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I got pregnant again.

And I lost that one too. It’s been two weeks since that happened. And I’ve been quiet about it. And I’m mad that I don’t feel like I can talk about it. Like it’s shameful. Or not glamorous.

2 pregnancy losses in one year. I’m very sad. My first baby would have been due in mid October. My second would have been due in late March. I never ever expected that I’d be able to say I’ve been pregnant twice and still have no children. If I have one more miscarriage, it’s deemed ‘recurrent miscarriages’ and I’ll be sent off for fertility testing/genetic testing. WHAT. I am distraught. And fearful of the future.

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The weird and harsh positives of my miscarriage:

1. The timing could not have been better. Unfortunately with everything going in with covid-19, everything is shut down. I took 2 days off of work (the day I found out about the miscarriage and the day after), but the day after that was the first day of my work closing and I haven’t been back to work since. And I’m still getting paid as regular. I’m literally granted the time to greive and cope all while not having to use PTO and not risking my financial situation. How grateful I am for this to happen now. (Please note I am not grateful AT ALL for what is happening in the world and my anxiety has been really bad and I haven’t left my house and I am really worried for the weeks to come, miscarriage aside).

2. My surgery was sooo expensive out of pocket that Joey and I actually reached our deductible. Which means if I am in and out of the doctors office in the weeks and months to come- it won’t be as hard on us financially. Also Joey is going to get his wisdom teeth out now that we’ve hit the deductible. I’ve never hit my deductible ever. Its a sad level up in the adult world.

3. This part is hard as it makes me feel very conflicted about my own internal feelings about my pregnancy but since it was molar- there was no baby. It was just a tumor. That somewhat helps me cope a little better. No baby died. Just the potential of the baby- and that alone is very hard. We tried for a while before I got pregnant. And when I took the pregnancy test I couldn’t believe it. I was finally pregnant. :/

4. As my husband said ‘at least we know his sperm works’. My eggs might need to be checked out but hey- I’ll already be going through lots of testing this year anyways.

Trying to keep it real with the positives. Any way that I can.

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Official diagnosis- molar pregnancy. Simple explanation- rare form of miscarriage in which the sperm and egg came together and instead of producing a baby, it produced a tumor. Non cancerous, but still dangerous. It has continued to grow although slower than my actual pregnancy. I would be 10 weeks now, and the sac is measuring 2 weeks behind. Medication and waiting it out is not an option for molar pregnancy, so I go in for surgery tomorrow. And just like that, my first pregnancy will be ended and over. I only knew about it for 5 and a half weeks but it meant a lot during those weeks. And it’s about to all be over.

I’m very nervous. I’m starting to feel my body not handle this because my mind is weak. And I can’t afford to be weak right now.

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Life is weird.

I’m at home from work today and tomorrow and most likely Friday. Tomorrow I am taking a medicine to kick start my body into miscarriage as I don’t want to have to keep waiting for my body do it naturally. I’ve been ok- but I also cannot stop crying. Like I have been nonstop crying all day and I got so bored of crying I just went to sleep even though I wasn’t tired. My husband is at work and honestly I am thankful to be here alone right now grieving in my own way. He is grieving in his own way too.

I’m annoyed because 2 people I know are pregnant that I’ve thought ‘holy shit how are they pregnant’ and now I’m mad. Why do they get to continue their pregnancy but I don’t?

October is my favorite month. Now I’ll always remember it as the month I was supposed to have my first baby.

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Pregnancy tired is a whole new tired.

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No one uses tumblr, right? Hopefully not.

So my brother in law got divorced to his wife not that long ago. And I knew that my in laws weren’t a fan of her and I actually didn’t really talk to her much until this past April. We got kind of close all at once and then not at all. She’s younger and I think I had in my mind that she wasn’t going to be around forever. Well a couple months later they got divorced. But anyways- she never ever ever wanted kids. My brother in law did. Their divorce wasn’t about that. I was having baby fever and she then started saying she might want kids one day and i was kind of afraid we’d be pregnant together which I didn’t want. Cause I wanted that to be a me thing and not an us thing. cause I’m selfish 🤷🏼‍♀️ anyways well now she’s in a new relationship (only divorced for 4 months) and supposedly is very newly pregnant......

..... and so am I.

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Nothing is more upsetting than literally begging someone to recognize your feelings and they still don’t care. It’s exhausting.

