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#1 - Detroit Tigers

City: Detroit: The coolest fucking place on earth. Seriously, let me give you a little bit of a rundown.  This is the place that created the middle class in America, the place that voted for George W. Bush and Donald Trump the least of any major city in America. Home to Motown Records, Judge Larry D. Williams of Tyvek, the Heidelberg Project, the Penobscot Building, Diego Rivera’s Detroit Industry, Coleman A. Young, the League of Revolutionary Black Workers, square deep dish pizza, Vernors Ginger Ale and Faygo Rock and Rye, the Buck Dinner, Nemo's and the Hadituptoheres. Anthony Bordain said it best: “It’s where nearly everything American and great came from.”

Cool Historical Figures: Ty Cobb, Hughie Jennings, Harry Heilmann, Charlie Gehringer, Hank Greenberg, Schoolboy Rowe, Hal Newhouser, Al Kaline, Norm Cash, Ernie Harwell, Bill Freehan, Mickey Lolich, Gates Brown, Willie Horton, Ron LeFlore, Mark Fidrych, Alan Trammell, Lou Whitaker, Kirk Gibson, Bobby Higginson, Deivi Cruz, Miguel Cabrera, Víctor Martínez, José Iglesias, Daniel Norris & Michael Fulmer.

Lame Historical Figures: Walter Briggs (but Ty Cobb, Denny McClain, Bobby Higginson and Justin Verlander were all pretty close).

Stadium: Above Average. The best thing about Comerica Park is the gigantic outfield. It makes for lots of triples (the most exciting play in baseball) and can lead to some spectacular plays in center field.  The view of the city’s pretty great too, especially the Robert Wyland mural on the north side of Broderick Tower. The fact that you can watch part of a game for free from the sidewalk in the outfield is pretty solid too. The lack of bleacher culture is a real bummer though, as the Tigers’ old home was home to such wild behavior in the bleachers that ticket holders to that section were literally fenced in and could not leave the bleachers until after the 7th inning.

Uniform: The Best. With one exception in the year 1960, the Tigers have not changed their home jersey in any meaningful way sine the early 1930′s. And why would they? It’s simple, sleek and classy as hell. It’s like the Yankees’ uniform without the stupid pin-stripes. And today’s road jerseys are equally classy, using the orange trim without overpowering the navy blue. The Tigers have only made one uniform mistake in the modern era, a poor cap and piping scheme in the mid-1990′s that was rectified after only four years. And I love that the Old English D on the jersey is not the same as the one on the cap. Best of all, no alternate jerseys.

Broadcasters: Mixed Bag. Dan Dickerson is a real great mix of game calling and philosophizing about the game, and the conversation between he and Jim Price is easy most of the time, unless the Tigers’ season is shot, in which case Jim Price becomes unbearable. I mean, he’s sort of unbearable to begin with, but you put up with him to get Dickerson. Once the team’s losing, the personal stories and inside jokes get ramped up and you just want to tell him it’s time to retire. 

Ownership: Poor. Sorry to shit on Mike Ilitch right after he dies, but the dude was a slum-lord. And the club has had a long history of jerks in ownership. Before Ilitch, the Tigers were owned by Tom Monaghan, who used his money to build a town in Florida where he tried to ban the sale of contraceptives. Frank Navin spent money to tear down the existing stadium and built a new one on the same lot, naming it after himself, despite not wanting to pay players worth a damn. And the worst of the bunch, Walter Briggs who paid his automobile manufacturing employees a fraction of what Ford paid and whose company was a frequent target of UAW action. He kept the team all white until late into the 1950′s, which not only is despicable, but of course made the team totally non-competitive, averaging 24 games out of first in the 1950′s.

Intangibles: Slightly below average. Points deducted for being the last team to have an African American player on its roster. Points deducted for For Love of The Game. Especially since they cast Vin Scully as the broadcaster instead of Tiger’s legend Ernie Harwell. Then they had the audacity to cast Steve Lyons as Vin Scully’s color man... ugh. Points awarded for Bobby Higginson’s 1996 Score card and also for that drunk guy I saw climb onto the roof of the old Tiger Stadium in 1999. Hope he didn’t get hurt.

