mockingjaney

[mockingjaney]

Flex

Flex ko lang 'yung girlfriend ko, ayos lang ba? Nakita ko kasi 'tong tweet na 'to:

Hindi naman talaga perfect si Janina. Wala naman kasing ganoon, 'di ba? Tapos hindi rin naman ako naghahanap ng seryosong karelasyon noong mga panahon na nakilala ko siya. Pero wala eh, ang dali dali niyang mahalin. At mahal ko ang lahat lahat sa kanya--imperfections included. Sabi niya pa noon, marami raw siyang deal breakers. Eh sus, hindi naman pala big deal. Wala, mahal ko lang talaga lahat lahat sa kanya.

Pero eto na nga, flex ko lang siya kasi minsan talaga sa isip ko parang woah woah woah woah girlfriend ko ba talaga 'tong taong 'to???? Mahal ako nito????? Ako????? Huhuhu. Lahat ng friends ko na nameet ni Ja, tinatanong siya kung bakit daw ako. Hahaha. Nauulol sila eh. Epal ng mga 'yun. 😅

Pero nakakaulol naman kasi talaga!!!! Ito ha pakilala ko sa inyo girlfriend ko:

Panganay sa apat na magkakapatid. Parang siya na nagpalaki sa mga kapatid niya at lahat sila maaayos at mababait na bata. Napakaganda nga ng relasyon nila sa isa't isa eh. Idol ko siya sa pagiging ate. 😊

Mabait na anak. Tumutulong sa gastusin sa pamilya at masipag sa mga gawaing bahay.

Mahusay na guro. Sobra. Sabi ko nga, naging mas mabuti at mas maayos na tao pa siguro ako kung siya ang naging Grade 2 Teacher ko. 😅 Kaswe-swerte ng mga anak namin sa kanya. 😊 Kaya mahal na mahal siya ng mga estudyante niya eh. Mas mahal nga lang nila ako. Wahahaha. Ako good cop, siya bad cop eh. 😅

Maaasahang kaibigan. Laging handang makinig. Kahit na hindi sila madalas magkita-kita o mag-usap, hindi naman nawawala ang pagmamahal nila para sa isa't isa. 😊 Pero sana pa rin makilala ko na silang lahat!

Funny at witty. Huhuhu. Minsan akala niya nagccringe ako sa jokes niya kasi baka corny daw. E kako namamangha lang talaga ko sa utak niya! Kung papaano niya naisip mga ganung banat o jokes. Huhuhu. Madalas talaga, walang humpay tawanan namin as in! Sobrang funny ng baby ko. :(

Sobrang galing mag-sulat!! Mapa-English o Filipino. 😢 Talagang natutunaw 'yung puso ko kapag nagbibigay siya ng message. Jusk0. Sa kanya rin ako natututo na maging mas mahusay sa pagsalin sa mga salita ng mga naiisip at nararamdaman ko. Tapos kahit sa mga rules nga tulad sa paggamit ng "ng" at "nang" tapos ayun nga mga apostrophe. 😅 Ang ayos ayos ko na magtype. Hehe. Ginagaya ko kasi siya. 😅

Namamakyu ng mga nangcacatcall!!!! Grabe, palaban si ate girl Ja. 😅 Ako 'yung natatakot para sa kanya eh! Aktibista nga rin pala siya. Kung kaya niya nga raw ipaglaban ang mga maralita at masa, ako pa kaya? Aheheheheks.

Napakabuting tao. Syempre, nasa buhay niya kasi si Holy Spirit. 😊 Matulungin talaga siya tsaka napakabuti ng puso. 😊

Masipag, sobra! Kahit wala siyang pasok 'pag Sabado, nasa school 'yan para makita ako este para magtrabaho! Sobrang solid. Huhu.

Maalam sa mga bagay bagay!! Kahit pop culture man 'yan, mga pangalan ng tao sa literatura, mga isyu sa lipunan, name it! Alam 'yan ng girlfriend ko! Huhuhu. Ang husay sa pag-alala ng bagay bagay. Taba talaga ng utak niya. :(

Magaling mag-alaga. :( Hindi ako sanay na inaalagaan ang sarili ko. Ayos na nga sa'kin matulog lang buong araw 'pag hindi maganda ang pakiramdam. Pero ayun, one month after, medyo nasasanay na ko sa pag-aalaga ng baby ko. Spoiled na ko. 😢 Sana 'di siya magbago or magsawa sa'kin. Hehehe.

