mlistories - Tumblr blog

[mlistories]

Ow, my heart...

Boy 1: Do you come here every day?

Boy 2: Yeah.

Boy 1: I only come here sometimes, cause my X Box calls me home.

Boy 2, whispering: This place is better than an X Box...

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I'm a librarian because I'm really passionate about correcting groups of middle school boys on who the world's fastest rapper is.

What my resume/cover letter should actually start with, probably.

[mlistories]

Feminism

9 Year Old Girl: "Wait, Miss. So, is your husband Mr. Emily?"

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1) Agree, 2) Yes AND, 3) Make Statements, 4) There are No Mistakes

10 Year Old Boy, while we're drawing dinosaurs together: Miss Emily, Imma get my PhD.

Me: That's great!

Him, in despair: Oh no, but I can't ever be a doctor, because someone already ruined my life.

Me: Who?

Him, eyes widening: You know who.

[He means his 7 year old brother]

Me: Oh, what did he do?

Him: He ruined my reputation! He said I can't cook but I can!

Me: That's awful! I'm sure you're a great cook. What do you like to cook?

Him: Chineeeeeeeese food.

Being a children's librarian is basically like babysitting a dozen drunk friends at a time, while simultaneously participating in an improv comedy workshop.

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Miss... Do you have any glitter? How do you write about multiplying fractions? Wait, what is a fraction? What time is it? Do you want a taki? Can I have more time on the computer? What is transexuality? What is an orgasm? Why did that girl have her legs behind her head? Have you seen Five Nights at Freddy's? Do you have a copy of Jack and the Beanstalk? What is Meghan Trainor's favorite color? How do you spell December? What's the state flower of Vermont?

All the kids, all the time, all at once. My library degree prepared me to answer literally none of those questions. Not even the one about Jack and the Beanstalk, really.

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4 Year Old Girl: I had a peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich yesterday.

Me: Oh man, so did I! That's one of my favorite sandwiches!

4 Year Old Girl: ::thumbs up::

Sandwich soul mates.

[mlistories]

Teenage Kicks

Me: So, how do you feel about One Direction?

Teen girl: Zayn left, it's so weird.

Me: Yeah, I guess they're kind of going in...two directions now, huh?

Teen girl: Miss, I feel bad for you.

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And they all lived happily ever after

At the Children's Performers Showcase and there's a guy teaching the mechanics of story writing, so he asks for suggestions for how to start a story.

Kid 1: "Five words. Once. Upon. A. Time."

Kid 2: "THAT'S THREE WORDS."

[mlistories]

One of my favorite things about kids is that you can ask them things like "On a scale of 1 to 10, how into dragons are you?" when running a reader's advisory session and you can get a really straightforward, unironic answer like "Probably like 7."

[mlistories]

Kiss, Marry, Kill

I got pulled into a game of Kiss Marry Kill with a group of tween girls the other day and mostly the options were pretty abysmal (Chris Brown, Fetty Wap, Drake) but this was a gem -

11 Year Old Girl: Okay, so first, I would kiss Justin Bieber. Then, I would marry Justin Bieber. And then, I would kill Justin Bieber.

[mlistories]

Immortal Ursines

10 Year Old Girl, apropos of nothing: "Miss Emily, I hope you never die. I want you to be immortal. Like Voldemort. Or a bear. You're so fetch."

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Miss Emily knows everything - she knows your library card number, she knows your mom's phone number, and she's known it since the time of dinosaurs. She was born a wolf, but then she became a baby wolf, and then a werewolf, and that's why she had to cut her hair. It got too long and people got suspicious. But she's also a cat. A werecat.

One elementary school boy to another today after I threatened to call someone's mother to come get them.

I had no idea my origin story was so ancient and lunar!

[mlistories]

Vote early, vote Demogorgon

11 Year Old Girl, explaining her campaign for class president and the election process: "Well for 5th grade class president, we have a demonic election - wait, no. A democratic election."

Probably right the first time. 5th graders are tough.

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Ghosts of Unisex Named People Past

12 Year Old Girl: I like unisex names. Like Jordan and Alex.

Me: Yeah, same. Did you know that Ashley used to be a common name for boys, too? Like back in the 1700s and 1800s.

12 Year Old Girl, whispering: Are they dead?

[mlistories]

Zombie, Zombie

"Zombies Don't Fart," and Other Surprising Facts Shared by the Children of My Library: A Memoir, by Emily Grace

[mlistories]

Hispanic Heritage Month

Teen Girl: Miss, what should I wear tomorrow? Jeans or sweatpants?

Me: Sweatpants, so you can eat lots of tostadas and not be restricted.

Her: Will you wear sweatpants, too?

Me: Uh, probably not. I don't think I can, unfortunately.

Her: Business casual, Miss! Business casual!

Apparently one of us doesn't have the best grip on what defines "business casual," but I'm not sure which one.

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Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Definitely just got shushed by a seven year old kid at the library. Like, full-on, finger-to-lips, across-the-room shushed.