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#2 - Pittsburgh Pirates

City: Pittsburgh. I really like Pittsburgh. Nice town, nice hills, nice rivers, nice bridges. And yet it’s still hard scrabble enough to not seem too pleasant for my tastes. Extra points awarded for Braddock, PA.

Cool Historical Figures: Honus Wagner, Pie Traynor, Arky Vaughn, Ralph Kiner, Danny Murtaugh, Dick Groat, Roberto Clemente, Bill Mazeroski, Harvey Haddix, Willie Stargell, Many Mota, Steve Blass, Dock Ellis, Al Oliver, Manny Sanguillén, Dave Parker, Kent Tekulve, Andy Van Slyke, Jim Leyland, Andrew McCutchen, Starling Marte & Gerrit Cole, 

Lame Historical Figures: None (Even Barry Bonds wasn’t that bad in a Pirates’ uniform.)

Stadium: The Best. Maybe the yellow bridges are what put PNC Park over the top, but it’s a real humdinger. The bridges, the river and the shrubbery all make for a heck of a view, the 21 foot tall wall in right field is a fantastic way to honor the franchise’s greatest, and arguably the game’s, greatest figure. The left field bleachers are great, and the fans are really really knowledgable and polite. They don’t even walk down the aisles during play. And I’m a sucker for Primanti Brothers, mainly for the coleslaw. 

Uniform: Great. The current home and away uniform’s are perfect. Crisp white with black and yellow text looks great, and the lettering is really classic too. Historically it’s a mixed bag. They pulled off some amazing feats, like sleeveless uniforms in the 1960′s and the yellow caps of the early 1970′s. But the pillbox hats, the grey caps of the late 1990′s, the all yellow uniforms were disasters. Today’s camouflage alternate is even worse than the Padres’ version. 

Broadcasters: Weak. Greg Brown is not cool. The Pirates themed calls are unbearable. 

Intangibles: Above average. The Pirates were not the first team to integrate, but were the first team to offer a starting line up that was made entirely of Black and Latino players, in 1971. They were also the first team to broadcast games on the radio, which is how baseball is meant to be broadcasted. Also, having the same colors as the city’s flag (along with the other major professional sports teams in town) is a great nod to civic pride. And finally, you just can beat Bill Mazeroski’s home run. 

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 #3 - Baltimore Orioles

City: Baltimore. Okay, admittedly I had a minor mental breakdown one of the two times I’ve been to Baltimore, but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with my truly heroic intake of Utz Crab Chips and Natty Bo that evening. Admittedly, the Boh probably didn’t help. But I’ve had a soft spot for Baltimore ever since my mom and dad exposed me to the TV show Homicide as a teenager. That led me to David Simon’s books and of course later, The Wire. I also really just like the history around Baltimore. It feels like one of the truly unique American cities, in the same way that New Orleans does. 

Cool Historical Figures: Brooks Robinson, Hoyt Wilhelm, Boog Powel, Dave McNally, Luis Aparicio, Paul Blair, Davey Johnson, Curt Blefary, Jim Palmer, Frank Robinson, Moe Drabowsky, Earl Weaver, Mike Cuellar, Mike Flanagan, Eddie Murray, Cal Ripken Jr., Brady Anderson, Adam Jones, Buck Showalter, J.J. Hardy, Darren O'Day & Manny Muchado.

Stadium: Good. It’s a bit overrated, in part because I think people don’t really know how small it is. It’s crazy. I went to a game there and kept thinking “Why is the right fielder playing right behind the second baseman?” The design of the exterior is great and they do serve Oriole themed cans of Natty Boh.

Uniform: Fantastic. If the Giants made orange and black work, the Orioles took it one step further. First off, it needs to be said that the cartoon bird is the best logo in professional sports. The script on the chest is great; the Maryland patch on the sleeve is great. They make a black hat with an orange brim work so well that it almost seems necessary. They even sort of pull off a black hat with an orange brim and a white front panel. Sort of. I mean it’s ugly, but it sounds worse on paper than it actually is. 

Broadcasters: Good. I like listening to Joe Angel and his incredibly proper pronunciation of Latino players’ names. I like listening to Fred Manfra and his lack of personality. 