Talented!! Magaling kumanta, sumayaw at mahusay din sa arts!! Grabeh talaga. Nakakamanghang tao e. Lahat kaya. 😢

Napakaganda ng mukha. ((ayan baby ha hinuli ko na ang mga pisikal na aspeto. Alam ko naman ayaw mo nyan pero kasiiii maganda ka naman talaga. 😠)) Pati katawan huhuhu physically fit si gaga, varsity ba naman ng volleyball nung HS eh. Tinatalo pa nga ko nyan sa basketball sa Timezone. Huhu.

The list could go on and on. Pero tama na muna, lalaki na ulo ng baby ko hindi na makakalabas ng classroom 'yun nako. 😅😂 Pero ayan, given na sobra sobra sobra si Ja as a whole person, wala, araw araw tinatrabaho ko lang na hindi niya maramdaman na lugi siya sa'kin. She makes me want to be a better person. And she helps me to be one as well! Galing niyang role model eh. 😊 Hay. Napakablessed ko lang talaga sa girlfriend ko! TYL! Solid, solid.

[mockingjaney]

Nasasaktan ako para sa nangyayari sa kaibigan ko pero sana happy kayo po

Hindi ko alam kung tama ang nasa isip ko kung ano ang konteksto nito. Pero salamat sa panahon na mag-TA pa sa'kin. Ayoko na sanang makisawsaw pa, lalo't nagbigay na rin naman ng mensahe si Ja sa inyo. Ang akin lang, sana'y pairalin pa rin natin ang pag-ibig para sa kapwa. Simpleng pagpapakatao lang po. Hindi ko sinasabi na walang mali si Ja. Pero hindi naman maitatama ng pagkakamali ang isa pang pagkakamali. Lahat naman madadaan sa maayos na usapan. A lot of hurtful words have been said already. I pray that we can all move on from what happened. Salamat.

[mockingjaney]

Sana maging masaya kayong dalawa.

Nino? Salamat, I guess?

[mockingjaney]

Hi, love!

Wala lang, napansin ko lang na ang tagal ko nang ‘di nakakapag-blog. Sto nyo yon may mga pa-apostrophe na ko. HAHAHAHA. Ganda at laki talaga ng impluwensiya sakin ni Janina. Nararamdaman at nakikita ko talaga na nagiging mas mabuti at mas maayos akong tao dahil sa kanya. Para sa kanya na rin. Ayoko talagang maramdaman niyang lugi siya sa’kin. Tsaka ayoko rin kasi na take lang nang take. Give and take dapat. Eh hello, sobra sobra ‘yung pag-aalaga niya sa’kin parati. May baon akong lunch, may gamot kapag may sakit, may kasama kahit saan magpunta, may nakikinig sa mga napakahaba kong kwento, may nagpapakalma kapag sobra sobra na ‘yung rants, may nanlilibre kapag may sweldo na HAHAHA, may katuwang sa buhay. Wala na talagang mahihiling pa eh. Tinatrabaho ko na lang talaga na maiparamdam din sa kanya kung gaano ko siya kamahal at kung gaano ko pinapahalagahan kung anong meron kami. Wala, punong puno lang talaga ng galak at pasasalamat ‘yung puso ko.

Bukod dun, talagang nasasabik lang ako sa mga susunod pang araw, buwan at taon kasama siya. Napakasaya at napakaswerte talaga namin na meron kaming pagkakataon na maging magkasama araw araw. :)

[mockingjaney]

Life Update

Grabe. Thinking about the past month, sobrang daming nangyari. Sobrang daming nagbago. May mga nawala, may mga dumating. Marami rin namang nanatili. Maraming iniyak, actually hinagulgol pa nga. Pero mas marami yung dapat ipagpasalamat. Hay sobrang dami.

Una na dun yung bagong pagtingin sa buhay. Dati ang daming naging tanong at pagdududa sa Kanya, sa mga plano Niya para sakin, sa buhay ko in general. Sobrang bigat ng nakaraang dalawang taon. Hindi ko na nga maalala yung pakiramdam ng masayang pasko at kaarawan. Parang sundot lang nun yung mga masayang alaala. Binalot lang talaga ng kadiliman yung nakaraang dalawang taon. Puro masama at negatibong emosyon lang naramdaman ko. Tapos ngayon, sobra sobrang pasasalamat lang. Hinahanda Niya lang pala kasi ako. Kinailangan kong pagdaanan yun. Ngayon, naiintindihan ko na na kasama yun sa mga plano Niya. Tunay nga na Siya yung nakakaalam ng nararapat para sakin. Gusto Niya lang mangyari yung pinakamakabubuti sakin. Grabe lang talaga yung pagmamahal ni Lord. G r a b e h.