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I know this anger. I was on birth control for YEARS and my husband and I work very hard now to try to make a future for ourselves and our potential children. Now that we have been trying and have been unsuccessful- I’m feeling really negative feelings towards people and it’s completely out of jealousy and they are definitely unhealthy feelings. Why do young people not in committed relationships get to bring children into the world like it’s nothing while I’m trying to make the most for myself. Why do people who have less than me have multiple kids and I’m scared of the thought of one.... but I still want one. It’s confusing and it’s feelings that I never thought I’d have.

Hi- Before you read what is sure to be a long post just know this is a long-withheld anger of mine that I struggle with and find extremely embarrassing to be the owner of so bear that in mind if/when you decide to comment/respond.

Why do so many girls/women who don’t deserve their lives/babies get to have them? Am I merely some entitled little shit who has more growing to do as a person or is my frustration felt to be true and understandable?  I know (personally, not just online) an obscene amount of people who have children who absolutely shouldn’t. Women who hold the title of mother but are completely undeserving of it. I know of teenage girls who make the decisions of grown women to bring children into this world and then proceed to give them little to nothing of a decent life. I know of girls who believe they’re grown women trapping well off men with a child and then realizing after it’s too late that motherhood doesn’t suit them. I work in a private preschool which is open from 6:30am to 6:30pm and parents complain about how we’re not open longer because they don’t want to spend time with their children. I could go on and on and on for days of this list of people I deem unworthy of their position in life but I’ll spare you the time. My point is that I am angry. And obviously slightly hurt and perhaps it’s not too far of a stretch to say scorned and/or envious of those around me. I work hard to make what I consider “right” decisions and one of those is waiting until I was married to have children. Or waiting to bring a life into this world until I know I’m happy with myself and see the growth I desire before being an example to others. Or waiting to make sure my partner is align with me in my desires for our future children and not going to leave (This is obviously not completely predictable due to the fact that people can change out of nowhere one day but it’s fair to say that some people don’t get to know their partners at all before bringing life into the world). Or waiting until I can afford to not only be a stay at home mom but also on top of that afford all of the activities and private schools my child may want or need. This list could also go on and on but the main purpose of it is to make it clear to see is that I guide myself to the beat of responsibility and following my logic over emotions even if that means suffering for awhile. But even as this continues to exist on and on I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I know that is unrealistic but I am an emotional person when it comes down to it and I want to be selfish. I want to indulge in the light of a baby in the heart of my home. I want nothing more than to grow a family with my one true love. Suffering a miscarriage was painful enough but it was even harder sitting idly by as people who shouldn’t even have one child gets to have two! As I, a person who has worked SO hard for everything I have and want, has none. The world sometimes seems so cruel and unfair and I can’t deny my anger about any longer. I find all of these feelings disgusting and repulsive so I don’t dare share them with anyone especially not anybody I know in real life but here we are- “privately” dumping them onto the internet. 

That’s all. If you read it all wow thanks. I’m impressed. It would bring me great peace to hear from other women about their experiences and struggles so if you see this I’m BEGGING YOU please share them with me. I feel like a horrendous person. These people around me probably don’t deserve the wrath I carry for them. And me carrying this intense anger really can’t be good for me either. Oh well. Thanks!

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Venting in my safe space.

Life updates- I own a house. Well, I own a mortgage. Same thing, right? I have learned a lot about money over the years and I’m thankful to have been able to handle the job as the accountant in my marriage for the past 4 and a half years. It’s taught me a lot. Money is scary. Buying a house is hard because you never know how much you need until you move in. But I’m not here to talk about that.

I’m here to talk about how I never thought I’d be the girl getting extremely happy yet extremely emotional over pregnancy announcements. Maybe I just assumed, as most women do, that I could just stop taking birth control and a few weeks later I’d have a positive test. But that hasn’t been the case. And every period that comes feels like a death. And every ovulation that comes feels like a test that I’m not passing. And the more months that pass, the more I doubt the idea of even wanting a kid. I love my job. I love my freedom. I feel as though I want a kid, and I want my first one at least while I’m still in my 20s, and that clock is ticking. But I like being able to do what I want whenever I want. I am nervous about the financial burden of a child. I am nervous most especially about the pregnancy and birthing. But then when I get overwhelmed with those thoughts- my mind goes back to ‘well those might not even happen for you’ and then I get sad and I crave those things. The big belly. The birthing. The baby.