Ownership: The Best. Peter Angelos grew up in Highlandtown, a blue-collar neighborhood in East Baltimore, and made a name for himself as a labor lawyer, which is about the greatest career as you can have if you have to wear a tie to work regularly. He refused to sign an owners document blaming the players for the strike in 1994 and refused to use replacement players in 1995. Angelos arranged for the Orioles to play two exhibition games against Cuban teams in 1999 and reports are that he anonymously donated $300,000 to keep Baltimore city pools open in the summer of 2010. His son, who is the team’s Chief Operating Officer wrote a passionate defense of protesters in Baltimore after the death of Freddie Gray, after the team canceled a game during those protests. 

Intangibles: Above average. They’re well covered in the pop culture department; The Gus Triandos reference in The Wire, the Veep episode with Selina meeting the Orioles at Camden, the Seinfeld where Elaine wears an Orioles cap at Yankee Stadium. I will say that the playing of John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” during the seventh inning stretch is a bit of a bummer, since Baltimore is 63% African American.

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#4 - San Francisco Giants

City: San Francisco. My older sister lived in San Francisco while I was in high school in the midwest, so I of course think it’s cool. Sure, you may associate it with Google, Twitter and Uber, but I think of it as MRR, City Lights and burritos in the Mission.

Cool Historical Figures: Mell Ott, Sal Maglie, Bobby Thompson, Monte Irvin, Willie Mays, Dusty Rhodes, Orlando Cepeda, Felipe Alou, Willie McCovey, Juan Marichal, Will Clark, J.T. Snow, Brian Wilson, Bruce Bochy, Tim Lincecum, Buster Posey & Madison Bumgarner.

Lame Historical Figures: Barry Bonds.

Stadium: Well Above Average. The right field wall that lets out onto McCovey Cove creates a  great looking view. The center field scoreboard is great and for some reason even the giant glove and Coca-Cola bottle in left don’t bother me that much. I also love that they have bullpens in foul territory and love even more that they have them in foul territory because they forgot to design for them being in the outfield like most new parks. 

Uniform: Wonderful. The Giants have a great home jersey, a great road jersey and at least one alternate jersey that’s not stupid (the road jersey with the interlocking SF on the left chest). That’s a pretty good record. You can forgive the black and orange alternates, because those colors look so good together on the cap that it’s probably is tempting to wear them on a jersey. I mean, they look stupid, but I understand why they tried it. Plus, historically, they’ve rarely had bad looking jerseys, except for 1979-1982.

Broadcasters: Great. Listening to John Miller is great and listening to John Miller without Joe Morgan is even better. 

Intangibles: Slightly below average. For a team with such a rich history, they generally take themselves too seriously to have a lot of cool intangibles. And when they haven’t, it’s actually worse. First, they have an annual Metallica night and then here’s Crazy Crab. I know he was supposed to be an “anti-mascot” but c’mon. He sucked either way.

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#5 - Minnesota Twins

City: Minneapolis. What a great city. I think after global warming puts a real cramp in Winter’s style, I’d like to retire to Minneapolis. I can see it now, taking the bike highway down to Uptown and running into Paul Westerberg. Walking up and down Nicollet listening to a cassette tape of the Rivethead discography, looking for mock duck at a Vietnamese place. Crossing the Grain Belt Bridge and keeping an eye out for all of the other Hold Steady references. And all the while, everybody’d be so nice to me. Side note, despite having visited Minneapolis probably twenty times, I’ve only set foot in St. Paul once, to see Twins fan Dave Strait at work. 

Cool Historical Figures: Harmon Killebrew, Jim Kaat, Tony Oliva, Rod Carew, Kent Hrbek, Gary Gaetti, Bert Blyleven, Tom Kelly, Frank Viola, Kirby Puckett, Torii Hunter, Johan Santana, Ron Gardenhire, Joe Mauer, Nick Punto, Francisco Liriano, & Delmon Young.

Stadium: Overlooked. The second best ballpark in baseball. Beautiful park in every way. From the little touches like the local limestone walls to the huge "Minnie and Paul" logo out in center field. And you have to respect an open air stadium in Minnesota. 

Uniform: Improving. They waited until the 1980′s to put “Minnesota” on the road jerseys, the waited until 2009 to drop the pinstripes (which they even wore on their road jerseys), and now all they’ve got to do is lose the red brims on the road cap and the gold trim and they’ll be all set. The TC logo on the hat is classy.