Ang ganda lang tignan ng buhay knowing na lahat ng nangyayari sakin ay plano Niya. Siya na sobra sobra yung pagmamahal para sakin. Nakakasiguro ako na wala Siyang gagawin na ikakasama ko.

Mahirap yung nakaraang buwan. Di naman talaga pwede na puro saya lang eh. Masyado naging masaya yung May at June mula nang makabalik ako sa Kanya. Dumating na naman yung mga pagsubok, yung kupal na demonyo na pilit akong nilalayo. Pero si Lord naman nandiyan lang lagi, sinamahan, sinasamahan at sasamahan ako. Natapos naman ang July na okay ako! Masaya pa nga eh!

Madami pa ring tanong at paminsan ay nagdududa pa rin ako. Pero hindi na ako masyadong nag-aalala, lalo sa mga maliliit na bagay. Sobrang gaan ng buhay kung hindi tayo magpapakastress sa mga walang kwentang bagay eh. Pinipili ko lang ngayon yung mga bagay na binibigyan ko ng pake, oras at pagkastress; kung ano lang yung importante. :)

Pero ngayon, medyo (medyo lang naman) kinakabahan ako. Uuwi na kasi ulit si Daddy. Tapos pa-ber months na naman. Alam nyo naman, PBB season. Pero ayun, walang humpay na pagdarasal lang. Nagtitiwala naman ako na hindi Niya ko papabayaan. Sana hindi na ulit magkadark days. Pero kung oo man, siguradong may dahilan yun. Pero ang kailangan lang, panghawakan ko yung paniniwala ko sa Kanya. Kailangan hindi na ko lumayo ulit. Close lang kami olweiz. Haha.

[mockingjaney]

Do you think love is dependent on time? Is it really possible to fall in love at first sight? How about second? Perhaps, after seeing that person for the third time, yes? Or is it after you get to know the person the fourth time you saw them?

How come it was so easy for you to feel comfortable with that person? To the point that you already shared so much. After, what, two, three nights of talking, you were so vulnerable already. You just want to share your whole life immediately. Maybe, you want to fast forward the getting to know part. You want the person to get to know you already and just get to the part where they accept you whole-heartedly. Or maybe not. But you just want to know now. Maybe you're tired of wasting time on people who will not want you in the end. You just want to take things as fast as you can.

But at the same time, you want to take things slowly. You want to get to know the person more. You just want to talk to them everyday, be with them everyday. You do want to go through the getting to know part as long as it takes. Why? Because you want to be careful. The person is actually important to you already. You don't want to hurt them. You want to make sure of your feelings first. You still have a ghost that haunts you. You're tired of chasing that ghost, yes, but are you sure you don't want that ghost anymore? What if that ghost talk to you again and say they are ready now? That they want to give you a shot. Will you choose the person you just met or the ghost that you've been waiting for?

Love is indeed a choice. It is a process as it is a commitment. Maybe the giddy part of being in love can be acquired the first, second, third, fourth time you met. But choosing the person? It might take a while.

Especially now that you're a bit scared. You thought getting cheated on and being friendzoned did not affect you in any way. Yes, you still have your self-esteem and you did not doubt yourself. You did give your all to both of them, anyway. But you just realize now that you're scared to fall in love again. You have always been a hopeless romantic. Committing to a person only when you're sure you want to be with them for the rest of your life. For you, relationship is a long term thing. Love is never-ending. You don't understand breakups, unless both parties did not stop loving and their love just transformed into the friendly kind. So now, you're scared of choosing to fall in love again. You're not sure if you can still love like that--a love that will never end. Right now, you're just so tired and empty that it seems like you have nothing left to give.

You still have to work on yourself. Rebuild the pieces that were lost because of your ghost before. Get over the pain, get over your romantic feelings for your ghost. You don't want to hurt the person you like now. That's the last thing you want to do.