I’m not at the point where I’m wanting to, or even needing to, seek fertility help. But I’m scared that the time is going to pass quickly and before I know it I’ll be 30 and wondering why not me. To put into perspective, New Years is in a few days and I preplanned a potential pregnancy announcement we could have done in October at the pumpkin patch. And when that didn’t happen, I thought surely a Christmas announcement would be cute. Still no. Maybe Earth Day? That is my second favorite holiday.

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Early morning venting. Because this week was not ideal.

And I’m sorry for complaining. And all the things I’m upset about makes me feel selfish. But to make a long story short- for the last couple of weeks I’ve had so much to do and hardly any time to do it. And I feel like my life hasn’t allowed any time for me to just do anything for myself. I feel so overwhelmed, and it’s making me feel so agitated.

The added stress of finances makes it even worse. After paying our down payment, we haven’t had this little money in the account since 2 and a half years ago when we thought we were going to have to end our lease and move to his parents house. I feel like I need a second job but since my full time job is so far away I don’t even know where I would get a second job.

And I feel lonely. I’ve been in such a rut lately and I don’t live near anyone and I also never ever reach out to anyone so then no one reaches out to me and it’s partially my fault and I think a big part of it is being married. I love spending my time with Joey. And my schedule makes it hard to be with anyone else. But then again I don’t really have anyone else that i would rearrange my schedule for. Like I know I have friends, but I don’t have any close friends. But that’s also my fault. Which is typically fine- but lately it’s been feeling hard. Especially when I go weeks realizing I haven’t hung out with anyone. With all the being said- someone actually is coming over to paint with me and it’s someone I used to be really close with at my last job but when we started working together at my current job, she pushed me aside. She made me feel like an outsider when no one else did. She became close with other people and only when I pulled away did she try harder with me. It became exhausting. But I get that everyone has their faults and moments and I guess right now any kind of company would be great. I’m just hoping it’s a good time and we talk well and I don’t feel empty when she leaves. Those are the worst friends- the ones who leave you empty.

Overall I’m just in a bad spot. Work is ridiculously hectic right now. My school work has been on the back burner and I need to really get that work done. I need to make time (or find time) to get the house prepared for when we move in while also trying to pack up and clean the apartment so we can move out.

I can’t wait for all this to end. Come January, we will be 100% separated from the apartment. I will most likely have all my shit together at work. My class will be over although my practicum is what is stressful, not the class itself. And if anything needs to be done with the house it won’t be so bad because we will be living there.

I just want a break.

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Tl;dr- fuck money.

Fuck money. I’m actually really displeased with where I am in life right now. I’m 27. I have a bachelors degree. I have excellent job experience... and more specifically- have the best experience ever in terms of my career choice. I have a husband. We have a savings

Fuck money.

I’m 27. I don’t have a house. I live underneath loud ass preteens (ok they are probably like 20 or 21 but in my eyes they are children) in a college town apartment. I want a house. But at this time- it’s not doable.

I’m 27. When my mom was my age- my brother and I were already toddlers. I don’t have one kid. Can I even afford one kid? Can my body even conceive one kid?

Fuck money.

I’m 27. I have a bachelors that basically doesn’t mean shit. I absolutely adore my job and I’m currently in my last semester after over a year of studying for a credential not recognized in the state I live in. My job is 35 miles away from where I live. I am starting to hate my drive. My back hurts. I hate filling up my gas tank every couple of days.

Fuck money.

I’m 27. I graduated college over 5 years ago. I thought I did the most. I actually did the least. I didn’t know then that I would love what I do now. But I can’t afford to go back to school. I don’t have the time even if I could. Fuck money.

I’m lost in my life right now. And to even try to get my head straight I found a phenomenal therapist who actually helped me so much in just one session. But I CAN HARDLY AFFORD TO SEE HER MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH.

Fuck money.

I’m not really suicidal. But tonight I literally thought really hard about how worthless life has been feeling lately. This is not at all how I pictured it. I’m bored. I do nothing often. I’ve lost my appetite- I don’t ever want food. I’m nauseous. I’m tired. I want more.

What’s the point? When is one able to afford a home? When is one able to have a baby, in said unaffordable home, without losing your job? Without losing your income?

I’m bitter. And I’m really fucking sad. And my back hurts so bad because I sit all morning in a car for over an hour to get to a job where I’m lifting complex bodies all day just to get back into my car to drive home for an hour and a half. I’m tired. And I’m sad and I’m lost. And I’m bitter. And I fucking hate the idea of money.