Intangibles: Well above average. The thing I like most about the Twins is that they know they’re a small market team. They’ve got Twingo and back when I used to go to the Metrodome they had an actual game where you bounced a ball off the turf from the upper deck and tried to land it in the bed of a truck. They just don’t mind coming off as a minor league team that somehow snuck into the majors. Also, Minnesota just has such cool baseball culture including, but not limited to, Townball. Also, Jacque Jones. Also, Boof Bonser. 

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#6 - New York Mets

City: New York. As I mentioned earlier, I associate the Mets with Queens Brooklyn, or as I like to call them, the cool parts of New York. Sure there are some pretty obnoxious parts of Brooklyn these days, but remember, the Mets play in Queens, right behind the Iron Triangle. 

Cool Historical Figures: Casey Stengel, Yogi Berra, Tom Seaver, Mookie Wilson, Doc Gooden, David Wright, R.A. Dickey, Matt Harvey, Bartolo Colon, Curtis Granderson, Jacob deGrom, Noah Syndergaard & Yoenis Céspedes.

Lame Historical Figures: Mike Piazza.

Stadium: Good. I like Citi Field. The exterior's nod to Ebbets Field is a nice touch and they’ve got a nice looking new version of the home run apple. I also think painting the foul poles orange is a great move.

Uniform: Not that great. I love the idea of having the Mets colors represent the history of the Giants and Dodgers, but it doesn’t always work out that great. The caps are great, and the lettering on the road uniforms is classic. The racing stripes of the 1980s, the blue jerseys and any time they tried to incorporate black into the uniform all kind of stunk. Great logo on the sleeve, though.

Broadcasters: Fantastically Awkward. Hearing Josh Lewin call a game on the radio is sort of difficult. It’s like sitting next to your nerdy cousin at a ballgame. He drops these awfully convoluted Seinfeld references into the broadcast in a way where you know he spent all night working on them and really thinks he’s cool. It’s awful, but you love him anyways.

Intangibles: Adorable. Playing second fiddle to the Yankees in your own town is pretty endearing, as was the Mets 1969 World Series team. The 1986 team however...

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#7 - Cleveland Indians

City: Cleveland. What a great town. Don’t agree? Well, then let me ask you: Have you ever been to the Westside Market? Have you had a meal at the Happy Dog? Seen Glenn Schwartz play at Hooples? Shopped at Sweet Lorain? Walked across the Guardians of Traffic bridge? Gotten black out drunk at Now That’s Class? If you answered no to any of these questions, then don’t you dare talk shit about Cleveland. 

Cool Historical Figures: Ray Chapman, Lou Boudrea, Bob Feller, Bob Lemon, Larry Doby, Satchel Paige, Herb Score, Rocky Colovito, Joe Charbenau, Sandy Alomar, Jim Thome, Kenny Lofton, Omar Vizquel, Bartolo Colon, C.C. Sabathia, Grady Seizmore, Michael Brantley & Yan Gomes.

Lame Historical Figures: Albert Belle.

Stadium: Great. I really like this park. The huge left field wall is a nice touch and they have ample bleacher seating. It’s right downtown and has great veggie dogs.

Uniform: Fine. The uniform, minus the arm patches of course, are one of the best red white and blue uniforms, and the script lettering on the home jersey is a modern classic. I’ll be glad to see the cream uniforms get the axe this year, and the red hats should go with them, in my opinion. Speaking of things that should get the axe...

Intangibles: The absolute worst. I am having a hard time knowing what to write about Chief Wahoo without losing my mind. Sorry, but Major League doesn’t cancel that out. Ten Cent Beer Night doesn’t cancel that out. Being the first American League team to break the color line, or the first team with an African-American manager, doesn’t cancel that out. Seriously, nothing cancels out that logo, or the name for that matter. Fuck that shit. 

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#8 - Seattle Mariners

City: Seattle. I like Seattle. As the only city in the Pacific Northwest with a baseball team, Seattle’s least cool features (insane housing market, lack of diversity) have to be taken into account along with how cool the PNW is as a whole. And hey, at least it’s not Portland. In addition to a beautiful landscape, Seattle has a really great Asian mega-market, Garfield High School, Gas Works Park and maybe most importantly for baseball fans is Ebbets Field Flannels. 