-----

But hi, person. I just want to let you know that I'll never do anything to hurt you in anyway intentionally. I'm happy I was able to meet you. And I'm happier that I can continue to get to know you still. :) Sorry that I want to see you everyday, I'm clingy like that. Huhu. I'm just not a fan of low maintenance relationships. Huhu. But yeah, of course I'll let you be also. I know you still have a ton of visual aids to prepare for. Haha. Don't be sad about it na, okay? Everything happens for a reason, it wasn't a coincidence that you were put in that position. For sure you'll touch the kids' lives naman. Also, I'm just here to help in any way possible (kahit makinig lang sa rants mo sa mga bata g hahaha). Sorry also if pabebe pa ko, wanting to be "friends" first. I just want to make sure eh. You're the type of person who should be treated the best way possible. So yeah, wait ka lang muna? HAHAHA. Pero ayun, given that I feel like I have nothing left to give, I still want to give you this nothing, whatever is left of me. Sto mo ba yon?

[mockingjaney]

Emotional Rollercoaster

It was fun to experience watching a concert with my sister alone. Though our mum still waited for us so we can go home together, I never thought this could happen given that we grew up getting used to having strict parents. Anyway, I really enjoyed the company of my sister. It was a fun bonding experience for us. :)

I know that attending this concert will be hard for me given that she was the one who introduced me to Lany's songs. She first shared Through These Tears with me saying it was her new favorite song. I know that that time she can relate to it because of her past relationship. And yeah, I think until now she sings that song because of her ex. How ironic it is that now, I sing that song because of her. I also just kept on shouting the part of Super Far saying, "If this is love I don't want it" and yet I also felt, "I can't help myself you're the one I want" in Hurts. Maybe I've really gone crazy because of her. At least I did not cry! Iiwan daw ako ni Janna kung iiyak ako e. Haha.

Wait, of course there are still some good parts about the concert. I just really appreciated Paul's voice and talent. I also loved the audience all pouring their hearts out together. But there's more. There was a good part who wasn't even present in the concert. Someone who stayed with me while waiting for Mabel to be done with her set (haha sorry I don't know her). But yeah, even after Lany started performing, I just want to talk to that person. Idk... It's only been days and yet I feel like I've been talking with her too much. Too much to already feel comfortable and even exhilerated because of her. To be honest, I never thought I can still feel this way because of other people. I was too focused on loving someone who cannot love me back that I already forgot that it's kind of nice to be appreciated as well. It feels good that I don't actually have to force myself. But yeah, I've only seen this person thrice. Haha. And we just started talking last night. It's good to have found a new friend in her. And then maybe, when we've healed all our wounds, we can see where this could go. Chill lang tayo dito. Haha.

[mockingjaney]

I tend to pour my heart out. Whether I just tell stories to my friends or do something I enjoy or maybe even here, when I write. I even tend to pour my heart out to people who don't deserve or don't want it. I don't know why but I just tend to really give my all in everything. I hate having regrets. I don't want the feeling of being blamed as well.

Because of this never-ending pouring out of my heart, I get tired. I don't feel like I'll stop pouring anytime soon but damn I am tired. After hearing Lany's songs and getting stabbed in my heart because of the lyrics, I felt drained. I felt like I've gone through a hundred sleepless nights already. I ask myself, is this the end? I thought I could stay through thick and thin. I never thought I'd say this before but fuck it, I don't want to love you anymore. Broken down, I've had enough, I guess. And if this is love, I don't want it.

[mockingjaney]

How can people be happy knowing that they're hurting someone? Or maybe they just don't know it. Or they just don't care at all. They don't care how miserable the other person will be. In their minds, they already said that they don't love him or her. That they need to pour out his or her love to someone else because they are not worth the other person's time, effort and love given that they cannot reciprocate it. Do they think it's that easy? Or they just really don't care at all.

How can they decide for the other person? How can they dictate if the other person should move on already? How can they put the other person into the painful process of moving on? How can they reject the person who just wants to give them all the love they deserve? How can they not care at all?

Or maybe they do care. Maybe they just want the best for the other person. Sadly, it's not them. They don't want the other person to waste their time, effort and love. They think they are not worth it.

But, do they not realize that the other person's love is wasted more if it will just be suppressed? That for the other person, giving all the love they deserve is already enough for him or her. That the other person doesn't expect anything in return. He or she doesn't want anything from them. The other person just wants to love them. And for the other person, it's already enough. Other person believes that nothing is wasted if it's for the person you love.

