all of its delight. i love you more than everything, my Husband. for forever and ever.

[moody-poetic-rambling]

if i could just stay here for a minute

please, another moment

let me collect myself

i need to remember

every

little

detail

please, understand

i need a chance to breathe in

all

the

way

please, i need another minute

i need forever

but i’ll take one more minute

please, oh please,

just one more minute

with you.

[moody-poetic-rambling]

afraid to turn to look at your face

resting, peaceful, sleeping, dreaming

while i’m laying next to you

writhing, choking, fighting, breaking

your arm around me holds me down

silent tears and careful breaths

must not wake my baby.