Cool Historical Figures: Dave Neihaus, Edgar Martinez, Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, Joey Cora, Jamie Moyer, Ichiro Suzuki, Felix Hernandez & Hisashi Iwakuma.

Lame Historical Figures: None.

Stadium: Fine. But it’s not as cool as you think it is.

Uniform: Great. I think the key to having “modern” colors in your uniform is to use the “modern” color sparingly. The Mariners did that with the teal, and did it well, by pairing with the navy. Also, I have always loved the compass rose logo. 

Intangibles: Well above average. The Mariners seem like they have fun. They have the best ad campaigns of any baseball team, and they were willing to embrace the history of the failed Seattle Pilots, which takes a bit of humility. They had a “Salute to Sriracha” night at the ball park, have great garlic fries and even clam chowder at the ballpark. Plus even A-Rod wasn’t that bad when he was a Mariner. That’s the sign of a fun ball team.  

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#9 - Oakland Athletics

City: Oakland. What a great town. First of all, Oakland has been a hot bed for radical political activity since at least as far back as the Black Panther Party’s founding in the mid 1960′s, coincidentally about the time that the A’s arrived from Kansas City. Seriously, the New York Times Magazine recently called Oakland “The Last Refuge of Radical America.” Also, the population’s diverse, the food is great, the lake is cool and pretty much the entire East Bay is wonderful. Don’t move to San Jose.

Cool Historical Figures: Connie Mack, Charlie Finley, Rollie Fingers, Vida Blue, Ricky Henderson, Bary Zito, Eric Sogard, Coco Crisp & Sean Doolittle.

Lame Historical Figures: Jose Canseco & Mark McGwire.

Stadium: Terrible. What a dump. A concrete prison for baseball fans. 

Uniform: Pretty Cool. I give Charlie Finley credit for being bold and changing the team’s colors to green and yellow. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The more simple they keep it, the better it works, even the green hat with yellow brim is pretty inoffensive, and generally I feel like the hat and the brim should be the same color. The yellow alternate jerseys however...

Intangibles: Great. First of all, Oakland A’s fans are weirdos. Just take for example the way they responded to Josh Reddick’s walk up music, “Careless Whisper” by Wham! Also, Moneyball was a fine film. The history in Oakland is fun too. In the 1970′s Charlie Finley paid bonuses to players who grew moustaches.  Probably most importantly, Finley hired an eleven year old MC Hammer to be his clubhouse informant / bat boy. 

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#10 - Boston Red Sox

City: Boston. I haven’t spent a lot of time there, but it seems pretty cool. Not in a tough-guy Irish kind of way, but a tough-guy Irish and a bunch of interesting colleges and a big Chinese population and a cool punk scene kind of way.

Cool Historical Figures: Ted Williams, Dom DiMaggio, Johnny Pesky, Carl Yastrzemski, Bill Lee, Tim Wakefield, Pedro Martinez, Doug Mirabelli, David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroria, Terry Francona & Koji Uehara

Lame Historical Figures: Roger Clemens & Curt Schilling.

Stadium: Great. It’s the only great stadium I’ve never visited, and despite the way that its insane dimensions affect the game, I’m pretty sure I’d love it. 

Uniform: Solid. Red, White & Blue. I will say, I always thought the block letter road uniforms of 1960′s and 1980′s looked great. At a minimum, the lettering on today’s road jersey should be blue and not red. And though on paper the red caps with blue bills looked terrible, Bill Lee somehow made them look cool in the 1970′s when he was yelling at Dom Zimmer.  

Intangibles: Slightly below average. Points awarded for the scene with Kevin Costner kidnaps James Earl Jones to take him to Fenway Park in Field of Dreams. Points deducted for being one of the last teams to integrate. Points awarded for a cool fan-base before 2005. Points deducted for that same fan base since 2005. 

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#11 - Chicago Cubs

City: Chicago. As mentioned earlier, the city of Chicago is overrated as a whole. And despite the terrible segregation of the city, I do have to admit that all of the cool record stores that I’ve ever been to are on the North Side, as was the Fireside Bowl. 

Cool Historical Figures: Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers, Frank Chance, Harry Carry & Ernie Banks. 

Lame Historical Figures: Joe Maddon (Cubs era).