[mockingjaney]

How can people say that they want to leave their relationship just because they're not happy anymore? Why is it so easy for some to let go? Especially when everything seems to be not going well in their lives. And it seems like they have no other choice but to let go of the person they "love". They can't compromise their careers, families, friends and even their selves. They say they can't adjust anymore. They are already tired and empty. They've got nothing more to give. And the only thing left under their control is their partner. Their partner who just wants to stay for them, who still got some love to give but wasn't allowed to continue giving. Suddenly, their partner became the negotiable part of their lives. Their partner who was once the most important thing became the dirt that needs to be scraped. The hurt they can no longer take. The fucked up part in their lives that needs to go away.

They say problems are inevitable. And that it will never end in this lifetime, at least. So, instead of being bummed about all the problems you have and will have, you've got to choose the problems worth having. Choose the things worth giving a fuck about. Give a fuck about things that are important to you. Perhaps people who end their relationships just because they're not happy anymore, don't want to give any more fuck about their partner. It was their choice to give a fuck about their careers, families, friends and selves but not about their partner. Their partner stopped to be important for them. It's just not worth the fuck anymore.

They say that, "You will not have time for everything. But you will make time for what is important," so the question for those who stopped "loving" is when. When did their partner become not important? How can they say that they loved the person when they stopped loving? Or maybe their partner wasn't enough for their romantic love anymore. Maybe it's better off for both parties to just be friends. But how can they expect their partner to be friends with them if they left him or her? They were tired and they were empty. Their partner wasn't. Their partner chose to stay with them but they did not let that person do what he or she still can and wants to do. They chose to break their partner's heart. They let the person they "loved" enter the vicious cycle of getting hurt. Their partner needs to move on even if he or she still doesn't want to. Their partner still has some gas left in him or her but they were cruel enough to just throw this gas away. They don't need their partner anymore. Even if they say that they just don't want to be selfish, they just don't want to be a burden for their partner; why should they make the decision for other people? What if the burden of being with them is worth it for their partner? What if leaving their partner will hurt more than staying with him or her given that they've got nothing left to give? What if their partner was willing to wait for them? What if their partner was willing to stay with them until they became okay? Maybe they just really want to leave. And their partner loves them enough to let them go.

[mockingjaney]

Ang daming tanong sa love no? Pero parang walang sagot. Or konti lang? Parang may answers pero for limited people lang. May nadevelop nga kaming theory jan nila Benice at MB, may raffle ata para sa pag-ibig. Naiimagine ko si Lord or someone na naghahandle ng love dito sa mundo, may roleta, bubunot para malaman kung sino yung mga magiging swerte sa pag-ibig. Dapat parehas kayo mabunot para magmatch? Pero ayun, narealize namin na kaya siguro malas pa rin kami sa pag-ibig kasi hindi pa kasama yung pangalan namin sa roleta. Parang makakasali ka lang kung established na yung self-identity at self-worth mo. May sariling meaning ka na at hindi mo na kailangan ng taong kukumpleto sayo. Siguro, yung mga couples na nabubunot sa roleta, sila yung hindi naman kailangan ng ibang tao para sumaya pero dahil nakilala nila yung partner nila, nakita nila na pwede pa pala maging mas masaya. Pipiliin nila maging mas masaya. Sino ba may ayaw nun diba?

Pero ayun, for now, kasali naman ata ako sa roleta ng swerte sa kaibigan. And for now din, enough na yun sakin. Kailangan ko pa rin talaga madevelop yung self-identity ko para makasali sa roleta ng swerte sa pag-ibig. Ewan ko ba, as a highly empathetic person, talagang masaya na ko makita lang yung ibang tao na masaya. Enough na sakin yung makarinig ng love stories, enough na sakin makita na merong pagmamahal sa paligid kahit hindi directed para sakin. Pero sana, kapag dumating na yung araw na makasali na ko sa roleta ng pag-ibig at mabunot na rin ako, sana piliin ko rin maging mas masaya pa kumpara sa saya na meron ako ngayon.