Fuck

Money

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I’m employed! And in a new specific field of special needs- I’m going to school to be an intervener! I’m really excited and cannot wait to start learning ASL and multimodal communication!

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I called and declined one of my job offers.

And today I’m going in to discuss things with the job i am going to take.

My life is opening a new door and I couldn’t be more excited or optimistic ❤️

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I have two very amazing job offers

And I know I want one over the other but I am so afraid to close the door on one. And I’m not really sure why.

I know no one reads this but I left my job last week for various reasons. I’m staying in the field of special needs- NOT ABA.

Also my husband has a job now finally and so much stress was lifted when he got the offer.

Life is great.

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To make a long story super short

I hit a rock bottom last week and my depression has taken over my life worse than it ever has. I don’t eat or sleep much and I am either crying or I feel nothing. I had a psychotic breakdown this weekend and since then I’ve felt worse and I want to check myself in to a center or get therapy but I don’t have health insurance so that won’t work. I’m thankful to have the most amazing husband who is there for me but right now my world feels like it’s upside down and I can’t figure out how to fix it.

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Help?

I know this is going to be long and I’m sorry but if anyone takes the time to read this and can give me any guidance or support I would really appreciate it.

For 2.5 years I worked in a therapy center implementing a therapy practice not supported by science or research but some aspects of it was great depending on the kid. It was a holistic/whole brain/neuroplasticity approach that borrowed practices loosely from occupational therapy but also used cross lateral approaches to strengthen hemisphere communication. I bought it my first year and a half there but when I started to do my own research I found that cross lateral movement doesn’t have support, and that was their biggest selling point. So after about 2.5 years I left and pursued ABA therapy. I’m about a month and a half in on my practice and my heart just can’t sit well with it. I have read the negetvies about ABA (aversions, stopping stims, etc) but where I work we don’t do that. From where I work I feel a sense of lack of individuality for ABA. Lack of understanding of range of ability. When you run a target with a client, you track the independence of the prompting level. But a client has targets on his data that he physically is unable to complete independently and I understand that ABA is not set up to do this but i would much rather work what he NEEDS, rather than log what he ‘can and can’t do’.

My husband is an occupational therapist. For those of you wondering- us being in similar fields was just a random thing. We’ve been together for 8 and a half years and around our 5 and a half year mark he got accepted in graduate school for occupational therapy and he didn’t know then that working with people with special needs was an aspect of it. When he got accepted, that was the same time I randomly entered the field. It wasn’t until a few months later we realized we were doing similar things. I say this because my husband is very very smart and very determined. He graduated his undergrad and grad program with honors. I am not the same as him. I struggle academically (I graduated cum laude for my undergrad but I struggled to get it) and I also am not motivated or determined. I’m shamefully lazy and it takes a lot to keep my focus. What I’m trying to get at is I wish 5 years ago when I was finishing up my undergrad I knew then that occupational therapy was a field I would want to get into. Because now it’s too late. And I mean that seriously- my husband has hefty student loans from his grad program and it was very difficult for him to get into grad school even with his amazing resume. I don’t have anything that would get me into grad school for OT and not to mention I don’t have some of the pre-requisites. So before anyone tries to say I’m giving up- I just want to make it clear that the boat has sailed and it’s not something I can easily pursue anymore.

So with all that being said- I don’t know what to do. I want to work with children with special needs. I know it’s what I want to continue to keep doing. But I don’t know if I want to continue ABA but what else can I do? I don’t want to work in public schools. Does anyone know of any non-ABA jobs that exist?? You’d think almost 3 years into the field I’d know more options but I don’t and my life is shattering. 😭

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My husband has 3 interviews this week!!

I took a huge pay cut (hugeeeeee) to switch jobs and I’m not sure how regretful I am at the moment but it’s been a struggle and with Joey just finishing grad school and just recently got licensed, finding a job has also been a struggle but the past almost 3 years are finally starting to pay off and my life is about to be soooo different once Joey gets his first paycheck. I can’t even fathom how much we can relax once he starts making that OT money. After being under one income (mine) since the summer of 2015 this is such an amazing week for us. I really want to buy a house in November and lately it’s felt like that’s impossible but if he gets a good job this week- it will be very likely we will be able to move and finally start settling in to our new life.

I’m really happy. I love being married. I love my husband so much. He does so much for me and nothing is better than living with your best friend.

Ok I’m done bragging. I just needed to let this out somewhere and literally no one uses tumblr (not even me except when I wanna type something like this hahah)