Stadium: Fantastic. Far and away the best thing about the Cubs. Bill Murray’s description of seeing Wrigley Field for the first time sums it up pretty well: “It was like I was a blind man made to see. It was something.”

Uniform: Great. One of the few teams that can pull of pinstripes and a great road jersey. Also, when the other teams were going with powder blue pullovers, the Cubs went with a navy blue pullover that matched their colors and looked great compared to just about anything else of that style. I just wish they had never had the hats with the red brims. 

Ownership: Bad. Ted Cruz-look alike Tom Ricketts is not only a rich kid who bought the team and immediately started making strides to “modernize” Wrigley Field  (a beautiful ball park that thrived on its lack of modern comforts) but he also gave a ton of money to the Trump campaign.  

Intangibles: Well Below Average. Bill Murray is cancelled out by every other Cubs fan ever. Seriously, a bunch of white dudes who can afford to take the day off to go to afternoon games and who terrorized Steve Bartman? Fuck them. 

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#12 - Los Angeles Dodgers

City: Los Angeles. I know everybody hates LA, and that is the end of that sentence.

Cool Historical Figures: Leo Durocher, Red Barber, Pee Wee Reese, Branch Rickey, Jackie Robison, Duke Snider, Roy Campanella, Vin Scully, Tommy Lasorda, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, Maury Wills, Fernando Valenzuela & Clayton Kershaw.

Lame Historical Figures: Walter O’Malley.

Stadium: Troubling. The stadium itself is really nice, and a unique piece of baseball history as it’s the only surviving stadium from the 1960′s that looks good. The issues is the terrible history of the stadium that involves the city of Los Angeles using eminent domain and some seriously shady tactics to clear the land of a planned public housing development as well as and impoverished Mexican-Americans community.

Uniform: Classic. I really have always liked the red numbers on the right side of the jersey. Also, big points for consistency, as they’ve basically had the same home jersey since 1950. 

Broadcasters: The Best. Vin Scully for President. 

Intangibles: Pretty Historic. Well, let’s see? There’s the breaking of the color line in baseball, the breaking of Brooklyn’s collective heart, and the breaking of Dennis Eckersley’s ego. I’d say it’s overall a positive. And the Dodgers episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm helped vindicate a man wrongfully accused of murder.

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#13 - Washington Nationals

City: Washington. The site of many people marching to tell the U.S. government to fuck off. I’m cool with that. 

Cool Historical Figures: Frank Robinson.

Lame Historical Figures: Bryce Harper.

Stadium: Fine. Nothing special, but seriously with really new ballparks, not having something really stupid is a victory in and of itself.

Uniform: Slightly Above Average. If you didn’t expect Red, White & Blue for this team, you have a screw loose. I appreciate that they didn’t over do the potentially horrendous looking stars-and-stripes. 

Intangibles: Great. It’s not Washington’s fault that the league allowed the Montreal Expos to be moved to Washington, and Washington does deserve as baseball team. Specifically, I think they deserve a terrible Washington Senators, but if I can’t have that I’ll take the Nationals. 

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#14 - Kansas City Royals

City: Kansas City. Like St. Louis, it was probably cool 80 years ago, but maybe a bit cooler, because of Charlie Parker.

Cool Historical Figures: George Brett (Pine Tar Incident only), Dan Quisenberry.

Stadium: Nice. Probably the only nice ball park built in the 1970′s. Other than being symmetrical, this is a sharp looking ballpark. The fountains are classics and the big Royal’s logo scoreboard is pretty sleek. The renovations in 2006 were a nice touch. 

Uniform: Average. Again, with the name Royals, the combination of Royal Blue and gold trim is a no brainer. Which really makes you question why they went with the powder blue uniforms all the way until 1991? They even wear it as an alternate still today. Why? Also, they are one of the many teams to not pull off sleeveless jerseys. 

Broadcasters: Cool. Denny Matthews dry wit is a treat. If only someone would do something about his bad case of dry mouth. 

Intangibles: Solid. Kansas City is the smallest market in Major League Baseball, and they certainly play second fiddle in their own state to the Cardinals. Lots of points for being the underdog. I could do with out that terrifying crown-headed lion mascot though. 