[mockingjaney]

Dear Self,

So diba tatanggapin mo na na mag-isa ka talaga at hindi mo na ieequate yung alone sa lonely. Hindi to drama okay? Hindi to malungkot. Step to para maging okay sa buhay, maging masaya. Pinanganak kang mag-isa, mamamatay kang mag-isa. Bonus or blessing na lang na may gift of family and friends. Pero di ka dapat dumepende or mag-expect sa kanila!!! Dahil nilikha ka nga para mag-isa. Alone meaning you're a separate entity. You're a separate being. Bat ka maglilean on other people or magdedepend diba?

Let this be a reminder for you, self. It's okay to be alone. Spend time with yourself, understand yourself, be more self-aware. Love yourself din! Wag na kasi maging JO lang na Jesus and Others lang. Kailangan mo ng Y (yourself) para mabuo yung JOY diba? :)

I know you feel really thankful for your family and friends. But again, you cannot depend on them. You should have 0 expectations. Be alone with the Lord. Di ka naman iiwan nun. And He'll sure bring peole in your life who can make you happier. Happier yan ah. Kasi nga dapat happy ka on your own. :)

[mockingjaney]

Sulat Para sa Sarili

Sa susunod na ika'y magmamahal

Wag na ulit ipilit kung ano ang bawal

Wag na rin sana piliin yung umaayaw

Dun ka sana sa mamahalin ka araw araw

Buuin mo muna ang iyong sarili

Piliin maging masaya at mawili

Sa mga tao at bagay na nananatili

Kaysa hanapin ang nakalipas na mga sandali

Matuto ka sana maging mag-isa

Hindi mo kailangang dumepende sa iba

Masasaktan ka lang kapag hindi nila mabigay

Ang hinahanap mong pag-ibig at pagdamay

Konting tatag pa, sa sarili mo'y iyong sabihin

Sige lang lakasan pa ang loob at pilitin

Na ipagpatuloy pa ang nasimulang hangarin

Ang sulitin ang buhay na ibinigay Niya sa'tin

Wag na sanang isipin pang mabuting mawala

Dahil hindi rin naman nito mapapakawala

Ang sarili sa lahat lahat ng kalungkutan

Ikaw sana ay manatili at sa buhay ay lumaban

Napakarami pang pagkukuhanan ng pag-ibig

Dun tayo sa mga taong kaya tayong ibigin

Sila na ang nais lamang ay manatili

Sa saya at lungkot natin sila ay kapiling

Ngunit bakit ulit ulitin mo man 'tong lahat

Ang gusto pa rin ng puso mo ay siya?

Lahat ng hapdi at sakit hindi pa ba sapat?

Bakit sa tingin mo sa kanya ka pa rin sasaya?

Para kang tanga na masaktan ang pininipili

Sa lahat ng nangyari, para sayo ay siya pa rin

Sa sakit at kalungkutan nais pang manatili

Bakit hindi mo na lang pilitin na intindihin

Ayaw niya sayo, ayaw niya talaga

Hindi niya magawang sayo ay sumaya

Ang mahalin ka ay hindi niya nga magawa

Pwede bang hayaan mo na nga lang siya?

Pakiusap naman, pwede bang piliin ang sarili

Lahat ng sakit ay hindi na nakabubuti

Sa katawan, sa puso, pati na rin sa isip

Baka naman ang mabuhay ay iyo pang nais

Kaya lumayo ka na sa sakit, sige na naman

Talikuran na, pakiusap, ang pait ng nakaraan

Maaari bang ang sarili mo na ang pagbigyan

Gusto mo rin naman siguro ng kaligayahan

Imbis na sa kanya ay magmakaawa ulit

Ba't di na lang sarili ang paulit ulit mong piliin

Wag nang hanapin kung ano ang makakasakit

Lumayo na tayo, sa sarili ay iyong sabihin

Hanggang dumating ang araw na ayaw mo na

Mangyayari nga kaya na aayaw ka sa kanya?

O baka naman mauubos ka rin nga talaga

Wala nang pag-ibig pa, kahit konti na matitira

Sa ngayon siguro ang sarili na lang ay ubusin

Sa pag-asa at pananatili ika'y mapapagod din

Balang araw siguro ay makikita mo rin

Na hindi mo dapat saktan ang sariling damdamin

Tayo sana ay mapuno pa rin ng pag-asa

Matatapos din lahat at may bagong umaga

'Di naman sa kanya lang nakadepende ang iyong pagsaya

Bigyan mo naman ng pagkakataon ang sarili mo, sana

[mockingjaney]

An Open Letter for Those Who Love Me

Hi! Wala lang. I just wanted to thank you. If you're not aware, I'm going through tough times, for the nth time. I mean, I just got through my dark days eh. As you may know, November to May hindi ako nag-online. I'm sorry for all the unreplied messages. But still, I want to say thank you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for looking for me. Thank you for remembering even if all I wanted to that time was for you to forget me.

