mmjinkies

[mmjinkies]

i mourn your death and the next day i celebrate your birthday. do you know how unfair that is? how cruel of a reminder that you will never age?

[mmjinkies]

anyway spin the wheel from arcane is easily one of the saddest songs

[mmjinkies]

mindless rambling. tw for talk of death and suicide under the cut

everything is so weird yall. the whole cycle of it all, life and death. just different stages of a development. the only thing is it’s a terrifying fucking development. the mind can’t grasp what an eternity could be like so the thought of an eternity anywhere makes me feel a type of fear i’ve never felt before; rapid, burning, mind-boggling. a fear so intense i need to force myself to stop thinking about it lest tears form.

i think about death a lot. my brother killed himself five years ago and that in itself is something you can never shake. you have to just stop thinking or else you’ll lose your mind asking why. no one will ever know. he’s not here to tell us, and we aren’t him so we can’t comprehend what he was thinking. but he is dead. so i think about death a lot. specifically the length, but also what happens after. is there really a god? and if there is, then which one? do they all exist? maybe none exist. maybe death is literally just the end. i never really liked endings. but i don’t know how i feel about eternity. maybe there’s a happy medium somewhere.

my brothers birthday is coming up. he took his life about two days before his 16th birthday (talk about a sweet 16), so ive been pondering it all. how life is, how life could’ve been. when he died everything got worse. it’s hard to care about living when someone you love dies thinking you didn’t love them. as selfish as it is, i think the guilt might be one of the worst parts. i don’t want to move on from the unfathomable grief and i don’t want it to get more tolerable because why should i be able to do that? why do i get the choice to keep going when he doesn’t? it feels wrong to reach a milestone that he hasn’t because he can’t and he never will. my older brother is stuck at 15 and i don’t want to ever feel any less angry and devastated about it than i did when i first found out.

i don’t really know the point of this. my thoughts are messy sometimes and i just felt like writing something. maybe someone will relate, maybe they won’t. that’s okay;

[mmjinkies]

i just saw the most beautiful art on tiktok of bloodhound and fuse doing the dance that Stoic and Valka do in httyd 2 and i am unwell. its literally so cute

[mmjinkies]

i may be broke but i am also the proud owner of wattsons heirloom😜

[mmjinkies]

every year i think that my seasonal depression won’t actually be that bad, and every year i am proven horrifically wrong.

[mmjinkies]

apex is easily the scariest game i have ever played. does anyone want to play it with me :’)

[mmjinkies]

i HATE watching tiktok’s abt apex bc why are they all so good? why are wattson mains so good at the game? how are they doing that good consistently? i think im pretty okay at the game and then i get a video abt apex and i realize im not good at the game at all :’)

[mmjinkies]

i hate spending so much money just to get an apex skin but they’re so cute i simply can’t not

[mmjinkies]

i hate that grief is never-ending. like wdym they’re dead? i’ll never see them again and im supposed to just live with that for the rest of my life?