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#15 - St. Louis Cardinals 

City: St. Louis. I’ve been there once and it was okay. Seems like a place that hasn’t actually been cool since like 1935. 

Cool Historical Figures: Dizzy Dean (and Daffy Dean), Stan Musial, Curt Flood, Bob Gibson (especially for telling Tim McCarver “The only thing you know about pitching is that it’s hard to hit.”), Lou Brock & Ozzie Smith.

Lame Historical Figures: Tim McCarver & Joe Buck.

Stadium: Middle of the pack. Seems fine. The arch in the background is cool. The McDonalds “Big Mac Land” section in the outfield, which combines the history of steroid user Mark McGwire and terrible food, is kind of a bummer.

Uniform: Great. Amongst the best in the league, the birds on a bat logo across the chest has often been copied but never been duplicated. They are one of the few teams that pulled off the powder blue uniforms well in the 1970′s and 1980′s and the navy blue hats were fantastic looking. They should bring those back. 

Intangibles: Bad. They just feel like the Yankees of the National League to me. 

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#16 - Milwaukee Brewers

City: Milwaukee. A great rustbelt town that gave us the world’s greatest beer, Miller High Life and the world’s greatest beer spokesdog, Red Dog. I’ve never seen any other fan base tailgate for a Monday night game in June, but I once drank a bag of wine under a bridge with some Brewers fan in that very situation.

Cool Historical Figures: Bob Uecker, Paul Molitor & Prince Fielder.

Lame Historical Figures: Bud Selig & Ryan Braun.

Stadium: Terrible. I really wanted to like this ball park, but its a monstrosity. Four (maybe five) decks worth of seats, obstructed views, a fan shaped retractable dome, those walls of windows in the outfield. It all just stinks. It seems like a lot of bad ideas all in one. At least they have the sense of humor to call the obstructed view seats “Uecker Seats” and the good sense to sell them for $1 on game day. 

Uniform: Mixed bag. They’ve got great colors and in the 1980′s had one of the best cap logos in baseball, but current jerseys are pretty plain, and the team has made some bad choices over the years, including the powder blues of the 1970′s, the pinstripes, the green trim of the late-1990′s. Basically, give me the road jersey of 1988-1993 and we’re good. 

Broadcasters: Fantastic. I’ve had the pleasure of hearing Bob Uecker call a game and it’s like hearing a more subtle version of the character he played in Major League which might actually be twice as cool. 

Intangibles: Slightly above average. Points awarded for a nickname with serious local flare and more points for that local flare being beer.  Points awarded for the sausage race. Points deducted for having Bernie Brewer fly down a slide that does not end with him in a huge mug of beer.  Points deducted for Bud Selig maneuvering the team from the AL to the NL. 

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#17 - Cincinnati Reds

City: Cincinnati. Growing up, I always thought of Cincinnati as this very southern place that happened to be in the north, but now I kind of think of Cincinnati as this very southern place that happened to be in the north, in somewhat of a positive way. 

Cool Historical Figures: Sparky Anderson, Chris Sabo & Billy Hamilton.

Lame Historical Figures: Pete Rose & Marge Schott.

Stadium: Solid. Any stadium that overlooks a river or body of water gets a nice boost in the rankings, and the Reds certainly get points for a big upper deck section of bleachers in left field. Sure the steamboats smokestacks are stupid, but it seems like a nice place to watch a ballpark

Uniform: Simple. If your team’s nickname is Reds, it’s got to be tempting to deck your team out in all red, but the team looks good in basic white & grey with red trim right now, and rarely break out a red alternate jersey. They also somehow pull off an oval logo, which seems wrong, but works. They are the modern pioneer of the sleeveless jerseys and are one of only two teams I think have pulled it off well, but only when it was white jersey & red sleeves. The white jersey & black sleeves as well as the pinstriped jersey & red sleeves combos were a mistake. 

Intangibles: Slightly above average. Points awarded for basically being the oldest team in baseball, points for awarded for the cool Mr. Redleg logo (both the running version from the 1970′s and the one with the handlebar mustache). Points deducted for being so chicken-shit during the era of McCarthyism that the team officially changed the name of the team from “Reds” to “Redlegs”. I don’t care how you feel about Sovietism, McCarthyism, Communism or Socialism, Baseball takes precedence.