June was a rollercoaster ride for me. I was happy I was able to reconnect with you. I was overwhelmed with His love for me that I cannot help but share it to all of you. I'm sorry if I became too noisy; posting too much ig stories, tweeting too much and even sharing a lot on Facebook. I am not yet completely okay. But God pushed me to keep on sharing because He made me realize that this is not about me. It's about Him. Always. Please don't focus your eyes on me. Especially on my twitter page where all I do is rant. Haha. It does not reflect what a Christian should be, the salt and light of the world. For that, I'm sorry. But in a way, I wanted to keep on ranting there. I want you to know that I'm not perfect and I will never be. Not in this lifetime, anyway. I can relate to all the twitter rants and kalat. I have so many flaws. So again, please don't focus on me. Rather, focus your eyes on Him. I know He is working in your life as well. Like what I said in one of my ig stories (I'm not sure if you've seen this, you probably mute me already. Haha.), He has a separate plan for each one of us. No copy pastes. How great is His love for each one of us, no? Pero ayun, I'm working on myself naman. I want to fully heal din and better myself for Him, for you and for myself syempre. Again, I want to be joyful kasi. Sino bang may ayaw nun, diba? E sabi nga sa church, JOY stands for Jesus, Others, Yourself. So there. Last talaga dapat yung sarili kasi sabi sa church, "Our joy quickly disappears if we focus on ourselves. Nothing makes our joy disappear quickly than when you focus on yourself," ayun helpful din for me na ilast yung sarili given that I had self-idolatry nga. But like what my therapist said, "Hindi rin mabubuo yung joy kung wala yung Y diba?" Haha. She wants me kasi to think of myself din.

Anyway, going back to my rollercoaster ride, of course I had my down times. Rollercoaster nga diba. 😅 I'm not sure if this is okay to share... But I've recently realized that my triggers are abandonment and rejection. My therapist thought it was fear of abandonment. But I realized that I actually don't fear it, in a way. You know why? It's because of you. You who keep on staying. You who chooses to make me feel loved and appreciated. You who made me believe that relationships can last. You are the reason why I don't fear abandonment. Because I know you will not abandon me. You stayed through good times and bad times. And for these things and so much more, I am forever grateful for you.

Because of these down times, I have finally come to realize that really, people who want to stay in your life will do everything they can to stay. Sobrang cliche pero sobrang totoo. I want you to stay but if you don't want to anymore, I can't do anything to make you want to stay. Maybe God let me rode this rollercoaster ride to make me realize that I have to let people go. You will not abandon me if I am the one who will let you go first. Makes sense diba? Wais. Haha.

Anyway, again, I want to thank you. Thank you for being exactly what I needed. If I need to open up and share what I've been going through, you are there to listen and advice. If I want to just talk about random things, you help me forget. And if I want to laugh, you send memes and jokes, and you make our conversations lighter.

Thank you, really. I cannot express how thankful I am of you. But what I can promise is that I will try. I will try everyday of my life to show you how grateful I am of you. I will put it into words, time and actions. Sorry wala munang gifts, wala pa kong trabaho. Haha. Basta! When I say I'm just here for you, I really am. One pm away lang ako lagi, I swear.

Thank you again. And yep, I love you. :)

[mockingjaney]

Tonight I managed to not super rant and super share how I feel. Hindi ko rin kasi maintindihan e. Iniyak ko na lang kay Lord. Tapos ayun, at least today I did not immediately sink bank into the fcking dark hole of depression. Achievement to shet. Not today, stupid asshole.

Don’t ever discredit any of your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem to others. Because if it’s a big deal to you, then it’s important to acknowledge that. Even if it’s doing something as simple as going grocery shopping on your own and stopping for lunch afterwards, like I did today, it’s worth being proud of. So what if no one else would understand, so what if no one else sees. Sometimes it’s those small personal achievements, the ones only you and God know about, that mean the most.

Nothing you do is ever insignificant. If it brings you out of your comfort zone, if it’s teaching you to be brave, if it’s taking you closer to reaching your goal, then it’s something to recognize. Even the littlest steps get you somewhere, so don’t give up. Work hard. Take risks. Reward yourself. Celebrate every tiny victory.

[mockingjaney]

1 Peter 5:6-7

GOD’S WORD: Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

MY WORDS: Okay so for me, humbling here means complete dependence on Him. Trust Him and His plans. Cultivate my faith by practicing consistent obedience to the Lord. Why? Because He knows what is best for me. Kahit noon noon pa, alam Niya na kung anong plano Niya sakin. All I have to do everyday is to obey for me to realize that plans. He knows what is best for me. Kaya nga He will lift me up in due time. Due time, friends. Darating din ako sa achievement unlocked levels once magawa ko yung purpose NIya for me. Hindi naman ako nagmamadali dahil hindi naman ako nagmamadali pa mamatay. Haha. Pero ayun, kanya kanyang oras lang talaga depending on His perfect timing for us. And as a sinner, syempre there will be times of testing, times where I will be tempted to worry, baka nga to question HIm pa. Sad to say but been there, done that. But now that I’m diagnosed, I also know how to deal with my anxiety. I can cast it on Him because He cares for me and He loves me. Hindi ko pa alam anong sasabihin sa therapy but for now, what really helps me when my anxiety attacks is praying and listening to worship songs. And I’m really thankful for Him that He indeed can give me peace which transcends all understanding.

I WILL: continue to trust Him and His plans for me. In cases of doubt or worry, I will also continue to cast my anxiety on Him. I will also continue practicing obeying Him. Siya lang din naman makakatulong sakin to fully obey Him so complete dependence is key talaga. :)

[mockingjaney]

Acceptance is key

Okay so a friend asked me hindi ba may disconnect dahil queer ako tapos Christian ako? Napaisip na rin ako na baka nga may iba ring nakakaisip nun. Like share ako nang share about Him tapos bakit ganun queer naman ako.

Una sa lahat, pake nyo ba. HAHAHAHA JOOOOKE. Naiintindihan ko yung pagtataka nyo. Kaya sasagutin ko dito bilang pupunta ko ng pride march bukas.

Okay so una sa lahat, nadaanan ko na yung phase na in denial ako kung sino ba talaga ko. Kasi iniisip ko mali nga. So nahiya ako kay Lord na makasalanan ako dahil queer ako. Napalayo tuloy ako sa Kanya. Eh sabi nga nila sa church, wala daw magandang maidudulot ang paglayo sa Kanya. Nasa retreat ako nun last year, bago magpabaptize, hiyang hiya ako kay Lord. Kasi nga alam kong queer ako tapos hindi ko maipangako sa Kanya na hindi na ko magiging queer. At hindi ko na kukulitin yung taong gusto ko at that time. Ayoko rin naman ipromise tapos hindi ko rin tutuparin. Lala naman kung pati si Lord, lolokohin ko pa. Dun nagsimula yung struggle ko sa relationship namin ni Lord. Kumbaga, naging on the rocks na kami.

When I started feeling better, kinausap ko na Siya. Pinagdasal ko talaga. "anuna Lord bat ba ko naging ganito" tapos narealize ko na ibang "sin" kasi yung homosexuality? I mean ok diba yung mga magnanakaw, pinili nila magnakaw eh. Kahit pa sabihin natin na gutom na gutom na kasi sila, parang ang dami pang ibang paraan? Unlike homosexuality, pinili ko ba to? Gurl sobrang hindi hahaha. Tagal ko ngang in denial jusko.

Tsaka ang tingin kong mga naging kasalanan ko nung nagkajowa ako, nagsinungaling ako kay mommy nang paulit ulit ulit. Kaya nga bago pa ko mag-enter ng bagong relationship (kung girl man ulit) dapat mag-out na muna ko kay mame. Waah. Pero ayun.

Sooooo in conclusion, I needed to accept myself first before I can even think na He accepts me too. He loves me kahit ano pa ko eh. I don't need to go away from Him just because of this. At kung bawal daw gamiting free pass to sin ang fact na nabayaran na ni Jesus ang mga kasalanan at magiging kasalanan pa natin sa pamamagitan ng krus, baka pwede itong maging exception to the rule?

Char idk. Basta love Niya ko!!! His love for me will never fail. It will never stop regardless of whom I love. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